In Love There's Suffering
by Criminal-Twilight-Minds
Summary: All was happy within the team until Emily started showing up to work with bruises, and JJ started experiencing martial problems. When Emily makes the wrong decision, can the team bring her back safely and still as herself? Problems arise, relationships form, people struggle. Involves the team from seasons 3-6, warnings inside, mostly Emily's POV.
1. Chapter 1

**I know, I know; it's been** _ **so**_ **long and I am extremely sorry, but I think you've waited long enough. I'm actually not finished this story yet (and as some of my regular readers would know, I normally finish them before publishing them because I like to be organised and have something for you every day), but I have five huge assessments to complete in the next two weeks and I have exams coming up so I'm not sure when I'll have time to update. I'm sorry!**

 **his story will have a few possible trigger topics. Please don't read this if abuse/domestic violence, self-harm, eating disorders, mentions of suicide, and depression are sensitive topics for you.**

 **I'm not sure on how long I'll make this or where it will end up, but we'll see where it goes.**

 **Reviews and PM's are always appreciated**

 **-A xx**

 **Prentiss**

I walked into the precinct like I did every Monday; with seven coffees and a grouchy mood that I always kept the team oblivious of. I had never been a fan of Mondays. I enjoyed Saturdays the most. Very rarely did we work on weekends, and I wasn't stuck with the knowledge of returning to work the next day. Ever since I came back from Doyle and turned down Clyde's offer to run the London Interpol office, I hadn't been able to grasp my old life. I was a different person, too different.  
I knew my team had been significantly affected by the change of person and personality. They all noticed, they all wanted to help me and offer support, but I ignored every word of concern. I continually assured that I was fine, that I would be fine, that I wasn't going to let something so small bring me down.

I was seeing a guy at the moment and for a while now, Chris, and he worked a few floors down; he spent his time at my place when neither of us had a case, so we didn't actually see each other as often as people normally did. The team thought he was great; great for me and just a great person in general, but he wasn't what he was cracked up to be. Morgan wasn't a huge fan of him but it wasn't his place to judge.

"Hey princess." Morgan greeted me when I reached our desks.

"Hey." I smiled at him, Reid, and JJ. I handed them their coffees and Garcia walked out from her lair and to our desks. I gave hers to her and took Rossi and Hotch's. I knocked on Hotch's door and walked in when he allowed. "Coffee."

"Thanks." He smiled and took it.

I walked back out and down to Rossi's office. I knocked and walked in without waiting for permission. I only waited when I saw someone in there with him through the window; otherwise I just walked in. Sometimes I didn't even knock, that's how close I had gotten to him since I had been back, "Coffee."

"Thank you," He took it. I sat down and he raised his eyebrows, "Something you want to talk about?"

"How much time away from someone is too much time for it to work?"

"Not seeing much of Chris lately?"

"He—I don't—" I sighed, "Never mind."

"No, what is it?"

"No, it's nothing." I stood up. I needed to leave before I said something. Rossi would tell the others and all four men our team would kill Chris if they knew what he did.

"Emily—"

"Please, don't worry about it. I'm just being childish. I've got paperwork to do." I walked out of his office and pulled the door closed behind me. I had hoped that none of them would notice the extra makeup today that I had to use to cover the still fading bruise of my cheek from Friday night.

Garcia told JJ, Reid, Morgan, and I all about the date she had gone on Saturday night. JJ didn't seem too interested, she almost looked irritated, and I tried my hardest to listen to her. Eventually, they ran out of things to talk about and we had to move onto our paperwork. I could work in silence and I wouldn't have to worry about keeping my hair in front of my cheek until lunch.

I got home early tonight and I was surprised to see Chris's car out the front. I smiled to myself and walked up to my apartment quickly. My phone rang when I reached the door and I answered JJ's call, "Hey Jayje."

"Hey, what's up tonight?" Her voice was quieter than usual.

"That depends on why you're asking."

"Just curious."

"Well Chris is home, but you can come over or we can go out if you want." I opened the door and closed it behind me. I locked it and walked down the entry hall slowly.

"No, no it's okay. I was just wondering. I'll call Garcia. Have fun tonight."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Emily." I knew she was rolling her eyes.

"Okay, well call me if you change your mind."

"Bye."

I hung up and put my phone and bag down on the table at the end of the entry hall. I couldn't see Chris on the bottom floor of my apartment so I made my way upstairs. I went into my empty bedroom and locked my gun up in the safe.

"…Chris?" I called out. I didn't get a reply; maybe he wasn't here right now.

I looked in the mirror and checked the makeup on my cheek; it held well. I walked back downstairs and refilled Sergio's food and water dishes. I sat down on the couch and looked at my phone. I was about to ring him before I heard the locks turn on the door. I put my phone back down and waited until he reached the main room.

"Hey." I smiled over my shoulder at him.

He smiled and dropped his things on the table where mine were. He walked over and rolled over the back of the couch, his head landing in my lap, "Hey."

"You don't have a case?" I ran my hand through his hair softly.

"And neither do you," He sat up and kept his lips inches from mine, "Whatever will we do with all this spare time we rarely have together?" He asked before kissing me. I returned the first few, but I wasn't really in the mood tonight.

"Chris…" I said between kisses. I tried to push him away but he was determined. "Chris, stop." I pushed him harder.

He pulled back and stared at me, "What?"

"I just don't feel like it tonight."

He sighed and rolled to the side, clearly irritated with me. He shook his head and stood up, pushing his hair back. He walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Fortunately for me, he was in a good mood tonight. I sighed to myself and sat back. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

* * *

I woke late this morning; Chris wasn't beside me and I was going to be late for work. I had the fastest shower I ever had and got changed. I made a coffee in a travel mug and called Hotch on my way downstairs as I held my coffee in one hand, holstered my gun with the other and kept the phone in between my ear and shoulder.

"Prentiss?"

"Hey, I'm so sorry; I'm running really late."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah; yeah I'm fine. Do we have a case?"

"Not that I know of. My office when you get here please?"

"Yes, sure, I'll be there as soon as traffic will allow. I am really sorry, Hotch."

"It's okay; see you soon."

"Bye." I hung up as I reached my car. Chris's wasn't here when I glanced around. I drove to the precinct as fast as I could.

I walked through the security checks and made my way to the sixth floor. I glanced at my reflection in the glass doors when I walked towards them and I saw the black eye and the fresh bruise replacing the old on my cheek. I had forgotten about it in my rush this morning. As it turned out, he wasn't in that good of a mood last night.

I walked through the door and dropped my bag at my desk as I walked past quickly. "Hey." I greeted Garcia, Morgan, JJ, and Reid. I kept my hair in front of my face. I walked up to Hotch's office and knocked.

"Yes."

I walked in and closed the door behind me, "I'm sorry, I was up late and then I slept in and then—"

"Prentiss stop," He cut me off, "What happened?"

"…I just told you I was up late and then I slept in."

"No, I understand why you were late. What happened to your cheek and your eye?"

"Oh…uh…I…" I forced a small laugh to myself, "Embarrassing story. I…uh…ran into the door last night." I looked down and shook my head, forcing another laugh.

"Are you sure?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Hotch, look at me. Do I look upset or pissed? No, because I ran into a door. Nothing happened."

He nodded, although I'm not sure he completely believed me, "Okay." I heard a knock on the door and Garcia opened it. She informed us of a case and I walked to the round table room behind Garcia and in front of Hotch. The others were already there.

"Hey—whoa. What happened to you?" JJ asked as she moved my head to the side slightly to see the bruising."

"Not important." I brushed it off. I glanced around the table and all but Hotch were looking at me suspiciously, curiously and with concern. I sighed and rolled my eyes, "The step at the top of my staircase has popped out of place and I fell down them last night." I spoke quickly to get it over with. Shit. Hotch looked up and stared at me. I hated lying to them and I wished I didn't have to, but I couldn't tell them what really happened. Now I had two different lies and Hotch would call me out on it eventually.

"Do you want me to come fix it?" Morgan asked.

"No, no, it's okay. I've got Chris on it, but thanks for the offer," I nodded with a smile, "Garcia." I encouraged her to present the case to us before Hotch could say or do anything.

After a while, she finished speaking and we briefly discussed it around the table, looking at the photos and rereading parts of the information. JJ's phone had rung twice during the briefing and it rang a third time now.

She cursed under her breath, "Sorry." She said to us as she picked it up, "Will, I'm at—what?" A few seconds of silence past where I assumed he was talking, "Today? You didn't even let me talk." She took an unsteady breath to try and calm the tears that were in her eyes. "Will, please don't do this." She lowered her voice and closed her eyes. After another two seconds, she bit her lip as tears fell and she dropped her phone onto the table as she stood and walked out quickly.

"JJ…" I stood up and ran after her, "Hey, Jayje stop." I caught up to her and she tried to wipe her tears away but I saw them first. "Talk to me; what's going on?"

She sniffed as she tried to keep it together but a few more tears fell. I put my arms around her and held her tightly. She gave into the emotion and sobbed into my shoulder for a short while before she pulled away, "I hate myself for doing this," She shook her head, "Sorry." She motioned to my shoulder.

"No, it's fine. Please tell me what's going on?"

"Will and I are…we're…" She sobbed again, "We're splitting up and he's moving his stuff out today."

"Oh, JJ, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I just…I thought we would work it out." She shook her head as more tears fell. Her mascara ran down her cheeks.

"JJ." I shook my head.

"It was this damn job!" She paced past me and further towards the open door to the conference room. I don't think she realised it was open of how close she was, "It is all because of this stupid fucking job. I'm trying to save others and I'm destroying myself and my husband and my son and my life."

"Stop hun, come on. I get it; sometimes this jobs seems like it ruins more than it saves, trust me, I know, but you're going to get through this. Take this case off, go to Will and talk to him. If he doesn't want to talk, then make him listen. JJ, the only thing that's going to fix your relationship is you and the effort required from both sides."

"How do you and Chris do it?"

I looked down briefly and my eyes shifted involuntarily but I forced them back to hers, "It's hard, but we make it work because we love each other. There is almost nothing I wouldn't do to make us last."

She nodded and wiped her tears away, taking a few breaths to calm herself down. I walked back towards the round table room and pulled her with me gently. "Wait, stop." She pulled back before we were through the door. I was at the door in the sight of the team but she was behind it, "I can't go in there like this." She whispered it, but they still would have heard it.

"Why not? They've seen you cry before."

"Because if I go in looking like this, Garcia and Spence will want to know everything and I just can't bring myself to tell anyone else but you right now. Morgan will go into that over-protective mode and won't let me out of his sight, Rossi will go into father "I'll kill whoever did this to you" mode and Hotch will take me off the case. I can't be off the case; this is my distraction."

"They can you hear you, honey." I said, smiling sympathetically.

"Today has been so shit." Was all she could say to that, shaking her head.

"Tell me about it." I nodded in agreement. She took a deep breath and we walked back into the room where the team sat in silence.

"But at least I didn't fall down a staircase last night." JJ said quietly, fighting a smirk on her lips. The team laughed, all but Hotch.

I snickered and rolled my eyes, "Yeah, laugh it up now, but don't expect any sympathy when something similar happens to one of you." I glanced at Hotch and dropped my eyes as soon as they met his, staring back to me. At least it was only him to convince. I'd make an excuse up on the way to the plane.

"Wheels up in twenty." Hotch said as he stood up. The others stood and we walked out, leaving Hotch, Rossi, and JJ in the round table room. It was inevitable for them to talk to her about what just happened as soon as it did. Fortunately for me, she was higher on the priority list for Hotch than I was. It gave me more time to think.

* * *

" _If you get that gut feeling that something isn't right about a person or situation, trust it." – Unknown._


	2. Chapter 2

**Prentiss**

"I hadn't had a chance to bring up the…issue…during the case." Hotch said. I was sitting in front of his desk and he was leaning on it with his arms crossed over his chest, looking at me. I felt like I was about to be interrogated.

"I really don't think it's important."

"Prentiss, why did you lie and who did you lie to?"

I sighed and prepared myself for more lies, "I lied to you because the truth didn't sound so convincing and I didn't think you'd believe it. I was going to tell the others the same thing but I felt guilty enough lying to you, let alone the whole team. I'm sorry."

"There's something else." He was profiling me.

"No, there isn't." I shook my head.

"I think there is."

"Hotch, please." My eyes were begging him not to keep at this.

"Why can't you tell me?"

"Because it has nothing to do with you or the team and it will never affect you or the team. Please, just leave it alone."

"…Are you in danger?"

"No." I shook my head. We stared at each other for a few seconds. I think he had realised that I wasn't going to give in. He sighed and nodded, motioning for me to leave his office. I stood up and walked out, closing the door back over behind me. I walked to my desk and gathered my things before leaving the empty bullpen.

I made my way to the ground floor slowly and walked through the heavy rain to my car. I stepped in and drove out of the lot. I glanced up towards the window that was Hotch's as I drove away and I saw his figure standing there, presumably watching my car leave. I pulled the top mirror down and looking at myself for a few seconds and the bruises that were fading again. I sighed and pushed it back up quickly; I hated seeing myself like that and not knowing why Chris did it or what he wanted in order to not do it.

Once I got home and ran into the apartment building, it was late, around 10:30, and I made my way up towards my door. I unlocked it and walked into the dark apartment. I locked the door behind me and walked down the entry hall; I assumed Chris wasn't home then. I put my bag down where I always did and I switched the light on. I turned around and jumped, a small yelp leaving me. "Holy shit Chris; what the hell are you doing sitting in the dark? You scared me half to death."

"Where were you tonight?"

"I only got back to Virginia not long ago and then I had to talk to Hotch."

"What'd they think of the bruises?" He stood up and approached me.

I looked down to the ground and took a step back, "I just told them that I fell down the staircase." My voice was lower now.

"And they believed you?"

"They didn't have a reason not to. I'm not going to tell them, Chris."

He looked into my eyes for a few seconds before walking away and upstairs. I let the breath out that I had been holding in and I looked towards the staircase. He terrified me, but he loved me. My phone rang and I looked at the caller ID. JJ's name and picture flashed.

"Don't answer it." Chris called downstairs.

I bit my lip before accepting the call and holding it to my ear. "Hey." I whispered.

"Why are you whispering?"

"I'm not supposed to be on the phone."

"Says who?"

"…JJ." I encouraged her to say what she called for.

"Will you come out with me tonight?"

I looked back towards the staircase as I grabbed my coat again quietly, "When and where?"

"Now, the usual bar?"

"Be there soon."

"Thank you."

I hung up and took my boots off so they wouldn't click on the floorboards. I grabbed my bag again and walked towards the door. I unlocked and opened it as quietly as I could. Once I got it closed, I put my boots on quickly and locked it behind me. I moved quickly, almost at a run towards the stairs and down to the ground floor of the building. Chris was going to hate me for this.

My phone rang after a few minutes of driving and I answered through the Bluetooth on my car, "Chris."

"Where are you?"

"I'm going to see JJ."

"…Where?"

"I'm driving, I've got to go." I hung up before he could speak again and I knew that I'd pay for that later.

* * *

JJ and I had been talking for about an hour now over drinks. It was about Will mostly, but sometimes she would try and ask about me and Chris. I always changed the subject swiftly. After a while, I noticed how tired she was. Today was Friday, so we had tomorrow off, but she still really needed to get some sleep; none of us really got much this week on the case.

"Maybe you should go home and get some sleep." I said as she yawned again.

She looked at me, "You can go home if you want."

"I'm not leaving until you leave too."

"I can't go home. It's empty and quiet and it's a reminder of my miserable, lonely life."

"Did you try talking to him about it again?"

"No." She admitted quietly, sipping her drink.

"JJ, nothing is going to happen if you don't make it happen."

"I know, but what if he doesn't love me? What if he really doesn't want to be with me anymore? He probably already has another girl, a much prettier and open one with more time on her hands."

"He doesn't have someone else," I rolled my eyes, "JJ, he loves you. He wouldn't have asked you to marry him if he didn't love you and wasn't sure if he would for the rest of his life. You know that the only way that this is going to get better is for you to step up, swallow your fear or your pride or whatever it is that's stopping you, and talk to him."

She nodded, "Maybe I'll go see him tomorrow."

"No, you _will_ go see him tomorrow. No maybe. Do you want me to take Henry?"

She smiled at me and I knew that was a yes. I nodded and drank back my drink, "Home, bed, come on."

We both slid our coats on as we walked out of the bar. It was raining again and it was perfect; I loved the rain. It would, however, make it harder to drive home. I would invite JJ to my house tonight, but I didn't want her to see what Chris would do to me when I got home. I knew it was coming, and I somehow felt like I deserved it.

We said bye and I hugged her before we both went home. I pulled into the space I always parked in and ran inside the building. I went up to my apartment and walked in. I locked the door behind me once again and it was dark again. I remembered what happened when I got back from work; I walked down and turned the light on, looking at the dining table. He wasn't there. I put my bag down and took my phone upstairs with me. I plugged it into the charger beside the bed and I heard the shower stop running. It was around one in the morning and he was showering? I put my gun into the safe and locked it up.

I got changed out of the wet clothes from the rain and into a short red silk nightgown. I brushed my hair out and kept my back to the ensuite door as I heard it open. I felt his arms wrap around my waist firmly, "You shouldn't have left."

I closed my eyes to take a breath and calm myself down. He pushed my head down to the side roughly and placed hard kisses over my neck. He licked and bit down on my skin. It was never gentle with him; it was always rough. He turned me and threw me onto the bed. I didn't feel like it tonight and I wanted to push him off but he was angry enough with me already. I didn't need to fuel the fire; he was my boyfriend anyway, this was what I was supposed to do when he wanted it.

* * *

I went into work on Monday morning and JJ approached me with a smile from her desk when I walked through the glass doors, "Hey."

"Thank you."

"What?"

"If you hadn't pushed me on Friday night, I wouldn't have talked to him, but I did and he said that he's willing to see what we can do about it. He isn't moving back in yet, but he wants to one day."

I smiled, "That's great, Jayje. I'm so happy for you."

She nodded as a thank you and then her smiled fell as she looked at my neck, "…Is that another bruise?" I thought I had covered it up.

"That step still hasn't been fixed." I lied.

"You fell down _again_ and bruised your _neck_?"

I nodded, "Don't ask me how that happened, I have no idea, it just did. I guess this just isn't my month. It's happened a few times." I figured I could cover for the previous bruises that no one ever mentioned to me but I knew they had noticed them. They were smaller, lighter, and less frequent in the past.

We walked to our desks and Garcia called us to the round table room. I took their coffees in with me and put them on the table for them to grab. "Wow, hey, what happened this time?" Rossi asked as he moved my hair away from my neck. It looked like a handprint underneath the makeup but I looked in the reflection of the window on our way in here and it just looked like any other bruise. I had covered the majority of it.

"Same thing again," I shook my head, "Chris hasn't fixed the step yet and apparently I'm never going to get used to it."

"How did it get your neck?" Reid asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I have no idea."

"I'm coming over after this case to fix it." Morgan said.

"No, it's okay. Chris is on it this week; he just had a case the last time I asked. He's home for now."

Hotch gave me questioning and unsure eyes, but he motioned for Garcia to start presenting the case to us. Every so often, I'd feel eyes on me and it was always either Hotch or Rossi. They seemed to be scanning the rest of my visible skin too, checking for any other discoloured spots. I tried to ignore them for the most part; I was sure I have covered the one on my wrist well and the more faint one on my cheek. I hoped they wouldn't take into account the extra makeup I had been wearing for a few months now while they tried to find out what was really going on. I don't think they suspected violence from Chris, though. They all loved him, well…except Morgan. He didn't like him much.

I acted as normal as I could, but nothing would completely distract me from the feelings I had been experiencing for a while now. I was self-conscious, I was always feeling nauseous and down, and I didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted to leave Virginia before the team found out about anything and before Chris could do any more damage.

Thankfully, Hotch didn't ask me to stay here before our flight; he didn't want to dig into something that would affect my work and he didn't want me to think that he didn't trust me. He was concerned and I knew it, but if I was confident in my lies, he would stop suspecting more.

* * *

" _Just because I'm strong enough to handle the pain doesn't mean I deserve it." – Unknown._


	3. Chapter 3

**I'll give you another update today because it's a bit slow starting and I'm feeling bored :)**

 **P** **rentiss**

It was the next Monday after the last now and I had more bruises that, once again, I had forgotten to cover up before work. Morgan came over tonight unexpectedly. "Hey." I was shocked to see him there. I glanced behind me to make sure Chris wasn't paying attention. I was kind of hoping he'd have a case this week; I needed a break.

"I came to fix the step." He walked inside past me and I closed the door.

"Uh…Chris fixed it this morning." I followed him up the staircase.

Chris walked out from the bedroom and looked between Morgan and I for a few seconds, "What?"

"You fixed the step this morning; the one I kept tripping on." My eyes told him to play along.

He nodded, "Yeah, easy." His eyes were questioning me on why Morgan was here.

"Well Morgan didn't know so he came to fix it," I looked at Morgan, "Did you want to stay for dinner? We're having pasta so there's enough for like twelve more people."

"A common mistake," He laughed, "Thanks, but I'm going to have to pass. I've got Savannah cooking for me at home."

"How unfortunate." Chris mumbled as he walked past us and down the staircase.

I ignored Chris and smirked at Morgan, "Things getting more serious with Savannah?"

He pointed downstairs, "He doesn't like me, does he?"

"He's just cautious." I shrugged my shoulders.

"He doesn't like me," Morgan shook his head, "Well if this is fixed, I should go." He seemed suspicious.

I smiled, "Thank you for coming." I walked him out and locked the door behind him. Now I would need to find a new excuse for the future bruises. But what if I told them? No, that would make them too angry; they didn't need that kind of worry or stress to deal with. What if I left Chris? No, he would kill me.

I walked back to the living room and he glared at me, "You see a lot of him."

"He's my work partner and one of my best friends and that is all." I assured him. I could hear the water boiling in the kitchen behind where I was standing. I walked in and put the pasta in. I hoped I wouldn't ruin it; Chris was angry enough as it was. When I turned around, I saw the empty glass on the bench, still containing the remnants of the scotch that was drank from it. I looked up at Chris; he's a whole lot worse when he's been drinking. How much has he had?

I took the glass and cleaned it. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and I startled slightly; I hadn't heard him approach. "Don't invite him to dinner again."

I nodded and his arms left me. He went back to the living area of the open room and I got my phone. I opened JJ's contact and decided to text her, _"How are you doing?"_

After a few minutes, she replied with _"I've been better. We talked for a little while tonight but he needed to go after dropping Henry off. Don't know where he was going."_

" _I'm confident that the two of you will work it out."_ I put my phone down and concentrated on cooking.

* * *

We were called to a case this morning and I texted Chris to let him know. He never replied to me, he rarely did, and I walked into the round table room where my team already was with three visible bruises and a black eye that I didn't have time to cover up this morning. I had my hair out and covering as much of my neck and face as it could. I tried to keep my head down to cover up more but I doubt it worked. When I sat down and looked up, they were all staring at me.

"I thought the step was fixed." Morgan said.

"It is," I said quietly, "Garcia."

"Okay," She started talking but after a few minutes, she changed what she was saying mid-sentence, "—okay, I'm sorry honey but I can't do this without knowing why you keep coming in with so many bruises."

I hesitated in the silent room as the whole team looked at me, "I'm really clumsy at home?" They didn't look like they even considered that to be true. I sighed, "Can we just get on with the case, please?"

"Did Chris do it?" Reid asked me quietly.

I looked at him with my mouth open in false shock, "No," I shook my head, "Reid, he hasn't touched me." I had three tells: avoiding eye contact, picking at my nails, and that deep sigh I did when I was called out of the lie, I felt too guilty, or it wasn't believable. I forced my eyes to stay on his; I clenched my hands together and held my breath as I stared back at him for a few seconds before he looked away first. He glanced at my hands to see if I was picking my nails before looking back to Garcia. "Garcia, please continue." I said.

She sighed to herself and kept explaining.

After a while, she ran out of things to say and Hotch ordered us to be on the plane in twenty minutes. I walked out of the conference room quickly before anyone else and before Hotch could tell me to stay. I went to my desk and grabbed my go bag. I walked out with it and made my way to the ground floor of the precinct. Outside, there were benches around under different trees. I went and sat on one that was hidden behind a tree from the door and the windows of Hotch and Rossi's offices. I checked my bag and made sure I had earphones; I'd need them for the flight in order to avoid the questions. I opened my go bag and got the makeup bag from it. I opened the small flip mirror and I put a base of concealer on the bruises first before spreading the foundation over my face and neck. Maybe if they couldn't see them they'd focus on the case, at least until we solved it. That would give me some time to find a new excuse.

"Hey." I heard Morgan's voice behind me. I snapped the mirror shut and dropped it and the makeup back into my bag.

"Hi."

He sat down beside me, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I forced a smile to him.

"You covered them up."

"I figured that if you can't see them, you won't be distracted from the case."

"They were all talking about it, trying to figure out what was happening to you that was so bad that you couldn't tell us. I don't believe anything they've brought up, so tell me?"

I zipped the makeup bag and then the go bag, shaking my head, "Don't worry about it."

He sighed, "Okay, well come to me when you're ready to open up about it." His voice sounded defeated. He stood up with his go bag and walked away from me. I hated that I had to keep trying to lie to them; that I had to keep the truth from them, and I hated that I was making them feel like I didn't trust them. After Doyle, I didn't expect to actually trust them as much as I did now; they hadn't expected it either, but I think it was reducing since this issue arose.

I bit my lip and contemplated what would happen if I did tell them. Nothing good could come of it, I'm sure. I stood up with a sigh and walked to my car to go to the airstrip.

* * *

I had listened to my music as loud as it would go without bursting my eardrums on the flight after we discussed the case again like we always did. They would have been able to hear the music so I doubted they would have tried to talk to me. We spent all day working in freezing Seattle; I wore two coats and a pair of leggings underneath my slacks. Tonight, Rossi had called me to his hotel room. I knocked and waited at the door. "Hey." I said when he opened it. He stepped to the side and motioned for me to come in.

I walked in and saw two bottles of beer on the small dining table, "Ah, you don't drink beer." I looked at him questioningly.

"They're for you." He said as he held a bottle of scotch up to show me what he'd be drinking.

I nodded as I sat down, "And we're drinking while working on a case because?"

"Because you need to talk."

I shook my head and stared at him for a few seconds as he poured his scotch. He opened one bottle and placed the beer in front of me again. "Rossi, I am warning you; do not go down this path."

He sat forwards and his eyes challenged me, "What is going on, Emily?"

I heard the door to the room open behind me and I looked over my shoulder as JJ, Reid and Hotch walked in. "Oh, are you serious?" I looked back at Rossi with accusing eyes.

"You're in danger."

"I'm not!" I stood up and picked my phone up, "I'm tired, I'm going to bed." I went to walk out but Hotch put his arm out and stopped me.

"Prentiss, you have to tell us something. How worried should we be?"

"Right now? You shouldn't be. But if you keep trying to dig into this, then you'll need to be extremely worried."

"Why?"

"I can't tell you." I looked at him.

"Is it Chris?" JJ suggested again.

I turned and looked at her, "No! I told Reid yesterday and this is the last time I'll say it; he hasn't laid a hand on me, he doesn't know anything, and he won't know anything so leave him out of this." I pushed past Hotch and left the room quickly. We all had our own room this time around, thankfully. I walked the next door down and Hotch tried to stop me again but I ignored him and unlocked the door. I closed it behind me and it locked automatically. Tears filled my eyes and I stood against the door as I gave in and let them fall. My legs felt weak and I slid down the door, sitting with my back to it and trying to stop the tears. I hated letting myself fall apart, even by myself.

I sobbed and stood up. I paced back and forth for a while before I saw myself in the mirror. My face looked shallower than usual. I walked into the bathroom quickly and threw the door closed behind me. I stared at myself in the mirror as I wet a cloth and I wiped the makeup from my face. "He's destroying you," I whispered to myself quietly, "But you love him; you have to love him. He loves me; he has to love me. My god, please just love me." I sobbed harder to myself.

A thought crossed my mind then that I hadn't had in years; since I was in my late teens to early twenties. I didn't want to do it, but it was like an irresistible urge. I opened the makeup bag that sat on the basin beside the sink and I got the razor out. I struggled for a while before I got the blade out and I pulled the side of my slacks, leggings, and underwear from my hip. I took a breath and closed my eyes as I pressed it to my skin. I took another, deeper breath and put pressure on as I slid it quickly. I repeated it three times before I threw the blade to the sink and turned the shower water on.

"Why would you do that?" I asked myself quietly as I stared back at myself through the mirror. I shook my head, "You are such a disappointment to everyone who could possibly know you." I had been told that plenty of times by Chris, among other, much worse things. He said them so often that I believed them now; I told them to myself when he wasn't around to do it for me. I stepped into the shower water and turned the cold off gradually until it was hot enough to satisfy. I was in there for a long time before I finally got out. I wrapped a towel around my body and walked out of the bathroom. I checked the time on my phone and saw how late it was; I should probably get some sleep.

* * *

I worked the case with my team the best I could, trying to put all my concentration on it instead of my hip as it stung every time I accidently leant on it or put my hand on it. Every night, I added three more cuts.

Eventually, the case was over and I sat on the plane with the team. My earphones were in so no one talked to me but my music wasn't playing. They all thought it was, obviously, as they talked about me right in front of me.

"She didn't cover them up for the flight." JJ said quietly.

"If she can't tell us what's going on, I at least want to know _why_ we can't know." Reid said. I stared out the window and pretended to be oblivious.

"She gets defensive if you ask if it was Chris…" Hotch said quietly, "Maybe he's more involved than she's letting on."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, he is _always_ angry with her and it's over nothing the majority of the time. She refuses to talk about him and when I ask if they're fighting, she just continually tells me that he loves her." JJ said.

"Maybe she's trying to convince herself." Rossi said.

"Guys, leave her alone. If she wants to tell us, she will." Morgan spoke for the first time.

"Since when are you on the "don't worry about it" side?" JJ asked him. She was right; Morgan usually pried until he got what he wanted.

"I'm not saying don't worry about it; I'm worried too, but I'm telling you that the more you ask and talk about it, the more reluctant she will be to tell you. She'll open up when she's ready."

"I still think it's Chris," Reid said, "I think we should do something to find out."

"Like what? A camera? No thank you. They're extremely...active..." JJ said.

"Or just ignore me, no problem." Morgan sighed.

They were getting too close for this to be easy for me to keep from them much longer. I was struggling already; I wouldn't be able to deny it once they knew. If they found out, they'd confront Chris about it. Hurt would happen, and it wouldn't just be me; it would be him too, because I was sure that he loved me. He had to. If I wanted to stay with him, the one who had to love me, then I would need to get better at keeping this from my team. I needed to hide everything and stay strictly professional...or leave.

I felt a tap on my leg and I looked at JJ at my side. I pulled my earphone and waited for her to speak. "Coffee? Food?"

I shook my head, "No thanks." I put the earphone back in and looked back to the window.

"…First time she's ever _not_ wanted coffee," Reid said quietly, "Something is definitely wrong. She hasn't been eating much, either. She even _looks_ thinner."

"I'll sort it out." Hotch said in a reassuring voice. He was going to do what he had to for me to talk. It would be a long, bumpy, argumentative journey and I knew it before it had even begun; before I was even supposed to know about it. I wouldn't stick around for that.

* * *

" _Nothing is weaker or smaller than the man who hurts women or children whether by his actions or his words." – Unknown._


	4. Chapter 4

**Prentiss**

We got back to Virginia pretty late. I waited and did paperwork until the team had left; I even outstayed Hotch. He wasn't happy about leaving me here or that I was still here this late, but I convinced him to go. I lied and told him that Chris wasn't home and I didn't want to back to an empty place yet. I promised him that I wouldn't stay much longer; just to finish this page of paperwork. Once I was sure he was gone, I stood up from my desk and opened the top drawer. I had seven handwritten letters to put on each desk of the team. They were full of lies and a false reason for my departure. I found the one marked with JJ's name and placed it in the centre of her desk.

"I'm so sorry, Jayje." I said quietly.

I took a breath and walked to Reid's desk. I put his in the centre and the same on Morgan's desk. I walked to Garcia's office and looked around. I had a picture of us that I had printed and I stuck it above her main screen before putting the envelope containing the letter in front of her main keyboard. I walked back out and to Rossi's office. His letter was a bit longer, but not by much. I put it on his desk and a cigar that I had bought him. I closed his door again behind me and went to Hotch's. I closed my eyes and took a breath to keep the tears in. This was it.

I put his letter down and put my gun and badge beside it. A tear dripped from my cheek and onto the envelope. I wiped the others from my face and I walked out of his office. I picked my bag up on my way past my desk and put as much of the things on my desk in it as I could. I took a small cardboard box from the break room and cleared the rest of my things into it and all of the contents of my drawers.

I took it out with me and made my way down to the ground floor. I drove home and sat in my car for a few minutes, stopping the tears, before I got out and took the box inside with me. Chris was home again; apparently he didn't work cases as often as me anymore. I walked inside and put the box down. He was in the living room. I didn't want to do this but I had to. Leaving would protect not only Chris and I, but the team too. If they accused him of anything, not matter how little, they'd be in serious danger. Not that they wouldn't be able to handle it; five on one, obviously leaving Garcia out of it, they'd win easily. They wouldn't, however, win as easily if I was on the opposing side. I wouldn't let them destroy each other; I couldn't.

"You're late." He said quietly.

"We have to leave."

"What?"

"Virginia, we have to leave Virginia."

"Why?"

"Because they know."

He turned on the couch and looked at me, "You didn't cover them again?"

"I forgot and then I didn't have time. I heard them talking and they know, Chris. I don't want them to know and you certainly don't, so we need to go."

He stood up with a sigh, "Alright, pack a bag."

I nodded and went upstairs. I took my desk contents out of my bag and dropped them onto the bed. I stuffed as many outfits into my bag as I could. I went to the bathroom and took all my toiletries and Chris came to the bedroom, packing his own bag.

"Leave your phone here; I'll get burner ones."

"Why?" I walked back to the bedroom with my packed bag and looked at him.

"Because Garcia will track it."

"…Should I leave or note or something for them to find here when they come looking? I'll just say that I'm okay but I won't be back." I had said that in their individual letters but another one couldn't hurt.

"No," He shook his head, "It's their fault we have to leave anyway."

I shook my head, "No it's not."

He stood and stared at me, "Then who do you want to blame it on?"

I hesitated and he knew it was because I was thinking it was his fault. He stepped forwards and slapped me across the face. He looked at me for a few more seconds before grabbing my chin roughly and making me look at him, "Do not blame this shit on me again. You could have lied better."

"I'm sorry." I said quietly. He pressed a rough kiss to my lips before he let go of my chin and picked his bag up. He walked out and I followed him downstairs. I put my phone on the kitchen counter and he threw his onto the table. We walked out of my apartment and down to his car. I hated to leave Sergio behind, but I had asked Garcia to pick him up for me and take care of him in the letter.

"Wait, we shouldn't take one of ours." Chris said, looking at our cars.

"I don't think they'll put an APB out."

"Do you want them to find us or not?" He raised his eyebrows at me.

I shook my head with a small sigh, "Well what are we going to do? Hire one?" He opened the trunk of his car and showed me a crowbar. "Oh no, Chris. We're not stealing someone's car."

"Yes we are." He threw his bag over his shoulder and closed the trunk. He motioned for me to follow him and I looked around to make sure no one was seeing us before I followed after him quickly.

He found a car a few blocks away in a very vacant spot. There weren't many other cars around and all the houses had their lights out. I watched silently as he broke into it and hotwired it. I had never hotwired a car before but he looked like he knew exactly what he was doing.

We drove out of DC and continued for a while before he stopped outside of a house that was surrounded by others that all looked similar.

"…We're stopping?"

"We're here."

"I thought we were leaving Virginia."

He shook his head, "That's where they'd look. This is a low-profile area; it'll be harder to find us here." He was definitely not aware of even the most basic things that Garcia was capable of but I wouldn't mention it; I still wanted to see my team sometimes, I was just in a tough situation at the moment. Maybe we could go back to my apartment and our jobs once things got better; they had to get better. I nodded and he stepped out of the car. I did too and closed the car door quietly behind me. I took my bag and followed him inside. The place was small but it was nice. It looked like someone had lived or was living here recently. Was this someone else's place? Did they know were here?

"Whose place is this?" I asked him quietly, closing the front door behind me.

"Mine. Well, my parents had it, but they left it to me when they died." He explained. I nodded and looked around. "Bedroom is up the hall, second right." I took that as him telling me to go there so I made my way up the hall. I passed the bathroom as the first right and the laundry on the left. I went into the bedroom and turned the light on. I put my bag down on a chair in the corner and sat on the bed, looking at myself in the mirror. I looked terrible today; I now understood where the additional concern from the team came from throughout the day.

I sighed to myself and shook my head. I should have just told the team; I should have left Chris and I should have stayed with my team. I was making mistake after mistake, but they all seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I tied my hair back and walked back to my bag. I got changed into a loose shirt and a pair of sweats. Chris came in and got changed too. I hoped he'd just let me go to sleep tonight. Thankfully, he wasn't in the mood, so he fell asleep quickly and I stared at the roof above me for a while. I turned over and my back was now to him. Once I was sure he was well and truly asleep, I let the tears finally leave my eyes where they had been aching to escape from.

What would the team think of me? Would they look for me and would they try hard enough that they'd actually find me? I wasn't sure whether that was what I wanted or Chris was. If the team found me or saw me ever again, I wouldn't be able to see Chris again. If I stayed with Chris, I would never be able to see my closest friends, my family, again.  
Chris loved me, right? Or did I _want_ Chris to love me? Rossi had posed a good question; was I just trying to convince myself that he did? I had spent so long alone that I was finally over the isolation I was constantly in. I wanted someone with me, and I wasn't worth more than Chris; he showed me that. Sometimes I even wondered if I was even worth him. Did I reach his standards? No, I didn't, and I needed to change a lot about myself to be what he wanted. I needed to lose weight, I needed to cover the bruises better, I needed to stop being so opinionated, I needed to be quiet and submissive. I needed to give all the power to him. Then maybe, just maybe, I would be worth it.

* * *

I woke up around seven in the morning. Chris was already up. I lay in the bed for a few minutes before I rolled over and looked for my phone. I forgot that I had left it behind. I sat up and slid out from underneath the blankets. I walked down the hall to the previous room and closed the door behind me. I turned the shower water on and looked at myself in the mirror again. There was something else I saw there this morning. Hatred. I hated myself this morning, I was disgusted with myself. I shook my head and went back to the bedroom quickly, taking my toiletries bag and going back to the bathroom. I found the razor blade I had been using and stepped into the shower.

Once I got out of the shower, I brushed my hair out and blow dried it. I walked back to the bedroom with my towel wrapped around me and got dressed. Then I got to the makeup. I covered the bruises that I could and smiled at myself in the mirror to see how convincing it would look today. I thought it was good enough, so I packed the makeup back into its bag and left it on the dressing table. I walked down to the hall towards where I heard the TV on and I saw Chris on the couch. I approached him from behind and slid my arms loosely around his neck and my hands rested on his chest. I kissed his cheek and looked at the table; I didn't see a coffee mug.

"Coffee?" I offered as I stood up straight again and my hands left him. He looked over his shoulder and nodded. I smiled and walked into where the kitchen was. I put coffee on and saw a phone on the bench. "Hey, whose phone is this?" I called into the other room.

"Yours. It's your burner phone. When you think someone's onto you, toss it. Don't call family or your old team." He replied. I closed my eyes when he said "old" team. I hated that I left them; it hadn't even been 24 hours and the guilt was overwhelming. I think I missed them already. They'd find another agent soon enough, right? They'd have seven members in their team again, Morgan would have a partner within that team again, hopefully one he actually likes this time, and they'll forgot soon enough. I hoped I would too, but it was doubtful. They were all I had, apart from Chris, obviously. I took a risk in choosing one over six; I was praying that I had made the right decision.

I poured two cups of coffee and walked back to the living room. I put both mugs onto the table in between the couch and the TV unit, and I sat down beside him on the couch. He lifted his arm up and over to rest behind me, his hand rubbing softly up and down my arm. I bit my lip as I closed my eyes and pulled my legs up, resting my head on his shoulder as my arms slid around his waist. What he was doing was an action only performed by someone that loved you, right? It had to be.

* * *

" _She cared when nobody else cared, suffered when nobody knew she was suffering and still smiled so that others wouldn't suffer for her." – Mark Anthony_


	5. Chapter 5

**Prentiss**

Three weeks had past and I was still with Chris having no words and hearing no word from my team. My hips were covered in scars and wounds; my left wrist was starting to build up with them now too. I lost weight since I had stopped eating, I had fresh bruises almost every day. Occasionally he would go a day or two without hitting me and they were the best of the bad days. There was never a good day anymore.

He had told me that he wanted to show me something tonight; something to do with business and something he had been involved in since we left our teams. I went with him, obviously not wanting to upset him. Now I stood in the middle of a deserted concreted area outside of an old building. "You…you killed him." I said to Chris quietly. I stared at the lifeless body in front of us that had been stabbed moments ago.

"Come on." He pulled on my wrist and I hid the wince. I tried not to move.

"Chris, he didn't do anything to you. You killed an innocent man. That goes against everything we stand for."

"Everything _you_ stand for," He corrected, "I couldn't care less and I'm getting paid for this. Let's go." He pulled harder on my wrist and I walked away with him quickly, glancing around to make sure no one saw us.

We walked back to the parked car around the corner at a hurried pace. I got in the passenger seat and stared forwards, waiting for him to drive. I wouldn't look at him; I was angry, upset, shocked, and disgusted in him. I was all of that in myself as well, all because I didn't have the courage three weeks ago to speak up and now I was in this mess, being abused by a man who I was making myself believe loved me although I don't think he had ever said it with any sort of truth, and I was betraying my team, the FBI, and my country.

"Chris, who was that?" I asked quietly after a while.

He shrugged his shoulders.

"You don't know who you just killed?"

"Emily," He growled aggressively, "I don't give a fuck about who that was or what they did and didn't do; I was offered money in exchange for taking his life so that is what I did. I'm paying for your survival off of the money I get from this."

"I don't want to live off the money you get from taking other people lives. Chris, I can't do this." I shook my head.

"Too late, you're in it now. Try to leave and you won't ever see the light of day again," He threatened quietly, "Now shut up."

I looked forwards and took a few silent deep breaths to calm myself down. What has he gotten me into? What had I gotten myself into? This was a dangerous path I was reluctantly taking with him and I would either end up the murderer or the murdered. Did I want to take other lives just to keep my own or did I want to lose mine to save others? Of course I would rather the second option, but even if I did, they would still be killed by Chris or whoever else had become a "hit man" for the people paying him.

* * *

 **Garcia**

We had been assigned to an ongoing local case three weeks ago; starting just two days after Emily unexpectedly left us with nothing more than a brief, clearly fake, explanation. There was a series of stabbings across Virginia, six killed over the weeks, two per week. I had looked through the first five victims and dug everything out of their lives that I could before relaying the information to the now slightly smaller team. I hated talking in the conference room now, seeing the spare seat every day where Emily should have been sitting. I hated going into the bullpen and seeing the empty desk with nothing left on it but a computer, mouse, and keyboard. Nothing of Emily remained here except for the letters she left us, the five pictures I had in my office, one of which she had left me, and the one photo frame of the team on JJ's desk right beside the photo of Will and Henry.

"Garcia," Morgan walked into my office with JJ beside him, "Most recent victim found last night outside of an apartment building. Brian Forbes." He informed me.

"Stabbed again, this time only twice. We don't know if he lives in that apartment or why it was him. Can you please try looking into overlap of their lives again?"

"Jayje, I'll do it again but I'm telling you, I can't find anything that links them."

"I know, but we need something; anything. Did you find surveillance cameras around any of the crime scenes?"

"There are cameras at the first five," I nodded, "I haven't had a look at them yet. Do you want me to dig into Forbes or look at cameras first?"

JJ looked at Morgan. He shrugged his shoulders, "Forbes I guess."

I nodded, "Okay, I will holla if I find anything." I spun my chair around and met my keyboard. I paused momentarily when my eyes caught the photo of Emily and I stuck above my main screen.

"Baby girl…" Morgan brought my out of my thoughts. His voice was almost soft and apologetic. He knew how upset I was but he knew that there was nothing we could do about it; we didn't even know where she was. She left her apartment in a clear hurry.

"Right, okay, Forbes." I started typing quickly. The two of them walked out, quietly talking as they did.

I searched for a long while, trying to find even the slightest hint of a link anywhere. Eventually, I found one. I don't know how I didn't get it before but now that I looked into all six victims, they all had the same connection. All if their workplaces were different businesses but they were all owned by the same two brothers. One of the brothers looked scary; the other looked like a rich nerd. They looked completely different, only their eyes being the same colour.

I transferred everything I had to my laptop and picked that up. I walked out and saw JJ and Reid at their desks, Morgan in the round table room, Hotch in his office and Rossi getting coffee in the break room.

I walked up to Hotch's office first but JJ and Reid had seen me walking hurriedly with my computer so they knew something was up or found. I knocked and walked in when he allowed. "Got something?" He asked. I nodded in response. He stood up, "Round table room."

I walked into the conference room as Morgan sat down. Hotch was a step behind me and the other three followed suit, seeing us on our way there. I waited for them all to be seated and listening before I started explaining and showing them the photos and my evidence on the projector. After a while of talking and searching up things they wanted to know, I was now up to the security camera footage. I stood up when the others started to discuss the board where everything else was stuck up.

"Garcia, have you looked at the security footage yet?" Rossi asked.

"Not yet, I was about to go do that."

"Can you do it here so we can see it, please?" Hotch asked.

"Sure." I sat back down and looked at the laptop screen. I looked up and caught Reid's eyes, "Reid, my lovely boy, can you please get me some coffee?" I smiled convincingly.

He stood up, "Anyone else want some?"

"Yes please." JJ asked. The other two declined and Rossi already had some.

"Thank you!" I called after him as I started typing, finding the supplier of the cameras and then hacking their feed. It took me a few minutes before I brought up the first film from the first murder. I went to the day three weeks ago and sipped the coffee as Reid gave it to me.

"Fast forward it to 11 pm." Reid said. We didn't have exact times, only between two different times. I moved it to 11 pm and sped it up a bit as it played through. JJ pointed out when we first see the victim at 11:23 and I slowed it down to watch at a normal pace. "He was waiting for them." Reid said as we observed the victim looking around and checking his watch. After a few minutes, we saw a figure walking over quickly. We watched as they talked for a minute or two and then the hooded figure pulled a knife and made the initial stab to the abdomen. He enforced another four stabs to his body before he stood and looked around before walking away from the dead victim. I had looked away after the first stab.

"Mama, go back to when he's looking around and see if you can catch his face."

I nodded and did as Morgan said. I couldn't get an image of his face; the hood was covering too much. After trying several times and expressing my frustration in noises and curse words, Hotch told me to move to the next stabbing. We watched the first five and I wasn't able to capture anything on the murderer except for his approximate height and weight, to which it was the same every time, proving it to be the same man every time. The footage of the fifth murder was the closest we got to actually revealing his face, to which I was only able to determine that he was white and had a stubble.

"Alright, a white guy with a stubble who we _think_ may be local and not married and probably not in a relationship. Easy, no problem." JJ said sarcastically.

"We still have another one to look at." Reid said hopefully as I brought up the most recent murder in the camera footage that best showed the immediate area. It viewed the scene perfectly.

"I'm starting to think these locations are picked specifically so cameras would catch them." I said quietly as I started the footage from the estimated time.

"He knows he can't be seen in the hoodie." Morgan said.

"When I find out who did this, I'm going to kill them myself." I said as I watched the latest victim appear outside of the apartment building that I had earlier determined he did not live in. A man matching the same height and weight of the previous crime scenes walked into the cameras view yet again but something was different. He wasn't wearing a hood, his head and face were very visible to me, and there was someone with him. A woman with dark hair. I paused the footage and zoomed in, "Bingo, you son of a—Chris?"

"What?" JJ took a few more steps towards the big screen and looked at the image, "No, keep playing it. It can't be him."

I played it through and didn't look away or blink as I saw Chris stab the victim twice. "Oh my god." I said quietly.

"If that's Chris…then zoom into the dark haired woman?" Morgan asked.

I looked at him with a face of fear, "I don't want to."

"Garcia, do it." JJ said with determination, hurt, and anger in her voice. I bit my lip as I zoomed in on Emily's face. She had fresh and fading bruises; she had lost a lot of weight, her hair looked unhealthy, let alone the rest of her. She looked shocked and terrified. "She left us with no warning, no honest explanation, and became a murderer?" JJ asked quietly, chocked up on tears. A few tears dripped onto my cheeks. I found it difficult to keep breathing.

"She's so thin and unhealthy." Reid said in a sad, quiet voice.

"She's not a murderer. Look at her eyes; she's terrified. At least not _yet._ " Hotch said.

Morgan shook his head, "I told you he was bad news. I told _her_ that he was bad news when we first met him. Now she's stuck in an abusive, dangerous relationship with him."

"…Abusive?" I whispered the word and more tears fell onto my cheeks.

"Those bruises weren't from any staircase or door," He said, "She knew we were onto it, she knew we were going to do something about it, and that is why she left." He was furious. Reid asked me to replay the last few seconds that had passed in the footage and he read the words on her lips so we'd know what she said. Rossi wrote their small conversation down onto the board across the room.

"What do we do?" I looked up at Hotch.

"She's a suspect of murder or of assistance of murder. Right now, we treat her as we would any other suspect. Follow them with cameras around the area; find where they go." He said as I replayed it back again and we watched them talk for a few seconds before she glanced around and followed him, not that she had much choice with how he was pulling on her wrist. I hadn't missed the wince when he first grabbed it or every time he pulled on it.

I nodded and did as I was told. I ignored the thoughts about her being a friend in my head. I needed to pretend that I didn't know her if I was going to dig into this. After a while, I managed to catch them rounding a corner but I lost them there. I was then instructed to dig into Emily's life. That was no easy for me to do.

* * *

" _Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more, and shut people out." – UNK._


	6. Chapter 6

**Prentiss**

About a week had past and I started seeing more police and ununiformed agents that I recognised around. I don't think they had seen me; I always managed to get out of their sight when I saw them, but I had a feeling they were onto Chris. I wouldn't tell him; I wanted him gone. I wanted to leave this prison of a house that I was rarely allowed to leave alone; I wanted him out of my life so I could move on with it. He hated me in a way that made me think he loved me and he made me hate myself. I loved him, but he made it that way. He was the sweetest guy until we got too deep into the relationship. But then what would I do if he wasn't around?

Tonight, he wanted to go out for a few drinks at a bar nearby. I got changed into a pair of black leather jeans. They were supposed to be skinny and tight around my waist but they were very loose and not as skinny as they should have been due to my weight loss. I wasn't sure whether I was happy or not with my weight yet. I put on a red shirt that didn't fit properly anymore and I brushed my hair out. I put on more makeup then I used to wear. I wore too much every day just to cover the bruises. I grabbed my black purse and slid my red heels on.

He drove to a bar a few blocks away and I walked inside with him a step behind me. He told me to go sit at a table and he'd get us drinks. I obeyed and went to find a table before I was intercepted. "Emily." Reid said quietly.

I let out a breath, "Reid…"

He guided me to the table of the team quickly. "We know about him and the murders." He said quietly as we walked. I was unwilling to go with him; Chris would hurt them and me if he saw us together, but I didn't have much choice. Garcia put her glass down and stared at me as I walked with Reid. The others followed her gaze and all looked at me. I stood at their table and looked around the bar to find Chris. I couldn't see him; there were quite a few people here tonight.

I turned back and didn't let them speak, "Get out of here before he sees you."

"Too late." Rossi said, putting his glass down. The others did too.

I felt his hand press to my lower back, "Emily, my dear, what are you doing over here?"

"They were just leaving." I said, looking at them with pleading eyes. My back was still to Chris. I mouthed a silent "I'm so sorry" to them and then looked to my side when Chris stepped to it.

"No, we weren't," Morgan stood up.

"Morgan, don't." I warned, shaking my head.

"No Emily. You're shaking with fear right now. You didn't really think we'd let you take her away from us, did you?" He looked up at Chris.

"It was _her_ idea to leave, and she's been with me for a month now. She's happy, Morgan."

"She's really not." Reid said matter-of-factly, shaking his head.

I closed my eyes, "Please stop."

"Come Emily, we have to go." He grabbed my bare wrist, scars visible to the team, and I winced.

"Chris." I hissed quietly in pain.

"Well it wouldn't hurt if you didn't slice it open!" He said in anger.

"I'm sorry." I said quietly.

"You're not leaving." JJ said.

He looked at her and then to me, "What did you tell them?"

I looked to my right, away from him and bit my tongue to keep my anger back, "I didn't tell them anything; they're not stupid."

"No, but you are if you don't walk away right now." He said threateningly.

I took a step back slowly and looked at him. Morgan was standing a few steps to my other side. "Emily, stop." The sound of Morgan's voice was like a comforting part of my old life. I stopped when he said to; it was just a habit to follow the team's orders in dangerous situations. They could see around me better than I could.

I looked up and my eyes met with Hotch's. "Stop him." I mouthed silently. He looked to Chris and then to Morgan as if to ask which one I wanted him to stop. I glanced towards Morgan and then back to him. He looked at Morgan and hesitated before his eyes met mine again and he shook his head. I looked at Chris who was now a step in front of me to my left. He was looking at Morgan with such fury. I saw his fists ball and he went to take a step to Morgan so I stepped forwards again quickly and faced him, standing in his way. "Please."

I wasn't expecting him to slap me so hard across my right cheek right here in front of both the team and the other people in the bar, some of which had noticed the tension. He pulled my hair back so I'd face him again and then he pushed me against the wall hard, his hand on my throat. I closed my eyes and tried not to struggle in my desperation to breathe. "Do not get in my way again." He said menacingly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I apologised quickly. I had one hand held up, palm out to Morgan to tell him not to do anything. It looked like it physically pained him not to help me.

He let go of my neck and took a step back, "Let's go." He was very forceful this time and I nodded quickly. He walked away and towards the exit. I took my clutch from the table and looked at them again.

"Don't go with him." Garcia said.

"I have to." I said quietly.

"Why?" JJ asked.

"Because he'll kill me if I don't. He loves me."

"We can help you." She said, her voice desperate.

I shook my head, "For your own safety, don't. Forget about it; this is my life now. I'm stuck in it and the only way I'm getting out is if he dies."

"Prentiss." Hotch tried to stop me when I took a step back.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't want to go," I shook my head, "I love you." I said to all of them before turning and walking quickly to the exit.

* * *

Chris had forced me to tell him everything the team knew. He wanted to leave the United States. He wanted to go somewhere with no extradition; Morocco or Vatican City or something like that. I didn't want to go; I didn't want to leave Virginia. I gained several bruises tonight, very bad ones. They wouldn't be easy to cover up with makeup in the morning.

"Chris?"

"We leave tomorrow at 11. Go to bed." He said to me quietly, his back to me in the kitchen.

"…Are you coming to bed?"

"Not yet."

I sighed and looked down. I nodded to myself and walked away. I went up the hall and closed the door to the bedroom. I took my robe off and hung it up in the closet before sitting down on the bed. I took the picture out from underneath my pillow and I allowed one tear to drip down my cheek as I looked at my team and I. We looked happy enough. I remember the night we took it. We had a particularly rough case and went out for dinner and drinks to distract us. We had managed to laugh and smile and have a good time. I smiled, thinking back to that night. I missed the fun I had with them.

I slid it back under my pillow and walked back to the closet. I opened it quietly and took out the box hidden in the back. I removed the phone from it and glanced to the door as I slid the box back into its hiding place. I had bought the phone the same week we left; I figured Chris would look through mine and I was right, he did often. He didn't know I had this one.

I dialled JJ's number and waited until she picked it up on the third ring, "Agent Jareau."

"JJ, I fucked up." I spoke quietly.

"Oh my god, Em," She sounded relieved to hear from me, "Hold on, I'll put you on speaker."

I waited a few seconds before I heard background noise, "I don't know how long I have; I'm not supposed to have this phone or talk to any of you. I just wanted to apologise for not saying something when I should have."

"No, we get it Emily. You were scared and you were convinced that he loved you and that you loved him. Or because you _do_ love him; I don't really know the difference, personally," Garcia said, "But my point is, you don't have to be sorry, but you do have to tell us where you are so our heroes and heroine can bring you home."

I took an unsteady breath and closed my eyes as I lied to them, "I'm home. My home is where he is," I said quietly to myself, "We're leaving the country tomorrow; you're getting too close and he knows that if I hadn't stopped him and he threw that punch at Morgan, that he would be going down dead or to jail. He can't risk it."

"Then let him go but please come back to us." Reid said.

I held back the sobs that had risen in me but I let the tears fall silently, "I have to stay with him. I have to go."

"No you don't! Emily, listen to me. Will had never considered ever laying a hand on me; Rossi never touched any of this three wives, Hotch never touched Haley. Garcia and Sam never hurt each other, every girl that Morgan hooked up with might have meant nothing to him, but he still respected them and didn't hurt them. He doesn't touch Savannah. That's not a healthy relationship Emily; that is an abusive and toxic one," She stopped and waited for me to say something but I kept quiet so she continued, "One sorry doesn't make up for everything he has done to you. It isn't right and you know it isn't. We work to stop people like him and you're helping one get away."

I was crying a lot now. I didn't want her to be right but I knew she was. I had gotten myself into one big mess that had seemed impossible to escape from before, but I could let them do it; they would get me out. They would be furious with me when this was over both for leaving and not saying something for so long. For getting between him and Morgan at the bar, for even considering not letting them help me here.

"Norfolk International Airport, tomorrow morning at 11."

"We'll be there." Morgan replied. I hung the phone up and put it back into the box in the closet. I started to pack the things that were important to me; the things I wanted to keep, into that box. Most of it was already in there anyway.

After a while, I heard footsteps coming towards the room. I pushed the box into hiding, closed the closet and ran to the bed. I threw the blanket over me, calmed my breathing and kept my eyes closed, my body relaxed. He couldn't know I was awake; he'd be suspicious.

I opened my eyes a few minutes after he got into bed and turned the lamp out. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him tightly. That was one thing he did that kept me believing that I was important to him. I closed my eyes and kept my tears back. I couldn't regret it now, I had to let the team do something; I had to let him go. I didn't want to, but he deserved more than me. He deserved much, much better. He'd go jail, but he'd get out eventually and he'd find the girl that he deserved. I turned around under his arm and snuggled in closer to him, like a final silent goodbye. I felt him press a kiss to my hair and I opened my eyes again; he was sending me mixed signals and I didn't know what to believe.

The team. I need to believe the team.

* * *

" _And she finally gave up, dropped the fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and she whispered to herself "I can't do this anymore"." – Unknown._


	7. Chapter 7

**Prentiss**

"Emily, let's go!" He was angry with me. I made sure that the phone I used last night was on silent and slipped it into my bag. I made sure it dropped to the bottom and I walked out of the bedroom and towards the front door.

"Okay." I said quietly.

He was holding the door open and I went to walk about but he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall beside the door. His hand was on my throat to hold me there but it wasn't painful; he didn't put any force into it, "This is what you want, my dear. Do not blow this for us. It doesn't help that your picture is already all over the media. You want to be with me, you want us to have a good life that is uninterrupted but your old team, you want to love me, and you want me to love you."

I looked into his eyes, "Say it?"

He smirked, "I love you." He pressed a kiss to my lips; it wasn't soft but it wasn't hard like it usually was. He let go of my neck and pushed me out the door. He walked to the car quickly, his hand on my lower back as he went. I kept up with him and I wanted to ask where we would be flying to but I had learned quickly to keep quiet. He started the car and drove towards the Norfolk airport. I wasn't certain that this was where we'd be going but I had to make a guess last night.

"Morocco, my dear. We'll live like royalty."

I smiled to myself, "I hear Morocco is beautiful."

"And it has no extradition with the US. We'll be free to live in peace."

I nodded and looked away from him, out the window. A part of me was glad I called the team and told them what I did but another part regretted it. I had a sick feeling in my stomach that something bad was going to happen. I waited in silence the rest of the way, trying to keep myself calm and look as little suspicious as possible.

After what felt like forever, we pulled up at the airport. There was a man waiting where Chris stopped. I waited until he nodded to me and I stepped out of the car. I took my bag out of the back and grabbed his as well. He gave the keys to the man as I closed the trunk and he got into the car. I walked off the road and to Chris. He took his bag from me and grabbed my hand roughly. He walked quickly and pulled me with him.

I walked inside with him, half a step behind as he kept pulling on my hand impatiently. "Slow down." I said quietly, looking around subtly. I caught sight of JJ, her hair down and a book to hide her face.

He stopped and put a hand on my arm. His grip was hard and painful, "The sooner we get to Morocco, the sooner we're safe." He was angry now but he was fine before. I don't know what had changed but this happened more often than considered normal. He kept walking and pulled hard on my arm. Once we reached security checks, I saw one of the guards looking at a small photo. He looked between it and us for a few seconds before glancing at another guard. I spotted Hotch behind them, his back to us. Chris wouldn't notice them by just glancing around; he'd need to see them directly and maybe even a few times before he realised who it was. He didn't know them nearly as well as I did.

"Excuse me sir, ma'am, can the two of you please step to the side here." The guard who had looked at the photo spoke to us quietly.

I glanced at Chris as I stepped to the side. He sighed irritably and followed me. I had a gun on me that Chris didn't know about. I was praying that this was one of the team's plans and they'd leave it on me. The guard patted me down first. He made contact with the gun but he didn't react. I calmed myself down silently and took a step away from Chris unnoticed. The guard patted him down next and removed two guns and a knife. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to follow me." I thought he would have had a better plan than to just carry them on him.

Chris took a step towards me and grabbed my arm before pushing the guard out of the way and walking past quickly. He took the gun from my waistband; I didn't know that he was aware that I had it.

"Sir!" The guard tried to get him to stop. All at once it happened; Hotch turned around with his gun aimed at Chris, Rossi came from in front of us but to the left, Reid came from my left side, Morgan, JJ, and a few unknown men and women showed up behind us and spread out. We were surrounded. I saw Garcia a few metres behind Morgan. I was surprised they let her be here. Chris let go of me in shock but only for a few seconds. He looked at me with furious eyes and went to grab me quickly, probably to use me as a shield or something.

I took a step back so he couldn't get me and Reid pulled me behind him. "Chris, put the gun down." Reid said.

"No." He cocked it and pointed it at Hotch, the closest to him. I noticed that the public had flowed out and it was empty now except for Chris, me, agents, guards, and police officers.

"Chris, you don't want to do that." Morgan said.

I took a few steps forwards but Reid put one arm out to stop me going further. He kept his gun trained on Chris. I glanced at him at my side before looking back to the man I had spent the last month with almost in isolation, "Chris, look at me."

His looked between me and Hotch for a few seconds before he left them on me.

"Chris, you don't want this," I shook my head, "You want to go to Morocco and live like royalty and in peace. You don't want more trouble with the law. Put the gun down and they'll make you a deal. You'll get out in a few years and you'll go to Morocco and live how you want to."

"You'll come with me?"

I hesitated before nodding, "I'll be right by your side."

He shook his head, "No you won't. They won't let you." He motioned to Hotch where his gun still aimed but he was referring to the whole team.

"You're right, we won't. You don't deserve someone like Emily and you know that. You don't have a way out, Chris," Rossi said, "You shoot that gun at anyone or anywhere and you'll go down. Twelve guns are all trained on you."

"Please Chris. I love you; don't make me lose you."

He had been looking at Rossi but he looked back to me quickly, "Go to Morocco." He said quietly.

"What?" I gave him a questioning look. He lifted his gun slowly. "No, Chris, no," He held it to his temple, still looking at me. "NO!" I ran forwards and Reid failed to keep my back. I stopped in my tracks when I heard the shot and closed my eyes and turned away instinctively when I felt something wet spray over me.

I heard several gasps, I heard Garcia sob, I heard Hotch speak quietly to what I only assumed was a hooked microphone, "Cancel medical." I guess he had medical on standby; they probably knew he wouldn't be getting out unharmed.

I opened my eyes and looked down at his lifeless body a few steps in front of me. I put my hand over my mouth to keep the sobs back as tears fell from my eyes. I took my hand away and looked at it, seeing the blood on my hand from my face. I saw red out the corner of my eye and looked at my sleeve and then down the left side of my body. There was blood spattered all over that side of me. Morgan walked forwards and crouched, his gun still pointed at Chris, as he checked for a pulse. It was clear there wouldn't be one but we always had to check. He looked up after a few seconds and glanced at me before looking towards Hotch and Rossi. Silence fell over the room as the guns around me were lowered and holstered. I held the irritating sound of the gurney that they would carry him out on in a body bag. I turned quickly and walked away towards the exit of the airport.

"Em—"JJ went to call to me but stopped when I held my hand up and shook my head, my back still to her. Once I was out of the view of any of the team, I ran through the exit and around the side of the building. I stopped when I was out of view of anyone and leant against the wall of the airport. Tears overflowed at a fast pace and I started sobbing heavily. I closed my eyes and slid down the wall slowly, dropping to sit against it. I dropped my head into my hands and screamed through the tears and sobs. It was agonising physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I was shaking and I kept screaming; I needed to let it out before it consumed me. I felt eyes on me after a few minutes and I felt arms wrap around me. I knew it was Rossi by his cologne. He pressed a fatherly kiss to my hair and hushed me quietly. After another few minutes I had ran out of screams and my sobs were lessening as I took deep breaths to try and calm myself down, "He was all I had." I choked out quietly.

"You have us." Rossi said quietly. His arms were protective around me. They were warm and made me feel safe for the first time in months. Since I had been with Chris, I had felt anything _but_ safe. "You won, Emily. No more bruises and fights, no more isolation and starvation just to please him. No more abuse." I sobbed again and put my arms around him. "Come on, let's get you home and cleaned up. You'll stay at my place tonight." His voice was soft and sympathetic as he pulled me up with him.

Once I stood, I looked at my concerned team in front of us. JJ had tears in her eyes, Garcia's were falling. Reid looked upset but he wasn't crying. Morgan and Hotch looked worried for me but they never showed much more than that. I stepped away from Rossi quickly and ran to JJ. She met me half way and her tears finally fell. I hadn't seen her in a month apart from those few minutes in the bar. A month might not have sounded long but going from seeing your best friend every day to not seeing her at all, it was painful.

"I missed you so much," She whispered quietly, "I'm so sorry, Emily." I knew she was referring to Chris's death. Well…suicide. As hard as it was for them all to understand or believe, they knew that I couldn't help but love him. He made it that way; it was his intention since the very beginning; to make me love him so that he could get out with someone with him; someone who was already broken and just wanted to be loved.

* * *

" _He put me through hell, and I called it love." – Unknown._


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm so sorry for not updating over the past few days! There was so much homework and assessments and there just wasn't enough time. I have exams in a few weeks so my updating will probably still be a bit irregular for the next few. So sorry!**

 **Thank you to the people who have followed, favourited, and reviewed so far. I love seeing the amount of people my stories reach and all of your thoughts :)**

 **-A xx**

 **Prentiss**

The team thought that I needed company, people to lean on and grieve with. They all came to Rossi's tonight too. Will and Henry met us there, Jessica dropped Jack off. I wondered when JJ and Will had worked it out and if he had moved back in yet. I took a few seconds to breathe before I got out of the car with Rossi and JJ. I saw Garcia, Reid, Morgan, and Hotch all watching me. They had since gotten out of the car they came in. I wanted to be alone, by myself with nothing but darkness and tears, but they wouldn't let that happen. They knew I was at the beginning of something bad.

It wasn't particularly cold out tonight but I pulled my coat over me tighter to block the wind. I felt colder than them; I was too thin to feel warmth. I hated that I let myself cause this, but then I thought of Chris and what he had wanted. He wanted a skinny, quiet girl to do whatever he wanted her to. That's who I tried to be; I dropped as much weight as I could and I was still trying, I learnt to shut up quickly and I obeyed everything he had said.

I eventually looked up and met Garcia's eyes. She was still crying, holding herself to Morgan. I knew that they wouldn't initiate conversation or contact with me; they didn't want to overwhelm me and they didn't know the extent of what I had gone through. They didn't want to risk scaring me. They wouldn't have, they were my team, they were still my family; the only family I had left now that Chris was gone. JJ had a loose arm around me and I walked away from it quickly and towards Garcia. She parted from Morgan and I hugged her tightly. I sobbed into her shoulder and she kept her arms around me, hushing me quietly.

"You have no idea how much we missed you and how much we wanted to do something about it. We would have come sooner but we didn't think you wanted us to."

We parted and she gasped quietly, "Your eye is…"

"Black?" I nodded, "Early this morning. Mustn't have set until the drive here." She swallowed and looked extremely concerned about it. If only she knew how minor this was compared to other things.

I smiled and glanced at Morgan a step away from her. He smiled sadly and I stepped to him, hugging him too. I didn't want them to think that I blamed them or didn't trust them. No one on this team had ever done anything to intentionally hurt me. Most women who have been through what I have, they'd be wary of everyone no matter how long they knew them, but my team was too important to me to freak out on and scare away.

After I parted from Morgan, I moved to Reid; he was closer than Hotch or Will, who had now joined us outside. "We're always going to be here for you." He whispered quietly into my ear. I smiled and closed my eyes. After another minute, I moved to Hotch. He didn't speak, he just returned my hug and that was all I needed to know what he was thinking. He was sorry and he was offering his support.

After I hugged Hotch, I ended with Will. He spun me around and smiled at me when we parted, "It's real nice to have you back, Em."

I forced a smile, "Thanks." He nodded and kissed JJ's cheek before going back inside to Henry and Jack. I stood in silence and looked at the ground as the others talked briefly and then they decided to go inside. Reid had noticed how tight I was pulling my coat. Garcia put her arm around me and I walked with her quietly.

* * *

I was quiet all night; I stared at the ground and kept in my thoughts. The team spoke quietly and they were careful on what they said and spoke about around me. I had a few drinks with them before Hotch and Rossi agreed that I shouldn't overdo it and stopped me from having any more. Reid's comments on Stockholm Syndrome made me want to drink even more. After that, I went up to the room Rossi had assigned me and I lay down and cried for hours. All I could think about was Chris and what had happened right in front of me that day. I screamed into my pillow and tried to keep the team from hearing anything.

This morning, I got up in the late morning, showered, and watched the blood swirl with the water for a while before I got changed and did my hair and makeup. Once I looked presentable, I went downstairs and found the team in the dining room with coffees.

"Good morning." Garcia smiled.

I glanced at her but looked to Rossi quickly, "Thanks for letting me stay." My voice was very quiet. I turned to walk out of the room but I didn't get further than a step.

"Prentiss." Hotch stopped me from walking away. I turned and looked at him. "Where are you going?"

"Home. I need to go home." I replied.

"…Like, you're apartment home?" Garcia asked.

I nodded and turned again. I walked out quickly so that I couldn't be stopped again and I took my coat as I left his house. The door opened again once I reached the bottom of the porch and the footsteps followed me. "You plan on walking?" JJ asked. I looked at her at my side as I stopped walking. She smiled and lifted her keys, "I'll give you a lift."

"Thanks." I didn't want to accept it but it would have been rude not to.

She drove me home with little talk; she knew I didn't want to speak. Once we pulled up at my apartment, she offered to come inside with me but I declined and told her to go back to the team, Will, and Henry. She told me twice that they were all there for me before she left reluctantly. She didn't want to leave me here alone but they all knew that I needed to be by myself.

I went inside and locked the door behind me. I got my phone from the kitchen counter where I had left it and I turned it on. There were countless texts and calls starting from the night I left to the night they saw me at that bar. I put the phone down and turned around. Everywhere, I saw evidence of Chris. I didn't try to stop the rising sobs. Every time I closed my eyes, the scene replayed itself like I was still there and it was still in front of me. He shot himself right there, I was sprayed with his blood; he smirked at me the second before he pulled the trigger. Every time I was in silence, I kept hearing the words _"Go to Morocco"_ again and again.

I decided that I needed a distraction. I played music loud and started to deep clean my apartment. It was exhausting and I felt really nauseous from the amount of activity I was doing on little sleep and little food. I powered through for hours before it fell dark and I turned the music off. I checked my phone; I had three new texts asking how I was going from JJ, Garcia, and Rossi. I ignored them and went upstairs to my bed. Once I laid down, the thoughts, memories, and flashbacks began to replay themselves again.

I tried fighting the urge for a while but it eventually got the best of me. The craving to see my blood run with the water was a strong one; it was like a habit that was impossible to shake. I got up, tears still rolling down my cheeks, and I walked to the bathroom. I had a long shower; I hadn't noticed how hot the water was until I got out and I noticed the hot, almost burning sensation all over my body. I ignored it and tied my hair up, threw on a shirt that used to fit but was now loose, and long cotton pyjama pants. I put my phone on its charger and lay in the darkness of my bedroom, scrolling through the photos I had of Chris and I from the first one to the last. Crying myself to sleep had never been much of a frequent occurrence until only recently.

* * *

I spent two days in complete solitude. I woke up early today and got out of bed for the first time since I came home. I sat downstairs in silence for about two hours before I was distracted by the sound of knocking at my door. It went on for a short while. "Emily, come on! I know you're up!" I heard JJ call through the door.

"Em, please?" Garcia spoke this time. I contemplated letting them in but I really wasn't in any type of mood or state, mental or physical, to see anyone right now. I move further down on the couch, pulled the blanket around me tighter and put the pillows over my ears to try and at least muffle the sounds.

I heard JJ sigh loudly in defeat, "Look, we just want to know that you're okay and if you need anything. Food, entertainment, anything. Company…" I got up and walked to the notepad and pen in the drawer across the room. I wrote down _"I'm okay"_ and then walked to the door. I slid the paper underneath the door with slight difficulty and then I sat against it, my two best friends on the other side. "Okay, well just let me hear your voice? Please?" JJ asked. I didn't reply.

"Do you need anything at all? We'll go get it for you right now." Garcia said. I didn't reply again.

I heard the two of them sigh. "Alright, well call or text me when you feel okay enough to see us," JJ said, "We love you so much, Emily. Please, I need you to know that." Tears dripped again and I closed my eyes. I tried to hold my sob in but I failed.

"Oh Em, just open the door!" Garcia's words told me that they heard the sob, "I'll call Derek and get him to kick it down; you know he'll do it."

I pulled myself together the best I could and stood up. I opened the door slightly, not even as far as the still hooked chain would allow, "I'm okay." My voice was so quiet that I pondered whether I actually spoke or I had just thought about speaking.

"You're not. Come on honey, you need company." JJ said.

"You should go to work."

"We were approved to have the day off to spend some time with you. There isn't a case, so…" Garcia said.

"Then go see your families."

"Will's working, Henry has school." JJ spoke softly.

"You _are_ my family." Garcia spoke the same as she always did. Always soft, always oddly calming; unless of course she was angry or frustrated with an unsub or with Morgan; then she was almost scary.

"I just want to be alone." I admitted.

"Okay, well what do you want from the store? I know there is nothing in there because there wasn't a month ago, I drove you home from Rossi's the other day, and I'm guessing you haven't left the house in two days since."

"I don't want anything; thank you anyway."

"Em—"

"Please just let me grieve?" I lowered my voice even further as I cut Garcia off. Did they even hear that? I knew I shouldn't have answered the door, but I didn't doubt that she'd call Morgan or that he'd kick my door down.

"Okay, okay. Just please call me when you're ready to talk." JJ said. I didn't say anything to that and after a few seconds, I heard the two of them walk away. I closed the door and turned the lock again.

The tears kept falling as I walked away from the door. I turned everything in the apartment off then; every light, ever digital clock. I lay the analog clocks face down, I turned my phone off. I drew all curtains closed although most of them already were. I unplugged the TV downstairs and up in my room, I turned off everything. I went upstairs and had a really long shower before I went to bed…in the morning.

* * *

" _The quickest path to self-destruction is to push away the people you love." – Cassia Leo._


	9. Chapter 9

**Prentiss**

Days upon days past. I only got out of bed to shower and go to the bathroom but then I would go right back to hiding from the world underneath the thick covers and surrounded by soft pillows. Time didn't mean anything to me right now; I didn't know the time. I hadn't turned my phone on; I hadn't had any type of contact with anyone for a full three weeks.

I hadn't eaten much of anything, I hadn't drunk much either; only some water when I felt so weak that I couldn't help myself. I don't remember the last time I went downstairs; everything I needed was upstairs. I drank from the faucet in my ensuite bathroom; it was closest to the bed.

I tried to get up this morning, to do something, _anything_ , to take my mind away from the thoughts that dragged me down into the endless abyss of loneliness and depression that I should have been feeling. People always thought that depression was feeling sad and down all the time, that it was distancing yourself from others, and it was these things but it was also feeling numb the majority of the day. It was craving to feel something, any emotion other than empty or sad, but not being able to find one. It was when you got so down that you didn't even feel down; it felt normal, but it felt inevitable and impossible to overcome.

I now felt nothing. I cried but the only reason I did was because I wanted to. I didn't feel anything to _make_ me cry. I wasn't sad, I wasn't all that lonely, I wasn't grieving; I felt _nothing_. And that scared the hell out of me. Well…I guess I felt fear, but that was about all. Some days felt better than others, but they were all still shit. So today when I had a day that felt slightly better than the previous and I tried to get out of bed, I collapsed. It was like my legs had just given out completely beneath me. I didn't know how much I weighed; I hadn't checked in a week. This wasn't supposed to happen. I felt dizzy, my vision was almost hazy. I lifted a hand to my head as everything seemed to spin around me. I felt sick, I felt faint, and I knew that this was not good. I couldn't get back up no matter how much force I tried to use to pull myself upright; I just kept falling back down. My legs weren't strong enough to hold me.

I crawled, pulled myself along the ground across the room towards the door. My phone was downstairs. Just pulling myself that far exhausted me and I became dizzier with every slight movement. Tears filled my eyes; it all hurt. Once I got out of the room, it was time to get to the staircase. That would be the hardest part; getting down the stairs.

I sat against the wall at the top of them for a few minutes and closed my eyes. I sat with my head resting against the wall and tried to steady my breaths and make my eyes focus properly. It wasn't working very well. I shook my head as more tears fell. I didn't know what to do. I heard a knock on my door then and put my hand over my mouth to stifle the sobs. Help could be standing on the other side of that locked door right now.

"…Emily? It's us." JJ called loudly through the door. She didn't know where I'd be in the apartment so she made herself heard. Who was 'us'? Was it the whole team or was it just her and Garcia again?

"Em, open the door. Please?" Reid's voice was sad and helpless. I closed my eyes and sobbed.

"We're not leaving until you open this door, Prentiss," Morgan said, "I _will_ kick it down if I have to." I could call out right now and ask him to. I could ask for their help, but I didn't want them to see me like this. I wasn't sick enough to reject the idea that I wasn't healthy. I was extremely and dangerously unhealthy, physically and probably mentally.

I tried to get up again but I fell back to the ground with a loud thud. "…Emily?" JJ called louder, "Em, are you okay?" They must have heard the sound.

"Ow…" I said quietly to myself. I lifted my hand to my head again as it ached. My vision blackened slightly and then steadied back to the hazy view. I was fighting to stay conscious but my body was drained. "Help." I said this three times; the first was too quiet for them to hear, the second they might have heard but questioned whether they heard correctly. The third was loud enough for them to definitely hear what I was saying correctly.

A few seconds past before I heard the loud sound of the door busting open. I was lying on the ground at the top of the stairs now; they'd find me soon enough. I heard them talking with fast and anxious voices before I heard someone's breath catch in their throat. "Prentiss." It was Hotch who found me first. He ran up the staircase quickly and crouched at my side. He held my chin gently to make me look at him. "Keep your eyes open, Prentiss. Keep looking at me. Dave! Call an ambulance!" I felt him press his fingers to both my neck and my wrist to find my pulse.

I struggled to keep my eyes trained on him; my consciousness was slipping quickly. I grabbed his wrist weakly so he'd let go of my chin and shook my head, "I'm sorry." My voice was quiet and short of breath.

"No Emily, fight. Stay with me. Dave!"

"I'm calling!" I heard Rossi call back from downstairs. I had caught a glimpse of him seconds ago but he must have been too affected by the sight of me to stay up here. I didn't blame him; I looked terrible.

"Oh my god." I heard Garcia sob heavily. Morgan hushed her and pulled her into his arms when I managed to glance over. JJ had both her hands over her mouth and tears streaming down her cheeks. Reid's cheeks were spotted with a few tears and he had a comforting arm around JJ. I looked back to Hotch; I had never seen him so worried. His eyes were wild but they weren't like Chris' used to be. They weren't angry, they were anxious and fearful.

"I'm sorry." I apologised again as I felt a tear fall from my eye and down the side of my face towards my hairline. Everything went silent and black seconds after.

* * *

I woke up in the hospital room and I waited a few seconds before my eyes adjusted and my hearing defined. I could hear Garcia, JJ, and Reid whispering. My head throbbed, I felt nauseous.

"Hey." Reid said quietly, approaching the side of my bed. JJ walked over and stood beside him, looking down to me. Garcia was texting quickly as she walked to my other side. She kissed my cheek and then looked back down to her phone.

I looked back to the other side where Reid and JJ were still looking at me. "Do you remember what happened?" JJ asked quietly.

My throat was dry so I swallowed and nodded, "I tried to get out of bed and then I collapsed. I tried to crawl or drag myself down to my phone to call for help but I wasn't strong enough and then Morgan kicked my door in. Help me out of here?"

"No," Reid shook his head and grabbed my wrist when I reached for the IV in my arm. I flinched at the pain of his grip over the bandage that covered my wounds and he let go immediately, "You have to stay in here. You only came in yesterday; you've got a few more days to go, minimum."

"I'm fine." I assured.

"You're not." I heard Hotch's stern voice. I looked up and saw him, Rossi, and Morgan walking in. "You'll be in here for at least another week and you'll have to undergo physical therapy."

I raised my eyebrows in shock, "Physical therapy?"

"The strength in your legs is gone." JJ said quietly.

"Oh god, I'm a paraplegic." I dropped my head back and closed my eyes.

Garcia snickered, "Right; at least that dark sense of humour isn't gone. And it was only because you didn't eat at all and you didn't move for three weeks."

"I moved." I defended myself.

"Barely."

I groaned and pulled one pillow from beneath me head and held it over my face. "Please leave me alone." My voice was muffled. I heard footsteps and I heard the smirk in Morgan's voice when he greeted who had entered.

I lifted the pillow and looked at the doctor tending to me. Of course it was Savannah; why would Morgan accept anyone else? "Really Morgan? Was requesting her to treat me really necessary?"

He smirked at me and shrugged his shoulders, "I trust her. She'll make you eat no matter what while you're here."

I groaned and pulled the pillow back over my face, "I don't need to eat; I need to leave." My voice was muffled again.

"Oh, you _really_ need to eat," Rossi said, "You're only 76 pounds, you know."

"I am not." I dropped the pillow again.

"You are," Savannah confirmed as she walked over to the side of the bed and looked at a clipboard, "and it will not be as easy to recover from as you seem to think." She raised her eyebrows at me. I stared back at her with not-so-kind eyes. She titled her head, "How much pain are you in?"

"I'm not." I shook my head.

"You're lying. I cannot help you if you lie to me, Emily."

"You could discharge me."

"Okay," She put her clipboard down, "If you tried to get up right now, you would physically not be able to hold yourself up. I could diagnose you with anorexia right now and I should, and good luck getting out of here sooner than a month if I do because some of the doctors here wanted to put you in the psych ward. I could talk all day about the risks and possible outcomes but I won't because I don't want to upset your team and I particularly don't want to argue with you. So tell me again, how much pain are you in?"

"I'm not." I said sternly.

Savannah looked at Morgan, "You owe me big time. Like a two week vacation big time. Like you get to cook every night for the rest of the year big time."

Morgan bit his lip, "In my defence, I _did_ tell you that she was extremely stubborn and uncooperative."

She took a breath and looked back at me, "Your vitals are steadying. A therapist will come in once a day before noon to speak with you; that was something I had to agree on if I was to keep you out of the psych ward." She continued to explain things to me but I got distracted after a minute or two and stopped listening. After she finished telling me what she needed to, she left to go see another patient.

"You didn't listen to a word of that, did you?" Morgan asked.

I looked to him and hesitated, "…I listened."

"For two minutes." He rolled his eyes.

"I got distracted," I admitted, "and I'm tired, so…"

JJ sighed, "Fine, we'll leave you." She kissed my cheek before rubbing Reid's arm briefly as she walked away from the bed. She walked past the team without a glance and out of the room quickly; I thought I saw a tear on her cheek when she turned to the hall. Reid smiled and squeezed my hand before following her. Garcia kissed my other cheek and ran her hand on Morgan's shoulder before leaving. Morgan looked at me for a few seconds before looking down and leaving the room. I expected Hotch and Rossi to leave as well but they stood motionless, looking at each other.

"…What?" I asked them.

Rossi took a breath and walked towards me slowly.

"Hmm," I hummed, "I feel a lecture coming on."

"No lecture," He shook his head, "All I'm going to say is that you scared us all half to death and you better not do that ever again. Understand me?"

I looked down, "I never meant for it to get this far."

"No one heard a word from you for three whole weeks, Emily. Your whole apartment is off and it's chaos. That's not an okay way to live, even for a week. I know you well enough to know that you're not you, solely because you're one of the biggest neat freaks I know."

I decided to swallow my pride just this once. I looked at him and kept my voice low, "I'm sorry."

"Don't let it happen again." He kissed my forehead and then nodded to Hotch before leaving the room. Hotch stood looking at me in silence.

"I'm not sure whether he's angry with me or relieved that I'm okay."

"He's both. We all are. I know that Chris is the cause of this and I know everything he did to you, but you don't have to live by him anymore, Prentiss. He made you feel less than you are; he made you believe that you needed to change yourself. He brainwashed you."

"He didn't." I shook my head.

"He did." His voice was stern.

"No, he didn't," I looked up with hard eyes, my voice was a lot more forceful and guarded this time, " _I_ did this to myself. I've been on my own for three weeks, no Chris, nobody. I did this."

He shook his head, "Chris made you—"

"Chris is dead," I cut him off, "He was all I had and now he's dead so don't go blaming anything on him, Hotchner. I get that you hate him, but I don't so could you just at least _pretend_ to…I don't know…support me in this?"

"Support you? That's exactly what I and the team have been trying to do for weeks, Prentiss. You didn't let us in and now look where you are. I do hate him, and you will too once you start to move on. I wouldn't blame it on him if it weren't his fault but the truth is that this whole mess is a result of him. I'm sorry that I hadn't seen the negative effects he would have on you until it was too late," He looked angry now, "Do you have any idea what it is like to hear one of your friends - someone of your family, someone you were supposed to protect at all costs and would have if they allowed you, might I add - call for your help from the other side of a door, and then find them lying on the ground, withered away to nothing? No strength, hollowed eyes and cheeks, dulled eyes that used to shine with such brightness, and to have them fall unconscious in your arms. Emily I was supposed to protect you with everything I had and you wouldn't let me and now look where you are."

It made me so angry to hear him speak about Chris like that and rage filled every part of me because of it, but then he spoke about how he found me and I felt too guilty to be angry with him, "I am so sorry."

He shook his head and walked away from me and out of the room quickly. I sat in silence for a few seconds, looking at the door he had exited through. Tears filled my eyes and I bit my lip to hold the rising sobs back.

* * *

" _I become attached to people I shouldn't. I distance myself from the people that matter. I am bad with people. I am good at being alone. But I hate being lonely." – P.P._


	10. Chapter 10

**Prentiss**

Two weeks in hospital and I was about ready to shoot up the place just to get out. The idea, let alone the reality of being confined to a bed in a small room and being constantly surrounded by doctors and my team drove me insane. I tried to sleep as much as I could just so I wouldn't see them all around me.

Savannah didn't take my hostility to heart and she was nicer than she needed to be. The therapist that came in every day was one from the bureau and I assumed Hotch had requested it so that he could get the information he wanted to know. The physical therapist wasn't the nicest of people; he was just there to get the job done and then leave. Not that I blamed him; I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around lately. I was bitter, more sarcastic than usual, and I threw glares around a lot. Today, I was told that I was making really great progress in the physical therapy section. I wasn't exactly eating at the hospital and Savannah knew that. The bureau therapist wasn't getting much from me at all.

I sat in the same bed now, staring at the tray of food they had brought in for me. The team sat around quietly, watching me and making conversation quiet enough that I wouldn't hear what they were saying.

"Emily!" Savannah spoke louder. I looked up at her quickly and after seeing the eyes of the team, I knew she had been trying to get my attention for at least a short while. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

She sighed and glanced at Morgan and then Hotch before walking out of the room, probably to see another patient.

"…You didn't hear her, did you?" Garcia asked quietly. I shook my head in response. She sighed, "She basically told you to eat."

"If you eat today and tomorrow, you're allowed out on Thursday," JJ glanced at Garcia, "But you have to stay with one of us for a few months until you're eating regularly and voluntarily."

I snickered, "Yeah, right."

"You're staying with Hotch." Reid said quietly.

"No I'm not; I'm going back to my apartment."

"You're not going anywhere if you don't eat that, so come on." Rossi motioned to the food in front of me.

"I'm not eating with you all watching me."

Morgan stood up, "Fine. We'll leave and come back in ten minutes. If it's not gone in ten, I'll make sure you never get out of here."

I rolled my eyes and looked at my hands as I picked at my nails. They all stood up and left quietly. Once a few seconds past, I looked up and saw no one around and no one watching in from outside. I reached over to my side and took the small trashcan. It was covered so none of them would see the food in there. I put it all in the trashcan and left a few of the empty packaging on the tray. I could get out of here; I was smart enough to trick them, right?

I felt extremely tired after the day of physical therapy, tests, and a long discussion with my therapist. I didn't talk much but she did and she wasn't in the mood to tiptoe around the issue today. So I was tired and I was in a bad mood and I couldn't concentrate on anything for longer than what felt like only thirty seconds. I lay down in the bed and closed my eyes. I fell asleep almost immediately. It was all you could do here.

* * *

I woke in the early evening. The team would have another two hours here at the most before they had to leave. I could hear their quiet talk and Garcia and JJ laughing. Will was here now; I could hear his voice. I kept my eyes closed for a few minutes and listened closely. Will and Reid were trying to make Garcia and JJ laugh with much success, Morgan was talking to Hotch and Rossi about me and the current situation.

"She won't come back easily from this. She's been to hell and back too many times."

"Morgan, she's strong. She'll get through it." Rossi assured.

"She almost starved herself to death, Rossi. She's cutting herself; she thinks that she deserved what Chris did to her. How are you so sure that she'll get through it this time around?"

"Because we're here and she knows that." Hotch said quietly, his tone putting an end to Morgan's growing argument. My mood dropped instantly from the already low level it was in at the mention of Chris's name. Anger, sadness, and guilt filled me just like it did every other time that I thought about him. At least I could feel my emotions now, even if it was just temporary.

I opened my eyes and blinked the tears away that had begun welling in my eyes. "Evening, sunshine." Garcia smiled at me.

"You're in trouble, sunshine." JJ said in the same light tone that Garcia had used. I gave her a questioning look at my other side. "Rossi looked in the trashcan." She expanded.

I groaned and closed my eyes as I pulled the thin blanket up and over my face.

"Emily—"

"Shh," I hushed Rossi, "I'm sleeping."

Morgan sighed, "You're not getting out of here anytime soon."

"Is that supposed to be a threat?"

"No, I'm just saying that you're not getting out anytime soon."

"Don't you have a case?" I looked over at Hotch. He shook his head and sat back, crossing his arms over and staring back at me. He watched me intently in silence as I looked away, feeling too intimidated by his eyes. "Well you have homes to go to."

"I brought your book." Garcia said innocently, ignoring my comment. I sighed and thanked her. She passed it to me and I opened it to the bookmarked page. I started to read through the words slowly and silently. I tried to ignore the eyes on me; I was not in the mood for socialisation. I read through each sentence a few times each because I just couldn't concentrate on it. It took me ten minutes to get through one page.

Hotch's phone had started to ring after about fifteen minutes of my silence and he left the room answer it. He came back in after a few minutes and said he needed to pick up Jack. He said a brief goodbye to the team and nodded to me before leaving the room.

JJ and Will had to leave not soon after that to get home to Henry. That left me with Rossi, Morgan, Garcia, and Reid. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want a lecture, and I didn't want to see their condescending and disapproving eyes. I kept my eyes on the book but I wasn't reading; I couldn't keep my mind straight.

"You're not even reading…" Reid said quietly.

I looked up at him, "Yes I am, just slowly."

"Your eyes aren't moving over the words and it normally only takes you about two minutes a page, sometimes less when you're really interested."

I dropped the book down to land on my chest, "Why do you even know how long it takes me to read a page?"

"Because I get bored on the plane when we're on our back to Quantico."

"Find a hobby," I picked my book up and looked at the page again. I closed my eyes and sighed before glancing back at Reid, "Sorry." He only nodded.

Minutes of silence past before Garcia pushed my book down slowly and looked at me, "Can I ask you something?"

I sighed, "It's not like I can say no." I looked at her and waited for her to continue.

"Why did you love him? I'm not judging you, but I'm just curious as to what he did that made you love him so much."

I looked down to my hands as I started to pick at my nails. The skin underneath was irritated and painful. "He was sweet," I shrugged my shoulders, "He was nice to me and he understood the work hours and how difficult it was. He didn't judge my decisions, past or present. I don't know, he was just a lover that went wrong. _I_ went wrong. It was all my fault."

"Yeah, see Sam is sweet and nice to me and he understands my work hours and how difficult it is for me to handle my job. He also doesn't judge me about anything and he didn't try to kill me. And it wasn't your fault, it was _his_."

"Penelope." Rossi said with warning in his voice.

She was furious with me. I wasn't sure whether it was because I left with him, because I didn't tell anyone, or because of where I was now that they all thought was a result of him. It wasn't because of him, exactly; it was because of his absence. I had no one now, and as much as this team tried to convince me, I didn't have them. They had their own lives, families, and problems to deal with. I would be too much for them.

Savannah walked in then and asked how I was feeling. I said I felt fine, like I was getting better.

I lied.

* * *

A week had passed and I was starting to eat a small amount of what I was supposed to. I couldn't stay here for another week. I could walk around now. Not extensive distances, I definitely wouldn't be able to go back to work, but I could walk around the hospital room and bathroom without assistance. I would be able to get around my apartment again. It was embarrassing in my first week here; Morgan and Savannah were the only ones in the room and I had overestimated my strength when I got up. Savannah was quick to say "I told you so" when Morgan had to catch me. Now I could do it myself.

The team had been called to a case three days ago and I had been alone since then. My mother visited once but Savannah supplied most of my company. We never used to be that good of friends before, only seeing each other out for drinks or dinner with the team, but now we were much better friends.

I sat in a seat near the window and looked out as the rain pelted down onto the plants outside. I watched raindrops slide down the window and looked at the grey clouded skies. I had been sitting here and reading my book all day. I was almost finished it now considering it was the only thing I could do here. Today had been awfully quiet and lonely. I missed my team more than I would have liked to admit. I had called Reid a few times to ask how it was going and JJ at night but after a few calls, Hotch was calling me every few hours instead to ask how _I_ was going. Last night when I asked why he kept calling me, he said that he knew that I was only calling Reid and JJ so much because I was lonely.

It was evening now. I had been eating when I was told, although I had very little each time. It made me feel too nauseous when I had any more. Savannah said that it counted as long as it was something. She had been with me for a while and we talked about casual things, but she had other patients to attend to before her shift was over. I had been sitting in silence for about an hour now, staring out that window.

"Hey." I heard JJ's voice.

I looked over my shoulder quickly and smiled, "You're back." The whole team walked in behind her.

"You've been good." Garcia smiled. She had been required to travel for the case this time around. I shrugged my shoulders and smiled at the others.

"You look better today, not so pale." Reid said.

"And not so bitter..." Morgan added

"Thanks…I think."

"How are you feeling today?" Rossi asked.

"I feel fine," I gave him a bored look, "You don't have to keep asking me, Rossi."

"One day, you're not going to feel fine."

"Don't irritate me." I rolled my eyes and looked back towards the window. JJ sat down beside me and followed my gaze.

"Are you allowed outside yet?" She asked me quietly.

I shrugged my shoulders, "Haven't asked."

"Well if it's not raining tomorrow, I'll ask Savannah." She linked her hand in mine. I gave her a questioning look. "What?"

"Why are you speaking to me like that?" I glanced down at our hands.

"Because you missed me and I know it." She smirked. I tried to think of a way to deny it but I couldn't think of anything convincing enough. I looked back out of the window without replying and crossed my legs over.

"Is Savannah working?" Morgan asked me after a while.

"I think her shift ended about ten minutes ago." I looked back at him. He nodded and said he'd be back as he left the room. The rest of the team sat down and I asked about the case. They spoke to me about it and I sat listening with my head resting on JJ's shoulder. She made me feel so much better as soon as I saw her.

* * *

" _Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend." – Bill Watterson_


	11. Chapter 11

**Prentiss**

I stood in front of my apartment door and took a deep breath. I didn't know how well I would go with adjusting back to my old life before Chris was there. My therapist expressed just how important it was that I tried to return to myself. It wouldn't be easy and it would be painful, but if I wanted to go back to work I needed to get better. The team was on another case, the first since they got back last week. They were busy so they didn't know that I was allowed to come home this afternoon.

I got my key out and unlocked the three deadbolts slowly before opened the door; Morgan had since fixed the locks. I walked inside, closed the door, and locked it behind me before looking down the familiar small entry hall. I walked up slowly and into the large open space that was my kitchen, dining, and living room. It was dusty and messy. I don't remember the last time I had actually cleaned anything; maybe the day I cleared all of Chris's things? I put my bag down on the table where I used to. I opened the drawer that I kept my holster in. I took it out and bit my lip as I looked at it for a while before putting it back.

I sighed as I stared at my apartment. I felt awkward; this wasn't me anymore. Nothing in this room belonged to me. I tapped my hands against my legs in an inconsistent rhythm as I walked towards the staircase slowly. I walked up and stood at the top of them, staring at the flooring beneath me. Flashbacks of the day that Hotch had found me here ran through my mind. I felt nauseous from the pictures replaying over. I let out a deep breath and brushed my hair behind my ears. I continued to my bedroom and saw the mess in there.

"This sucks." I said quietly to myself. I walked over to the TV and crouched down to the safe below it. I entered the four-digit code and opened it to see my gun; JJ had brought it back for me. I pulled out the several large envelopes that contained files from underneath the gun. I sat on the end of my bed and opened the top one. While I wasn't allowed back to the bureau yet, I could look back into these cases and see if I could find anything knew. I usually looked at them twice a month, once at the start and once at the end just in case I noticed something new that would help solve the cases that had since turned cold. There were other cases in the safe too, but the others were solved; they were the ones that involved our team closely.

I slipped the file back in, closed the envelope, and put the pile on the table below the TV that sat on top of the safe. I put my gun back and closed and locked the safe back up. I took the envelopes and walked downstairs with them. I dropped them onto the dining table and looked around again. I needed to start to clean this place up. I would change the sheets, blankets, and pillow cases on my bed, I would clean the room up, tidy up the ensuite, and then I would come downstairs and clear out everything. I needed new things for the new life I would have to live.

" _It's important that you try to be who you were before Chris came into your life."_ The words of my therapist ran through my head. I wouldn't be able to do that; everything here reminded me of him. I took another breath and grabbed my phone from my bag on the table by the staircase across the room. I called JJ and waited for her to pick up, "Hey Em, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Do you have an estimate on when you guys will be back?"

"Uh, if I estimate off the average time we usually spend on cases that are similar to this one, I'd say within the next two days." Reid spoke, so I was on speaker.

"Why?" JJ asked.

"Because I need to shop and I need you and Pen to shop with me."

"…Shop? You're in the hospital." Rossi said.

"Uh…no, I am currently standing in the middle of my living room. It is _so_ Chris-like that I am contemplating a whole new apartment."

"So you want to furniture and décor shop, not clothes and shoe shop?" JJ asked.

"Oh, well no one said no to clothes and shoes too. I need a new blouse; my second favourite has blood all over it."

"…You miss us and that is why you're asking right now." I could hear the smirk in her voice.

"Shut up."

"Wait…Savannah let you out? Why?" Morgan asked.

I raised my eyebrows, forgetting that he couldn't see me, "What do you mean _why_? I'm better now."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that." He said.

"Kill myself." I said quietly to myself with a sigh.

"Prentiss." Hotch said in a scolding tone.

"Sorry, sorry. It's a habit. I'm not going to kill myself."

"You're supposed to be living with one of us for a while, though," Reid said, "You need to go to Garcia's."

"I'm fine, Reid."

"No, Savannah said you needed one of us around to make sure you're eating regularly."

"No she—"

"Hey Derek." I heard Savannah's voice through another phone. He had her on speaker.

"Hey babe, did you discharge Prentiss?"

"Yeah I did. She made great progress and I didn't really have a reason to keep her here."

"But what if she doesn't eat right?"

"Derek, you need to trust her more now than ever. She'll be okay. I'm going over after my shifts to check up on her until you guys get back."

"Yeah Derek, you need to trust me." I said matter-of-factly.

"You just sounded like a sassy ten-year-old child." He shot back.

"Ouch. Do you remember the good old days when we were partners in the field and you never doubted me?" I smirked to myself. He ignored me and I listened silently as Savannah and the team discussed the situation; the situation being me. Eventually, they decided that they would trust me on my own for now but Hotch and Jack would either pick me up or stay at my apartment once the case was wrapped up and the team was back. I didn't argue like I wanted to; I knew that my input on the matter meant virtually nothing to them at the moment. JJ promised to take me shopping the next time that she, Garcia, and I were all free.

Once I hung up, I went upstairs to start cleaning my bed and bedroom.

* * *

I sat on the couch with my legs up and my new book sitting against them. I had been reading it slowly for a short while but I got distracted and now I was sitting motionless, looking at the wall across the room and thinking about whatever came to mind; mostly Chris and what I would do with myself now.

I heard a knock on the door and I didn't register it for a few seconds before I heard Jack's voice talking to who I assumed would be Hotch. I came back to reality and put my book on the table as I stood up. I smoothed my shirt and jeans out as I walked to the door and unhooked the chain and turned the locks. "Hey." I said to them. I smiled at Jack when I looked at him and he hugged me briefly.

"Here or my place?" Hotch asked.

I sighed, "I appreciate your concern but I'm okay, Hotch. You don't need to keep an eye on me."

He kept his eyes on mine, "I do want to believe that but Savannah, the team, and I all agreed that we wanted to make sure you continue to improve and don't relapse. I'm the one to take on the responsibility because JJ has Henry and she's still having trouble with Will, Reid and Garcia's places are too small for someone like you to stay, Morgan figured you wouldn't take well to staying in the same place as Savannah the whole time, and Rossi said that you wouldn't accept having to stay with him because you'd be convinced that he'd lecture you too much and watch over you unnecessarily all the time. He did then proceed to say that he probably would do those things…"

I shook my head, "And you have Jack and your job is much more stressful than the others."

"Here or my place?" He asked again.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't mind either way."

"Here!" Jack said excitedly as he ran in.

I smiled as I watched him run past me with a bag on his back and looked back to Hotch, "I guess we're staying here."

He flashed one of those rare little smirks that I always seemed to love seeing for some reason and he walked in when I stepped to the side. I closed and locked the door behind him before following him up the entry hall and towards the open downstairs.

"You cleaned up," he said once he looked around, "and you cleaned out decorations and small pieces of furniture..."

I nodded, "I said that I wanted new furniture. I'm selling it all."

"Do you remember what your therapist said?"

"That it was important that I tried to be who I was before Chris came into my life? Yeah, I thought about it but I'd rather just start over."

He nodded, "If you think that is what's best for you."

I smiled and looked over at Jack, "Have you eaten?" The question was still directed to Hotch.

"Jack, did you eat at Aunt Jessica's?"

He shook his head but kept his eyes on the book in front of him. I think it was a workbook; he was probably doing homework. I walked to the kitchen and Hotch followed me. He sat on one of the stools at the counter island as I looked through the fridge. "What do you guys want?"

"I'm not hungry, but thank you. Jack will eat whatever you give him."

I looked at my former boss pointedly, "I don't feel hungry either but I'll bet you're going to make me eat."

"You need to eat." He nodded.

"If I have to eat, you have to eat." I looked at his eyes and held mine there to show that I wasn't going to argue about it.

He sighed and stood up, "Fine, but I'm cooking," He walked around the counter and into the kitchen and took things out of the fridge, "…You're a terrible cook." He added quietly and fought the smirk growing on his lips.

I snickered, "Right, because you're _so_ much better." He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. I smiled and titled my head. He laughed quietly to himself and shook his head as he looked back down to the ingredients in front of him. I sat down on the stool that he was previously on and looked at my phone after the message tone sounded.

"Who's that?"

"Garcia," I replied quietly. I read her message. _"Shopping tomorrow for whatever you need? Girls outing or team outing? The guys would go to anything right now if it meant seeing you."_

I tapped my fingers on the counter a few times as I thought about it before texting back _"Sounds good, pick you up at 11? Girls or team, I don't mind either way."_

" _I'll text the others now, and I'll be waiting."_ Her finishing message was completed with a smiling emoticon and a love heart.

Hotch's phone buzzed within minutes and he looked at the message before looking at me. "What kind of shopping, exactly?"

"Well we'll go with the intent on furniture and decorative shopping but we will probably end up passing a store where one of us sees a piece of clothing that we want so we go in and then we end up clothes and shoe shopping as well. It happens every time."

He nodded as he typed back to Garcia. After a few seconds, he put his phone back down and returned to cooking. It felt weird, watching someone else cook for me. I always had to cook for Chris; I had never eaten anything prepared by him. Minutes past before I spoke again, "Are you sure you don't want me to do anything?"

He glanced at me, "Chris always made you cook, didn't he?" I nodded my response and looked around to avoid looking at him. "…Why'd you leave with him?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "I love him, he loved me."

He shook his head, "Emily, he didn't. No one treats a loved one like he treated you."

I looked down, "I'd rather not talk about him."

Hotch looked at me for a few seconds, probably debating whether to keep speaking about it or not. He decided against it and nodded as he turned back to the food. I unlocked my phone and scrolled through the texts I had exchanged with Chris in what seemed like a lifetime ago. I locked it quickly when I saw Jack out the corner of my eye. He climbed up onto the stool beside me and put his book and pen down, "Do you know how to do this?"

I looked at the mathematical equations in his book. It was algebra; I wasn't great at it but I could do it. "Yeah." I sat forwards and started explaining the next equation to him that he didn't know how to do. After I helped him with that one, he asked for help with the following ones too. I felt Hotch's eyes on me but I ignored it as I helped his son. After about five minutes, I glanced up and saw him still watching us; he was smiling.

"What?" I asked him.

He looked at me from his son and shook his head, "Nothing."

I kept my questioning eyes on his for a few more seconds before I let them fall back to the book of Jack's work. I helped him until Hotch told him to pack up for dinner and then I poured Jack a glass of juice and got a beer for Hotch and I. They were lucky that I had gone shopping yesterday

Hotch insisted on cleaning up after we ate and he let Jack watch TV for a while before he'd have to get ready for bed.

After a few hours, Jack was in the spare room upstairs and Hotch and I were having another beer each in the living room. We talked for a while, maybe another hour, and then I decided that I'd go to bed. I was exhausted; I was allowed out of the hospital but that didn't mean that I was better. I didn't know if I would ever be better; the chances didn't look so great right now.

Hotch went to the spare room where his son was already asleep. I lay down in bed and stared into the darkness of my room until I was able to fall asleep.

* * *

 _"The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love." - Orlando A. Battista_


	12. Chapter 12

**Prentiss**

"Okay, I've changed my mind. I'm moving." I said as I looked at a large painting I loved. The team was nearby, looking at different things. All six were here and so were Savannah, Will, and Henry; I think the guys were all bored but JJ, Savannah, Garcia, and I were enjoying ourselves. Jack left this morning to a friend's house for the weekend.

"Why? I thought you liked your apartment." Garcia said from beside Morgan. I don't know where Savannah had gone but I couldn't see her around.

"I used to…but I want this and I don't know where I'd put it in my current apartment." I said as I motioned to the painting that I was still contemplating buying.

JJ walked to my side and looked at it, "You could put it on the wall your dining table is against? Oh wait, you're putting the other one there, aren't you?" She was referring to the other canvas painting that I bought in the previous store. I nodded in confirmation and she nodded too, "Then you're going to have to get a whole new apartment just to accommodate the large painting you like that you could probably buy in a smaller size anyway." She continued sarcastically.

"It could go above your bed?" Hotch suggested.

"…Why do you know what would fit over her bed?" Rossi raised his eyebrows.

I looked at my former boss and decided to tease, "Oh no, they know about us now."

"What!?" Garcia asked in a surprised voice. She almost sounded excited.

I laughed, "Joking, Pen."

"Oh my god, I thought you were actually sleeping together. It would be great if you were."

"I'd rather not." I shook my head at her and walked away from the painting. Savannah walked back over to Morgan quickly carrying a white bowl that held small stones glued together and fake succulents stuck in it.

"We're getting this."

"Hey, we're shopping for Prentiss here, not you."

Her smile fell into a straight line, "We're getting the damn succulents and you're paying."

Morgan rolled his eyes, "More clutter, yay."

"You're never home anyway; it's not like you have to see it more than once a week." She said as she turned and walked away in the direction she had returned from.

JJ and Garcia laughed quietly and JJ pushed me slowly to make me keep walking. I walked around the whole shopping mall with my team. After about three hours, I had ended up buying more clothes than I had decoration and furniture. None of it would fit once I gained back the weight like Hotch had instructed I do. We decided to take a break and get lunch before we continued shopping.

It was fun overall, but there were a few times throughout the day where I looked at the team, their children, and their partners in front me and I couldn't help but feel misplaced. They were all so alike, they all got along and understood each other so well, and I was the "black sheep" of the group. I kept thinking that I should probably give them some distance from me again and give them all a chance to relax and not worry about it. I could find new friends, although meeting new people wasn't exactly something I enjoyed doing, let alone being _friends_ with new people that knew nothing of me.

Will and Reid carried JJ's bags as she shopped to accumulate more. Reid also carried a few of Garcia's and Rossi had hers too. Morgan carried Savannah's and Hotch carried mine. The first few times that I got a new bag from the next store, I would be hesitant to let Hotch carry it for me but after the first few, I just gave them straight to him.

"I feel like royalty." Garcia smiled as she looked at her bags on Rossi and Reid's arms.

"I feel like shopping online would have been easier for everyone." I said.

"But no way near as fun." Savannah smirked at Morgan.

"For four people who live their lives to help others, you'd think we'd be a little less materialistic." JJ said as she gave another bag to Will.

"We're helping the economy." Garcia shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't think it works like that." I shook my head.

"Oh! I need another one of those little beds for Sergio."

"Aw, how's he doing?" I asked her.

"He struggled for the first week or two but he has adjusted nicely."

"Doesn't he sleep with you on the bed? Why do you need a pet bed?" JJ asked her.

"Because he needs his own space, JJ. You have a child too; how do you not understand that?"

"…My child is a human. You're is a cat." She raised her eyebrows.

I laughed quietly to myself at their conversation and I caught Hotch's eyes on me. I looked back at him and mouthed "what?" silently. He shook his head as if to say nothing and looked at Garcia and JJ as they continued to debate whether Sergio counted as a child or not. Garcia won after Savannah said that it counted to settle their argument.

* * *

We called it a day around 4:30 and I went back to my apartment with Hotch. He refused to let me drive there and he wouldn't let me bring any of the bags inside myself. I unlocked the door and he followed me in. I locked the door and put my bag down where I always did. I looked around the room and couldn't see him, "Where'd you go?" I called out.

"Upstairs," He called back. I walked up the staircase and heard the movement of bags in my room. I walked in as he placed the last bag on my bed and turned around, "Any idea on what you want for dinner tonight?"

I raised my eyebrows, "You're staying again?"

"I told you that I'm staying until we're sure that you're okay to be on your own again. You haven't been out of hospital long."

I looked down and contemplated arguing or assuring him that I was okay or would be fine on my own. I decided against it. I nodded, "Okay."

"So, any idea of what you want?" He asked again.

I shook my head, "Whatever you want."

"Why can women never make a decision?" He shook his head as he teased and walked past me.

"Oh, are you serious?" I laughed as I followed him downstairs.

"I don't think I've ever met a female who has answered a question with an answer instead of something along the lines of "it's up to you". JJ maybe, but I don't doubt that she says the same thing to Will when he asks."

I smiled, "Well if it happens every time then why do you continue to ask?"

"Because maybe I'll get lucky one day and someone will actually answer me." He smirked. I laughed at that and sat down on the couch. He sat beside me and looked at me.

"…What?"

"What was wrong today?"

"What do you mean?" I asked. He had noticed my mood changes today.

"A few times today you would drop back from the team for a while and you looked like something was bothering you. You were distracted at lunch."

I looked down as I took a quiet breath, "I don't belong with them anymore." A few seconds past before Hotch stood up and walked to the kitchen. I watched him as he grabbed two glasses and a bottle of wine. I gave him a questioning look as he walked back and put the glasses on the table in front of us. He opened the bottle and poured two glasses before holding one out to me. "It's five in the evening."

He shrugged his shoulders, "Evening; when it's after twelve, it's acceptable." I smiled and took the glass from him. I sipped the wine and watched the liquid swish slightly as I moved the glass around in my hands. Just when I thought he wasn't going to mention it, Hotch spoke again, "So what makes you think that you no longer belong with our team?"

"Your team." I corrected.

"Our team, Prentiss. Your job is waiting for you when you're ready to take it back."

I closed my eyes and shook my head, "I shouldn't take it back. I don't belong there anymore, Hotch. I'm not like any of you anymore. You all get along so well and understand each other and I'm just…there." I shrugged my shoulders.

He shook his head, "You only think that you don't fit in with us anymore because you don't feel like yourself. You're _not_ yourself, but you will be again one day and we'll be waiting for that day to come."

"…Do you think it's a bad idea to go to Morocco?"

"Yes, I do," He nodded, "But if you think that going there will help you move on, then you should go. If you think you can move on without going, then I would recommend that."

I pulled my feet up, my knees to my chest, and sighed, "I don't know what to do."

"If you decide to go to Morocco, please take someone with you?"

"So you can be _two_ agents down? No, I'll be fine on my own if I go."

"Prentiss—"

"Why don't you trust me?" I cut him off, "I'm telling you Hotch, I'm okay. I understand that I need to eat regularly and that I need to let go of Chris. I know that what he did to me was wrong and I know that I broke your hearts when I left, but things have been done and things will continue to be done that I won't be able to change."

"Knowing these things is different to acting on them," He kept his voice unchanged. I sighed irritably and looked away from him. "Emily," He sat forwards and waited for me to look at him again, "It isn't going to get better overnight. It's going to be a long journey and it's going to be hard but the whole team is here to support you and we'll do whatever it takes to help you."

I nodded and glanced at him, "Thanks."

He nodded and I changed the subject away from me. We talked and he made me laugh until we finished our first glasses of wine. He started to prepare dinner for us as we drank our second and we had our third during dinner. After cleaning up, I wasn't tired enough to go to sleep so I decided to watch a movie instead. He stayed up with me, not wanting to leave me alone after I had been drinking.

* * *

"Prentiss!" I woke to Hotch shaking me urgently, "Get up, quickly." I heard him walk away from the bed quickly and my closet door opened a second later. I took a few seconds to wake up before I looked at the alarm clock on my nightstand.

"It's two in the morning," I complained as I sat up and looked at him, "What are you doing?" The air seemed thin around me.

"Packing your clothes. Get up and get changed." He threw an outfit at me.

"Why? What's going on?"

"Fire. Get up!" He raised his voice at me so I'd listen.

I gave him a questioning look and I glanced to the open door of my bedroom. I could see a glowing orange light, that of a fire. I woke up properly then, "Oh my god!" I jumped up and got changed quickly, not caring whether Hotch saw me or not.

He threw a jacket at me, "It's cold outside. Let's go."

I slid the jacket on and looked around my room, "In a second, I have to get something."

"Prentiss, you know that I would let you do what you need to if you had time but that fire is growing by the second so let's go." I glanced at the safe as he grabbed my arm and pulled me out quickly. I had looked at those files a lot over the past few days and I thought I had a significant lead on one of the most recent cases that had been deemed inactive. I hadn't had a chance to show Hotch and now I would lose all the work I had done in every single one of those cases.

I ran down the staircase with him quickly; it wasn't like I had a choice by the way he was pulling on my wrist. I winced a few times, it was the one that I had recently harmed again. The team didn't know, I worse sleeves and jackets. "Ow, Hotch, loosen the grip there." His hand loosened slightly but not enough. He stopped when the fire picked up in front of us, the flames growing by the second and spreading more. I looked around the bottom floor of my apartment and my mouth dropped open. I watched for a few seconds as my life burnt to a crisp in front of me. I coughed from the smoke inhalation.

"Any other way out of here?" Hotch asked. I looked around him and to the front door; the fire was down the small entry hall, the rug occupying the floorboard there in flames. He coughed but he tried to keep it back for my sake.

"Uhh…there's the balcony but we're several storey's up…"

"Do you have a fire extinguisher?"

"No, I got rid of it when Chris hit me with it once; knocked me out and everything." I coughed again.

"…Okay, we're going to run."

"What? No, it'll take a few seconds to unlock the door and the flames are right against it. The handle will be hot."

"Well what do you propose we do?" The flames were spreading fast and it was getting extremely hot. There was a small bang as the fire spread to yet another area and something small blew up from the heat. I put my arms up to cover my head, Hotch did the same.

"The two apartments below me are one storey and then it's the ground floor one. Come on." I walked quickly to the opposite direction of the front door. I bypassed several small flames and jumped over one. Hotch followed close behind me. I opened the balcony door and hissed in pain as the heat of the handle burnt my hand, "Motherfucker." I shook my hand out as it stung and walked out onto the balcony. I looked over the edge and saw the other balcony of the apartment below me. It wasn't extremely far down, but it wasn't an easy jump.

"You sure you want to do this?" Hotch looked at me.

"Do we have another choice?"

"Press is here." He pointed out. I saw several news vans parked up the road and they were probably standing out the front of the building. I heard sirens a few seconds later and saw firetrucks approaching the building. There were three police cars following them and two black SUV's behind.

"And your team." I said quietly as I looked back over the edge of the balcony. I looked behind me as I heard another loud bang and the flames grew more.

"Well, who first?" He looked at me.

I shook my head, "No, I can't jump down there. I'll probably break my legs or something."

"You're stronger now."

"Not strong enough."

He looked down again before he threw my bag over the edge. It fell four storeys and hit the ground with a thud. I saw movement out the corner of my eye from the front of the building and looked over as seven people walked around this side of the building quickly. It was the team, Will, and Savannah. JJ grabbed the bag and they looked up at us, all with worry written over their faces.

I looked behind us again, "We definitely don't have another choice now." There was no visible area of my apartment that _wasn't_ up in flames.

"Okay, well…" Hotch climbed onto the railing and I watched as he dropped down to hold onto the bottom of my railing and then dropped onto the balcony below us. I looked over the edge at him and took a deep breath to calm myself down. He looked in the apartment and then looked back to me, "The whole place is on fire. Come on." He motioned for me to jump down.

I glanced at the team and then back to him before shaking my head, "Can't."

"Prentiss, come on. That fire is growing by the second." There was another, much larger bang then and the flames were even bigger when I looked behind me. Tears stung my eyes as I watched my life start to collapse before my eyes.

"Emily, jump!" I heard JJ yell out to me. She had her hands cupped over her mouth in worry.

I groaned to myself and shook my head as I climbed over the rail and sat on it for a few seconds, "This is a bad idea." I leant forwards and looked down at Hotch. He motioned for me to hurry up. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm myself down again. Open heights weren't exactly my thing. I decided that I'd rather do this than either burn to death or have to be carried out by a fireman. I turned myself around and did the same thing that Hotch had. I held my breath and closed my eyes again at the last minute when I let go. I dropped and I felt Hotch's arms catch me, my feet hitting the ground a second later. I let out a breath and looked at him.

"Not as bad as you thought, huh?"

I rolled my eyes and looked into the apartment we stood from. It had the same level of flames as mine did. What the hell had happened here? I looked back as Hotch let go of me and walked to the railing of this balcony. He did the same as he did from mine and then he stood and waited for me to follow. At least we weren't as high this time, and I followed him like I had done previously. He caught me the same. We jumped down to the next before we jumped to the ground.

* * *

" _Good friends help you to find important things when you have lost them...your smile, your hope, and your courage." – Doe Zantamata_


	13. Chapter 13

**Prentiss**

The team had made me go to one of the ambulances that had arrived outside the building once Hotch caught me on the ground. They tried to make him get looked over too but he refused and no one was going to force him into it. I was easier to force. They made me hold one of those oxygen masks to my face despite my constant reassurances that I hadn't breathed in as much smoke as they thought. I didn't know where my former team was right now and I didn't know if they'd come at all so I finally gave into the tears welling in my eyes and I felt them roll down my cheeks slowly. Just when I thought it would be unknown to them, Hotch appeared from the side of the ambulance I was sitting in the back of. The rest of them followed him. I closed my eyes and dropped my head as I wiped the tears so they wouldn't see them. It would have been obvious and my face was probably red but I tried to hide it anyway.

"Hey." JJ sat down beside me. She put her arm around me and pulled me into her, bringing a sob from my throat that I had tried to suppress. I took the mask away from my face and put it down on my other side.

After a few minutes, I took a calming breath and sat up from her, wiping the fresh tears away and keeping the others back, "I just watched everything I had left in my life burn to a crisp."

"We're still here…" Garcia said quietly.

I shook my head, "I had a huge breakthrough on a case that's been deemed cold for three months. It was a lead, a real lead. I had new places to look on another six cold cases," I took another breath to keep the tears at bay, "So much work, and it's all gone."

"How long have you been looking at those cold cases?" Morgan asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, "A while, but I only discovered the new lead one the recent one the other day. And all my new things," I dropped my head back into my hands. After a few seconds, I lifted it back up with a gasp, "My boots!" I looked at JJ, "My boots are gone! And my favourite blouse and oh my god! I got a new pair of _really_ nice heels." JJ was looking away from me but I could hear her unsuccessfully trying to keep her laugh back. "JJ! Don't laugh at me!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just…we can get you new boots and new heels and new clothes."

"…I packed your favourite blouse in the bag." Hotch said quietly.

"Okay, how do you know which blouse is her favourite?" Rossi looked at him.

"How do you not?" Reid looked at me, "It's the dark burgundy one, right?" I nodded in response and he smiled at Rossi proudly.

I shook my head, "Everything else I can deal with but the cases…I could have finally given those families some closure. Well," I looked at JJ, "You could have given them some closure. I don't do families," I snickered, "No, I don't do anything because I'm not an agent anymore; I don't have a job!" I raised my voice and stood up, walking past Hotch and away from them. I ran my fingers through my hair and pushed it out of my face. My hand stung again and I looked at my palm where the burn was on my hand from when I opened my balcony door. I shook it out again to try and forget the pain or ease the hot sensation.

"Prentiss—"

"No," I cut Hotch off and turned around, "Do not tell me to calm down."

He raised his eyebrows and I felt his hand grip my wrist gently. I stared at him as he lifted my arm and I felt my sleeve push up slightly. I looked down and saw what he was looking at. I tugged my hand away and pulled the sleeve, "Don't start."

He looked away for a few seconds to calm himself down before looking at me, "You need to have that burn bandaged up." He walked back to the team without another word. I looked down and closed my eyes. I took a few seconds to breath before I walked back towards the team slowly.

"Sorry." I said quietly to them, keeping my eyes down.

"Ms Prentiss?" A fireman approached the group and stood across from me. I looked at him and waited for him to continue, "I heard you were a former FBI agent or something, so I figured you'd want to know before the other tenants. The fire was accidental, there was a minor gas leak in one of the ground floor apartments and a match was lit, it just happened to me strong enough to spread through the rest of the building."

I nodded, "Thank you."

"And unfortunately, nothing in your apartment was able to be recovered except for a safe."

My eyes widened with hope, "A safe? The safe from my bedroom safe?"

"Yes ma'am, we've brought it out for you. It's right over there." My eyes followed where he pointed and I saw it sitting on the ground.

I let out a breath, "Thank you." I repeated before I walked quickly towards the safe. I crouched in front of it and entered the four-digit code before it unlocked. I opened it and placed my gun on top before taking the large envelopes from the bottom. I let out the breath that I had been holding in as I realised that they were intact and all the work I had done was in my hands right now.

I slipped my gun into my waistband and stood up with the files. I walked back to my team quickly, "Okay, it's all better and I'm sorry for my outburst because the files and my work are safe…and that pun was unintended." The team looked around at each other in silence as I sorted through the odd twelve envelopes in my hands and separated the solves cases, those of which where my team members had been victimised, and the unsolved ones that I had been working on.

"…That's a lot of unsolved files to be focusing on all at once." JJ said.

"No, these ones are solved," I said as I put them down behind me on the step of the ambulance, "These are the cold ones," I said as I put them down beside the others, "And this is the one with the lead." I opened the final envelope I was holding and took the file out of it. I flicked through the loose pieces in it that were filled with my writing and theories to make sure that it was all there and that there wasn't anything that wasn't relevant before I held the file out to Hotch.

He stared at me for a few seconds before taking it slowly, "You shouldn't have these."

I raised my eyebrows, "Are you really going to take them off me?"

He kept his eyes on mine for a few more seconds before he looked down at the file and opened it. He looked back at me quickly after seeing photos of victims and reading the names, "This is the guy that almost killed Rossi and I…"

I looked away from his eyes, "It is."

"And he threatened JJ."

"He did." I nodded. I stood in silence with the team as Hotch read over the file and my additions to it. Minutes past before he closed the file and held it back out to me.

"Why were you working so hard on this?"

"…Because the case is inactive and that guy is still out there."

"And it's not because he threatened JJ and tried to kill Rossi and I?"

I looked away again, "…No…" It was so obviously a lie.

"Prentiss—"

"Why I'm looking at it doesn't matter. What matters is that I potentially found a way to find him."

Hotch looked at Rossi, "Prentiss, I can't do anything about it with what you've found. You're not an agent at current. You shouldn't have any of these."

"Then say one of you found it. Morgan; not Reid because he would have found it earlier if he was looking into it, and not JJ, Rossi, or you because it'd probably be considered bias or something."

Hotch gave me an unsure look before nodding, "Let Dave look it over and if he thinks that the lead will be successful, we'll consider it further."

I nodded and gave the file to Rossi. I took the other files and stacked them back up. I looked back towards my apartment building; the fire was going down gradually. I lifted the bag that Hotch had packed for me and walked away from the team.

"Hey, where are you going?" Garcia asked.

I turned and walked a few steps backwards as I replied, "To get a drink." The team all looked around at each other before they followed me.

* * *

"Emily, we haven't seen you here in a while." The bartender greeted me as I walked to the bar. I sat down and my team followed, sitting down at my sides.

"…I've been away."

"How often do you come here?" Garcia asked as she looked around. I doubted anyone of the team had come here before; it was too alternative for them.

"Too often. FBI agents don't fit in with the lowlifes around here." The bartender smirked at me.

"Well…I'm not an agent anymore so hit me with your strongest drink."

He smiled, "And your friends?"

Morgan spoke for them, he knew them better than I did these days, "Five beers, three martinis."

"And tonight is all on the house." He winked at me.

"Thanks James." I smiled.

He made our drinks quickly and I sat picking at my nails as I listened around me. Morgan, Garcia, and Reid were laughing and arguing over something stupid. JJ, Will, and Savannah were talking about something I hadn't paid enough attention to to understand, and Hotch and Rossi were discussing me, my mental state, and my lost belongings. I ran one of my fingers around the outside of the stacks of files as I drank slowly. Once I heard the words 'depression' and 'PTSD', I skulled the remaining three quarters of my drink left. James approached after watching, "Tough night?"

"Tough month." I said quietly. He took my glass and refilled it.

"One more after this one and I'll change you to a lighter drink or you won't even be able to walk home."

I snickered, "I don't have a home. It burned down oh…" I looked at my watch, "about an hour ago."

"Well do you have anywhere else to go?"

"Nope." I shook my head and drank half the glass that he just placed in front of me. When I put it back down, I felt a warm hand brush over mine as it slid the glass away from me. When I looked up, Hotch was looking at me.

"Slow down."

I rolled my eyes and looked down at my burnt hand that I never got bandaged. It was stinging and I resisted the urge to try and shake the pain away because I knew that Hotch and Rossi were still looking at me. "Ah, so you were inside when your place burnt down? I'll grab a bandage." James said. He walked through a door behind the bar and it fell closed behind him.

"Emily!" I heard a drunken man say from behind me. His voice was familiar but I probably wouldn't remember his name. I didn't turn around, I just looked at Hotch and took my drink back from him.

"Hey girl, what are you doing back here?" Another guy asked. His voice was more familiar.

I looked over my shoulder, "What does it _look_ like I'm doing here?" I turned back and I heard footsteps approach me. He put his around my shoulder and kissed my cheek. It lit a fire of anger inside of me. "Get off me." I said quietly. The team went silent and Hotch sat up straighter and turned towards the man standing beside me, ready to push him away if he didn't listen to me.

"Oh, come on princess—"

I stood quickly and twisted his arm backwards before pushing him away from me, "Do not call me that." I only allowed Morgan to call me "princess" and sometimes I even contemplated correcting him.

"Oh, Em, you're not as intimidating as you think." He smirked.

"What about the men behind me?" I raised my eyebrows. I saw the five of them stand up a step behind me and smirked as he backed off slowly.

"Alright, chill out. I'm going." He lifted his hands as he walked backwards. He turned and went back to a table across the bar where people waited whom I assumed where his friends. I turned back around and sat back down. I drank back the rest of my drink.

"…Okay, you come here way too often." JJ said.

"That doesn't happen a lot; they're normally scared of me. They don't get many women here."

"Sorry, took me a while to find. Give me your hand." James said as he walked back out to the bar and stood across from me. I didn't move so he reached over and pulled my wrist. I winced and sat silently with my hand out as he bandaged it. I avoided the eyes of the team; they'd all seen me wince.

After another of the strongest drinks, he gave me a weak gin and tonic. I made a disgusted face when I sipped it, "Yuck, I hate gin."

"It's too strong if you can taste is overwhelming." He said.

"Well, I'll keep drinking then."

"You're an alcoholic." I shrugged my shoulders and drank it again. A while past as the team finished their third drinks and I finished my second gin and tonic. I was a bit drunk from the previous, stronger drinks, but I could still walk.

"Alright, get up." Hotch said as he and the team stood. I looked at him before looking back down to my nails as I picked at them. "You're staying at my place and we're going now so come on, up."

"I am not staying at your place." I shook my head.

"Then where are you planning on going? Because from where I'm standing, you have nowhere else but a park bench and you might have changed slightly over the past month but you certainly never have been and you still aren't a girl that settles for anything short of a bed."

"…I've slept on my couch before."

He rolled his eyes, "Get up."

I groaned as he grabbed my right hand, the unharmed one, and pulled me up. He grabbed the files for me. I looked over my shoulder as he pulled me towards the exit, "Thanks James!"

"See you 'round." He replied. I walked out of the bar with Hotch, the team a few steps in front of us. Once we were outside, we stopped beside the team. They were organising who would go in which SUV for the quickest drop off. They had been working hard all week so it probably wasn't their best idea to come out with me for a few drinks. They didn't come out _with_ me, they came out _for_ me.

I looked at Hotch, "I would really rather not put you out. I'll go to a hotel."

"Prentiss." He turned and looked at me, his voice aggravated. I flinched and took a half step back as I instinctively closed my eyes. I realised what had happened as soon as it did and I let out my signature sigh.

He was staring at me with guilty eyes, the team was looking at me too. I looked down and closed my eyes, "I'm sorry."

"I'll wait in the car." He said quickly as he walked away with my files. I went to apologise or say…anything to him before he got further away but no words came out. I shook my head and looked down, closing my eyes again. I ran my hand through my hair and then looked up at Reid at my side.

He smiled apologetically and put an arm around me. He pulled me into him and I found comfort in the warmth he emitted in the cold early morning. "He knows you're not scared of him." He assured quietly.

I watched him as he crossed the road and unlocked the front SUV. He got behind the wheel and the door closed.

"He's angry." I said quietly.

"He's…concerned." Rossi said.

I looked at my father figure on Reid's other side, "He doesn't trust me anymore."

"It won't be for forever; just until you're back on the right path." JJ nodded.

"Okay, let's go. I'm cold." Garcia said as she started walking towards the SUVs. The others followed and Reid walked slowly behind them with me. Once we reached the first car, he opened the passenger door for me and I thanked him. I avoided Hotch's eyes as I stepped into the vehicle and I kept my eyes down as Reid shut the door and got in the back with JJ and Will.

A few seconds past before Hotch spoke, "Seatbelt." I apologised quietly and pulled it around me before clipping it in place.

* * *

" _Feels like an empty space, you don't enjoy the taste. I just need a place to hide, somewhere to make you right." – Kodaline, Autopilot._


	14. Chapter 14

**Prentiss**

When we arrived at Hotch's house, he led me straight to the spare room and said a blunt good night before closing the door and going to his own room. I had dropped my bag in the corner and changed into something comfier to sleep in before I lay in the bed. I must have cried for two hours before I fell asleep.

When I woke, I had only gotten three hours sleep and it was nine in the morning. I had a headache, probably a hangover; I didn't have a very high alcohol tolerance at the moment with my current weight. I had lain in bed for about ten minutes before I got up and decided that I needed to shower; I probably smelt like smoke. I had a very fast shower, got changed, and brushed my hair out before I took a deep breath and walked out of the bedroom. The house was silent except for my quiet footsteps as I descended the stairs. I walked around the staircase and to the archway to the kitchen. I stood against the frame and looked at Hotch, a pen in his hand, a small stack of files to his left and a coffee mug to his right. A few seconds past before he glanced up, "Coffee's fresh."

I bit my lip before letting out a breath and walking into the kitchen. I poured a cup and hesitated. I closed my eyes and took a silent deep breath to calm myself down before walking to the dining table slowly. I sat down across from him and put the mug down quietly. "…Hotch?"

"Hm?" He hummed quietly.

"Can you please look at me?" My voice was quiet. He waited a few seconds before he sighed quietly and put his pen down. He looked up at me and waited for me to continue. It took a few seconds for me to speak, "I…I didn't mean to flinch." I shook my head.

"I know you didn't."

"But you're still angry with me."

He shook his head, "I'm not angry with you at all. I _was_ angry with myself. I was just taken back a bit when I realised that you're subconsciously scared of me."

"I'm not." I shook my head as I denied it.

"You are," he disagreed, "But I understand why you are and I know that it isn't your fault. I'm hoping that you'll get used to me again within a few nights here."

"…You want me to stay here?"

"You have nowhere else to go."

"But Jack…and your life outside of work…"

"Will both survive. I'm not going to send you out onto the streets, Prentiss, even if you beg me to." He picked his pen back up and looked back down to the file to signal the conversation was over and could no longer be argued about.

I sipped the coffee in my hands, "I'm not scared of you…" I denied again quietly.

"You have a therapist appointment booked for tomorrow at nine a.m." I was going to argue against that too but the way he said it was so demanding, I didn't want to upset him again. "And do not go back to the bar ever again. You're classier than that…" He added quietly.

I smiled and looked down, "They're my friends."

He looked up and stared at me, "It's dangerous and I don't want you going back there."

I stared back at him for a few seconds, his eyes bored into mine as a challenge, "You're not responsible for me…" I shook my head. It didn't sound rude or argumentative at all; my voice was reassuring.

"I am until you're okay."

"I am okay."

"You flinched."

"Hotch." I dropped my head to the side and guilt filled me.

He lifted a hand, "I am going to make sure that you recover completely, return to work, and return to the Emily you used to be."

"The 'Emily' I used to be?" I questioned.

"Before Chris; the level-headed, strong, determined girl that you used to be."

I shook my head, "The Emily that you all remember doesn't exist anymore. She is _long_ gone. She was gone the moment she walked out of the FBI precinct after leaving six letters of lies on the desks of the only people she had left. Well, the only people she had left that cared."

"She's still in there." He nodded. I watched him as he looked back down and continued writing on the file paperwork. The way his eyes scanned the words, the way the pen moved in his hand, the way his lips stayed pressed in a line as he concentrated, it all made me smile. He had so much faith in me and I didn't know if I would ever be able to reach the standard he was setting.

I sipped the coffee again and looked around, "Where are my files that you took last night?"

"The table near the staircase." He said nonchalantly. I nodded and thanked him with a small smile on my face.

* * *

I spent the day on Hotch's couch. He had noticed how tired I looked and I gave into telling him that I only got a few hours' sleep. He told me to get some rest and I wasn't planning on listening, but I ended up falling asleep on the couch after a few hours of reading. "Prentiss." I woke to Hotch's soft voice. I felt his hand on my arm, shaking me slightly to wake me up. I woke unwillingly and looked at him. He smiled, "You need to get up. Dinner."

"What? It's like two."

"No, you fell asleep at two. Now it's six and Jack is nagging me to wake you up so you can eat with him."

"Okay." I nodded. He stood up from the crouch in front of me and walked into the kitchen. I lay for a few minutes to wake up properly before I forced myself up and looked around. I walked to the dining and kitchen where Hotch was putting three plates down.

"Please tell me I did not fall asleep in your living room and you did not put a blanket over me instead of waking me up."

"You did and I did." He nodded.

I groaned, "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologise," He assured, "Jack!" He motioned for me to sit so I walked forwards and dropped down in the seat he had beckoned me to.

I heard Jack run downstairs and around towards the room. He came in and sat down at the table, "Hi Emily." He smiled.

"Hey buddy." I replied. I tried to smile but I was too tired to put much effort in. Hotch sat down and he and Jack started eating. I held the fork and moved the pasta around slowly.

After a short while, Hotch said my name three times before he got my attention, "Eat." I wasn't hungry at all; I felt nauseous before I even sat down. If I ate, I might just throw it back up. I obeyed anyway, not wanting to argue with him in front of Jack. I ate slowly as Jack spoke non-stop about the night he spent at his friend's house. I tried to listen and smile when he looked at me but all I could think about was how sick I felt.

Eventually, I ate enough for Hotch's liking and I insisted on cleaning up. We compromised and agreed that I'd clean tonight and he would tomorrow night. Jack sat at the dining table and kept talking to us while I cleaned and Hotch put the already cleaned dishes back where they belonged in his kitchen. He put a pot of coffee on after a while and Jack went upstairs to get ready for bed. I told Hotch I'd be back and I went up to the small ensuite bathroom off the bedroom I was sleeping in. I started the water in the sink and kneeled before the toilet. I hadn't done this any other time except when I was drunk and felt the need to throw up. Now I was doing it to get the food out of my stomach. It was still to make myself feel better so it was okay, right? It only took me a few minutes of gagging before I finally got myself to throw up. After I was sure the food was out, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands. I brushed my teeth quickly and rinsed my mouth out a few times before going back downstairs.

Hotch was sitting at the dining table with two coffee mugs. One in front of him and one across the table. I assumed he wanted me to sit there; I was certain Jack didn't drink coffee. I sat down across from him slowly and anxiety filled me. Did he hear me? Did he know what I was doing up there? I raised my eyebrows when he looked at me.

"How are you feeling today?"

"…I'm fine."

"You're always "fine". How are you really?"

"What makes you think that I'm not fine?" I questioned. He would have come straight out with it if he knew. I was safe.

"You were extremely distracted this evening. You didn't talk all day before you fell asleep. You didn't sleep last night."

"I was tired this evening, I wasn't awake. I didn't talk because you were busy and I was reading, and I didn't sleep last night because...I just couldn't."

"Yeah, I heard you crying." He called me out.

I took a breath and looked down as I bit my lip, "I was drunk."

"It wasn't that and we both know it."

I shrugged my shoulders, "Fine. I thought you were furious with me and I thought that your team would be—"

"You say "your team" like you're not one of us."

"Hotch, not tonight," I shook my head, "I'm tired and I don't feel well."

"Well, don't forget that you're coming into the office with me in the morning." He said before he drank his coffee.

I sighed, "What time?"

He raised his eyebrows, "I was expecting an argument…we'll leave at eight."

"Can't I come later at the actual time of my appointment?"

"No, you can come at eight."

"Okay." I drank back the rest of the coffee and stood up. I washed the mug quickly and walked back to the table. I sat back down and looked at my phone. The message tone had sounded before but I forgot to check it. I opened JJ's text.

" _Let me know when you're feeling up for another night out. Need a girls' night ASAP. Call me when you can."_

I called her contact and held the phone to my ear. Hotch gave me a questioning look. "JJ." I said quietly. He nodded before looking back down to the file he had moved in front of him. His life was full of paperwork.

"Hey." JJ answered.

"Are you okay?" I asked quietly. Hotch glanced up at me but kept writing, not wanting to pry into our conversation.

I heard her take an unsteady breath, "How are you?"

"Don't answer my question with a question. What's wrong?"

"Another argument. We were on the same page for a few weeks but then last night we argued when we got home and I had to call Reid to pick Henry up for the day because it just wouldn't stop and he left again."

"Okay, backtrack here. Did you just say that _Reid_ took Henry for the _whole_ day?"

"…Yeah."

"Oh my god, are they alive?"

"Emily."

"Sorry. What were you arguing about?"

She sighed, "Everything." I heard her sniff and I knew she was crying now.

"Okay, I'm on my way."

"No, no you don't have to come here."

"JJ." I rolled my eyes.

"Okay, thank you."

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Where's Henry?" I stood up from the dining table and I caught Hotch's eyes on me.

"Asleep."

"Okay."

"Thanks." She hung up and I slipped my phone into my pocket.

"Is everything okay?" Hotch asked.

"Uh…yeah, just Will again. I don't know how upset she is but I promise that if I stay there, I will be at the office for the appointment."

"Eight-thirty at the latest." He called after me as I walked towards the front door.

"Will do." I said as I grabbed my coat and my keys. Morgan had brought my car over this morning; he, Reid, and Rossi looked through my apartment to see if there as anything left. There wasn't.

* * *

" _Being there for a friend is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Another one is allowing them to be there for you, too." – Doe Zantamata._


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys! I know I haven't been updating as often as I usually do and I'm really sorry; I have been trying my best. I have exams next week, and after that ,all I will have is some laid back school work and my (new!) job.**

 **Thank you to those who have been submitting feedback to me, I really appreciate it. How are the rest of you feeling about this? Let me know :)**

 **-A xx**

* * *

 **Prentiss**

JJ and I were up very late last night. She was in tears and I was holding her. We woke late, around nine, and I was in for a long day. Will had come in the morning and prepared Henry for school without waking us. We got ready quicker than ever and I made us both a coffee in a travel mug before we left.

We walked through the glass doors and the rest of the team were standing around the desks. I hated seeing my old desk empty with no one sitting at it. I wish I was sitting at it. Rossi said something and Hotch turned around. His eyes met mine and he was furious. "You promised me." He said coldly once we reached them.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry." I stopped before Hotch and JJ continued to her desk.

"I can't trust you again until you prove to me that I can, Prentiss." He started lecturing me then and the team stood in silence, listening awkwardly.

"Oh, for god's sakes, give her a break, Hotch," JJ snapped after a while, "She's a human being, not your pet that you can command to do whatever you want her to. It's my fault she was late, now let it go."

"JJ." I hushed, shaking my head.

"My office." He said to me quietly.

I groaned, "Throwback to when I was fourteen." I said as I walked past him and to his office.

"Can't you just be content with the fact that she's back and she's trying?" I heard JJ ask harshly. I looked over my shoulder and saw her walking away from them; she wasn't herself today, but she had always had a side to her that could snap at any moment. Garcia looked like she was panicking inside, Reid was very clearly feeling overly uncomfortable, Rossi and Morgan looked torn.

I sat down in his office and waited a few minutes before I heard the door close behind me. Rossi said beside me and Hotch sat behind his desk. I spoke before either of them could, "I'm not Jack, Hotch."

"You promised me."

"And you know how rarely I break promises. JJ needed me, I went to help her, and I'm sorry that we slept in but it was a rough night and we both could have used the extra hour anyway."

"I rescheduled to tomorrow morning at eight."

"Why are you _so_ eager for me to talk to the therapist?"

"Because you need to."

"I don't—no, I'm not going to argue with you again."

"Good. Tomorrow at eight. Go home."

I sighed as I stood and glanced at Rossi, "You're in here because?" I questioned.

"I didn't want things getting out of hand. I was playing the mediator role."

I nodded, "Right. Well, I'll see you later." I kissed his cheek and then walked out of Hotch's office.

"Hey, stop." Garcia called me when I past the desks. I stopped and took a few steps back. I smiled. "Is everything okay?"

"With Hotch? Yeah, it's fine."

She nodded, "Good. What about Jayje?"

I sighed and looked towards the glass doors where she had disappeared before, "I don't know. Do you know where she went?"

"No, sorry. Rossi didn't let me follow her; said she needed time to cool off."

I nodded, "I'll handle it."

"Hey," She stopped me again before I walked away, "Give yourself some room to breathe there. You seem a little tense."

I smiled, "See you later Penelope."

"Bye." She said quietly. I walked away and started to look for JJ. I found her in the east bathrooms.

* * *

I had talked to JJ again and assured her that Hotch was justified in what he was saying, although she completely disagreed. I wasn't so sure he was either but I said it anyway. Once I calmed her down, she went to apologise to Hotch before starting work and I left the precinct. I drove slowly to Hotch's place and used the key he had given me Sunday morning. He would have to trust me anyway; he was at the office all day. I went upstairs and showered. I weighed myself and hated how much I was putting back on already. I was going to go downstairs and watch a movie or read my book or something but I grabbed my keys and credit card instead and left the house again. Fortunately for me, Hotch had thought to grab my bag during the fire so I still had my licence and cards.

I took the long drive to Williamsburg mall. I went inside and bought new workout clothes and runners. I bought three new blouses, a new pair of boots, and I ended up getting my nails done too. I couldn't help myself. I got coffin shaped burgundy matte coloured nails, longer than I used to get; you never wanted extremely long nails in our line of work.

On my drive back to Hotch's, I checked the time and decided to make another stop; Jack was still at school for another two hours. I pulled up outside of the bar that I used to frequent. Hotch had said he didn't want me coming back, but it sounded possessive to me. I knew that he was just trying to keep my safe, especially now, but I did like the bar. Even when he was possessive, something inside of me loved the attention. I hated that I loved it.

"Back again? You going to start coming in more again?" James asked as I approached the bar and sat down in front of him.

"Depends on how much time I get to myself. I am never bringing my friends back, that's for sure."

"The guy that told you to slow down, he a boyfriend?"

"Oh god no, he is a former boss and a current shelter supplier."

"He seemed sort of controlling."

"He's just protective." I smiled.

"Well, what can I get you?"

"Just a beer please." I smiled.

"Not as bad of a day today, huh?"

"Oh, it's bad, but I'll survive."

"Life's pretty rough on you lately."

I shrugged my shoulders, "It's really my own fault. Thanks." He gave me the beer and I paid him for it. I drank it slowly and decided against having more than one. I said goodbye to James and left the bar, ignoring the eyes of the more intimidating bunch in there right now.

I went back to Hotch's and took all my things inside. I took it all upstairs to the spare room where my limited number of things were and I got changed into the workout clothes. I took the house key and my phone and left again. I wasn't sure on where I was going, I just picked a direction and ran. I would only run for a little while anyway.

My phone started to ring as I ran back towards Hotch's house. I slowed to a walk as I reached the path to his place and I answered the call, "Prentiss."

"Hey, how are you?" Hotch asked.

"I'm great." I got the key out and unlocked the door.

I heard him take a hesitant sigh, "Look, I'm sorry for how demanding I'm being."

I smiled, "No, it's okay. You're just worried."

"I want you to get better."

"I will." I said quietly.

"…Is that a promise?" I knew he would be smirking.

I snickered, "I promise that I will get better." I didn't forget to cross my fingers; it didn't count if your fingers were crossed, right? Because I couldn't break another promise to him and I didn't know if I'd get better. I could do almost everything the team was asking of me, but I didn't think that I could put all the weight back on. I already hated myself enough for gaining a whole of…what? Three pounds? It was nothing, yet it was everything.

"And you don't break promises." He said quietly.

"I try my hardest not to."

"Well I have to get back to paperwork. Call if you need anything; I'll see you tonight."

"Thanks for checking up on me. See you tonight." I hung up and looked at his contact for a few seconds as I let the front door fall closed behind me. I locked it and looked around at the small foyer. It was a strangely satisfying feeling to know that someone would be returning to you at night after work. The fact that it was Hotch returning to me sent me mixed feelings. I didn't know what was going on in my head but it needed to stop.

* * *

I got through the week safely with no more disagreements with Hotch. JJ called and told me that Rossi talked to him and told him to take it easier on me; I'd have to thank him for that. I was happier when I knew that Hotch was happier. I went to the therapist appointment on Tuesday, I was there earlier than Hotch even told me to be. I sat in his office and annoyed him until it was time for the appointment.

I had texted JJ last night and now I was spending my Saturday night with JJ, Garcia, and Savannah. She was part of our girl power team now. Hotch asked where we'd be going and I didn't hesitate to tell him which bar. He told me to have fun and to please stay safe. The way he said it as I walked out of the house, it made my heart flutter. I hated that it did and I tried to suppress the feeling as soon as I felt it. I didn't say anything to JJ about it as she drove me to the bar.

I shouted our first drinks and we listened and laughed to Garcia's stories about her recent dates with Sam that we hadn't heard about until tonight. Savannah took great pleasure in finally getting to talk about the things that bugged her about Morgan; things she could never say to him.

"Come on, JJ. What's going on there?" Garcia asked for what felt like the hundredth time. She and Savannah were determined to get answers.

JJ sighed, "I think we've called it quits for good. It just isn't going to work anymore." She shook her head.

"Why's that?" Savannah asked.

"I'm just not around enough anymore. It isn't fair on him, it isn't fair on Henry, and I'm just so over all the arguments every single time we come back from a case and he complains about how little he sees me. He used to claim that he understood and he loved what I did in our line of work but lately, it's just the same old "it's not enough, JJ. I'm going to bed" and it kills me every time. We've both agreed that we'll take some time apart."

"What about Henry?"

"Well, we're always away on cases so Will has him when we're away and I have him when we're not. If we happen to have another week like this one where we don't have a case, then it'll work around Will's shifts. It sucks, but I guess I'll pull through."

"I'm sorry Jayje, but hey, look on the bright side. You're single now, you can sleep with whoever you want." Garcia smirked. She laughed at that.

"And you can always call me to come over; I love having the opportunity to get out of Hotch's house." I nodded.

"Yeah, well someone tell me something to cheer me up." She said as she drank the remainder of her beer.

"I'll get next drinks, no one say anything that I'll want to hear while I'm gone." Savannah stood up with her purse and walked to the bar quickly.

I shifted in my seat and felt JJ and Garcia's eyes on me. "...What?"

"I feel like you have something that you're not telling us." JJ said with a questioning look in her eyes.

I bit my lip, "Wait for Savannah to come back."

"Oh, it's important. Oh my god, is it exciting or heartbreaking?" Garcia asked.

I pursed my lips momentarily, "A bit of both; it depends on your opinion on it I guess. I am struggling with it." Savannah came back then with four beers and placed them in front of us. We thanked her and I bit my lip again as I felt their eyes on me again.

"Spill, what is it?" JJ asked.

I took a breath, "I need help…"

"It's serious? Is it bad serious?" Garcia was concerned now.

I cleared my throat, "Something is happening and it shouldn't be and I am freaking out."

"Spit it out." Savannah encouraged.

I closed my eyes, "I think that I'm…I think I'm starting to get pretty strong feelings for…" I hesitated, "Hotch."

"Oh!" The three of them exclaimed at the same time. "That is…wow." A large smirk played on JJ's lips.

"Yeah, wow." Garcia nodded with a huge grin.

"I don't know what you two are thinking but I think you and Hotch would be adorable together." Savannah said.

I shook my head, "He was my boss. If I ever come back to the BAU, he'll be my boss again. It can't be genuine, right? I mean, it has got to be just because he's supporting me and I see him more than anyone else. It can't be serious."

"But honey, Derek, Reid, and Rossi are all supporting you too and you're not in love with them." Garcia smiled.

"Wow, slow down there; who said anything about _love_? I don't love, I feel for a while and then it goes away and I move on."

"Chris?" JJ asked hesitantly.

"…That was different."

"Okay, I say give it another week and if nothing lessens, go for it." Savannah said.

I laughed to myself, "How would I even approach that if the time were to come?"

"Well, we can always hint at it for you and then _he_ will ask _you_ …" JJ smirked.

"Oh dear god no." I shook my head and the four of us laughed. I let them talk about it for a while longer before I changed the subject. It was a fun night, but I couldn't help but feel like something was missing. When I silently questioned myself on what could be missing, my mind kept going to Hotch, but I ignored that. I couldn't do that.

* * *

" _I have a crush on your mind. I fell for your personality. Your looks are just a bonus." – The Notebook._


	16. Chapter 16

**Prentiss**

Monday rolled around fast, and then Tuesday, and the rest of the week. The team had a case from Monday to Thursday, and I had to repeat the whole stick the fingers down the throat to get that food out of your system thing on Thursday night when Hotch was home and made sure I ate. He still didn't know that I was doing it every time I ate. So far, I hadn't gained any significant amounts of weight and I gave the credit to that fast-developing habit.

The feelings inside of me for him didn't lessen, if anything they got stronger, but I fought to ignore them. He had a date tonight and I was not going to ruin that for him. I was looking after Jack for the evening. "Is Friday night going to be your new date night?" I smirked at him as I teased. I ignored the pain in my chest.

He rolled his eyes and looked at me, "Does my tie look straight to you?"

I stood up and walked over to him, straightening it for him. I smiled, "It is now. You look great; please go to a hotel or her place because I don't think Jack will like hearing anything and I don't think she'd like coming here and seeing me."

He rolled his eyes again, "I've never even met her; Dave set this whole thing up."

"Oh…" I pressed my lips together.

"…What?"

"Rossi knows a large array of…different women...so good luck."

He sighed, "He's set me up with a psychotic one, hasn't he?"

"Maybe, maybe not. Guess you'll have to go and determine that for yourself."

He looked at his watch, "I've got to go. Please don't kill my son."

I smiled, "Never."

"Bye Jack!" He called into the dining room where Jack was doing his homework.

"Have fun dad!" Jack called back.

I walked Hotch to the foyer and door, him in his nice suit and tie, I in my sweatpants and oversized hoodie. "Have fun. If she's insane, text me and I might have come down with some serious illness. You'll have to take me to the emergency room if it's a _really_ bad date."

"Thank you." He opened the door. I smiled and watched him walk to his car. I closed the front door and locked it. I walked back to the living room and sat down again, pulling my legs up and curling myself into the likes of a ball. I found JJ's contact and called her.

"Hey Em." She picked up. I heard Henry in the background.

"He is currently on his way to his date." I spoke quietly and glanced behind me to make sure Jack wasn't there.

"…Hotch?"

"Yeah."

"And you don't happen to be with him, do you?"

"Nope. Apparently Rossi set him up with a friend, so it'll either go extremely well or extremely badly."

"And you didn't have the guts to say anything before he told you about the date." She concluded.

"No, and I am currently looking after Jack for him because what else are friends for?"

"Are you upset?"

I sighed, "I'm not upset, but I'm not happy either."

"Do you want Henry and I to come over for a while?"

"If you guys want to; you don't have to, I'll be okay here."

"Ask Jack."

I stood up and walked to the dining room, "Hey Jack, JJ and Henry were thinking about coming here for dinner. Do you want them to come?"

"Yeah!" He said enthusiastically. He loved JJ and he loved playing with Henry.

I smiled, "Okay," I walked back to the living room, "He is excited."

"Alright, we'll be over soon. I hope Hotch doesn't mind."

"He'll get over it. He _is_ keeping me prisoner here."

She laughed, "Okay, see you soon."

"Bye." I hung up and put my phone down. I walked back to the dining and kitchen and I looked through the kitchen for something I could cook for four people. Pasta always catered for ten, so that was the best option. "What do you think? Creamy mushroom and pancetta pasta for dinner?"

"Sounds good." Jack was so easy to please; he never had preferences, it was always whatever you wanted. I made sure I had all the ingredients I would need and then I looked at Jack again.

"How was your day?"

"It was good." He didn't look up at me like he normally did when he spoke.

I bit my lip and walked to the dining table slowly. I sat down across from him. "Jack, are you okay?"

He looked up and looked at me for a few seconds before he put his pen down and sat back, "I don't like when dad meets new girls."

"Why's that?"

"Because I don't want him to forget about my mum."

"Oh Jack, he's never going to forget about her, okay? She was a huge part of his life and she is your mother. Even if he wanted to, it'd be impossible for him to forget about her. He loves her, Jack, and he will love her forever. But it's good for him to meet new people; your mum would want that."

"I'd rather he just spent time with you or JJ or Penelope."

I smiled, "Jack, your dad is always going to meet new people, even if he doesn't plan on it. Just remember that he will never stop loving you or Haley."

"He doesn't talk about her anymore. Mum, I mean."

"He will." I nodded.

* * *

I cooked and ate dinner with JJ, Jack, and Henry. We made jokes and laughed until after dinner when the boys were busy and JJ and I had the chance to talk. It was around nine-thirty when the boys walked in. JJ was talking about getting Henry home to bed before, but Jack had a different idea. "Hey Emily, can Henry and JJ stay tonight? Henry can sleep in my room and JJ can sleep in yours."

"Well that is up to JJ." I said as I looked at my friend. She smiled and nodded, accepting Jack's offer. The two of them expressed how happy that made them before running back out of the room, "Bed soon, Jack!"

"Fifteen more minutes?" He asked from the dining room.

I smiled, "Ten, and then it's off to bed." He accepted that and I heard their laughter resume. I looked back at JJ and dropped my head to rest against the back of the couch, "He hasn't texted me so I guess it's going well."

She smiled apologetically, "I'm sorry Em."

"No, we're really not meant for each other. Could you imagine the arguments?"

We talked for a while longer before we got up and took the boys to bed. They went willingly and then I took the opportunity to get five minutes. I went to the ensuite bathroom and forced myself to throw the pasta back up. It was a dreadful taste, but that was better than the weight. After I was sure it was all out of my stomach, I washed my hands and brushed my teeth quickly. I went back downstairs and found JJ on the couch. I sat down beside her and we talked for a while longer, both avoiding the topic of our boy troubles, and the front door opened at around ten o'clock. I heard him sigh and lock the door before he walked into the living room. He didn't look overly surprised to see JJ. He walked over and sat down on the couch.

"So I'm assuming it went well; I didn't receive a text." I forced a smile to him.

"There was no time to text. That was the worst date I have ever been on." He looked over at JJ and I.

"Do tell." JJ sat back with a smirk.

He stood up, "Wine." He walked to the dining room and I looked at JJ and bit my lip. He came back a second later with three wine glasses and a bottle. He filled the glasses and held two out. I took both and passed one to JJ.

He drank back his glass and then refilled it. I fought to keep my smirk hidden, "That bad, huh?"

"I am almost certain Dave did that just to mess with me."

"So she was crazy then?" JJ tried to hide her smirk too.

He started telling us about the date and it didn't sound like he enjoyed even a minute of it. I sipped at the wine, although I probably wouldn't drink the whole thing. I loved alcohol, but I had been drinking a bit much lately and it would be piling onto my weight. When Hotch left the room momentarily, I turned to JJ, "Give me your glass."

"…Why?" She asked as she held the glass out to me. I poured the rest of mine into hers and gave it back. She gave me a questioning look, "Okay…" I put my glass down on the table and Hotch came back a second later. JJ's phone had been receiving several messages throughout the night. My attention was brought to them the most as Hotch recounted his night. She ignored every single text. When she stood to go to the bathroom, I picked her phone up from the table.

"What are you doing?" Hotch asked.

"She's been getting messages all night but she isn't checking them." I expected it to be Will, but I was surprised to see Garcia's name instead. "It's Garcia…" I said quietly. I heard the door open so I put her phone back and sat up.

She walked back in and sat down beside me. I took her wine and sipped it before she realised that Hotch and I were looking at her. "…What?"

"Why are you ignoring Garcia?" I asked her.

"You looked at my phone?" She raised her eyebrows.

"I did. Why are you ignoring Garcia?"

She sat back, "Because we're…disagreeing at the moment."

"You're fighting." I kept asking questions to try and get her to tell me why they were fighting. All she said was that it was over something stupid and they'd work it out before Monday so it didn't matter. I gave up on trying to pry after a while and sat with Hotch and JJ until they finished their wine. We went to bed after that; they were tired after their week of work and I was tired after my week of nothing. All I did was run, read, and then run again.

* * *

I woke up on Saturday morning with JJ still asleep at my side. I lay for a while in silence before I got up and had a shower. I got changed and brushed my hair out before going downstairs. I knew Hotch would be up already; Jack and Henry probably would be too. Henry ran up to me when I walked into the dining room and I lifted him up with a big smile when he reached me, "Hey buddy."

"Good morning Emily." Jack smiled.

"Good morning." I ruffled his hair as I walked passed. I smiled at Hotch as I passed him too. I went into the dining room and poured myself a cup of coffee as Henry spoke to me quietly. I put him down once he stopped talking, "Hey boys, go into the living room for a second, okay?"

Henry ran into the next room and Jack followed him. I sat down at the table across from Hotch and he looked at me with concerned eyes, "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, everything is fine, but Jack talked to me last night…has he ever said anything to you about new women?"

Hotch's eyes grew questioning now, "No…"

"Well, he told me that he doesn't like when you meet new women because he thinks that you're going to forget about Haley. He doesn't want you to forget about her and he said that you never talk about her anymore?"

"I've started discussing her less with him as he grows up; I figure the less he knows, the less it'll affect him."

"Well he thinks that you're forgetting, so I think you should start talking about her more. Tell him stories, tell him how you met, even just tell him that you miss her."

He nodded, "Thanks Emily." I nodded and looked down at my coffee. I wanted to say something about it now but there was no way I had the balls to. Part of me thought it'd be a big positive life changer, but another part of me thought that there was no way in the world he would feel anything for me and I didn't want to ruin our friendship with something that would probably go away eventually. I hoped it would go away soon because I didn't know if I could keep staying here if it continued.

* * *

" _It is hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does." – Unknown._


	17. Chapter 17

**Prentiss**

Another two weeks had passed; the team didn't have a case today and I was told to be in Hotch's office at four at the latest for an unknown reason. I had to bring Jack with me; I wasn't leaving him at home alone. We went in around three-thirty and Jack and I sat with the subordinates of the team for a while. The four of them were happy to see me and three of the four were in extremely good moods. JJ, not so much. Garcia told me that she hadn't been for weeks; not since Will had left.

"Prentiss." I looked up to Hotch. He stood at the open door of this office and motioned for me to go up.

I looked at Jack, "You stay here until I get back, okay?" He nodded with a smile and I stood up. I smiled at Garcia and walked up the few steps to Hotch's office. I felt the eyes of the team on my back as I walked in. He closed the door behind me and I looked at Rossi and my therapist waiting. I turned and looked at Hotch behind me, "…What's this about?"

"Sit." Rossi said. I looked at him and glanced at the therapist before walking to the empty seat across from Hotch's desk. Hotch walked around the desk but he didn't sit down, he stood behind it with his arms crossed over his chest. Rossi was sitting on the side of this desk and my therapist was sitting in the seat beside me.

I felt something bad coming. My shoulders slumped, "What?"

The three of them all looked at each other before my therapist took a breath, "Emily, don't get me wrong, you're doing great…"

I raised my eyebrows, "But?"

"But I don't see you getting much further without…additional help. I don't mean other therapists, I mean help from outside this general line of assistance."

"So what you're saying is that you can't do the job that you're being paid for?"

Her posture told me that she was offended but she kept herself calm and her voice soft, "That is not what I'm saying."

"It's what it sounds like you're saying…" I nodded.

"Emily…" Rossi warned. I looked at him with an obvious expression and he shook his head. I sighed and shook my head, looking at the ground between me and Hotch's desk.

"Where do you propose we get her this help?" Hotch asked.

She glanced at me before looking back to Hotch and Rossi, "I would suggest maybe a week or two at a…clinic…"

I looked at her again quickly, "A "clinic"? I'm not insane."

She ignored me and kept her eyes on the men in front of us, "I recommend Medstar Washington Hospital Center. They're great with their inpatients and it's close to you and your team."

"I'm not going." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Emily—"

"No!" I cut Hotch off and glared at him. He looked back at me with hard eyes. He was on her side and he was going to fight me on this. "Are you seriously on _her_ side in this?"

"I told you that I was going to do what it takes to help you."

"This won't help me at all; if anything, it'll drive me to insanity."

"It's a week, two at the most." Rossi said.

I looked at him, "You're on her side too? Really Rossi?"

"If it means you getting better…"

"No," I shook my head and stood up, "Bye." I said as I walked to the door. I opened it and walked out quickly, shaking my head as Hotch and Rossi both called me back. "Jack, let's go. Come on."

"Can I say bye to dad?" He asked as he stood from the desk chair that used to belong to me.

"You'll see him tonight." I said as I grabbed my bag and kept walking towards the glass doors. I heard Jack say goodbye to the team and run to catch up to me.

"Emily!" Hotch called to me from his office door. He sounded angry. I ignored him and opened the glass door for Jack to walk through. I followed him through and we waited for the elevator doors to open; I hoped Hotch or Rossi wouldn't come before the doors opened. They didn't, thankfully.

I drove Jack home and made him something to eat while he did his homework. Afterwards, I sat down and watched a movie with him at his request. I kept my eye on the time and I had packed my things back into my bag earlier; I had it sitting in the corner of the foyer behind the door. I watched only half the movie when I heard Hotch's car pull up.

"Hey Jack, sorry that we only got this far into the movie but I've got to go home now." I said as I stood up.

"That's okay. Are you coming back?"

"Uh…no, I think I'm going to stay at home," My non-existent home. Smart Emily. "But I'll still see you."

"You promise?" He looked up at me.

I smiled and was saved by the sound of Hotch opening the front door. Jack looked back to the TV and I kissed his hair before walked to the foyer. Hotch closed the door and took his jacket off. He looked at me and watched as I walked behind the door and grabbed my bag. "Thanks for letting me stay here for a while," I said quietly, "He ate when we got back from the precinct but he hasn't had dinner because he didn't feel hungry."

"Emily—"

"I needed you on my side," I cut him off, "That was one of the rare times where I actually _needed_ you to be on my side and you weren't."

"It's for your health."

I groaned, "Why does no one believe me!? I'm fine!"

"Please stay and let me talk to you about it?"

I sighed and shook my head before opening the door. I walked out and down the path towards my car. I threw my bag into the passenger seat and sat in front of the wheel for a few seconds before closing my eyes and turning the ignition on. I knew Hotch was watching me and I didn't want to see the guilt in his eyes. They were trying to help me and I was shutting them down before they could finish a single sentence. I felt bad, but I didn't want to go to a mental institution and I didn't need to; they should have just let it be when I said.

* * *

I ended up at JJ's door. She seemed relieved to have someone there to keep her company once Henry went to bed. I originally told her that Hotch wanted me out and she offered for me to stay with her from now on. I accepted her offer and sat with her while she spoke about all the stresses in her life at the moment. I listened gladly, thankful to keep my mind off my own. After an hour or two, she asked why I was really here.

"I told you when I got here; Hotch wanted me out."

"That's not like Hotch at all," She shook her head, "So why don't you swallow that secrecy and tell me what's really going on?" She had just sat back down with me on the couch with two coffees.

"I _really_ don't want to talk about it."

"Is it because you still have feelings for him and you're trying to ignore them? Or about whatever was going on in his office today?"

I sighed and looked down, "My therapist told him and Rossi that she wanted me to go to Medstar Washington Hospital Clinic. She thinks that I need "additional help" which is code for "I'm getting paid for a job I can't do" and instead of taking my side, the two of them took hers," I shook my head, "And what sucks even more is that if Hotch or Rossi keep pushing, I know that I'm going to give in and I'm going to feel like a prisoner."

She looked down and a short while of silence past before she spoke again, "Well how long do they want you to go for?"

"A week or two, but for all I know they could keep stretching it out and I'll never be free again."

She sat back with a sad sigh, "This sucks. Why do our lives suck?" I shook my head to say that I don't know. "You should go get changed, do your hair real nice, and go get laid."

I laughed, "I wish."

"Do it; go find a hot guy and go to his place and leave before he wakes up and never call. I'll last another night by myself."

I bit my lip, "Should I?"

I saw her eyes light with excitement, "Yes! Come on, you can borrow that dress of mine that you love."

I gasped as my eyes widened, "The blue one with lace that you never let me borrow before?"

"The very one." She nodded with a smile as we walked down the hall towards her room. I looked at the dress and paired it with a pair of her nice black heels and a black clutch. I showered, blow dried my hair, and did my makeup. JJ curled my hair over my shoulders and put an excess of hair spray in. I got into the dress and she zipped it up at my back. We were drinking wine and I finished my second glass as I slipped the heels on and put the things I needed in the clutch. I was wearing one of my more expensive necklaces and earrings.

I saw her get her phone out after a while and she pointed the camera towards me, "Hey Em, spin for Pen and Savvy." We called Savannah 'Savvy' sometimes; a rather relevant nickname we thought of in our not so sober state on a girl's night out once that had stuck. I stepped away from the dresser and spun around. The dress flared out from my thighs and fell back against them nicely after I spun the 360. I smiled at the camera and waved quickly. "What are you doing tonight?"

"Getting dick." I replied with a smirk as I turned back around. I almost fell and I caught myself on the dresser. I crouched down as JJ and I both laughed, my hand still on it to keep me steady. "I've only had two glasses!"

"You're tipsy, you're smoking hot, you're dick-deprived, and you're emotionally vulnerable. I think you're ready."

I heard a horn sound outside, "…And my cab's here. Wish me luck."

"Good luck." She smirked and followed me through the house and to the door. I walked outside and she videoed me down the steps before she stopped the video. "Bye!" She called. I waved as I got into the cab and told the driver which bar I wanted to go to.

* * *

I walked through the glass doors of the precinct onto the sixth floor. It was afternoon, I had a huge hangover and I couldn't remember a thing. I couldn't remember anything after showering at JJ's. I looked terrible, like I hadn't slept in two weeks. I'm surprised they let me in without a drug test. The brightness of the lights hurt my eyes and everything spun. I put my hand onto the desk closest to me to steady myself and looked down before clenching my eyes closed. "JJ!" I called.

"Oh my god…." I heard Garcia say in a very concerned voice.

"Em, are you okay?" I felt one of her hands on my arm and another on my back, "Come sit." I walked where she led and she made me sit down. I put my hand to my forehead and groaned.

"Pen, can you please get her some water?"

"Sure thing."

"Wow princess, last night was fun, huh? Not "dick deprived" anymore?" He laughed.

I opened my eyes and looked at him, "What did you just say to me?"

"…yeah, the video I took last night? I was supposed to just send it to our group chat on messenger with Garcia and Savannah…but I accidently sent it to the team one instead. They all saw it…"

I saw Hotch and Rossi both walk down the steps quickly, both looking extremely worried. I ignored it and closed my eyes, shaking my head, "What video?"

"Here, drink." Garcia said. I looked at her and took the glass of water with a quiet thanks.

"Are you still drunk?" Reid asked.

I shook my head, "What does it feel like when you've been roofied?" Reid answered it quickly and listed symptoms of the aftermath.

"You were roofied?" JJ raised her eyebrows.

I gave her an obvious look and held my arms up to shoulder height, palms up, "I don't know, JJ. I don't remember anything past my shower at your place."

She sighed and shook her head, "I shouldn't have encouraged you to go out alone."

"I was, however, successful in my reasoning for going out."

"Sore?" Garcia asked.

"More than you could imagine."

"…Where did you wake up?" Rossi asked.

"In some side alley in DC."

"Get up." Hotch said.

"No, my head hurts. You don't need to yell at me right now."

"Emily, get up. I'm taking you to the hospital. It's called a date- _rape_ drug for a reason."

"…I wasn't raped." I shook my head.

"How would you know? You don't remember anything." Rossi said.

"Because I went out solely to get laid; I would have given consent. I'm angry with the two of you; why am I talking to you."

Hotch sighed irritably and grabbed my wrist to pull me up. I hissed in pain and pulled my arm away once I stood, "Ow!"

He raised his eyebrows and grabbed my hand before pulling the sleeve of my jacket up. I tried to free my hand from his but he was stronger. I pulled the sleeve back down as soon as he lifted it and he dropped my hand, "You're going to Medstar. JJ, Garcia, take her to get a rape kit done."

"I am not going to Medstar."

"I'm not arguing with you, Prentiss!" He raised his voice. I put my hand over my forehead to try and stop the throbbing. "It's not a request. Go with JJ. Dave and I will call your therapist."

I watched as he walked away and Rossi followed him. I turned and looked at JJ. She shook her head and looked back at me, "He doesn't understand. Come on, let's go."

"What's Medstar?" Garcia asked.

"A mental institution." Reid replied quietly.

"A prison that will drive me to insanity." I said as I allowed JJ to pull me away gently. Garcia followed. Morgan and Reid looked at each other before following the three of us. Garcia got her phone out and gave it to me to watch the video that I didn't remember.

* * *

" _We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone." – Ronald Reagan._


	18. Chapter 18

**Prentiss**

"Why are you going, Aunt Emmy?" Henry asked me quietly. He was standing with the team, Savannah, and I outside of the Medstar Washington Hospital Center.

I crouched down to his low height, "Because Hotch and Rossi like to be difficult and they can't accept when they're wrong. But it's just two weeks; I'll see you again in no time."

When I stood back up, I saw Hotch and Rossi's disapproving expressions out the corner of my eye because of my words. "Emily—"

"No," I cut Rossi off, "I'm not talking to you." Morgan laughed quietly in surprise, shocked that I'd talk to Rossi like that. I avoided looking at either of the older men of the team in front of me. It killed me to talk to him like that, too, but I needed to be angry at anyone but myself. Garcia stepped forwards and hugged me tightly. "Jesus Pen, it's just a few weeks."

"I'm still going to miss you a lot. I feel like we only just got you back. I'm coming to visit every single time I have the chance and I'm sending you a letter every single day."

I rolled my eyes, "It's almost like I'm going to…prison." I looked to Hotch and Rossi with a fake smile before it morphed into a glare. Hotch looked away with a mix of irritation and guilt written across his face. Rossi kept his eyes on mine and shook his head. Once Garcia stepped away, I was wrapped in Reid's arms. He looked really upset. When he pulled away, I titled my head with a sympathetic smile, "Reid. A few weeks." I repeated.

"Doesn't hurt any less. I don't think you should go in yet; you were only drugged a few weeks ago."

"Ah, but no damage was done to me. Apart from the embarrassment of that video JJ sent you guys and the following day…"

" _Getting dick_." Garcia quoted with a laugh. Morgan, Savannah, Reid, and JJ laughed too. I bit my lip and looked down, shaking my head. "And that you did."

"And it was completely consensual." JJ nodded.

"Yes, thank you for the reminders of the night that I have virtually no memory of."

JJ laughed again before hugging me briefly. She said that she'd visit too. She kissed my cheek and lifted Henry up before standing back with Garcia. Savannah smiled at me before hugging me. "I feel like you're moving away or something."

"Well, maybe once I get out of this place and find that I will never forgive Hotch and Rossi."

Her eyes narrowed, "You won't move; you love us too damn much." She didn't link her hand back in Morgan's yet. He hugged me and spun me around.

"Have fun in there princess…" He smirked. He took great delight in teasing me about this, "Oh, I hope they put you on meds."

"Me too; maybe they'll get me through." I joked. He laughed at that before putting his arm around Savannah. That left Hotch and Rossi. I had already decided that I wasn't going to hug them. I glanced at them before turning slowly to walk towards the building.

"Emily," Rossi stopped me. I turned around slowly with a sigh and I tried to suppress the anger in my eyes for his sake. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head, "No you're not." I turned and walked away before he could say anything else. I hated being angry with them but I couldn't help it. They were just trying to help me out, help me get better, but I didn't want this to be only the second thing they try. It was my own fault really; everything that had happen was, but I couldn't handle anymore guilt over my faults at the moment.

* * *

A week was hell, let alone two. I was bored all the time; the only thing that kept me from clawing my own eyes out was the web calls with Garcia and sometimes the team. With permission from the nurses I was allowed to use my laptop as long as I used earphones and I was allowed to make phone calls. I called Savannah when the others were busy and she didn't have a shift. After the second week was almost up here, I was informed that the staff that had been tending to me recommended that my time here was stretched out to a month. They said I was making significant progress but they didn't want to let me back out until they were sure that I was one hundred percent. I didn't have any trouble hiding my actions after every meal here; I was allowed to eat in peace in my room and the bathroom attached was easy access. The nurses never suspected a thing.

I had four days left before the month was up and I could leave. I had a web call scheduled with the team today at 2 and I had been messaging Garcia all day before then. At 2:03, my music stopped in my ears and was replaced by the sound of a call. I accepted it immediately and waited for the call to connect. The screen welcomed six members of my former team. I was surprised Hotch and Rossi were there; they weren't in our last two group calls. "Hey!" Garcia and JJ greeted me enthusiastically at the same time.

"I'm gonna kill myself!" I joked with the same level of enthusiasm.

"Don't say that there! They'll never let you out." Reid said.

"I think they're elated to be getting rid of me. They wanted to put me on anti-depressants and anxiety meds but I refused and I am probably one of the most difficult _sane_ people here. The _in_ sane people on the other hand…wow." I was thankful to Rossi for paying extra for me to have a private room, and I would reluctantly thank him when I saw him person next.

I spoke with them for quite a while before they ran out of cases to tell me about and I didn't have any stories or news to share with them. I had avoided talking to Hotch or Rossi as much as I could, although they were rather quiet themselves. "Can the four of you please excuse us for a few minutes?" Hotch asked, looking briefly between JJ, Garcia, Morgan, and Reid.

"No, don't do this to me." I tried. They stood anyway and JJ mouthed "sorry" before she left the conference room. Garcia and Reid followed her; Morgan winked at me before leaving behind them.

I looked down at the keyboard instead of at them. I didn't want to talk to them right now. "Prentiss, you need to talk to us about this." Hotch started.

"No I don't," I shook my head and looked up, "You've made it very clear to me where I stand and which side you're on."

"Emily, this isn't like you at all. You know that we were trying to do what was best for you. We didn't want to have to send you there, but sometimes you have to do things you don't want in order to get the results you want." Rossi tried to justify their forceful actions. I knew he was right but I didn't want to believe it.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. "Like you know what's best for me." I muttered. They heard it.

"Prentiss, you can blame us and hate us all you want, but we don't regret our decision. You've improved. You're getting better." Hotch spoke again.

"You've gotten a bit snarkier towards us, but I like to think that it'll pass. Especially when you join the team again." A small smile played on Rossi's lips.

I shook my head, "I'm not coming back to the team."

"Why not?" Hotch asked. His posture straightened unintentionally.

"Because I don't belong there anymore, and I can't work with a team when two out of six don't trust me; especially when one is the unit chief and the other is the unit senior agent."

"We do trust you." Rossi sat back.

"Well you obviously don't," I raised my eyebrows, "If you trusted me, I wouldn't have had to live with Hotch for weeks, I wouldn't have had to contact the both of you at least twice a day, and I wouldn't be in here right now."

"What did you want us to do? Did you just expect us to sit around and watch you wither away without even noticing it yourself? Did you want us to watch you drink your sorrows away or wake up almost every morning in tears but force a smile every day? Because we know that is what you did; we're not stupid. Did you expect us to let you harm yourself again and just let it go? What kind of people would we be if we sat back and watched our subordinate, our friend, and a member of our family slowly kill themselves before our eyes?" Hotch burst; he was angry.

"…You knew?"

"You're not so good at hiding it."

"We asked your therapist how we could help you and she said that this was the only option. A few more days and you can put it behind you. Can you honestly tell me that you don't feel any better?" Rossi asked.

I bit my lip and looked away as I blinked the tears away. I needed to be angry. "You want to know what I feel? I feel betrayed by two of the most important people in my life. I feel guilty for not being able to be with JJ to help her out now that Will is gone and she is still a wreck or that I can't support Garcia after her recent heartbreaking split with her long-term boyfriend. I can't help Savannah with the problems in her relationship. I can't be around for Reid to lean on anymore for anything he has that he either can't tell or can't wait to tell JJ. I am furious that I can't be out in the "free" world, finding a job to pay for a new apartment and replace every belonging that I lost. I can't see Henry or Jack, I can't see Sergio. I feel so fucking alone in here. I am on my own and I am trying so hard to communicate with the others as much as I can but I can't fix every problem I have caused since I left with Chris from in here; I am anything _but_ successful. I am going insane here." I had so much more to say but I saw the guilt and pain that they tried to hide in their expressions. I felt my own guilt growing, so I stopped there. I think it was enough. A single tear dripped onto my left cheek but I refused to let any more fall.

"We're sorry." Rossi said after a few moments of silence.

"I'm so sorry to interrupt, but we just got an urgent case, sir." Garcia said from the door. Hotch glanced back a her before nodding and looking back to me.

I took a breath and kept the tears back a little bit longer, "Bye."

"I'll text you later, pumpkin. I love you."

"Love you too Pen." I ended the call and the tears fell down my cheeks as soon as the screen disconnected. I sat back in the seat and dropped my head as the tears flowed. I needed to get out of here as soon as possible.

* * *

I walked out of the "hospital" and I saw Garcia standing by her car waiting for me. I smiled as I walked to her and once I was a few metres away, I dropped my bag and she walked to me quickly. I met her halfway and we hugged for a short while before I pulled away. I sighed and looked up to the sun shining on us.

"It really did feel like a prison, didn't it?" She asked quietly.

I nodded, "I was allowed out of the building; I walked the perimeter every day, but I still felt too confined with the knowledge that I couldn't go further."

"Well I have good news and bad news."

"Bad first." I said with a sigh as I lifted my bag and threw it into the backseat of her car.

"In the car." She said as she opened her door. I walked the two steps to the passenger side and stepped in. I closed to the door and looked at her. Why did she want to wait? Maybe she thought that I wouldn't get in the car if she told me before we were moving. She turned the ignition on and pulled out of the lot.

"You're speeding." I said as I watched the speed dial move up several more miles per hour than it should have been.

"Yeah, well I don't want you to jump out."

"…What's the bad news?"

She glanced at me with guilty eyes, "You're staying with Rossi for a while.

"Oh, for fuck's sakes." I looked to my right and shook my head.

"I suggested JJ's again or mine but Hotch and Rossi both said that they would be more comfortable it you were with one of them and that it would be Rossi because of something you had said on that last web call when they were talking to you."

"Yeah, well they're on a damn good roll lately."

"Do you want the good news?"

"Please." I looked at her.

"Henry will be staying with Will for a few more nights and JJ and I will be staying at Rossi's with you. The team is flying back in today but we'll have a few hours before the get here."

"So I know that Rossi and Hotch think that I was drinking my sorrows away, but can we get drunk _before_ the two of them get back?"

"Most definitely," She nodded with a smirk, "JJ will catch up, and I'm sure that the others will be coming to see you too. We can call Savannah."

"Yes, I will call Savannah right now." I said as I got my phone out.

"Now I'm super excited." She said with a bubbly tone. My god, had I missed her.

* * *

" _Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." – Albert Einstein._

* * *

 **I have written so much dialogue and I hate that I've been doing that, so I'm really sorry about that! My exams start tomorrow so while I might not be able to update at all in the next five days, I will most likely be returning to my daily updates afterwards!**

 **Thank you for all the support I've received through follows, favourites, reviews, and PM's. Much appreciated :)**

 **-A xx**


	19. Chapter 19

**Prentiss**

Garcia had told me everything she could bare to say without crying too much in concern of her ended relationship with Sam. We had stopped at a bottle shop and bought way too much alcohol that the two of us could drink in one night. The whole team plus three could probably get drunk enough off all of this. It was a mix of a lot of the strongest alcohols we could find in the store. We split the price and I realised that there was more in my account than there should have been. I'd have to look into that later; probably tomorrow, considering the amount of alcohol I would be drinking tonight.

Garcia drove to Rossi's and we let ourselves inside with the key he had given her. Mudgie met us at the door with an excited bark. I petted between his ears briefly and closed the door behind me. I put my bag down in the corner of the living room where it would be out of the way before Rossi assigned me to a room. It would be the one closest to his and I knew it but I wouldn't put my bag up there yet.

Garcia and I both took two trips to bring in all our drinks from her car and we put the ones that required chilling away in the smaller fridge he had outside on his back patio. I mixed us our first drinks of tequila and pineapple juice and she poured out six vodka shots. We thought we'd have more time than we did; we thought an hour or two but as it turned out, we had about a half hour. Savannah would be coming when the team got back.

"Oh, this is going to be bad. You know that we're going to get in a _lot_ of trouble for this, right?"

"Don't be a pussy." She smirked as she lifted the first shot in front of her. I smirked back and lifted my first one. We clinked them together lightly before throwing them back, quickly followed by the next two.

I let out a breath afterwards and made a disgusted face as it burned down my throat, "You'd think I'd be used to that by now."

"It's been a month." She shrugged her shoulders.

"Oh my god, do you have any idea how hard it is to go a month without alcohol? I don't think I've done that since I was fifteen."

Her eyes widened, "Music."

"Oh yes, blast it girl!" I called as she ran out of the kitchen. I drank some of my tequila and pineapple juice drink and looked around the kitchen. I contemplated making Garcia eat something; she wasn't the most controllable of drunks, but if she had to eat then I would have to and I was already gaining too much weight. This alcohol would throw me way off and I'd have to run for days to get back on track. I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts. I could go a night of drinking with no negative thinking, right? I wanted to and I would.

Garcia came back and we both took our drinks to the living room where the music played too loud. Mudgie retreated to Rossi's office and we danced around the living room; laughing and enjoying ourselves as much as we could. We ignored the fact that the team would be here soon; we just kept drinking. We got drunker faster than I had thought we would and I knew that Hotch and Rossi would kill me for this. I was still angry at them; I had to be. I would be.

* * *

Garcia and I were laughing hysterically when the team came into the house. The music was louder than it had been previously and we had been looking for Garcia's phone for a solid five minutes before she realised she was using it; that's what had us laughing. I was on my back, rolling slowly and she was standing, holding herself up on the wall. The music stopped abruptly and I sat up as I stopped my laughing gradually. JJ was standing beside the speakers, her hands on her hips and looking at us disapprovingly. "Oh come on, let us have fun." Garcia said in a whining voice.

JJ raised her eyebrows, "I'm not stopping you from having fun; I'm stopping you from having any more fun without _me_. What the hell?" She smiled wide and ran to me. I put my drink down just before she crashed into me and I threw my arms around her. I fell to the ground from the force and my not so steady balance in this state and she fell with me. We both laughed for a short while before we parted and she got up. She held her hand out and pulled me up. "I'm going to get me and everyone else a drink that isn't already drunk." JJ said as she looked between Garcia and I.

"Back fridge." Garcia said to her as she walked out.

I nodded and looked at Savannah, "Savvy!" I exclaimed excitedly. She smiled wide and we hugged for a short while before I parted and hugged Morgan and Reid. I walked to Rossi, "I'm still mad at the both of you." I said before hugging him. I hugged Hotch last and he and Rossi made eye contact, clearly not happy with my state right now.

JJ came back in a short while with six drinks and gave them to the team and kept one for herself. Morgan held his drink up to toast and the rest of us followed, "To Emily's strong recovery and her return to us." I didn't fight the small smile away from my lips and I looked down after a few seconds and drank my drink after the majority of the others cheered and drank too. Rossi and Hotch were quiet but when my eyes met Rossi's briefly, he smiled proudly at me. JJ turned the music back on after that.

I looked at Garcia when the next song came on and a small smirk hung on my lips. She looked at me with wide and excited eyes before grabbing my arm and pulling me to the centre of the living room to dance with her. It was the English version of 'Bailando' by Enrique Iglesias.

"Hey, isn't this the song you used to strip to when you were a stripper?" JJ asked.

"We prefer to be called "exotic dancers", thank you."

"You were a stripper?" Savannah raised her eyebrows and smirked.

"Just out of college…yes. Hey! Maybe I'll just do that again. I'm sure it'll come back just like riding a bike. I would have to find a place that's more into older women, though."

"Oh, well I'm sure there are plenty of those places around." Garcia smiled.

"Or…you could just come back to the FBI…" Hotch said with opposing eyes.

"But stripping…I mean exotic dancing…is _so_ much more fun."

"And extremely self-deprecating…" Rossi raised his eyebrows.

I looked at him with an offended look, "I had never loved myself more than I did when I was a stripper. I loved that life. It was great, and the money wasn't too bad."

"Yeah, let's just stick with the FBI for now." Reid nodded.

"Oh! You know that thin pole out the back? Show me some moves." Garcia smirked and pulled me out of the room. JJ and Savannah ran after us and the unwilling men of the team followed.

"Please don't." Hotch said as he walked outside with Rossi at his side and Morgan and Reid a step in front of them.

"Let her live a little." Morgan smirked. He wanted to see if I could still do it.

JJ took my drink and I held one hand on the pole and looked down. I couldn't contain my laughter. Garcia and Savannah were laughing too. They encouraged me through their laughter and I took a deep breath to stop my own. I jumped up and held myself up with what looked like flawless, graceful, little effort. I kept my legs wrapped and spun myself around; normally the pole would spin to make it easier on the dancer but I had to do it myself in this situation. I spun myself upside down with no trouble and performed an inverted hip hold stag for them. I did a few more moves, a mix of simple and complex, before I spun down slowly and stood back to the ground. "That's harder to do in restricting clothing."

The three girls and Morgan clapped, Reid was looking at me with a surprised expression, and Hotch and Rossi looked unsure on what to do.

"Very nicely done." JJ praised and gave my drink back. I smiled in thanks and laughed at Reid's face. "What, you didn't know?" JJ asked him.

"Oh, it was just you and Garcia with that knowledge until tonight," I nodded, "I tend to keep it off the resume; it wasn't legal paying or anything. And it doesn't come up in conversation much."

"Okay, now let's go get drunk!" Garcia exclaimed excitedly as she turned and went back inside.

"You already are, babygirl." Morgan laughed as the rest of us followed her.

* * *

I woke up with a pounding head and a warm blanket wrapped around me. I opened my eyes lazily and looked to wall across from me first before I looked around; I was in one of Rossi's rooms. I reached for my phone on the nightstand and checked the time. It was 11:04 am and I wasn't sure what time I had gone to bed, but I still felt exhausted. I let out a breath and threw the blankets off me. I sat up and as soon as I stood upright, I had to run to the ensuite bathroom. I leant over the toilet on my knees and threw up for about five minutes. It wouldn't stop, but at least the alcohol was getting out of my system somehow. The displeasing taste in my mouth hung around as I flushed the toilet and made me feel sick again before I washed my mouth out a few times in the basin. I washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked terrible.

I walked back to the bedroom slowly and pulled the blanket off, wrapping it around me tightly. I walked to the bedroom door and opened it quietly; I heard the team talking downstairs. I walked down slowly so that I wouldn't trip down the staircase and I walked to the living room where they were. "You look like absolute shit." JJ laughed. Garcia looked worse than me.

I sat down on the ground and fell to my side, "I _feel_ like absolute shit. No regrets."

"Coffee?" Rossi asked quietly.

I looked at him with a small smile and he returned it as he stood. I watched him walk away and I felt bad for how I had been treating him. I sighed to myself irritably and pulled myself up. I went to follow him but I stopped halfway to the archway. I shook my head and dropped the blanket before running as fast as I could to the small bathroom in the hall. I heard Morgan laugh as I left in a hurry but I didn't even have time to glare before I ran out of the room.

I felt cool hands pull my hair back and tie it in a bun at the back of my head. They rubbed gentle and soothing circles on my back and I knew it was JJ but the size of her hand. "Yuck…" She said quietly after a few minutes and I sat up properly. I sat against the wall and flushed the toilet.

A few minutes of silence past as she watched me, waiting for me to either stand or throw up again, and I waited to determine whether I needed to again or not. "How mad are Rossi and Hotch?"

"With you?" She nodded with an apologetic smile, "Furious. With Garcia, disappointed that she let you drink and she drank with you despite their orders."

"Their orders?"

"They told her to pick you up, bring you here, and keep you company. You weren't to leave again, you weren't to go to sleep before they saw you, and you especially were not meant to drink."

I nodded, "They think I have a problem."

"Honey, you _do_ drink much more than the average adult of your age. Well, before we put you away for a month…and it wasn't just casual drinks, it was drink until you pass out drinks."

"I didn't do it _that_ often."

"You did." She nodded. I sighed and stood up. She watched with a small smile as I rinsed my mouth out again and drank the water from the faucet. She smiled, "But Morgan and Garcia want to treat you; reintroduce you to the club life. Morgan and the other guys weren't too thrilled to hear the term "male exotic dancers" but I assured them that there are females as well and that the night will be essentially for you. We'll go in a few weeks."

I smiled, "Pleasure Place?"

She smirked, "You know it. Maybe Mason will be dancing."

"God, I hope not. It'll turn into some Magic Mike shit." I shook my head. She laughed as we walked back down the hall and to the living room. I picked the blanket back up and wrapped it back around my thinner frame. I hoped that they wouldn't notice that I wasn't putting on as much weight as I should have been; what with all the forceful throwing up after every meal I ingested. I thanked Rossi quietly as he slid the coffee mug across the table towards me and I sipped it. I felt Hotch and Rossi's eyes on me but I kept mine on the coffee in the mug. My eyes followed the still slighting spinning swirl. I heard a knock on the door and JJ stood up. She walked out to the foyer and the living room stayed silent.

"How are you feeling?" Reid asked me quietly.

I looked up at him, "Like shit." I had said that before.

"I meant mentally."

I gave him an obvious face, "I went a month with hardly any face-to-face contact with anyone that wasn't a professional whatever they were. Not once did I get the whole "how are you feeling" question because the people there know that no matter how you're really feeling, you're going to reply with "fine" and they know you're lying to them. I am not going to answer your question because you won't believe me."

"My god, they messed you up big time, didn't they?" Morgan smirked.

"I had never wanted to die so badly." I joked with a returned smirk. He laughed, taking the joke easily. Hotch and Rossi, however, exchanged unsure glances.

"Aunt Emmy!" Henry yelled loudly as he ran to me. I opened my arms as he came to me and hugged him tightly. I kissed his hair and looked at JJ with a smile. She watched us adoringly, as did the others. "You were gone for ages."

"I know, I'm sorry, but I was sick and I needed to get better."

"What were you sick with?"

I hesitated and glanced at JJ briefly, "Nothing that you need to know about."

"Will you play with me? I brought my favourite cars."

I forced an excited look, "Yeah I will!" I made my voice sound ridiculously over enthusiastic and he jumped up eagerly. He pulled me with him and I ignored the nausea that came from the fast movement. I heard Garcia laugh quietly at the tone I had used and I sat down on the ground across the room where he had led me. I felt the eyes of the team on me as I let Henry show me the odd ten cars he had and give me four of them. He told me to pick my favourite of the four and I studied them closely and acted like I was putting a lot of thought into it. "Bugatti's are so ugly…" I said quietly as I put that one down. "Hmm…not really a fan of Rolls Royce…" I picked up the next one, "Oh, definitely the Corvette." I held up the small red car with two white stripes down its hood.

"Do you know what kind it is?"

I smiled, "Do you?" He shook his head and waited for me to tell him, "It's an 11 Corvette Grand Sport." I informed him.

"The lady knows her cars." Morgan complimented. I glanced at him and smirked.

I looked back to Henry as he picked the favourite of the six he had and started playing with it. I smiled as I watched him move it around, make it fly, make the sounds he thought it would make. He reminded me so much of Declan sometimes; it scared me when he did. He was so innocent and pure. Both had blond hair and blue eyes. My smile faltered as I thought about it and I quickly forced the memories away from my mind. I hated when they were able to creep up on me so unexpectedly. Thankfully, my phone rang and it distracted me. I stood up and answered the phone with the quick "Prentiss" that I always did.

"Ms Prentiss, this is Valerie Hynes from the FBI BAU precinct. I've been assigned to conduct a series of therapist appointments with you and I thought I'd call so we could organise your first appointment."

I thought I was supposed to keep seeing the other one; the one I had seen in the hospital and the one that had doomed me to that "clinic". "I'm sorry, did someone request a change in who I am supposed to be seeing?"

"You were previously seeing Doctor Shaw, yes?"

"Correct."

"Well she had decided that she wasn't getting enough of a response from you to help you and she and Agents Hotchner and Rossi agreed that after previous events, you wouldn't want to talk to her anymore, so Agent Hotchner requested the change."

"Agent Hotchner, huh?" I looked at Hotch and shook my head, "Yeah, okay. I'll come in whenever you want."

"Does tomorrow afternoon at two-thirty work for you?" She asked.

"Sure; I'll be there. Thank you." I hung up and glanced at Hotch again before I put my phone down. I wasn't in the mood now; I'd talk to him later. I turned back to Henry and walked back over to him.

"You're not going to argue or make a snarky remark?" Hotch raised his eyebrows.

I glanced at him, warning clear in my eyes, "Don't push it."

* * *

" _Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." – Buddha._


	20. Chapter 20

**Prentiss**

I spent a week at Rossi's. Henry was supposed to be with Will so that JJ could stay here too but Will needed to take a few extra shifts so the plans changed. Henry ended up staying for the week with JJ and Garcia here with me. Rossi realised his mistake of inviting three women to his house by the second night. The way we teased him, the way we talked about our boy problems without worrying about him listening, the way we joked and laughed about the dirtiest things. He ended up inviting the rest of the team to stay for the remaining nights that we'd be there. He called it "team bonding", but JJ, Garcia, and I called it "not being able to handle us any longer". Savannah had stayed too, making it even numbers of men and women. It wasn't unfair on anyone when we had small arguments and took the sides of male and female. Today I decided that I was interrupting Rossi's life too much being here so I argued with both him and Hotch on and off for about two hours before I convinced them to let me stay with JJ.

"We can have drinks tonight; Will is taking Henry again."

"JJ, I don't think that's the best idea." Morgan said quietly.

My lips parted in shock and I looked at Morgan, "Oh my god," I shook my head, "I am a grown woman! I can do whatever I want, when I want, and nothing I do is any of your business." I moved my eyes between Morgan, Hotch, and Rossi.

"…Emily…" Rossi said quietly.

"I am _so_ sick of the three of you telling me what to do all the time; I'm not your responsibility."

"We know that," Morgan said quietly, "All I'm saying is that you were starting to show the signs of alcoholism before you went to the mental place and we don't want that happening again…"

I groaned and dropped my head into my hands, "I'm not an alcoholic." My dragged my words out and my voice was monotone.

"JJ…" Reid said quietly, asking her to do something.

"Okay look, if it were any other time, I might listen to you guys and keep her home tonight…but Will had a chick in his car when he dropped Henry off and every time this week when I asked Henry if anyone was around, he avoided the topic…almost like Will had told him not to say anything…so I need to drink and I need to do it tonight."

"God, I hate him." I shook my head.

"Me too." Garcia nodded.

"Me three." Savannah was standing across the living room in front of a mirror, tying her hair up. She was running late for her shift. "Time?"

Morgan looked at his phone, "Quarter to nine."

"Shit." She said to herself as she pulled her coat on and grabbed her bag, phone, and keys. She grabbed the travel mug she always had and kissed Morgan quickly as she walked past, "Bye, thanks for having us Rossi!" She said as she walked quickly towards the foyer. "Show him up, Jayje!" She added as I heard the front door open.

I gasped quietly and put my hand on JJ's knee, looking between her and Garcia, "We can play 'find the guy'." It was a game we had made up and given a not so creative name.

"That's my favourite game!" Garcia said excitedly, bouncing slightly on the couch across from us.

"What is it?" Reid asked curiously.

"We go out for drinks and then we play the game where the three of us all look around in different sections of the bar and we select guys for each of us. Like, I could spot three guys that were my type, five that were Pen's, and like…twenty for Em because she'll sleep with almost anyone," She glanced at me and had to pause her explanation to laugh at my offended expression, "so all three of us do that and then we report back to each other and we pick whichever guy we prefer and if that's a bust, we move to the next section."

"Works every time." I nodded.

JJ smiled, "Yeah…but I don't know if I really want to do that tonight."

"JJ, he had a girl in the car," I reminded, "He told Henry specifically not to say anything to you about her."

"Well I saw Sam out yesterday morning at _our_ coffee shop with another, much prettier girl, so I want to do that."

I nodded, "And we will just as soon as JJ realises that she needs to detach herself from Will."

She glared at me, "I'm still holding onto the hope that he'll come back."

"…JJ, he isn't coming back." Garcia said quietly.

"Don't tell me that." She shook her head. She turned her attention to Henry quickly to stop Garcia or I from saying anything else. We glanced at each other before I sat back and Garcia looked at Morgan at her side. I watched her and Henry for a few minutes, Henry laughing as JJ stood up and started chasing him around the living room.

"Okay, team is coming out tonight, yes?" JJ asked once she sat down, looking around at the men of our team.

"I'd have to ask Savannah what she's doing." Morgan said.

"Well she's coming, obviously," Garcia rolled her eyes, "Trust me, she won't pass up a night out with us to spent it with _you_." She smirked at him.

The three of us looked at Reid and waited for him to accept our invitation. Then we looked at Rossi and Hotch. Rossi went to decline at first but Reid cut him off and told him not to leave him alone with us, so he accepted with a sigh. Hotch said he'd have to see what Jack was doing; whether he wanted to stay with a friend, stay with Jessica, or come home.

After Hotch and Morgan both got their phones out to determine whether they were coming or not, I set off upstairs to start gathering my things. Rossi had gradually bought me things over the week without telling me. I'd come back from a run or a drive or something to find bags on the bed with clothes, shoes, and once new makeup, and I thanked him for them but we both pretended not to know about it after I thanked him.

JJ and Garcia followed to help me pack my things. "Where did you get all of this from?" JJ asked as she lifted the newest blouse Rossi had gotten me.

"Found it this morning."

"What?" Garcia questioned with a confused look.

"I woke up late and Rossi had left three bags in here. He buys me things and we both pretend that he doesn't." I smiled.

"That's sweet." Garcia smiled.

"I told him to stop the second time I found them but he ignored me. He did buy this really nice colour lipstick though. I don't know how he knows what to buy but he's good at it. And I really like that blouse." I motioned to the one JJ was still holding. She smiled and put it into my bag.

* * *

JJ and I took a cab and met the team at a bar that we'd been to a few times. "Hey!" Garcia and Savannah greeted us enthusiastically.

"How long have you guys been here?" I asked as we stood at the table with the team; we were last here.

"Like ten minutes…they had shots." Reid said.

"Nice." JJ laughed.

"These four were boring and refused shots but you two, you two have to do them." Garcia nodded. She grabbed her clutch and walked to the bar before we could say anything.

JJ and I looked at each other, "I guess we're doing shots." I said to her. She nodded and we both laughed. I looked around the busy bar; we'd find guys tonight for sure.

"Hey, can I put my phone in your clutch please?" JJ asked as she finished typing a message to who I assumed would be Will.

"Yeah." I pushed it towards her. It was open and the pack of cigarettes slipped out onto the table. My eyes widened and I snatched it quickly, putting back in the clutch.

"Smooth…" She said quietly as she gave me her phone. I put it in and zipped the clutch up before putting it on the table in front of me and keeping my eyes down so I didn't see the disapproving faces of the team. They hadn't known; only JJ and Garcia did. JJ would even have a few with me when we drank.

I cleared my throat and glanced at her. Thankfully, Garcia returned before anyone could say anything. She placed three shots in front of me and three in front of JJ. "Oh god…" I shook my head. Tequila, of course. JJ and I looked at each other again and I bit my lip, "I guess it's going to be a big night then."

"Go big or go home." She smiled.

We poured and licked a small amount of salt from our hand, drank the first shot, and then sucked the lime. I coughed and my expression reacted the sourness; I hated limes and I hated sour things in general. Garcia laughed at me as I gagged. "Yuck!" I exclaimed quietly.

"You got two more, come on." Savannah smirked.

"Hello alcohol poisoning." I said quietly before JJ and I looked at each other and repeated with the next two what we had done with the first. We did it together; we always ended up unintentionally drinking at the same pace, but she had a lower alcohol tolerance than me.

"Don't tell me you've lost your alcohol tolerance." Morgan said once I finished all three shots and dropped my head into my arms on the table.

I coughed and lifted my head, shaking it, "Nope, just can't do sour."

"What's it like?" Reid asked curiously.

I looked at him, "What?"

"Tequila, salt, and lime shots. What are they like?"

I blinked a few times as I stared at him, "…You've never had one?"

"Dude." Morgan shook his head.

"Garcia—"

"On it." She cut JJ off and took her clutch to the bar again.

"Okay, I need a real drink." I said as I grabbed my own clutch. I looked at the drinks around us. Hotch would need another beer soon so I may as well get it now. I'd get JJ one too. I walked to the bar and talked to Garcia until the bartender reached us. She ordered five tequila shots first. "You're giving Reid five on his first time?"

"No, I'm giving him two on his first time. I also got one for Hotch, one for Rossi, and one for Derek."

"Right…well I'm sure they'll love that."

"They don't have to have the lime if they don't want." She rolled her eyes and took the shots. She thanked the bartender and walked back towards the team. I ordered a beer for Hotch, a gin and tonic for JJ, and a long island iced tea for myself. JJ said she didn't want to get too bad tonight but that was exactly why I was here. I took the three drinks back and slid Hotch's beer to him. JJ grabbed her drink with thanks and I sipped mine.

"Looking to get smashed tonight by any chance?" Morgan raised his eyebrows.

I smirked and sipped it again, staring at him as I did. We both laughed and I caught Hotch's eyes me. I gave him a questioning look but he looked away after a few seconds. He asked Rossi something and started a story from the older of the two.

* * *

Even after just one long island, I was already way past tipsy. The shots would have done most of the damage. JJ, Garcia, and Savannah were very enthusiastic about dancing so I went with them when they finally decided to go. 'Candy Shop' by 50 Cent had just started when we reached the floor and we laughed as Savannah slut dropped at Garcia and JJ's request. I saw several men around us checking the three of them out but I tried my best to ignore them while we danced.

After a few songs, I decided to go back to the table for a while but JJ stopped me just as I reached the side of the dance floor. She motioned for me to listen to the song that had just started; it was 'Low'. That was one of my favourite songs to dance to, so I gave in and stayed for one more dance. After the song finished, the three of them followed me back to the team and I offered them to come outside with me for a cigarette if they wanted. Savannah declined, Garcia hated that I smoked so she didn't hesitate to decline and stop communicating with me on our walk back. JJ accepted enthusiastically. I grabbed my clutch and took out the lighter and pack. "Watch this." I threw it to Savannah and we walked to the exit and outside.

I put one between my lips and held the pack to JJ. She took one and lit hers first. I took the lighter from her after she used it and lit my own. I heard the bar door open and saw Morgan approach us out the corner of my eye. I took a breath to prepare myself for an argument. When he reached me, he grabbed the pack from my hand and took one out. I smiled and held the lighter out. He motioned for me to do it so I lit the flame and he held the cigarette over it.

"Derek Morgan, a smoker?" JJ smirked as she flicked the ash off the end of hers.

"Jennifer Jareau, a smoker?" He shot back with a smirk.

"Hey, I have a lot of stresses going on at the moment, okay?" She defended herself.

"Okay." He nodded with a smile.


	21. Chapter 21

**Prentiss**

The night continued to go on. No one had said anything when the three of us returned to the table inside after our cigarettes; I wasn't sure if they thought Morgan was stopping us or knew he was joining us. JJ went and got two gin and tonics, one for me and one for her, and I was pulled to the dancefloor with Morgan after half a drink. After a few songs, I saw JJ walk past us quickly, wiping a tear as she entered the woman's bathroom. Morgan had seen her too and I followed her in. She stared at herself in the mirror with tears on her cheeks when I walked in.

"Hey, what's going on? Did someone say something?"

She shook her head, "Will's here with some brunette chick. He's supposed to have Henry, but they're all dressed up and he was smiling," More tears fell onto her cheeks, "I just can't do it anymore. I love him and I miss him and he's never coming back." She sobbed this time.

"Okay, hang on; I'm going to go and send Pen and Savvy in. They'll be in here soon, just breathe okay?" I rubbed her back briefly and walked out quickly. I walked quickly to the team, "Hey, JJ needs you." I said to both girls. They nodded and put their drinks down, going straight to the bathrooms.

"Is she okay? What happened?" Reid asked.

I looked around the bar until I spotted him, "Will happened." I replied to him before walking towards Will. I approached his table where he stood alone; the girl was probably at the bar or something.

He saw me approach and he took a breath, "Emily…"

"What are you doing here?"

"…I'm having a drink."

"Where's Henry?"

"At a friend's house, why?"

"I need you to leave. You have every other bar in Virginia to choose from, but JJ is here and she doesn't need to see you here with some other chick to ruin her night."

He looked at me with a questioning look, "Emily, did JJ tell you why I left?"

"…The job, to which you know is important and you know that it is difficult on her too…"

He snickered and shook his head, "That's what she told you, huh?" He looked behind me in the direction of the team's table and he walked past me, motioning for me to follow. I followed him towards the table where the girls had returned to. Morgan turned around and stopped him before he was within a few steps of JJ. She stared at the table in front of her and the team looked silently between her and Will. "Why didn't you tell her, Jennifer?" Will asked her.

"It doesn't concern her or the rest of my team." She looked at him. Both her tone and her eyes warned him not to continue what he was doing.

"Ah…tell me what?" I looked at JJ.

She shook her head, "Why do you feel the need to ruin me?" She asked him aggressively.

"Ruin you? JJ, you ruined yourself. I'm not the one who cheated, you are." He finished before glancing at me and walking away.

I watched him walk away before I turned back to JJ. Her head was in her hands and she was shaking it. "You what now?" I asked.

She sobbed and continued to shake her head.

"…JJ."

"You're not so perfect either." She said aggressively, lifting her head and looking at me with hard eyes.

I raised my eyebrows; I knew she thought I was judging her, "JJ, I'm not judging you…I'm just—"

"Bullshit." She shook her head and wiped her tears from her cheeks. She hadn't met anyone's eyes except for me. She was ashamed and we all knew it.

"What were you thinking? You didn't think he'd find out?"

"Back off." She snapped at me.

I snickered and nodded, "Okay, yeah, I'm judging you." I walked back around the table and sipped my drink.

"Well what a magnificent best friend you are."

I gave her an obvious look, "You cheated on your husband! You have a son with him, JJ!"

"Yeah, well you're lucky you didn't have a kid, huh? Because at least mine could potentially come back; yours is dead."

"OH my god! You did not just say that to me."

"Stay at Rossi's." She said as she grabbed her wallet, took her phone from my clutch beside Savannah, and walked towards the exit. I shook my head and drank back the rest of my drink.

"I can't believe that she did that." Garcia said quietly after a few seconds of silence around the table.

I sighed and asked Savannah for my clutch. I needed another cigarette. I opened it and took the pack and lighter out.

"Oh, uh uh," Savannah walked around Morgan and took it from my hands, "You said not to let you have more than one."

I groaned, "Come on, Savannah." She shook her head and started speaking, lightly lecturing me on how cigarettes could kill me and compromise my effectiveness when I returned to work. I listened to the first few words but something caught my eye behind her and I stopped listening as I stared at that one man across the bar, staring right back at me. I had realised that I was holding my breath after a short while and I let it out. I felt myself shaking slightly with either shock or fear, I couldn't decide, and I felt Rossi's hand on my shoulder.

Savannah had stopped talking and she had tried to follow my eyes to where I was looking but she seemed confused. The others around the table all looked concerned and watched between me and where my eyes were. I looked down quickly and blinked a few times. When I looked back up, I searched that side of the bar for Chris. He had been standing right there, right across the room. He was staring at me with that furious expression he always had before he got angry and violent. I couldn't find him again. I closed my eyes and shook my head. I laughed at myself quietly and brushed my hair back. One thing after another. When would it end?

"What were you looking at?" Reid asked curiously.

"Looked like you saw a ghost..." Morgan said.

I hesitated, "Uh…nothing," I shook my head, "Nothing. Um…I'll be right back." I took my clutch from the table and walked to the bathroom quickly to escape their eyes. I made sure no one was in here before I locked the door to the room; I didn't want Garcia or Savannah following me.

I stared at myself in the mirror and ran the water. I hadn't eaten anything tonight but I had the urge to make myself throw up. I did quickly, coughing up the alcohol in my stomach. It was a foul taste and my eyes teared up badly. Once it finally stopped, I rinsed my mouth out and washed my hands. I took a few deep breaths and looked at myself in the mirror, "He's dead. You saw it happen. He is gone and he is not coming back." I said quietly to myself. I teared up again but I blinked them away. "Why is this happening to me?" I asked myself quietly.

I shook my head and walked to the door. I unlocked, opened, and walked out of the bathroom quickly. I went to the bar and waited for the bartender. I got three gin and tonics despite already throwing it all up, and I went back to the table. I put the glasses down and skulled back two and stood with the third.

"Slow down." Hotch said quietly.

I ignored him and I kept drinking quickly for about another half hour before I realised that I wasn't walking straight at all and everything continued to spin around me. Once I fell and Morgan caught me before it was too obvious to anyone else in the bar, the team decided it was time to leave. Rossi offered us all to go to his place, saving time and drop offs with the cabs Hotch called.

* * *

It was late morning, my head was pounding, I had already thrown up twice, and I could hear the team talking quietly downstairs. I walked down slowly so I didn't shake myself up too much and have to throw up again. I needed coffee. When I walked into the living room, I was met with several smirks from the majority of them and concerned expressions from Hotch and Rossi.

"I'll get you some coffee." Rossi said, standing and walking through to the kitchen. I thanked him quietly and sat down on the closest seat to me, beside Hotch.

When Rossi came back and gave me the mug, I thanked him again and sipped it before looking up, "So what exactly was I drinking last night?"

"Mostly gin and tonic…amongst other drinks." Reid nodded.

"You don't remember?" Garcia asked.

I shook my head, "Where's JJ?"

"Uh…you're fighting." Savannah said.

I snickered, "Figures."

"Do you want to know why?"

"It's probably something stupid, right?"

She shook her head, "I don't think so."

I raised my eyebrows, "Oh…so we're in like a _serious_ fight?" I groaned, "Shit." Morgan recounted the fight in detail and the rest of the night briefly. As he spoke, a few memories of the night came back to my mind but there were still a lot of large blank spaces. Rossi refilled my coffee mug and I was half way through the second cup when I heard the front door open. I heard Henry's voice talking to her but I didn't hear a reply.

"Henry! Mummy doesn't want to hear about daddy, okay?" She burst as she walked into the living room where we all were. She dropped my two bags and didn't even look over, "Come on, we're going home."

"Aunt Emmy!" Henry said excitedly as he ran to me. I put my cup down and hugged him when jumped up and onto my lap. JJ sighed irritable. He told me a quick story about Will, the one I assumed he had tried to tell JJ, and I listened with a smile on my lips until he finished.

"Hey, can you stay in here with Spencer for a minute while I talk to mummy?" I asked him.

He nodded and jumped down from me. He walked to Reid with a big smile and climbed up to his lap. I stood and walked over towards JJ. "No, I don't want to talk to you." She said sternly.

"Then don't talk, listen." I said quietly as I made her turn and pushed her gently towards the foyer. I opened the front door and waited a few seconds before she gave in and walked outside. I closed the front door behind me and I talked to her for a while, maybe ten minutes. I apologised, I admitted that I had been tempted to cheat on Chris when I was with him, I told her that I didn't judge her for it. It went for a while and she didn't say a word the whole time; she wouldn't even meet my eyes. Once I ran out of things to say, she walked back inside quickly and I sighed to myself, took a deep breath, and then followed her.

"Henry, let's go." She said. He ignored her so she repeated herself forcefully. He pouted and got down from where he sat on the couch between Garcia and Reid. Once he had reached her, she turned and the two of them walked past me. She still didn't say anything and she still didn't meet my eyes.

After the front door closed behind me and the room had been silent for several seconds, I let out a breath and walked in quietly, sitting back down where I was before. _"Nothing's working your way, is it?"_ I heard the familiar voice. My eyes widened at the sound and I looked behind me quickly. He wasn't there, but he voice was so recognisable. He sounded menacing. I turned back and saw suspicious faces. Rossi's eyebrows were raised, "What are you looking at?"

I shook my head, "Nothing." When I looked away and back up, I saw him again. He was staring at me, standing directly behind Reid. I felt my lips part in both shock and fear but I recovered quickly and looked away again. When I glanced back, he was gone. It was like he was a ghost, only just starting to haunt me now, almost five months after his death.

" _She doesn't love you anymore."_ I heard his voice again. I looked behind me again but I made it subtle this time, looking around everywhere before I looked over my shoulder.

"Excuse me." I said quietly as I stood. I took my coffee and walked through the archway behind me and into the kitchen and dining. I walked out of their view and looked around, shaking my head. What was happening to me and why did it have to happen now? I had heard Hotch and Rossi recently discussing the possibility of reinstating me onto the team just for paperwork and work with Garcia, although nothing in the travel or field parts of the job yet. I was almost there but after what Morgan had said about me looking around "like I saw a ghost" and what had just happened, I knew they'd rethink it. Plus, my recent disagreement with JJ that she didn't forgive me for; that would be a setback too.

* * *

" _Those memories are stuck in there and they will come to the surface." – Chris May._


	22. Chapter 22

**Prentiss**

"JJ, call my back, please?" I began talking to her voicemail yet again. It had been a week and I hadn't seen her, she hadn't answered my texts or picked up my calls. The team walked into Rossi's living room then, having just returned home from work at the office. Savannah was here too; she must have finished her shift for today. "Jayje, I _really_ need you right now," I ignored their presence, "Please just…call me back. I love you." I hung up and dropped the phone to my side before dropping my head into my hands.

"Aw pumpkin, she'll come around eventually." Garcia said quietly, walking over and sitting beside me. She moved my phone to the coffee table and put an arm around me.

"You " _really_ " need her right now? What's going on?" Morgan asked.

"Anything we can help you with?" Reid asked in a concerned voice. They all sat down on the couches around the room. I shook my head in reply but I didn't look up.

I sat back up quickly after a few seconds of silence and took my phone again. I hit the redial and held the phone to my ear again. I listened to it ring out before her voicemail greeted me again, "This is ridiculous. Your voicemail is going to fill soon; call me back or I will come over there." I hung up quickly and put my phone down before crossing my arms and sitting back.

"Why haven't you gone over already?" Savannah asked.

"Because," I didn't have a real answer to that; I guess I was just scared of what she'd do, or that she'd still refuse to meet my eyes or speak to me. I lay to my side with a frown on my face. My phone rang then and I fell off the couch as I reached for the phone quickly. I picked it up and didn't bother trying to get back up, "JJ?"

"…No."

I groaned and dropped my head to the side to rest against the couch, "Mother."

"You actually picked up my call."

"Well I think it's pretty obvious I was expecting JJ; I didn't bother to check the ID. Trust me, I wouldn't have picked up if I knew it was you."

She sighed, "What did I ever do to deserve the treatment you give me?"

"Well, it all started in about second grade. I think that was the first time you forced me to dress up in a puffy pink dress and curl my hair nicely to go to some unimportant political function that was definitely not "kid-friendly", and then—"

"Emily." She cut me off with a bored tone.

"Sorry mother, what can I do for you?"

"I need you to pick your father up from the Norfolk airport tomorrow morning."

"Sorry, can't do that."

"Why not?"

"I don't go to that airport; I will never go to that airport again."

"Well can Agent Jareau or Agent Hotchner or someone do it?"

"Afraid not, sorry."

"Why can't they?"

"Well JJ isn't talking to me and probably never will again, Hotch doesn't want to have to spend hours in a car with my father; no one does, and their team is on a case anyway." I lied.

"Are you?"

"…No…I'm not working at the moment." I reminded.

"Why not?"

" _Why not?_ Did you seriously just ask me that?"

"It's been seven months now, hasn't it?"

"Five…but close." I rolled my eyes and pulled myself back up to the couch beside Garcia.

"Please Emily, I don't ask for much."

"You don't ask for much? Yeah…because you haven't spoken to me in five months and even that was a five-minute conversation…"

"Would you prefer I called more?"

"No, no, I am quite happy with the arrangement we have now."

"Okay, so can you pick him up please?"

I groaned, "Why is he even coming here?"

"He's going to see you; he misses you."

"I'm sure he does," I rolled my eyes again, "Fine. I will pick him up...but only if you promise not to call me for another five months."

"You're not funny. Thank you." She hung up quickly and I put my phone back down on the table. I shook my head and glanced at the text as it came through with the time I was to be at the airport.

"What did she want?" Morgan asked.

"Me to pick my father up tomorrow morning from the airport."

"Why's he coming in?" Reid asked curiously, "Don't they live in London now?"

"Yeah; apparently he's coming to visit me." I rolled my eyes. The expression on my face probably told them that I wasn't in the mood to talk about it. I was upset about JJ, I was upset about the secret regular occurrences when I'd see or hear Chris, and now I had to see my father. We got along when I was a little girl, I was a daddy's girl and we were really close, but we drifted a lot once I hit my teenage years. I didn't see him often enough to get to know him, really.

I had seen Chris twice today, heard his voice several more times, and it was starting to really scare me. I was having nightmares every night; I would wake in tears or screams. Unfortunately, Rossi heard every time I screamed, and now I was definitely not returning to work for a while. He and Hotch both tried talking to be about it but I would either change the subject quickly, aggressively tell them to leave me alone or that it wasn't their business, or just walk away. They couldn't know; they'd lock me up again.

Rossi stood and stated that he was going to start preparing dinner for everyone as he walked out. The others stood and followed; we always watched him cook. We'd learn or just keep him company and laugh as we drank wine. I didn't move and Hotch didn't either.

"Prentiss—"

"Please don't." I cut him off, keeping my eyes down and shaking my head.

"We're extremely worried."

I looked at him and shook my head, "Don't be; I'm fine."

He wanted to disagree and question me further but I looked at him with warning in my eyes. He stopped himself and stared back at me for a few seconds. "Do you want me to come to the airport tomorrow? I'm assuming it's Norfolk by your reaction when she asked initially."

I looked down and picked at my nails, "No, it's okay."

"Prentiss, you know it's going to difficult on you; you haven't been back there since." He spoke with a soft voice. My heart fluttered and I scolded myself silently. I looked at him but I didn't say anything. He raised his eyebrows, "So…you want me to come? I don't have Jack."

I let out a defeated breath and nodded, "Thanks."

He nodded, "And I will be talking to JJ on Monday."

"No—"

"It doesn't seem like she's going to talk to you anytime soon. I'll talk to her. In the meantime, why don't you tell me what's going on?" He questioned. I gave him a confused look. He tilted his head slightly, "You get distracted very easily lately, like you're seeing or hearing something we're not. You're waking up every night in either tears or screams. You told JJ that you really need her right now."

I shook my head, "I don't—"

"Want to talk about it," He finished, "I know, but you need to, Emily, and you know you do."

"I can handle it."

"You don't have to fight everything on your own, Emily. We're here to support and help you, not judge you."

I snickered, "Yeah…that's what I told JJ."

"I have a feeling that the circumstances are very different."

I looked away and bit my lip. I closed my eyes and shook my head before opening them again and standing. I walked to the kitchen and Hotch followed me. Garcia smiled and held a glass of wine to Hotch, Reid held one to me. I thanked him and took it, standing between him and Morgan.

"You," Rossi pointed to me, "You've seen me make this before. Help me."

I rolled my eyes with a smirk, "Fine." I dragged the word out to make it sound like a complaint and I walked around the counter island to the kitchen. I sipped my wine and then put it down. He slid a chopping board, a knife, and an onion to me. "Oh, you've see me make this before, that means you're the only one who can cut an onion." I mocked.

"Hey," He pointed at me with his knife, "Don't make me cut you."

My lips formed the shape of an 'O' before I smirked and laughed at him; the others laughed too. I tied my hair back quickly and washed my hands before returning to the board. I removed the skin of the onion and started chopping it up quickly. I didn't even pay attention to what I was doing; I had done this so often for Rossi that I could do it with my eyes closed.

"You look like a pro." Reid said to me.

* * *

After dinner with the team and a glass of wine, I excused myself and went upstairs to the ensuite bathroom that joined my room. I ran the water in the sink and made myself throw up into the toilet. My eyes teared up and a few dropped down my cheeks. Once I couldn't keep going, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands. I rinsed my mouth out and brushed my teeth quickly as I cried. I stared at myself in the mirror, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" I whispered through my tears.

" _Because you have to."_ Chris's voice spoke. I looked around the room but I knew it was just in my head; that knowledge didn't make it any better or any easier to cope with.

I heard a knock on the door and I quickly rinsed the toothbrush before putting it back where I kept it. I wiped the tears and put my hair behind my ears before walking to the door and opening it. My eyes widened, "Jayje…"

"Hey," She said quietly, "I listened to your millions of messages. Are you sick?"

"Uh…no," I glanced behind me, "I think I just ate too much."

She didn't really believe that but she didn't question it or push on the suspicion I knew she had. "Okay, well I just wanted to say sorry. I was disappointed in myself, I hated that the whole team knew and were disappointed in me, and I was upset that I disappointed you. I overreacted."

"JJ, you could have told me. It was a bit of shock but a few minutes to process and I would have listened and understood."

"I'm sorry." She apologised again. She hugged me tightly and I returned the gesture willingly.

"It's okay, Jayje."

"Come out Friday night? I'll buy you drinks until you forgive me."

I laughed, "I don't have anything to forgive, but I will come out Friday."

She smiled, "Great. The teams coming, we're going to Pleasure Place; they're having one of those mixed female and male nights. It'll be fun."

"Sounds great; I've always wanted to watch male _and_ female exotic dancers with the males of the team present and watch them watch the females."

"Do they even know that you're bi?"

"I don't think so." I shook my head as we walked out. We went downstairs and followed the sounds of the team's laughter in the living room.

"Pleasure Place Friday, you're in, right?" Garcia asked.

I nodded, "Yeah, I've always wanted to go to a strip club with the team." I said sarcastically.

"Yeah, I think it'll be awkward too." Savannah agreed.

"You think it will? At least it isn't as awkward for you to watch women as well; we have to try and avoid watching other male dancers surrounding the place." Morgan said.

"I'm no Emily, but you're right; it isn't so uncomfortable."

"What do you mean by "I'm no Emily"?" Reid asked.

Savannah looked at me, "…They don't know?"

"Apparently not," I shrugged my shoulders as I sat down, JJ beside me, "It never occurred to me that others wouldn't think it was a normal thing; I never thought that I should actually say it."

"Say what? I'm so confused." Reid said.

"She's bisexual, Reid," JJ rolled her eyes, "That is what Savannah meant by "she's no Emily". Because Em enjoys both genders, you know." She expanded.

"Oh…okay."

I narrowed my eyes and put on an offended look, "Do you not accept that, Reid?" I held my smirk back as best I could.

"What? No, I didn't say that. You can like whatever gender you want to like." His voice lowered at the last sentence. He felt awkward.

I laughed, "Relax Reid, I was joking."

"Oh, good." He visibly relaxed. The others around us laughed and I sat back. JJ looked at me with a smile as Morgan started to tease Reid and the others joined in. I smiled back at her and she rested her head on my shoulder.

"So do you remember Detective Cooper?" I asked her quietly.

"Detective Cooper like New York Detective Cooper?" Garcia asked. She and the others were listening.

I nodded, "Yeah, him. He called me this morning; I don't know how he got my number, but he is coming to Virginia next week and wants to see me." I smirked and looked at JJ again.

"Wait…he was married with a kid." Morgan said.

I nodded, " _Was_. He is divorced now and he has his daughter every second week."

"How long have you been talking to him?" Savannah asked.

"Oh, a few weeks now," I nodded, "Facebook."

"Are you even allowed to have Facebook?" She asked in doubt.

"…It's under a different name. I'm still Lauren Reynolds online. Anyway…the point of me bringing this up is because he asked me out on a date." I sung the last part with a smile.

"Aw, you guys would be so cute; and he's really smooth. Too bad you profiled him and scared him away to begin with." JJ smirked at me.

"Hey, he was married anyway." I defended myself.

* * *

 _"The problem isn't with your body, the problem is what you think of it...and what you think of yourself." - Unknown._


	23. Chapter 23

**Prentiss**

I slept in late this morning and Rossi had left for work by the time I had woken. I was very lucky for that because it was not a good day. I had a very realistic dream about Chris during the night and I tried my best to muffle the cries that left me, but now that I was awake during the day, I couldn't imagine myself getting anything done or maybe even getting out of bed. I cried, I screamed into my pillow, and I buried myself under the blankets and pillows. It had been a while since I had experienced a day this bad; I hadn't had much of a bad day at all since I left that Medstar mental place. I was beginning to think it had worked until I had started to see and hear Chris.

" _Shut up! Stop fucking crying!"_ I heard Chris yelling at me furiously. It made me cry harder. I remembered all the times when he used to scream those exact words to me.

"Leave me alone!" I screamed between sobs.

" _You're worthless, your team hates you and how needy you've become. You can't do anything on your own, you don't deserve to live any more than I did."_

I tried to take deep breaths and calm my tears, "I know, I know." I repeated several times, shaking my head. I forced myself up and walked to the bathroom. I worked at a razor until I got the blade out, and then I turned the shower water on and got undressed. I stepped in and gradually turned the cold off more and more until it was barely on. The water was as hot on my skin as it felt when my apartment was on fire. I stared at my scarred wrist for a few minutes before I closed my eyes and slid the blade across my skin. Relief spread through me, the pain giving me a kind of emotional release. Once I inflicted one on myself, I couldn't stop myself from adding more. After about eleven to my upper part of my left wrist, I moved to my left hip. About six more before I did the same to my right hip. I stopped myself then, throwing the razor into the basin outside of the shower. I sat down under the water and relished in the sting that the water caused on the wounds.

I had seen Detective Cooper on Tuesday, two days ago, and I did enjoy the lunch, but I doubted anything would come of it. He was finding his job in New York too rewarding to sacrifice anything and I wasn't going to leave Virginia. Travelling between the two, although not a long flight, would still be too much of a hassle. I spent the days from Sunday to Wednesday with my father, he left last night to go back to my mother in London.

After looking at my wrist for a few minutes, it occurred to me that Rossi would be home tonight; they had a case at the start of the week but they got back last night. It was a warm day; would he think it would be strange for me to wear sleeves?

After what felt like an hour, I forced myself to stand and I turned the shower water off. I stepped out and dried myself off, only patting the newly injured areas when I reached them. I sighed and shook my head before looking at myself in the mirror. "Stupid, worthless, fat bitch." I said to myself quietly. Tears filled my eyes and I let them fall silently. "Useless, pathetic, unloved. How _could_ anyone love someone like you?" After a few more minutes, I cleaned the razor the best I could and hid it in the cupboard below the basin before forcing myself away from the mirror and to the bedroom. I put on a pair of grey fabric shorts and a black tank top before crawling back underneath the blankets of the bed. The warmth didn't provide much comfort for now. It was around one already, and I didn't think I had anything that I _had_ to do today, so I'd just stay here. I let myself cry and I closed my eyes, trying to steady my breathing as much as I could and concentrating on the sound. I fell asleep rather easily.

* * *

"Hey Em, wake up." Rossi spoke quietly and had a hand on my shoulder. I could feel his weight beside me on the bed but I didn't open my eyes.

"Please go away." I whispered.

He took a breath to calm himself down before he spoke again, "Your eyes are puffy and red and I can see your arm…"

I moved my left arm quickly and pulled the blanket over it. I wrapped it in to cover it without chance of him seeing it again.

He sighed, "Love you, kiddo." He brushed my hair behind my ear and I felt his lips press lightly to my temple. I felt his weight lift, "Let me know when you want to talk."

I listened to his footsteps fade out and walk out into the hall. I opened my eyes and glanced to the door; he left it open ajar. I moved my right arm out from underneath me and grabbed my phone from the nightstand. I opened JJ's contact but I stopped myself from calling her; she'd be with Henry. I opened Garcia's next, but I didn't call her either; something told me that what I wanted to talk about would scare her more than anything else in the world. I couldn't tell Rossi or Hotch; I didn't want them to think I was insane. Reid wouldn't want to hear about it; I'm sure he heard enough of hearing voices and hallucinating from his mother. That left Savannah and Morgan, and Savannah probably wouldn't know what to do if I spoke to her. I took a deep breath and called Morgan's number.

"Morgan." He picked up rather quickly.

"Hey, what are you doing right now?" My voice was quiet; I didn't want Rossi hearing.

"I'm sitting with Savannah in our living room. Are you okay? You sound upset."

"Don't worry."

"Prentiss, Savannah and I aren't doing anything; do you need me to come over? Where are you?"

I sniffed as a few tears dripped from my eyes, "I'm at Rossi's, but it's okay; have a good night."

"Emily, do not hang up on me. I'm leaving now; I'll be there soon."

I closed my eyes and wiped my tears, "Thank you Morgan."

"Always, princess. Hang in there."

I hung up and after a few seconds, I heard Rossi's phone ring. I moved further down in the bed and pulled the blankets over my head. After a few minutes, I heard Rossi walking up the staircase. "Thanks Morgan." He said. I heard the quiet beep of him hanging up a call and he walked into my room quietly. "Emily?" I took an unsteady breath and slowly pulled the blankets from my face. I looked at him hesitantly and waited for him to speak again. "I know that you want me to leave you alone, but Morgan gave me strict orders to stay with you until he got here."

"Why?" I asked at a whisper.

"He said that he didn't want you to do anything stupid. Why does he think you're going to do something stupid, Emily?"

I shook my head, "I'm fine." He knew I didn't want to speak to him so he nodded and squeezed my right hand before standing from the side of the bed and walking to the armchair in the corner of the room. "…You're seriously going to sit there and stare at me?"

"Until he gets here, I will sit here and ensure you don't do anything stupid. I won't stare at you, though." He retrieved his phone from his pocket and looked down at it. I sighed and dropped back onto the pillows.

About a half hour past before I heard the front door open and close downstairs. Morgan didn't live close at all; Rossi's mansion was outside of town. I pulled myself up and walked to the walk-in robe beside the ensuite. I grabbed the first sweater I saw and pulled it over my tank top.

"Rossi? Prentiss?" I heard him call out as he walked up the staircase.

"Em's room." Rossi called back. He knocked on the open door before walking in and I walked out from the walk-in robe.

"Hey," He looked between us, "What's going on? Are you okay?" His eyes met mine.

"You ordered Rossi to watch me?" I raised my eyebrows. He stood up straighter and looked me up and down quickly, a small sigh of admittance leaving him. I shook my head and looked down, "I shouldn't have called…"

"No, no, no," He motioned to the door, "Come on."

"Where?" I questioned.

"A drive. Come on." He stood looking at me, waiting for me to move. I sighed and kissed Rossi's cheek before walking out of the room. I heard Morgan and Rossi exchange a few words before Morgan followed behind me.

"Where are we going?" I asked as we exited the house and he led me to his car, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly.

"A drive." He repeated, rolling his eyes before smirking and winking at me. I got in the passenger seat and he sat behind the wheel. I saw the front porch light turn on as Morgan drove around the driveway and the fountain in the middle; Rossi was probably going to bed. He always left the light on when he was going to sleep before I was home so that I could see what I was doing when unlocking the door. I liked that he always remembered to turn it on for me.

* * *

I sat silently as Morgan drove for quite a while; for too long because I was getting restless before he pulled up off a deserted hill. It was a lookout with only one dull light that lit the rather large dirt parking lot. He parked the car and opened the door. He stepped out and I figured I was supposed to follow him. I got out of the car and walked to the front of it where he stood. He climbed onto the bonnet of the car and sat leaning against the windshield. He looked at me and waited for me to follow. I took a breath and sat beside him, lying against the window as he was. We stared at the stars for a few minutes in silence.

"So what's got you so messed up today?" He broke the silence.

I snickered, "My, you really know how to talk to a woman." I dropped my head to the side and saw his smirk. I fought my smile but it broke through and I laughed.

"Why'd you call me above the others?"

I bit my lip, "JJ has Henry tonight, I didn't want to scare Garcia, Rossi and Hotch would think I'm insane, Reid doesn't need to hear any more about it; he hears enough, and Savannah wouldn't know the first thing to say or do…"

"…Yeah, I think I'm going to need to hear what this is about before I understand most of your logic in that. What's going on?"

I sat up and took a deep breath, "Promise me that you won't tell anyone else? It'll stay between us?"

"I'll do what is best for you." He nodded. He sat up too and watched me, waiting for me to calm myself and speak.

"Okay…well I thought that it was all getting better again since that hospital, and it was…until recently. I don't know what is going on or what to do but I can't tell anyone because they'll…they'll send me back and I don't know if I'll get out."

"What is going on, Emily?" I saw the concern in his eyes.

"I'm—Chris…I'm seeing him…hearing him."

He gave me a questioning look, "What do you mean?"

"I can hear him in my head, but it sounds so real," I shook my head and took a second to breathe through the tears that started to fill my eyes and the sobs that rose in my throat, "He tells me that I'm not worth anything, that your team hates me, everything that he used to tell me. He keeps telling me that I don't deserve to be alive; that I need to kill myself."

"Well do you believe it?"

"…I try not to but when you hear someone telling you that every day for two weeks straight…it's difficult not to."

"Em—"

"Let me finish, please?" I cut him off. He nodded and waited silently again. "Sometimes I see him when he speaks to me, and sometimes I see him staring at me from afar or from across a room. Do you remember when the team had a night out a while ago and you all said it looked like I had seen a ghost?" I nodded, "I had seen a ghost. I saw him standing right behind Reid in Rossi's living room last week," tears streamed down my face, "At first it was difficult to separate the…I don't know…hallucinations, I guess, and reality. It got easier to determine, but it's still so damn hard to see him. I thought it was over; I thought that I'd get over it and I'd get my job back and I'd find some new guy that I could fall in love with but it's just getting worse."

He sat looking into my eyes, reading and profiling me. I didn't stop him like I normally would. I waited quietly for him to speak. "Emily, do you understand how serious this is?"

I nodded and looked down, "I know, I know, but I don't know what I can do about it. I can't go back to Medstar. I'm out of options…well…except for one and I don't think I want to settle for that one just yet."

"What is it?" He questioned. I looked at him for a few seconds before tilting my head slightly and biting my lip. He raised his eyebrows, "So you're hallucinating, hearing voices, _and_ you want to kill yourself…this is a hell of a lot to reveal to someone who cares about you a lot in one sitting." He looked down.

"I said I don't want to settle for that yet…"

"You said that you don't _think_ you do _yet_."

I looked down and sniffed, "Tell me I'm not insane. Tell me that I'm not losing my mind and shattering into pieces."

"Do you want to know what I think?" He asked. I nodded in response. "I think that you're struggling with PSTD or something similar, and I think that although you might be sane now, if you don't get help very soon, you're going to start losing that mind of yours."

I sobbed and dropped my head. I closed my eyes and put my hand over my mouth.

He sighed sadly and pulled me into his arms, hugging me close to him, "I'm sorry, princess." I shook my head and left my face buried in his chest. I was feeling like absolute shit right now and I was terrified of what was happening to me, but I was grateful for how lucky I was right now to have Morgan to speak to, and how grateful I was to have the team to talk to if I wanted to. "Emily, you know that we're all here for you, always."

I nodded, "I know. Thanks." I stayed in his arms for a while and he let me cry. He ran his hand up and down my arm comfortingly and waited patiently. Eventually, after about fifteen minutes, I pulled away from him and wiped my cheeks to rid the tears. I took a few deep breaths to calm my sobs and myself.

"It's getting late; I should get you home and you should get some sleep."

"Thank you for this, Morgan. God knows what I would have done if you were busy." I shook my head.

"That's why I made sure Rossi was watching you; I knew something was very off. I want you to either come to me face to face or call me any time you see or hear him, okay?"

I nodded quickly but I doubted I would ever really tell him; I didn't want to have to rely on him like that. He jumped down from the car and held his hand out to me to assist me; I took it as I jumped down too. We stepped into the car and started back towards Rossi's mansion. It would be around ten when I got back, and although it wasn't extremely late, I was exhausted and I knew that he would be too.

* * *

" _A bosom friend – an intimate friend, you know – a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul." – L.M. Montgomery._


	24. Chapter 24

**Prentiss**

I went through security checks of the FBI academy precinct with a scowl on my face. I went up the sixth floor and waited impatiently until I heard the sound that signalled the arrival to the floor I wanted. I walked out onto the smooth flooring and straight towards the glass doors, ignoring Garcia and JJ when I saw them there. _"Are you going to start something you can't finish, my dear? Will you ruin yet another relationship? You know that you're hopeless at those."_ I ignored Chris's words in my head. I knew JJ and Garcia followed behind me; I would have looked absolutely furious. I _was_ absolutely furious.

"Morgan!" I yelled as I walked into the bullpen and towards him at the desks. Rossi and Hotch were talking to Reid at his desk, JJ and Garcia were behind me, so the whole team was watching.

He turned around and I saw him groan, "Not here, princess." He shook his head.

"Do _not_ "princess" me. You _lied_ to me, Morgan!"

"I didn't—"

"I trusted you, I confided in you, and you threw it back in my face!"

"Prentiss—"

"Do not tell me to stop!" I cut Hotch off, looking at him with infuriated eyes. I looked back to Morgan, "It took everything I had to tell you what might have been my biggest secret since Ian Doyle and you betrayed me. You promised me, Morgan. I trusted you when you promised me and I trusted you enough to tell you and you just…you ruined it."

"Okay, chill out for a second. I _never_ promised you that I wouldn't say anything. You asked me to promise that, I said that I would do what was best for you, and you still told me. They needed to know."

I shook my head, "Why couldn't you just keep your—Oh my god! Shut up!" I pressed my right hand to my head and dropped it, closing my eyes, as if applying pressure would stop his voice. Chris was still yelling at me and it wouldn't stop; I was losing focus on my argument because he was beginning to distract me too much.

"Hey, Emily, listen to me," Morgan spoke to me quietly, "It's in your head; you're imagining it. What he's saying isn't true and you know that. Push him away, don't let him keep talking to you."

After a short while of silence from myself and the team, his voice stopped. I let out a breath and brushed my hair away from my face before looking up. I shook my head, "Now I don't know what I was saying."

"You were going to ask me why I couldn't just keep my mouth shut. _That_ is why," He motioned to me, "What did he say?"

I shook my head and turned around, "I'm going home." I had a doctor's appointment to attend anyway.

"Emily." He tried to stop me.

"Leave me alone." I held my hand up and kept walking. I took a deep breath to calm myself down as I exited the bullpen. I heard Reid ask what was going on as I opened the glass door, so at least he didn't know. As far as I knew, it was just Morgan, Rossi, and Hotch. Well, for now anyway; I'm sure it won't be the same in five minutes. I wondered how it'd go down tonight if I tried to cancel on the whole plan with the team to go to Pleasure Place. I didn't want to see Morgan, Hotch, or Rossi. Unfortunately, I lived with one of them, so seeing him was inevitable.

I drove towards the doctor's office slowly in my car; I was too distracted by what I was going to do when someone approached me on the issue. I was an adult; I could handle it myself and I didn't need to be sent away. I even considered the possibility of going to London for a while and staying with my parents. The thought was dismissed within minutes of contemplation. I pulled up at the clinic eventually and sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel for a while. Why was it always me? Nothing ever seemed to go my way anymore.

* * *

I wore a very tight pair of black leather jeans with a red and black corset top, finished with my typical black heels and black clutch. I wore my hair curled and out over my right shoulder. My red lipstick and black outlined eyes made me feel hidden tonight; I hoped it'd stay that way.

I walked downstairs slowly and my heels clicked; I could hear the team in the living room, laughing and talking. "Well, it's nice of you to join us." Garcia joked.

"Took you long enough." JJ added.

I rolled my eyes, "Get over it. None of my dresses fit anymore; they're all too big."

"Yeah, you still haven't really gotten your weight back." JJ nodded. She didn't mean for it to sound rude, to which I hadn't taken it, and she didn't sound suspicious either. That was good.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know what's going on; all I know is we need to go shopping for new dresses."

"Okay, but are you ready for _tonight_?" Savannah asked.

I looked down at myself before looking back up and nodding, "I think so."

"Wait, no we're not," JJ said as she stood, "I need to borrow a push up." She said as she walked past me.

"Top left drawer!" I called up after her. I turned back and looked at Garcia and Savannah, "I though she _didn't_ want to get laid tonight?"

"Will texted her and you know how she gets," Garcia said. I nodded and sat down beside her. "I mean, I don't know why she can't just get over it. She knew it was going to happen; she didn't exactly try to _stop_ him from leaving. She was cheating on him anyway; she only cared _after_ he left."

"Penelope." I hushed her with warning in my tone. I glanced behind me towards the staircase. She was still upstairs, thankfully.

"I'm just saying." She rolled her eyes.

I raised my eyebrows, "Okay, what has gotten into you today?"

"…Why didn't you tell me?" She asked in a whining voice.

"What?"

"About the voice and the hallucinations. Why didn't you tell me?"

I groaned and dropped my head back, "One night. Why can't we have _one_ night where no one worries and no one questions me and no one argues?"

"Because that's not how things work…so why didn't you tell me?"

I looked at her, "Because I didn't want to." I stood up and walked around the couch to the other side of the room where the cart sat with different types of alcohol on it. Glasses sat stacked on the side and I poured a glass of straight gin. It was the good stuff; only the best for Rossi.

"Well did you tell Rossi?"

"No," I shook my head and drank back the glass, "I only told Morgan and trust me, I have learnt my lesson."

"Hey, I was helping you." He said from between Savannah and Reid.

"You keep telling yourself that," I poured another glass and drank it back again, "JJ! How long does it take you to put on a damn bra!?"

I heard her quick footsteps as she descended the stairs, "Sorry, I got distracted."

"In my room? With what?" I asked suspiciously.

"My reflection in that mirror you had turned around…" She gave me a questioning look. I nodded and took the glass I had used with me through to the kitchen. "How do you get ready in the mornings without a mirror?" She called into me.

"Bathroom," I replied in an obvious voice. I walked back in, "Can we go?" She nodded and I picked my clutch back up as the team stood. Hotch and Rossi had already nominated themselves to be the designated drivers tonight. Neither of them really wanted to go to a strip club with their younger subordinates, but they weren't about to let JJ and I out to drink without sober supervision. I had heard the two of them talking earlier about how they were starting to worry a lot more about JJ over the past week.

I got into Rossi's passenger seat, JJ and Reid got in the back. Garcia sat passenger in Hotch's car and Morgan and Savannah sat in the back. "Do you need directions?" I asked Rossi, looking at him to my left.

He shook his head, "No."

"Oh, so SSA David Rossi knows where Pleasure Place is." JJ smirked as she joked. Reid tried to keep his laugh back.

"I think you're forgetting that I used to be younger."

"So if you're _so_ old now, why are you coming?" I questioned. I wanted to know if he'd lie or not.

"You know exactly why. You both do." He glanced at JJ over his shoulder before moving his eyes to me briefly and then back to the road.

"I don't have a drinking problem!" JJ exclaimed.

"Okay JJ, we just want to keep an eye on the both of you. No one said drinking problem."

"Hotch did." Reid said quietly. He looked distracted by the darkness out the window.

"I love the trust we have established within this team." I said sarcastically. Rossi sighed and shook his head but he didn't say anything.

I looked at JJ through the side mirror and she met my eyes. She shook her head and I saw her look down to her phone. A minute or so passed before my phone buzzed. I unlocked it and opened JJ's text. _"Should we show them a drinking problem tonight?"_

" _Most definitely. I'm ready to get fucked."_ I wrote back. I looked at her through the mirror again when her phone sounded. She read it and met my eyes before nodding with a smirk. I couldn't stop the small laugh from leaving me, and she laughed too.

"What?" Reid questioned, looking between us.

I shook my head, "Nothing. Nothing at all." I saw Rossi look in the rear-view mirror at Reid; they exchanged suspicious glances.

"…I hope Mason is there tonight." JJ said quietly after a few moments' silence.

I groaned, "I don't."

"You two would make the cutest babies."

"I don't want to have his babies," I rolled my eyes, "I'm never going there with him again."

"You say that now." She nodded with a smirk.

* * *

I sat with Rossi to my right, followed by Hotch, Reid, JJ, Garcia, Savannah, and then with Morgan at my left around the circular table we were seated at. Garcia had called to book us a table, requesting only the best for the mixed gender table of FBI agents and doctor.

"So…Mason _is_ here tonight," JJ smirked, "Are you going to sought him out and strategically run into him?"

I titled my head as I looked across the table at her, "No JJ, I am going to stay right here and I'm going to hide underneath the table when he dances and when I see him walking around."

"And make him think you're sucking off one of these guys," She nodded, "Smart."

"That is not what I meant at all." I shook my head and the four of us girls laughed.

She sat forwards, "Okay, I'm going to ask you a question and you have to answer truthfully, and no guy on this table will get offended with your answer."

"No," I interrupted before she could continue, shaking my head, "I am not drunk enough for this."

"Alright, shots." Savannah stood up.

"Ooo! Yes!" Garcia stood too and the two went to the bar quickly.

I made a whining fake cry of a sound, "Why is it always shots?"

"Maybe the two of you should slow—"

"Rossi, if you _ever_ want to speak to either of us ever again, I would strongly suggest that you do not finish that sentence." JJ cut him off. I smiled slightly and looked down as I sipped my drink. I think I finally understood why he and Hotch were so concerned for us, or at least somewhat understood. I had realised that JJ and I were only drinking so much because we were drinking our problems away, a temporary fix to a long-term problem. We're making it worse on ourselves and I had only noticed today when I got back to Rossi's, and I don't think she had realised yet. I had been contemplating all evening whether I should talk to her or not, but I had a bad day and I really just needed to forget for a while. I'd leave it for tonight and maybe talk to her tomorrow. We were in this together now, so if one of us was going to consider stopping with the excessive alcohol, we were both going to consider it.

Savannah and Garcia came back with shots and places two in front of everyone else and four in front of me. "Now hold on, why do I have double?" I asked.

"Because JJ has a question and you need to be drunk to answer it. We also have drinks coming." Garcia replied casually.

"Okay, see, it's not even our fault," I looked at Rossi and Hotch, "Those two _make_ us alcoholics."

"Well I'm glad that you can now admit that you're an alcoholic." Hotch said quietly before drinking some of his beer. I smirked and shrugged my shoulders before looking at JJ. We lifted out first shots and waited for the others to as well, and they drank their two at my pace before I drank my next two. Straight vodka went down well with me nowadays.

After a few drinks and a few dances, the MC roiled the crowd up and I knew it was Mason who would be coming up next. He was the most popular male stripper here, and some of the regular women here didn't like me solely because they knew that I had dated him once upon a time. Well, I don't know if "dated" was the right term. Others thought we were but we never really settled where we sat with each other, we just slept together a lot and went out a few times for drinks or lunch or something.

"Who do you think it is? Because that guy is trying really hard to make a name for him." Garcia said.

"It's Mason." I said casually, slowly stirring the straw around in my drink.

"How do you know it's him?" Savannah asked curiously.

"Because he's the most popular male stripper here and that MC, his nickname is Rocky, always tries his hardest to get the crowd going for him."

"How often do you come here?" Reid asked.

I stopped stirring and looked up. A small smirk played on my lips as I sat back in my seat, "I'd rather not say…"

I heard the MC yell out his introduction of Mason just a second before the music started playing. I laughed out loud when 'Ba Bump' by the Black Eyed Peas started playing. The curtains pulled and he walked onto the stage. I watched as he danced across the stage, removing his clothing one piece at a time. I felt eyes on me after a while and I looked at JJ, Reid, Hotch, and Rossi. "What?"

"You're biting your lip and twirling your hair." JJ laughed. I quickly dropped the piece of hair I was holding back to my shoulder and sipped my drink. She shook her head, "I never did understand how you got over him. Now I get it; you never _did_ get over him."

"I did," I disagreed, "I am over him. He is long gone, history, never to be slept with again."

"…After tonight." Garcia said, smirking at me. I didn't even know she was listening.

"I'm living with Rossi at the moment, and I am not bringing someone back there with me. For both Rossi's sake and my own."

"Yeah, but he has a place too." JJ smirked.

"I don't go to guys places very often, JJ. You know that."

"Yeah, because you're too cautious. Live a little."

"Wouldn't it be more dangerous to take men to your place?" Reid asked, "When you take them to your place, they know where you live, how to get in, where things are in your apartment."

"But if I go to their place, they could have a basement waiting for me…"

"I guess nothing is really safe." Reid nodded, thinking about it.

"…Okay, you are putting _way_ too much thought into that." I laughed.

"But Emily, live a little." JJ repeated with a wink.

"Not with Mason." I shook my head. She rolled her eyes and looked back to Mason as he danced. He did it so well, it always sent me spiralling into memories and sometimes even fantasies, depending on how long it had been since I got some, and lately, I was not getting any. His dance ended too quickly for my liking, but something felt different this time around watching him. I hadn't been here or seen Mason since Chris, and just didn't seem to have the same full effect as he used to. When I considered why, my mind went to Hotch. _Not again._ I thought I successfully got over that, but when I saw him tonight, actually enjoying himself and not chiming into anything after the alcoholic comment or Rossi's suggestion for JJ and I to slow down, a fire lit inside of me again and I tried my best to suppress it. I stood to get the next round of drinks.

* * *

 _"She is suffering but no one knows that because she hides that some place deep inside, because the last thing she wants is pity." - JmStorm_


	25. Chapter 25

**Prentiss**

Female and male strippers danced, some in joint performances, some solo, and then the MC stood back up and caught my attention with his first sentence.

"Has anyone here ever seen Magic Mike?" He asked the crowd. I heard high pitched squeals in reply to him, and some male voices cheered too. That's what I loved about this place, all sexualities were welcome. "Well how about Magic Mike XXL?" Cheers and squeals again. "Remember the last dance with Channing Tatum? We have a re-enactment tonight for you lovely ladies and lads." He jumped down from the stage and picked a female from the crowd; I assumed he was choosing at random.

I laughed to myself and looked at JJ, "Remember when I said it would be like some Magic Mike shit? Turns out I wasn't wrong." She laughed too.

He walked closer to our table and I got a sick feeling when I saw him looking at me out the corner of my eye, "And just like in that movie…Emily, I've heard about you." He walked over and grabbed my hand before I could take if off the table. He pulled me up and I shook my head but he didn't listen. He walked me up the stage and told me to sit in the vacant chair. I hesitated but I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of the whole audience, so I sat down unwillingly. "You saw these two earlier." He said before he walked off the stage quickly. It went dark, only party lights flashing in red, pink, blue, and white. 112's 'Anywhere' started playing then, and Mason and another male stripper walked up onto the stage. Of course it was Mason. If I remembered the movie correctly, not a thing was out of place. 'All The Time' played next, the version used in the movie, and it was hard to keep my small moans and breaths in as he danced around me so seductively, bending me over and thrusting. Pullout's 'Cookie' played, the mashup matching the movie. When he pulled my head up by my hair and spun me over, it reminded me of our rough nights together, and I laughed so hard when he lay me sideways and pretended to thrust in and out. It was embarrassing, knowing the team was watching me up here. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just the girls, but Reid, the poor boy was so young and seemed to innocent. Morgan would be shocked that I even "allowed" this to happen and he would never let me live it down. Rossi would not be very pleased with seeing his daughter up here being made out to be almost like a sexual object, not that it bothered me much. Hotch was my boss, and he was watching his…well…former subordinate up here, being humped and flipped and stripped upon. I think I felt the most awkward because I knew that if it were…say…Hotch and I in a room, and no one else was around, and he started something like this…I wouldn't exactly object. I smiled to myself, thinking about how unbelievable that thought was; Hotch would never do anything even remotely like this and especially not with me.

When he dragged me across the ground and moved across the stage, forcing me into jumping up and down on his lap, I caught a glimpse of the team. They all seemed like they were enjoying seeing my misery up here. Hotch and Rossi seemed like they were trying not to watch, but I didn't miss the look in Hotch's eyes. It was just a second, but I saw anger, protectiveness, but I also saw an unwilling force keeping his eyes on me.

Mason swapped with the other stripper briefly, but he came right back to me and pulled me to my knees. He hooked my fingers in the waist band of his jeans. "Rip them off on three, okay?" He was smirking at me as he started counting. I didn't want to do it, but I wasn't going to mess up his performance. Once his pants were off and I was kneeling with my head in my hands in a small fit of laughter, he scooped me up. 'All I Do Is Win' played and the lights came back on as he carried me around. After humping me only once more, he put me down.

"Enjoy that?" He smirked as I faced him.

"My family is here, so thank you for that." I shook my head and spoke louder so he'd hear me over the music. He laughed and spun me around, pointing at me to draw a cheer from the crowd for me. I shook my head and pushed him back away from me playfully. I walked off the stage and down the steps off the side before making my way back to the table of my team. All but Hotch and Rossi cheered as I met them again and I dropped my head into my hands as I sat back in my seat.

"I saw some chemistry up there." Savannah teased before the five of them laughed.

"Did that hurt when he pulled your head up by your hair? Because it looked painful." Garcia said.

"I know what she can handle, right gorgeous?" I heard Mason's voice behind me.

I groaned and dropped my head again, "Please go away."

"What a place to bring your family…although I'm guessing this is your team," He had his head resting on my left shoulder and I saw him look to Garcia, "But she likes it rough, trust me, I know."

"Oh my god! Stop talking!" The five of them laughed again. Rossi shifted uncomfortably in his seat and a small amused smirk played on Hotch's lips, although when I glanced, it seemed forced.

"Have you got any single guys back there?" JJ asked, sitting forwards, resting her right elbow on the table and her chin in her right hand.

"For you, princess, we sure do," He looked at Garcia, "What about you, beautiful?" Garcia smiled but she didn't reply, she just laughed and looked at me and then JJ.

JJ nodded, "Yeah, she wants one too."

Mason looked to Savannah and Morgan but he saw their linked hands and dismissed them. He looked towards Reid, Hotch, and Rossi, "I'm not seeing rings, should I bring three lovely women out?"

"No, thank you." Rossi shook his head. Hotch declined, and so did Reid.

"Alright, I'll get right on it." He winked at JJ and Garcia before standing. I caught his hand and stood up, walking a few steps away from the table.

"The younger guy that said no last, get him a lap dance for me?"

"On the house, gorgeous." He smirked and then walked towards the backstage. I smiled and sat back down with the team.

All three girls were smirking at me, "You're totally going home with him tonight." JJ said.

I smiled again but I looked down to try and hide it. I shook my hair to fall over my face and I became very interested in my drink again. I started stirring the straw around again. Garcia giggled, "Yeah you are."

"I hate myself." I laughed.

* * *

Reid didn't talk to me for about a half hour after his lap dance, but he gave in and started laughing at my jokes and shooting humorous snide comments back. I danced with the girls and Morgan, I danced with Mason and I let him dance dirty despite knowing that the team was watching. After a few hours, the place was beginning to slow down a bit with people leaving, and the team decided to go home too. JJ and Garcia had both hit it off well with the two men that Mason had brought out for them and I was sure that the two would be hooking up tonight. I tried to fight my temptation, but ended up going home with Mason, much to Rossi's displeasure.

I called a cab from Mason's apartment before he woke and I caught it back to Rossi's. When the driver pulled up the driveway, I stepped out and I heard the front door open behind me. I turned and looked at Rossi; he looked pissed. He walked down the steps and to the driver's window, "How much?" He paid for me and motioned for me to go inside.

"Thank you." I said as he walked inside behind me and closed the front door, "…You're mad at me."

"You drank a lot last night, and then you left without a word to anyone with a man who we don't even know."

"…Rossi, it's just like when I go out with the girls and go home with someone else that I met that night."

"You tell JJ where you're going when you do that. You told no one last night, you just left."

"Okay, I appreciate the concern, but you're too paranoid and I can handle my own. You're kind of really out of line right now."

He shook his head, "You know how delicate things are right now, Emily."

"Rossi, I've known him for a long time," I nodded, "I dated him once upon a time. It's all cool." I walked away from him and into the living room where I saw the silent team. I smirked at JJ and Garcia, "You get lucky?" I looked between them. Henry ran out with Jack chasing behind him from the kitchen.

JJ motioned to her son, "I am not even kidding you, I was lying on the bed and he was about to…" She paused and glanced at the four men in the room before returning her eyes to me, "And then Will called."

"Oh, that sucks," I put my bag down and sat, "Why'd he call so late?"

She rolled her eyes, "I don't know, something about someone in a hospital somewhere. I was too disappointed to listen to the details."

"It sounds so heartless when you say it like that." Savannah shook her head.

"Don't you have a shift?" JJ shot her a glare before they both smiled and laughed.

"What about you, Pen?" I asked.

She smirked at me but she didn't speak. I raised my eyebrows and held my hand out. She high fived me and we both laughed.

I looked back to JJ, "How long are you here?"

"Uh…" She looked at her watch, "I have to take Henry to a playdate in a while. Why?"

"I need to talk to you." I said as I stood up. I motioned for her to follow me and she stood.

"Please don't tell me that you're pregnant." She joked as she followed me through to the kitchen. We both laughed as I opened the back door and walked out. She closed it behind her and I walked to the nearby metal table and chairs beneath a tree. I sat and waited for her to sit too. She turned more serious now, "What's going on, Em? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything is fine…I just need to talk to you about something. You're probably going to get defensive and upset and I totally get it because I did for ages too, but you know how Rossi and Hotch keep drilling into us about how much we've been drinking recently?" She gave me a questioning look and nodded. "Well I think that I'm starting to understand…kind of…what they're talking about. JJ, we're drinking away our problems. We're trying to forget them but we're not solving anything."

She sat up straighter, "What problem do I have to forget?"

"…JJ, I know that Will's absence is talking a huge toll on you."

"I'm not drinking to forget anything, Emily. I'm drinking to have fun while I'm out. That's what you're supposed to do."

I shook my head, "How do you expect to provide an appropriate home for Henry when you go out every night you can, come home with hangovers and men, and have different types of empty alcohol bottles around? It's tough JJ, I know, but it's not okay…for either of us. It's not just you, it's me as well."

She shook her head and stood up, "Do not try and tell me how to raise my son."

"JJ." I stood and followed her. She went back inside and to the living room. I heard her call for Henry as I walked in behind her, "JJ, come on."

She turned around, "I don't need your input on what I do outside of work, or how I raise my son. Henry!"

I wanted to stop there and not bring anything up in front of the team, but she wasn't going to listen again after she left this room with Henry. He ran out and she told him to say goodbye to everyone. "JJ, listen to me."

"You don't have a kid, Emily. You don't know the first thing about parenting a child." She said as she took a step back. She pushed Henry gently to walk out of the room and she turned to leave into the foyer.

"JJ, Will wants to take custody." I said before she could leave. The team was silent and looking between us.

She turned slowly and stared at me, "What?"

I hesitated and looked down, "He called me a few nights ago…and he's worried about you. Specifically about your drinking and how it could be affecting your safety at work and your relationship with Henry. He said that he wanted me to talk to you and that if in the next few weeks, you don't slow down and Henry keeps coming back to his place with stories about mummy's bad drinks, mummy's unknown men, mummy's headaches…then he's going to fight for full custody."

She stood completely still and silent for a few seconds before she shook her head, "He can't do that."

"Yeah he can, JJ." Morgan said quietly, looking at her. She looked down and hesitated before Henry called for her. She turned quickly and walked out quickly after him. I heard the front door open and close and I let out a breath.

Garcia looked at me, "Are you serious? You weren't just saying that to get through to her?"

I shook my head, "He wanted me to get through to her…and I kind of got through to myself too," I looked at Rossi and Hotch, "Sorry for being so difficult."

"Are you acknowledging that your alcoholism is a serious problem?" Hotch asked me. I nodded. "Are you going to stop drinking?"

"Well…I don't know about _stop_ …but I'll slow down?" I bit my lip.

Hotch glanced at Rossi, "It's a start." Rossi said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Right…well now it's down to JJ." Morgan said.

"Good luck." I nodded and grabbed my bag. I walked out of the room and up the staircase. I was exhausted and I didn't sleep much at all last night. Every time Mason and I thought about going to sleep, we just had another round instead. It was a fun night but there was no way I'd go back to seeing him; we never got along. I put my bag down and stripped my dress off. I threw on a pair of cotton shorts and a long sleeve shirt before lying under the covers in bed. I closed my eyes and fell asleep almost instantly.


	26. Chapter 26

**I'm so sorry! I was going to do my best to start updating daily again like I used to but then I went away for the week to the Blue Mountains for a school excursion. It was fun though!**

 **I know this is a bit slow and no way near as good as some of my previous works, and I hope that I will write better ones that I have in the future. I'm trying, I'm just failing :')**

 **-A xx**

 **P** **rentiss**

I had ignored all of Mason's calls and I had avoided the topic with the team when they asked who was calling and why I wasn't answering. I was almost certain that Morgan caught on after the second call, but all he did was smirk at me; he didn't say anything about it. Garcia didn't call the guy she had gone home with either; she said that he was just a fun night and nothing more. JJ hadn't come back around to Rossi's all week since I tried to talk to her.

I looked at the date on my phone and then opened my calendar. I counted the days and realised that I was late again…I had missed three previous periods and I knew that I wasn't pregnant. This would be my fourth, and I was five days late. I was sitting with the team and waiting for one thirty to come. I had an appointment booked at the doctors for two-thirty and I was sitting restlessly.

"Why won't you tell me where you're going that has you so freaked?" Garcia asked me for the third time.

"Because it doesn't concern any of you. It's my thing, I will handle my thing on my own, thank you." I stood up and grabbed my bag. I would just leave early then, I guess. My car had broken down a few days ago and the mechanics called this morning; they couldn't fix it, it was gone for good. Rossi was now lending me one of his three cars. He had the old classic one of which he hardly drove, he had a black 2014 Buick Lacrosse to which he was lending me, and he had his car that he drove the most, his midnight blue Mercedes-Benz S600 Guard. They were his babies.

"How long will you be?" Rossi asked.

I looked at my watch, "I don't know; I'll probably be back around four-thirty, five. I'll call if it takes longer than I'm predicting." I was giving the doctor an hour, and then another hour to get home. I kissed his cheek as I walked past and went to the foyer. I took the Buick keys from the hooks near the door and walked out of the house. It was a warm day, but there was a cold breeze. I may have put more weight on since I got back, but I hadn't put on a lot, so the weather still felt cooler to me. I walked to the garage and stepped into the car. I pressed the small button that opened the doors behind me and I pulled out onto the driveway. I felt like I had my life together when I drove out of the garage in this car. I just ignored the fact that I was on my way to the doctor's office because I had missed three consecutive periods and that it wasn't my car or my garage.

My phone rang again as I drove towards town in the direction of the doctor's office and I hooked it to the Bluetooth "Prentiss."

"Very professional. You're answering my calls now?"

"…Mason." I silently cursed myself for answering without checking.

"Why are you avoiding me, gorgeous?"

"Because that night was a mistake that I don't want to make again." I didn't know how else to say it.

"Well if it was a mistake, why did you go home with me?"

"Because I was drunk and you made that MC take me up on stage and it was...nostalgic."

"Well give me a call if you change your mind…or you're just bored one night."

I smiled to myself, "Bye Mason."

"See you gorgeous." He hung up and I shook my head. He could do to me what no other guy had done since Doyle…but I couldn't drag him along; not when I was around Hotch. Hotch was the one man in the world I knew that I couldn't possibly have and that hurt. It hurt every time I looked at him, spoke to him, saw his smile or heard his laugh, but he used to be my boss, he would be my boss again when I went back to work at the BAU, and it just wasn't allowed.

I made myself forget about Hotch and I glanced behind me at the bag in the back. It contained my gym clothes, and I still had a half hour before I needed to even leave Rossi's. I had been working out a lot and it had been aiding in my weight loss. I changed my course and went towards the gym instead. By the time I got there, I had about a half hour before I'd have to leave here, so I got out of my car quickly and went to the change room straight away. I got changed and set to work.

My alarm went off after about twenty minutes of full force exercise and I turned it off as I walked back towards the change rooms. I had a very quick shower and got changed back into my casual wear. I was running a few minutes late as I walked out to my car. I threw the bag in the back and drove towards the doctor's office.

* * *

I sat in my car in complete silence. A few tears fell down my cheeks as I stared out the window to the parking lot. The doctor had called it Amenorrhea and prescribed Oestradiol, a steroid, estrogen medication. It was supposed to assist in the regulation of my menstrual cycle, and the doctor had also given me a reference to a local psychologist. My problems now were that without working, I was running out of my saved money and I wouldn't be able to afford the medication and the appointments. I took a deep breath and starting the ignition. I drove to the closest pharmacy and bought the first fill of the Oestradiol; at least I could afford the first, and then I drove back to Rossi's.

I pulled into the garage and parked the car. I closed the garage doors, grabbed my bag and medication, and stepped out of the car. I made my way out of the garage and to the house; the team was still here. I took a deep breath and opened the front door. I hung the keys and sighed to myself as I walked towards the living room.

"Hey, you're right on time." Rossi smiled.

I looked at my watch and nodded, "Appears so." It was about quarter to five.

His smile dropped, "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, "Nothing, I'm fine." I sounded tired and when I looked in the mirror as I walked past, I saw the faint red ring around my eyes from the previous tears. I looked worn out, too.

"…Okay, well the team is staying for dinner."

I nodded, "Okay." I guess I wouldn't be talking to Rossi tonight. I knew I would have to tell him eventually, but I was grateful that it wouldn't be tonight. Maybe I could just talk to Morgan, but he'd tell Rossi and Hotch and I couldn't deal with all three of them on my back.

I walked through with my bag and the bag from the pharmacy; I hoped none of them would find it suspicious. I went out of the living room and upstairs to my room. I dropped my bag and the medication on the bed before walking through to the ensuite. I stood in front of the basin and stared at myself in the mirror. I moved my hair out of my face to sit behind my ears and shook my head. I saw Savannah walk into the room through the open bathroom door and she walked to the door, standing against the doorway.

"What's going on, Em? You look terrible." We looked at each other through the mirror.

I shook my head and took a breath, "It's nothing to worry about; I'll be fine." I smiled gratefully at her.

She hesitated but she nodded, "Okay, well Rossi's going to start dinner in a few."

I nodded. She turned to walk out but I stopped her before she left my bedroom, "Hey Savannah?" She walked back to the door and waited for me to speak again, "Um…can you please tell Rossi that I ate before I came home and I'm probably just going to go to bed?"

She stood straighter, "Did you _really_ eat before you came home?"

I looked down, "No…but I'm not hungry at all and he won't believe me if I say that. Please, just this once? I'm really not hungry." I shook my head.

She bit her lip as she looked back at me through the mirror. "Just this once, and I better not regret lying for you."

I smiled, "Thank you."

She nodded, "Are you going to bed now?"

"I'm just going to take a shower first."

She nodded again, "Okay." She turned and I closed the ensuite door. I bit my lip to keep my sob back as a few tears fell from my eyes again. I started the water and undressed. I stood in the shower for an unnecessary amount of time and watched blood mix with the water and swirl down the drain before I decided to get out. I dried myself slowly, changed into a pair of sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt, and tied my hair up. I opened the door and jumped, startled by Hotch's presence in my bedroom. He was sitting on my bed, waiting for me patiently.

"Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing in here?"

"Waiting," He stood up, "Come downstairs and eat something. Savannah isn't a very good liar. You might not feel hungry, but you haven't eaten all day and Dave was letting it slide because he knew something was off, but you still need to take care of yourself."

"I know, Hotch; I'm just not hungry." I shook my head. My heart thumped hard as his features softened and he tilted his head slightly.

"Please?" He asked quietly. I sighed and walked to the bed. I moved the pharmacy bag that contained my medication and quickly put it in the top drawer of my nightstand. I moved my bag too and stopped when he spoke again. "Emily, you're starting to worry us again. Please, just ease our concern for tonight and have something to eat? I understand if you're not ready to talk about where you disappeared too…I'm going to guess some kind of specialist appointment considering the pharmacy bag, and I'm not going to force the information out of you, but please just come downstairs, have something to eat, socialise a bit? We've been seeing less and less of you recently."

"Why do you even care so much? I'm not your agent anymore." I turned and looked at him. My irritation disappeared instantly when my eyes met his again.

"Because you are my family, and you are my friend, and I still consider you a part of our team. None of us are ever going to stop caring about you. You're struggling and we want to help you, but we cannot help until you let us. All I am asking of you right now is that you take care of yourself."

I turned and put my phone down with a sigh. I walked past him, "Fine." He thanked me quietly and followed me out of the bedroom and downstairs. When I walked into the kitchen and dining, two plates sat in front of two unoccupied chairs. The others were all already sitting and talking but no one had started eating yet; I guess they were waiting for Hotch and I.

I returned Garcia's smile and sat down beside her where she motioned for me to. Hotch sat beside Reid across from me and we glanced at each other before I looked down. He knew something was up and as much as I didn't want to, I was going to tell him; I wouldn't be able to stop myself from revealing it to him. He wanted to know and he always got the answers he wanted, so I may as well cooperate and tell him instead of living through the whirlwind of interrogation, overprotection, disappointment, and irritation. I'm sure it'll be better for everyone…or at least I could keep telling myself that.

* * *

After we ate, I went upstairs and claimed to be going to the bathroom, but I was just emptying my stomach of the once enjoyable pasta. Now I didn't know if I'd ever be able to eat it again. I rinsed my mouth out, washed my hands, and brushed my teeth quickly before I returned downstairs. I sat with the team in the living room for a while. They had a few drinks, I had two before Hotch hinted at me to stop, and so I did. I was exhausted and all I wanted was to go to sleep for a few days, but I knew that Hotch and Rossi wanted me to communicate, stop isolating myself for even just a night, so I stayed down here.

Eventually, the team decided to leave, and Jack was spending the night with Reid and Garcia. Apparently they had a slumber party planned. They all said goodbye to Rossi, Hotch, and I and left.

Hotch and Rossi sat in front of me in silence for a few minutes and I sat with my head resting on my clasped hands, my elbows resting on my knees. I was contemplating whether to speak or not. After another few minutes, Rossi sighed, "I guess we'll go drink some scotch if you don't want to share."

I listened as the two of them stood and walked towards the dining room, but just before they left the room, I shook my head and lifted it, "Wait." They both stopped and they both looked at me, relief in their eyes. "…I haven't been entirely truthful with you lately." I said quietly. They moved back and sat down, Hotch on the couch across from me and Rossi in the armchair beside Hotch.

"I…uh…I should have told you both about seeing and hearing Chris, and I know that and I am sorry that I didn't. There is… _so_ much stuff that I've kept you in the dark about and I'm sorry in advance… _so,_ so sorry, but I only lied and kept it from you because I didn't want to burden you with my stupid problems and I thought I could handle it on my own. I have realised now how wrong I was; I am deteriorating by the day." I shook my head.

"We've noticed…" Rossi said quietly.

"I just wanted to be able to do something on my own." I shook my head again and dropped my head, wiping the tears as soon as they dripped from my eyes.

"Emily, you do know that we're here to _help_ you, right? We're not just here to watch you help yourself." Hotch said.

"I know." I nodded. I looked up again when I heard the front door open and close quickly. I looked to the archway and saw JJ walk through.

"Did you know?" She asked me.

"What?"

"Did you know?" She repeated.

"…I could answer that question better if I knew what it was that I may or may not know…"

"Do you know what these are?" She held up a brown envelope, "Divorce papers. They're divorce papers. Did you know?" She asked for the third time slowly and forcefully.

My lips resembled an 'O' and I shook my head, "I had no idea; he never said anything about that to me, JJ." I looked into her eyes, and although the tears made them red and bloodshot, I could still tell that she had been drinking. I sighed and stood up, "Come on." I motioned for her to follow me and I walked up the staircase and to my bedroom. She walked in behind me and I closed the door. I grabbed a towel from underneath the basin in the ensuite and gave it to her, "Shower and bed."

"What?"

"You tried to drink it away again, Jayje. I know that it's easier than dealing with it, but sometimes it's better to hurt than to forget." I spoke softly. She looked down as tears filled her eyes again, but she just nodded and took the towel. "You can borrow some clothes too, if you want."

"Thanks." She said quietly. I hugged her and then walked back out, closing the bedroom door behind me. I walked back downstairs and sat down in front of them again. I dropped my head into my hands and sighed.

"You are taking on way too much for one person," Rossi said quietly, "You can't keep taking on her problems while you're struggling with your own. It's one thing to support someone through their problems, it's another to take their problems on as your own."

I looked at him, "You want me to just let her handle it on her own?"

He shook his head, "Maybe you should just step back a bit so she doesn't depend on you so heavily."

"Rossi, all she needs is someone that she _can_ depend on. It's fine; it's a nice distraction. But I lost the courage to talk to you so I'll try again tomorrow." I stood up again and walked through to the kitchen. I retrieved a glass and filled it with water. I sipped slowly and jumped when I heard Hotch speak behind me.

"Emily."

I turned and looked at him, "You've got to stop doing that."

"Should we be worried?"

I tilted my head before looking away and shaking my head, "I don't know."

"I'll take that as a yes." He nodded. He walked back out and I finished the water before rinsing the cup out. I walked back the living room and kissed Rossi's cheek on my way through. I said goodnight to them as I left the room and went up to my room. JJ was in the shower so I'd wait for her to finish before I turned the light out and went to bed; she'd probably want to talk about it anyway. She didn't seem angry with me after I assured her that I wasn't aware. I hated that Will was doing this to her, changing her so drastically, but then I knew that really it was on JJ; she was in the wrong to begin with. I still felt sorry for her though, I could definitely sympathise with her; Chris had changed me into what felt like an entirely new person too and it was too painful to bear on my own so I was always going to be here to help JJ through anything she needed. That's just what friends do.

* * *

 _"No one has ever become poor by giving." - Anne Frank_


	27. Chapter 27

**Prentiss**

JJ had apologised to Hotch, Rossi, and I this morning when she woke late and came down to us in the living room. Hotch talked to her for a while in the dining room and I sat with Rossi in the living room, successfully avoiding the topic that I knew he was thinking about. I drank my coffee and kept my eyes on the book in my hands. After about a half hour, JJ and Hotch walked out. Hotch sat down and JJ said goodbye before leaving, probably to get Henry.

"It's Monday; you don't have work?" I asked the two men sitting across from me.

"I got us another day off; our last case wasn't easy. Given what's going on with JJ and with you, I figured it was needed." Hotch replied.

I nodded and looked back down to my book. Silence fell for a few minutes before Rossi spoke, "Emily, you shouldn't need to be _brave_ to talk to us."

"Oh, I really do, because you're going to be _really_ mad at me."

"Can you please just tell us?"

I sighed and closed my book. I put it and my coffee mug on the table between the couches. "Promise not to yell at me?"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." I nodded.

He sighed, "Fine. I promise not to yell at you."

I looked at Hotch and raised my eyebrows. He nodded and I knew that I wouldn't get a worded promise; a nod was enough. "Okay, well I know why I haven't been gaining my weight back…"

"And that is?" Rossi raised his eyebrows.

I took a breath, "Have either of you ever heard of EDNOS?" They both shook their heads and waited silently for an explanation, "It stands for 'eating disorder not otherwise specified'. It's actually really common, but I didn't know what it was either until the doctor said that it's the category I fit the best under. It's an eating disorder that doesn't meet the criteria for anorexia, bulimia, or binge-eating disorder. They don't actually use the term medically anymore, they just diagnose you with the closest of the three more accurate terms."

"…So which are you diagnosed with?" Rossi asked quietly.

I hesitated and looked down, "Bulimia."

"So the doctor diagnosed you yesterday?"

"No, I was diagnosed a few weeks ago. Yesterday was just about a symptom."

"Why bulimia and not anorexia?"

"Because I'm not as underweight as someone with anorexia typically is and I don't starve myself. I show more symptoms of bulimia, like self-harm, constant sore throat…vomiting after meals…"

"I knew there was something unusual about you going to the bathroom after _every_ time you ate."

I nodded, "But I don't binge-eat or anything like that. The symptoms that align with both disorders that I have are dehydration, weakness, missed periods, and mood related things like anxiety, guilt, etcetera."

Silence fell for a minute or two and I sat picking at my nails as I waited for them to process what I had just told them. Hotch broke the painful silence eventually, "You should have told us sooner. You should have asked for help as soon as it started."

"I'm not asking for help now," I shook my head, "I just thought that you'd want to know."

"But you said that you realised you can't handle it all on your own." Rossi said.

"…The fact that you both know is enough for me to _not_ be handling it on my own," They both gave me questioning looks so I elaborated, "If I need to talk about it or I need help with something, I know that I can get it now. Anyway, my doctor prescribed medication to help out with the menstrual cycle and referred me to a psychologist."

Hotch was looking down and to his right, avoiding my eyes. Rossi bit his lip but he sat up, "Okay, and how do you intend to pay for the medication and the psychologist appointments?"

"Do you remember that bar we went to after my apartment burnt down? Well they've offered me a job before they knew I was an FBI agent. I'll call and see if the offer still stands. If it doesn't, then I'll look elsewhere."

"…Or you could go back to MedStar." Hotch said quietly.

I shook my head, "No. They didn't help the first time, they're not going to help the second. I'll try the psychologist, but I am an adult and I am _choosing_ to tell you about this, so you cannot send me away again."

"You forgave us last time…"

"And I won't this time. Hotch, that place might have helped while I was there, but if I go back I won't be let out again. And you know as well as I do that staying in a place like that is suicide for me. While suicide doesn't sound overly ridiculous to me right now, I feel as though the two of you might not appreciate it so much."

"Are you trying to tell us that you're suicidal?" Rossi asked.

"No, I'm telling you that I probably will be if I go back to MedStar." Silence fell again as the two of them looked at each other as if to tell the other to say something. "And in saying all that I have, I need to ask that neither of you say a word about any of this to the others."

"They should know." Rossi raised his eyebrows.

"And they will. I will tell them when I feel it is necessary for them to know." I looked between the both of them and they nodded. I could see in his eyes that Rossi was upset, disappointed, and felt helpless. Hotch was angry but he was trying to keep that back; he was concerned and upset.

"So…yeah, that is what has been going on with me. If we're done talking about this…I'm going out with the girls tonight…"

"Emily." Hotch looked at me with irritated eyes.

"Okay, chill," I raised my eyebrows, "We're only going to have a few drinks. There's just a lot we all need to talk about."

"Can't you do that here?" Rossi asked.

"…You want four women in your house venting about their boy troubles?"

"I would rather that then having you and JJ out unsupervised."

I tilted my head, "Pen and Savannah with be there to "supervise" us. I already told you, I'm going to slow down."

"And JJ?" Hotch raised his eyebrows.

"…She's struggling a lot, okay? Cut her some slack."

* * *

I walked into the psychology building just two days after the referral from my doctor. I went to the reception desk and then sat in the waiting room for a while before Doctor Nicol called me in. I spoke with her for about an hour before she dismissed me. I paid the reduced cost due to my health insurance at reception and walked out of the building. Rossi had insisted on dropping me off and picking me up just to ensure that I was actually going. I waited out the front and exchanged a few texts with JJ before I heard the car horn. I looked up and locked my phone before slipping it in my pocket and standing straight from the lean I had been on against the wall. I saw Hotch in the car too; great. I took a few steps and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Chris standing by the car door behind Rossi.

" _You know that they're going to betray you, right? They're not going to respect your wishes. The moment you let your guard down, you're off to an institution. You can't trust them, my dear_ ," He spoke to me. His figure leant against the car, " _Oh, and your psychologist? She's judging you more than ever. I wouldn't go back if I were you._ "

I shook my head, "You're not real. You're not really here."

" _And yet you're talking to me. I'll give it to you, you didn't run away this time_." He nodded.

"Get out of my life." I walked around to the other side of the car instead and stepped in behind Hotch.

"Everything okay?" Rossi asked hesitantly. His window was down; they would have heard me. He glanced behind the car and then back to me, "Who were you talking to? No one is there…" He knew; I knew he knew.

"I know." I said quietly, looking out the window to avoid both his eyes and Hotch's.

"…Did you talk about that today?"

"That is confidential." I dismissed his question quickly.

He sighed as he pulled the car into reverse and pulled out of the parking space, "Home or somewhere else first?"

"The bar that you two hate so much, please." I said quietly.

"It's two thirty in the afternoon…"

"I'm not going there to drink." I looked at him and raised my eyebrows.

"We don't like the idea of you working there…or in any bar." Hotch said.

"That appointment I just had, it was a hundred bucks. My medication the other day was sixty. I have two refills of that medication and I have god knows how many more appointments…"

"One hundred? I thought your health insurance reduced the price?" Rossi looked at me over his shoulder as he drove out of the parking lot.

"It does; it halves it. The appointment was originally two hundred."

"Wow, she must be good," He said. I snickered and looked out the window in silence. "Did you find it easy to talk to her? Do you like her?" He asked, trying to get me to talk a bit more.

"She did most of the talking…and do I like her? Do I like anyone anymore?"

"You could _try_ …" He sounded irritated.

I bit my lip and looked back out the window without replying. He had been becoming less and less patient with me recently and I didn't blame him; I was difficult to talk to, I was difficult to understand, and I'd bet he found it difficult to watch me clearly struggle and still push him away. I hadn't missed all the extra stress he was dealing with lately. Having to deal with the job and with me at the same time, that was definitely not easy, and he was doing it virtually alone. Reid and Garcia wouldn't want to get too involved in anything, Morgan had tried but I couldn't trust him now after he opened his mouth, Savannah definitely had not known me long enough or well enough, JJ had her own issues to sort out, and Hotch had his job, much more difficult than everyone else's, and he had Jack.

It was now that I decided what I needed to drop the announcement to him, "I'm moving out." I said quietly after about five minutes of silence. I talked about it the other night with the girls and JJ was quick to offer her place; she felt so alone when Henry wasn't around. I felt the car slow slightly and saw him pull off the side of the road. He turned and stared at me. "…What?" I questioned.

"You're what now?"

I looked down, "…I'm moving out."

"And where do you expect to be moving to?" Hotch asked, looking at me through the side mirror.

"…JJ needs me—"

"No." Rossi cut me off.

"Rossi, I'm not—"

"You are not moving in with JJ. She can move in with us if she wants, I have no problem with her or Henry being there, but the two of you are not living alone together; it'll end in a double suicide or something." He mumbled the last sentence but I heard it and it lit a fire of anger inside of me. I was angry at him for thinking such a thing, for thinking that JJ and I would just give up and leave the team like that, but I was also so angry at myself for giving him any sort of reason to think or say that. I unclicked my seatbelt quickly and stepped out of the car with my bag on my arm. I walked onto the side walk and started walking away from the car.

"Emily, wait," Hotch called, "That was smooth, Dave. Really, nicely done." I heard him say behind me.

"Emily," I heard Rossi run after me and I stopped when I felt his hand touch my arm, "I'm sorry, Emily." He shook his head.

"Why would you even say that to me?"

"I'm sorry, I was just irritated and I'm worried and—"

"Yeah, Dave…you're always worried. That's why I'm moving out," I blinked to keep my tears from falling but he was looking at them in my eyes. His features softened and he sighed, realising that even though it was just one unharmful sentence, it still upset me. "I am too much for you…for _any_ of you to handle while you're working and dealing with your own shit. JJ's suspended, yeah, she told me, and she listens to me without getting all protective and demanding, and her problems distract me from my own. I'm stressing you out, I'm ruining the life you built for yourself here, and JJ needs me…you don't."

"I do," He disagreed, "You're not ruining anything and I don't mean to get too protective or demanding. I didn't realise that I was, and I will try to be better and listen to you more. You're not too much to handle and you don't stress me out any more than I was before you lived with me. Emily, I just…" He paused and took a breath, "I just want you and JJ to be safe and you know that if the two of you lived together with no one else around, it would be a black hole of despair. I'm sorry, but you know that it will be."

"Okay look, I love you, Rossi, I do, and I am so grateful for everything that you have done for me. I don't know how I will every repay you, I don't even know if I can, but I will do my best to. But I can't stay in your house anymore," I shook my head, "I've noticed that when I stay in one place for too long, and the time differs depending on the place, then Chris comes back more frequently. I can't deal with that, Rossi, I can't, and he's been popping up all over your house nearly every day…sometimes twice a day. It sucks, and I'm trying to do my best to make you proud of me like you used to be, but I can't be in your house anymore, at least for not for a little while. I need a break."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He questioned.

"Because I didn't want you to worry anymore and I didn't want you to think that anything going on was your fault."

"Stay with Aaron then." He said quietly.

I groaned, "Rossi—"

"Please," He cut me off, "Please, Emily."

I shook my head, "You didn't even ask him."

"He'll be fine with it."

"Will he? Because if I had a kid, I would do everything I could to keep someone as messed up as me away from them. I'm not good company for Jack."

"Then you're not good company for Henry either. You're running out of options, kid," He raised his eyebrows. I sighed and glanced at Hotch before looking down. "Please? For me?"

I looked up at him and hesitated before nodding, "For you…I will _talk_ to him about it."

"Even better, I'll talk to him about it for you while you go into that creepy bar you love so much. Get back in the car." He motioned back towards his Mercedes. I gave in and walked back to his car slowly. I glanced at Hotch as he stood leaning against the hood as I walked passed him before stepping back into the backseat. The both of them got in and Rossi began driving towards the bar again.

* * *

The bar had expressed how interested they were in hiring me and they offered me a trial run next week to see if it was what I wanted, but Hotch and Rossi nagged me until I agreed to inquire other bars that didn't worry them as much as well. They wanted me to consider all my options, and so I did because it was the least I could do for them.

"So Rossi is insisting that I come back to his place after I've been away for a while. Why is he so eager to have me around?" I asked Hotch quietly as we drove to his place.

"Because he sees you as his daughter now and all he wants is to ensure that you're safe, happy, and healing. He can't do that when you're at my house." Hotch explained as he glanced at me. I smiled to myself and looked down. I loved that he loved me. Sure, he irritated me sometimes but I probably did the same to him on a regular basis. The fact that I could be so difficult, so lost, and so messed up and he was still able to love me and want to protect me, it made me so happy. "You're smiling." He said quietly.

I looked at him, "I didn't realise that I was so important to him."

"You're important to all of us."

"Thanks for letting me stay with you, Hotch, but I can go with JJ—"

"Let's not have that conversation again, okay?" He looked at me pointedly. I sighed and nodded; I didn't want to argue, I just hated that they thought JJ and I would ever think of doing such a thing. I looked back out the window and silence fell between us. Neither of us knew what to say, and I wasn't sure whether the silence was comfortable or uncomfortable, but I let it continue.

* * *

 _"But accepting help doesn't have to mean giving up control." - Sarah Dessen._


	28. Chapter 28

**Prentiss**

I had been at Hotch's for another week and Rossi had still insisted on taking me to and picking me up from my psychologist appointment, so I walked out of the room again and through towards the waiting room and the reception desk. I saw Rossi and Hotch sitting inside, both looking at their phones. I changed my course and walked to them, "You came inside this time?"

They both looked up, "…Your psychologist called me last week, I must have forgotten to tell you. She wanted to meet us." Hotch said.

"And I already paid for today's appointment." Rossi added quickly.

"Rossi," I frowned, "I don't need you to do that for me."

"Just forget about it." He said as he stood. They both looked past me and I turned to see my psychologist approaching.

"Agent Rossi, Agent Hotchner, I'm doctor Nicol," She introduced herself, "Please, follow me." She motioned for them to follow her and smiled at me. I didn't return it but I didn't glare like I wanted to. I looked around me for a few seconds before I heard her again, "Emily, you can come in."

"Oh…okay." I walked after her quickly and into the room I had come from not five minutes ago. I sat down beside Rossi on the large couch, Hotch on his other side. She sat in her seat across from us and smiled as she crossed her legs over. "…Someone want to tell me why this is happening right now?"

"I would like to meet your support network; it makes it easier for me to decide what is best for you to do in order to get better," She explained, looking at me, "Although I think I already have a good idea as to where we could begin."

"Magnificent." I sighed, sitting back and dropping my head to rest in my right hand.

"Why don't you want me to meet any of your team?" She questioned me.

"I'm not a part of their team anymore, and because I don't want them to know anything."

"Well, I think that is just because of your childhood and you past experiences of betrayal and distrust."

I raised my eyebrows, "Excuse me?"

"We're here right now for me to get to know Agent Rossi and Agent Hotchner, not to argue again."

"Again?" Rossi looked at me and raised his eyebrows.

"She is very insulting." I tried to defend myself.

"Please, you can call us Aaron and Dave." Hotch said, ignoring our words. I groaned and dropped my head back. I sat silently and listened as they spoke, first about themselves and then about me. Rossi explained how my visit to MedStar only worked for a short while and Hotch explained that I refused to try anything else remotely like it. I chimed in here or there to correct something or disagree but the three of them virtually ignored me. I waited for another half hour before she dismissed us, although she asked if Hotch could give her the numbers of the rest of the team.

"Seriously? You're going to make them _all_ come in?"

"Like I said earlier, Emily, I want to meet your support network. If you prefer me to speak with the others without your presence, I'm sure I can arrange that…"

"No, no I would like to be present."

"I'll call one or two of them for next week's appointment, then."

"Uh…I can't make it next week."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't." I stood up and walked to the door. I opened it and looked at Rossi and Hotch, ushering them out. They both shook her hand before walking out. "Thank you." I said to doctor Nicol before following them out. They walked back towards the waiting room and to the door. Hotch opened it for Rossi and I as we exited the building and Rossi turned to looked at me once the three of us were out of the doorway.

"What was that?" He asked me.

"…What?"

"Why can't you make it next week?"

"I'm house hunting."

"No you're not, you can't afford your own place right now. You can't even stay at my place for longer than a few months."

"I can—"

"You will be here next Tuesday at four-thirty." He said before turning and walking to his car.

I sighed and looked down, "I feel like a child."

"Well you're not exactly making it easy on him. I'm not blaming you for anything, but you've kept a lot from him and he hadn't noticed what was going on. He doesn't trust you the same right now as he used to and he wants to try and make it up to you for not noticing."

"But I made sure that he _didn't_ notice."

"He doesn't see it that way. Come on," He waited for me to walk but I didn't move, "Emily?" Why did he call me Emily so much more often recently?

"I don't want to do anything else to upset him. He has done so much for me and all I'm doing is making him more upset."

"I'm going to talk with Dave about this, okay? Don't worry, I won't say you said anything to me, I'll just say that maybe he needs to show you less worry and more support, or be a bit easier on you."

"No, I don't—"

"He's going to know something is up if we keep talking about it. Let's go." He put his hand in the centre of my back and pushed me gently to walk. The touch made my heart falter for a moment; I couldn't let that keep happening. It wasn't my best idea to stay with him for a while. "Dave will drive us to his place so you can get the car you're borrowing. JJ is coming over tonight to look over Jack; I didn't know if you would have plans…"

I shook my head, "Don't worry, I wouldn't ask someone as messed up as me to take care of my child either."

"That's not—"

"Yes, it is, but I get it. Where are you going?"

"Out for dinner…" He said quietly as we reached the car.

"A date?" I raised my eyebrows as I opened the car door behind him.

He glanced at me before stepping into the car without replying to me. I smiled to myself and shook my head before I stepped into the back. I sat in the back silently and watched out the window as Rossi tried to make Hotch spill about his date, but he wouldn't reveal much more than her first name and where he met her. Once Rossi drove to his place, we went inside for about an hour before he insisted that I took the keys and the Buick. I drove Hotch and I back to his place.

* * *

I lay on the couch with a bad movie on as I stared at the screen, although I was paying no attention to the sound or the happenings on the screen. What did my psychologist mean when she said she had an idea of where to start and why didn't she tell me today? I could hear Jack running around upstairs; he was supposed to be doing his homework but he wasn't listening to Hotch too well today. I heard a knock on the door and assumed it was JJ. I heard Hotch come downstairs so I didn't bother moving.

"Hey Em, I'm leaving." He called to me from the foyer. I groaned quietly and got up unwillingly. I walked into the foyer as JJ walked into the house.

"Stop," I said as Hotch went to leave, "Back," I walked to him and fixed his tie, "This happened last time. How do you have a straight tie at work every day but not when you go out on dates?" My voice sounded tired.

"…You're in a bad mood."

"I'm tired. Go, it's straight." I pushed him towards the door gently. He gave me an unsure look and glanced at JJ.

"I've got her, I've got Jack. Go have fun." She smiled at him. He nodded and grabbed his keys. He assured us that he wouldn't be too late as he left. JJ closed the door behind him and she turned to me with a smile, "What's up?"

"I'm living with him again."

"…So?"

"So I'm feeling again." I sighed as I turned and walked through the living room and to the kitchen, her a step behind me. "And he's going on a date with some pretty girl and this isn't their first date; Jack told me."

"That sucks." She said quietly as she sat on one of the stools at the counter island.

I shook my head, "And my psychologist told Hotch and Rossi to come in today. She told me that she wants to meet the whole team so that she knows how to help me better, but she also said that she already has an idea as to where to start."

"And that idea was?"

"I don't know, she didn't tell me, she just talked to Hotch and Rossi until she dismissed us. And Rossi, Rossi is so upset with me and he doesn't like that I'm staying here at all. Hotch said that apparently he's so eager to have me at his place because he wants me to be safe and shit."

"Well we all want that."

"He thinks I'm going to kill myself. I heard him talking about it with Hotch the other night here, and that's why they wouldn't let me stay with you for a while; they thought we were going to do it together or something."

"Oh…really? Me too?" She asked quietly, hesitation in her voice.

I stopped what I was doing and looked at her, "Why did that sound so suspicious?" She wouldn't meet my eyes and she didn't reply. I knew then. "No, JJ no. You can't do that to Henry, to me, to Jack, to the team. Will would hate himself forever. What would I do without you by my side to keep me going? I probably _would_ follow you; Rossi would be right."

She had tears in her eyes that she tried desperately to keep back, "I just don't know what is left for me to do. I'm trying to stop drinking so much, to which I have been successful so far, but I don't know what else can be done." She shook her head.

I sighed, "You're coming with me next Tuesday at four-thirty to my psychologist appointment," She was still suspended so I knew she wouldn't be on a case, "And I'm not asking."

She took a deep breath and nodded, "Just don't tell anyone else, please?"

"Never." I vowed. She nodded and thanked me quietly before she stood up and washed her hands in the kitchen sink. She told me to sit down and she began preparing the meal I was going to cook for her and Jack. I hoped she wouldn't force me to eat; I wasn't in the mood right now.

* * *

Jack was in bed and JJ and I were talking quietly on the couch when Hotch came home around nine-thirty. He walked into the living room and greeted us as he loosened his tie and sat down. "Did you have fun?" JJ smiled.

"Not really." He shook his head.

"Jack said it wasn't your first date with this woman. Why go again if she wasn't fun?" I asked.

"She was reasonable the first date. She was boring and completely uninteresting this time around." He explained. I nodded in understanding.

"Well I should get going then." She said as she stood up.

"Oh, well don't you want to stay tonight?" I asked with a hint in my voice.

"No, it's okay." She smiled at me and I caught the double meaning in her words. Hotch was oblivious as far as I could tell. She knew I was worried now.

"…Okay." I nodded. She said goodbye to us and winked at me as she walked towards the foyer. After I heard the front door close, I looked at Hotch, "So are you going to try again? See if anything changed?"

He sighed, "No, I know that nothing will come of it."

"That bad, huh?"

He shook his head, "She's just not the person I would like to be seeing." He stood up as he slipped his tie off and I turned the muted TV off and stood too. I assumed he'd be going to bed; he had work in the morning, so I may as well go too.

"So you know who you would like to be seeing?" I asked as we walked towards the staircase. My voice was curious, wondering who else he had an eye for, but I felt heat inside of me. Jealousy, almost. I hated that.

He hesitated before he gripped my arm gently and stopped me from walking up the stairs. Instead, he pushed me gently to the wall and stepped closer to me, "I think you know, and if you didn't, I'm assuming you do now."

"…Oh…" I looked up into his eyes.

"Tell me right now whether I should kiss you or not."

"Well that really depends on what you want to do. I'm messed up, I am—"

"Emily, yes or no." He interrupted me. I couldn't believe this was happening right now. Had he been trying to show me any kind of interest at all lately? Because I either hadn't noticed or I convinced myself that it was something different.

"…Yes." My voice was so low it was almost inaudible. He pressed his lips against mine as soon as the word left my mouth. Once the few seconds were over and we parted, too soon for my liking, I dropped my head and let out a small humourless laugh, "It's kind of strange to have something like that be so gentle again."

He nodded, "I did everything I could to try and get over the feeling I had for you, especially when you met Chris, but nothing worked. But Emily I can assure you that with me you never have to experience anything so violent again."

I sighed, "I'm going to be sent away again, Aaron." I didn't intend on using his first name, it kind of just slipped out. It was more personal, more intimate that way. "I don't know for sure, but I've got a bad feeling."

"You think that I'm going to send you away again?"

"No, not you. I think my psychologist is going to send me away," I looked down again, "I just thought I'd say something before you did anything that you might regret." He shook his head and pressed his lips against mine again, this time placing three consecutive long kisses to me. I spoke quietly again when we parted, "It's weird, the silence."

"What?" He gave me a confused look.

"There's no one screaming at me in my head like there normally is at this time of night. I can't hear Chris, I can't hear myself; all I hear is what is actually happening within reality."

He smiled before kissing me once again. I left my right hand on his arm but this time I let my left hand travel up to his hair at the back of his head, gently tangling it within. His hands drifted down to my hips and lingered for a few seconds before they fell again to my thighs. He didn't break out kiss as he lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around him and moved both hands to the back of his neck. He turned the foyer light out, trying a few times before he located the switch under his fingers, and then he walked upstairs. I was praying that Jack wouldn't have woken up at all.

He walked into his room and kicked his door closed quietly behind him. He lay me down and kissed down my neck. I closed my eyes and appreciated the moment, but I couldn't help but compare the softness that his lips and hands conveyed, the softness of his intentions, with the roughness of Chris's every move. Hotch was going to take it slow and gentle, whereas Chris would already be on his way to where they all ended up eventually. This was different, though. This was much, _much_ better. "Are you sure you want to do this?" Hotch asked after he noticed that my hips began to involuntarily push against him. I hesitated, not sure if I'd be able to handle it, but after my eyes met his and we looked at each other for a second, I knew I could. I nodded in response and that's all he needed before he began to undress me, slowly and torturously, leaving kisses on each piece of skin as he uncovered it.

* * *

 _"I'm scared as hell to want you, but here I am, wanting you anyway." - Grey's Anatomy._


	29. Chapter 29

**Prentiss**

I walked into the bar and looked around for JJ, Garcia, and Savannah. I always came five minutes late so that I wouldn't need to sit in a bar by myself. I walked over to them and smiled as they greeted me. "Wow, you look regretful." JJ said.

"Okay, how does her walk over here and her smile mean that she is regretful?" Savannah asked in doubt.

"Her posture, she normally has amazing posture, very straight. Tonight, she was slightly slouched and her smile wasn't a big as normal. Either she's in a very shit mood, which is doubtful because she called us here tonight, or she regrets something."

"Not so much regret, I'm just not sure if it was the right thing to do at all."

"I will get you a drink of your choice and then you will tell us everything." Garcia said as she stood. I went with a beer, the easy option, and she walked away quickly. It was next Friday now; JJ had come to my psychologist appointment with me on Tuesday and doctor Nicol told me afterwards that maybe once she told me what she had in mind, that I might want to take JJ with me. She said we would both need it. She still wouldn't tell me what it was though; she said she wanted to meet the rest of the team first. Next week was Morgan and Savannah and then the week after was Reid and Garcia.

"So what happened?" Garcia asked as she came back and sat back down, sliding my beer across to sit in front of me. I sipped it and rested my elbows on the table, dropping my head down for my hands to rest on my cheeks.

"Remember the last time I was staying with Hotch and I said that I thought I was getting feelings for him?"

"It's happening again?" She asked.

"It never went away, but it's uh…it's stronger now."

"Well what changed?" Savannah asked before sipping her drink.

"I slept with him." She choked on her drink and coughed once she swallowed.

"You what now?" JJ raised her eyebrows.

"Three times in the last two weeks."

"Oh my god!" Garcia wore a wide grin, JJ smirked, and Savannah looked surprised but happy all the same.

"And that is a problem because I'm pretty sure that my psychologist is sending me far, far away, and it is going to kill me." The three of them were speechless. They didn't know what to say, how to react to that. I wouldn't have either, finding out that my friend had slept with her former boss on more than one occasion; that meant it definitely was not an accident and I couldn't blame it on alcohol or anything.

"…So was he good?" JJ asked, breaking the silence.

I bit my lip, "Oh dear god, yes."

She laughed lightly, "I'm not sure whether the way you said that makes me uncomfortable or happy." I laughed with her and drank back my beer.

* * *

Another night of too much alcohol. The plan was just a few drinks so we could talk but hell, it was a Friday night, JJ and I were, as always, feeling low, and Garcia and Savannah had both had a long week. It was around two now as I exited the bar with the girls. Morgan was coming to pick them up; he had been starting to get worried and had picked Savannah's call up on the second ring.

"Hey Em, aren't I taking you too?" Morgan asked as JJ, Garcia, and Savannah got in the car.

I shook my head, "No, no um…Hotch is coming." I lied.

"Are you sure? It won't put me out at all."

"No Morgan, I'm fine. Thank you anyway." My words weren't as easy to understand as I would have liked. He didn't want to leave me here alone, especially not in the clearly too drunk to walk state that I was; I couldn't keep a straight line.

"Go back inside to wait and you call me if he isn't here in five minutes." He said, nodding.

I nodded in agreement and he stepped into his car, driving away with one last glance at me. I turned back towards the bar but stopped once he turned the corner. I walked away from the bar slowly, trying my hardest to stay on my feet. I resorted to taking my heels off and walking bare foot. I could hear Chris again, talking and sometimes yelling at me; I had been hearing him since about my fifth drink. Once I was a few blocks away and about a half hour had past, my phone rang. I answered after fumbling with my phone and almost dropping it twice, "Pretniss. No, Prentiss." I corrected myself as I stopped and leaned on the brick of the building beside me to hold me up.

"Emily, where are you?" It was Hotch. Of course it was Hotch.

"Uh…" I looked around me, "I dunno."

"You don't know? Are you still at the bar with the girls?"

"No, no Morgan took them home a while ago. I walked."

"Alone?"

"Yep." I nodded as I looked around me again.

I heard him sigh, "Okay, what can you see around you?"

"Buildings and a park."

"Is there a corner nearby? Can you walk there and tell me the street name?"

"I can't even walk properly right now, let alone read you a street name."

"Just try for me, please?"

I stretched out a dramatic groan, "Fine." I continued walking to where I was heading before he called and stopped on the corner, "Twenty-third street."

"Okay, stay there, I'm coming."

"No—"

"Emily," He cut me off, "Please stay where you are?"

"Okay." I sighed. I hung up and looked around before sitting down in the gutter.

I waited for about ten minutes before Hotch pulled up. He stepped out of the car and walked to me quickly, "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I nodded.

"You don't look fine," He shook his head, "You're crying. Why are you crying?" He asked. I didn't even notice the tears on my cheeks or in my eyes.

I wiped my cheeks, "I didn't know I was."

He gave me an unsure look before he decided it was best not to question me right now. He took my hands and pulled me up softly, "Come on, let's get you home."

* * *

Upon arrival at Hotch's place, he unlocked the front door and went straight upstairs quickly, probably to check on Jack. He came back down within a minute and hung my coat up when he saw me struggle. I kissed him after he did and at first, he returned it, but then he realised where I was going with it. "Emily, no."

"Please?" I whispered.

"No, Em. I'm sorry, but not while you're like this." He motioned to me, referring to my drunkenness.

"But I can hear him again, I can hear Chris talking to me and you're all that makes him go away. Please, Aaron?" I didn't mean to beg; I never wanted to beg. I hated when I drank.

He hesitated and he had guilt written across his face, but it softened after a few seconds, "You can sleep with me in my bed tonight," He started but he held his finger up when he saw my eyes light up, "But…" He waited for me to listen, "Clothes stay on, okay?"

I nodded and tried to hide the disappointment the best I could, "Okay."

He nodded and turned the light out downstairs on our way past. I went to the room I had been staying in first to get changed, although I ended up just sitting on the floor after giving up. He came in after a few minutes. "Really? You can't even dress yourself? What happened to slowing down?" He asked quietly as he walked further into the room. He assisted me into my pair of sweatpants and then changed my shirt for me. After he had pulled it into place, he smiled slightly and tapped the tip of my nose slightly with his index finger. "Bed now, come on." He took my hand when I didn't move and he pulled me gently out of my room and down the hall to his. I sat down on the left side of the bed where he had led me and he turned the ceiling light off; the lamp was all that lit the room now. He walked over to his side of the bed and sat down.

"Lay down." He said quietly to me.

"I'm not tired."

"Emily—" His voice with sterner with just my name so I cut him off by kissing him. I placed a few long kissed against his lips, not allowing him to speak at all. After a few more kisses I started to intensify it and I threw one leg over him to straddle him. He pushed me away after just a few more seconds, "Not tonight, Emily." I groaned and rolled off him. I lay on my back on top of the blankets and stared at the roof. There was silence inside my head again; Chris was gone. Thank god for Hotch's presence. "…Are you going to lay underneath the blanket or are you not going to sleep?"

"I'm going to sleep." I nodded.

"You can't sleep unless you have a blanket over you; I know you, Emily. Come on."

I sighed and lifted my legs up to pull the blanket over me. He turned the lamp out and kissed my cheek before the house fell completely silent. I tried for about an hour to fall asleep but I just couldn't do it. Hotch had fallen asleep almost straight away, so I slipped out as quietly as I could and tried to stay on my feet as I left his room. It wasn't as quiet as I would have liked; I had run into the dresser and swore quietly.

I walked downstairs slowly and held tightly onto the stair railing so that I wouldn't fall and wake Jack. I reached the kitchen eventually and filled a glass with water. I sipped at it and ran my finger around the rim of the glass. I hadn't turned the light on; it was completely dark apart from the dim moonlight through the window that only shone on the sink.

"Couldn't sleep?" Hotch spoke from behind me.

I jumped and dropped the glass, "Jesus Christ," It smashed across the ground and I groaned, "Sorry." He flicked the light switch and walked over, careful of the shattered glass on the tiles. Instead of trying to make me walk away from it without stepping on any, he just lifted me up and put me down beside the counter island.

"Go upstairs and go to bed, okay?"

"But I need to—"

"I'll clean it. Go." He pointed in the direction of the staircase. I bit my lip before obeying. I turned and walked back to the staircase, making sure that I stayed on my feet again as to not wake Jack. I hoped the glass hadn't woken him.

* * *

"Holy shit, what did I drink last night?" I asked as I picked up JJ's call. I was sitting across from Hotch at the dining table, a pounding headache and constant nausea.

"Well you had a few beers…but then we all moved on to Long Island iced teas…"

"Oh no, JJ why would you let me drink that? You know I can't handle myself after those," I shook my head. Hotch looked at me questioning, "Long Island iced teas." I elaborated. He nodded in understanding and looked back down to his paperwork.

"So I called to ask if you could possibly come over tonight and distract Henry for me? Will wants to talk and Henry tends to get bored by himself and interrupt us."

"Sure Jayje, what time?"

"Whenever you want. Will is coming to have dinner with us so you can join us or come afterwards; whatever you prefer."

"Let me know when your dinner is finished and I'll come."

"Thanks Em."

"Anytime, see you tonight," I hung up and put my phone back down. Hotch glanced at me and waited for me to tell him my plans for tonight, "I'm going to distract Henry tonight while JJ and Will talk about something."

He nodded, "Okay."

"…So did we…last night?"

"No, we didn't." He shook his head. I sighed in relief and nodded; thank god for that because I didn't remember anything and I wanted to be able to remember every night with him. "You tried relentlessly but I didn't really want to sleep with you while you were in that state."

"Oh god, I'm so sorry." I shook my head.

He hesitated as he looked back down, "You told me last night that the only thing that stops Chris in your head was me. Is that true or were you just trying to get lucky?"

I laughed lightly at the second possibility he presented, "Okay look, both. It's true, but I was probably only telling you so that I could get lucky," He laughed and I joined him, "Thank you, by the way, for picking me up and undressing and redressing me and letting me stay with you."

He smiled, "No problem. I'd say anytime, but I'd rather you weren't drunk and I'd also rather to undress you and to keep you that way." I smirked and looked down. I heard Jack coming downstairs so I picked up my book and ended our conversation there.

* * *

 _"We all get addicted to something that takes the pain away." - Unknown._


	30. Chapter 30

**Prentiss**

Morgan and Savannah came to my psychologist appointment with me last week to meet my doctor and Garcia and Reid came today. I already knew what Savannah and Garcia thought about my situation, but hearing Morgan last week made me feel like shit, and hearing Reid's opinion today made me feel even worse. I hadn't realised the effect I was having on him and Morgan as well.

Rossi had texted me this morning to tell me that they had a case so I needed to get myself to the appointment, much to my pleasure. Jack went with Jessica, JJ was still suspended but she was going back to Pennsylvania for a few days to see her mother of whom she'd lost contact with, so I was on my own for a few days. That was good, because after hearing Reid speak in the early appointment - a different time to my usual afternoon appointment - all I could hear was Chris telling me what a mess I had made. On my drive home, instead of taking the left turn towards Hotch's house, I took the next right towards the gym. Rossi hadn't let me come here in a while because I was exercising too excessively, so I decided that I needed to come back. I had been offered three jobs at three different bars but I ended up turning them down; I couldn't bring myself to do it right now. The last week hadn't been a very good one and I kept that mostly to myself, Hotch only knew because I turned down dinner with him and Jack and I hadn't had a real conversation with him all week, let alone kiss him, and I turned down sex when he was in the mood the other day.

I walked into the gym and looked around. I smiled to myself slightly; maybe this place would bring me some peace for a little while. I went to the change rooms and changed into leggings, a sports bra, and a loose singlet I had in my work out bag. I had repacked it since last time with clean clothes and kept it in my car, I had just never come back until now. I exchanged my boots for runners and tied my hair up. I looked at myself in the mirror and turned to the side as I lifted my shirt up. I had gained weight and it was visible. I shook my head and dropped my shirt as I heard someone else coming in. I walked out with my phone and earphones and started my music on my way to the treadmill.

I ran it for about a half hour before I turned it off and moved onto a different piece of equipment. Another half an hour and I returned to the treadmill. After about an hour on it, I was too tired to attempt more so I retired back to the change rooms where I showered and changed back into my other outfit. I let my hair back down and packed my clothes back into my bag. I walked out of the gym with a small smile on my face, proud of myself. I drove back to Hotch's and threw my work out gear into the washing machine with the rest of the basket waiting and turned the machine on. I walked to the kitchen and stopped. I looked around for a second before settling for just a bottle of water, and I went to read my book on the couch.

My phone rang not long later and I picked up JJ's call, "Hey."

"Hey there, how are you going?"

"I've been alone for all of three and a half hours and you're already checking?"

"Well you had an appointment today and we both know that those don't go down well."

"She said that I have to bring you next week because she has a starting point for me, and possibly a solution, and she wants you to come with me."

"Come with you…to where?"

"I don't know, she wouldn't tell me anything else."

"Well I get back home Friday, so I will come to that appointment."

"Thanks Jayje."

"So how'd it go today?"

"Worse than ever before. I didn't know I was affecting Reid so much. I feel like absolute shit."

We talked for a while longer and she tried to make me feel better but she needed to go after about ten minutes; something about helping her mother cook the family's secret recipe that she'd never been allowed to see before. I sighed when I put my phone down and looked around. I didn't want to keep reading; I couldn't concentrate on the pages long enough to follow the story. I stood up and walked around for a while before I went upstairs and once again, got changed into another pair of leggings, these ones with patterns up the sides of my legs, and a plain black sports bra. I tied my hair up and slipped my second pair of runners on. I took my keys and my phone and stretched my legs and my back out before I set off running down the street. I may as well run until I physically can't anymore; I had nothing else to do. It helped to clear my head, too.

* * *

Days past and on every one, I went to the gym in the morning, went for a run in the afternoon, and returned to the gym in the evening. I only ate once a day, just a piece of fruit, until yesterday when I had nothing at all and today I hadn't either. Hotch had called this morning and said he would be back by evening. He hated having to work on Saturdays; it was supposed to be his time with Jack, but he'd still have tomorrow.

Since Tuesday's appointment, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about everything I had been causing upon my old team. It was driving me insane and I had lost count of how many times I had cried over it.

I went to the gym for two hours this evening and took a long shower there before I got changed and brushed my hair out. I had left a note in case Hotch got home before me; it said I was out to see a friend. I drove home and saw Hotch's car out the front, as well as Rossi's and Morgan's. I decided to leave my gym bag in my car in case they recognised it as one; I didn't need a ban again. I made sure I looked okay and not like I had just been to the gym, and I got out of my car. I walked up to the house and held the spare key that Hotch had lent me. I approached the door, knowing he always kept it locked like I do, and I put the key in and turned it slowly. I opened the door and my heels clicked on the floorboards as I turned and closed the door behind me, alerting them of my presence. I heard them quieten down in the living room as I hung my coat and I took a deep breath before forcing a smile on my lips and walking into their view, "Hey." I greeted them.

"…Hi," JJ said, "You look tired." I shrugged my shoulders and looked down as I stood against the archway.

"Which friend were you with?" Garcia asked, "Because I didn't know you had other friends outside of us. Where do you find the time for friends?"

"…I'm not an agent anymore." I looked at her.

"…Is it a male? Are you banging him? What's his name?" At least she wasn't making it obvious about Hotch or I in front of the men of the team. Hotch didn't know that the girls knew, though, unless he had guessed or assumed.

"No Penelope, it's not a male." I rolled my eyes.

"So are you banging _her_ , then?" She smirked.

"No, I am "banging" no one."

"Why not?"

I sighed, "I'm going upstairs." I walked back to the foyer and up the staircase. I heard footsteps follow me and the bedroom door never closed when I kicked it. I took my boots off and put them in the corner where I always kept them and walked through to the ensuite without looking behind me.

"So does Hotch have an ensuite too or did he give you the room with it?" JJ asked behind me. I turned and saw her sit down on my bed.

"He has one too," I said quietly, "Jack doesn't, and mine is smaller than Hotch's. I just have a shower in here but he has a shower and a bath."

"Is it one of those two-in-one things or two separate?"

"Why are you so interested in Hotch's bathroom?"

"Well is it easier to fuck in a shower on its own or one that's combined with a bathtub? Because I've only ever tried an individual one."

I smirked, "Hotch has a combined one, and it's easier in an individual."

"…So you and Hotch _have_ done it in his bathroom." She returned the smirk.

I nodded as I turned around, "Laundry too."

"Oh my god, really?" She laughed.

"Well the first time was his bed, the second time was his shower, and the third time was on top of the washing machine. He came from work, Jack was at a friend's house, and I had just pressed start when he lifted me up and started kissing me. That was fun."

She smiled, "Okay, it's going to get gross soon. How was your week?"

"It was alright, how was yours? How was seeing your mum and going back home?"

"It was really nice, I think I'll start visiting more often; I'll take Henry next time."

"Where is he?"

"Will took him for the weekend; I saw him for a few hours today before they left…So what's your friends name?"

"…Gym."

"Jim? Is it Jim Carrey?"

I laughed, "No, I was at the gym."

She nodded but she didn't seem worried, at least not until she thought about it, "Wait…why did you lie downstairs? Why'd you tell Hotch you were with a friend on the note?"

"Because he and Rossi banned me from the gym when I was really bad, and I don't know if that still stands or not now that I'm better, but I didn't want to risk it. It makes me feel good when I'm there."

"Does Hotch make you feel good when you're with him?"

"Sexually or in general?"

"Both."

"Yes."

She shook her head, "Then why lie to him if you're better?" I met her eyes but I didn't respond. "You look paler, your eyes look kind of sunken in…were you…were you not eating while the team was on the case?"

"I was eating fine, JJ, and you have no right to question me on it." I said coldly before I closed the door between us and turned to the mirror. I couldn't see any change in my skin or eyes; was it only noticeable to a profiler? Was I losing my touch? Granted, it is difficult to profile your own physical appearance and behaviour. I took a few deep breaths and sat in there for a while until I heard JJ sigh and leave my room. I walked out of the ensuite quietly and closed the bedroom door before changing quickly into something more comfortable and lying down underneath the covers on my bed. Maybe if I fell asleep, then the knowledge of letting them all down wouldn't keep antagonising me.

* * *

I woke when I felt a weight sit on the other side of my bed. The blanket was pulled away from over my head slowly and I blinked my eyes open. Hotch sat looking down on me, "I gave you an hour; dinner is ready."

"I'm not hungry." I said quietly as I rolled over to face away from him and closed my eyes again.

"JJ told us that you were at the gym. Why'd you lie about it?"

"Because I didn't want you guys to worry. Can you please let me sleep?"

"Not until after you eat."

"I'm not hungry." I repeated the three words slower and with more irritancy in my voice.

"You're paler, your eyes are beginning to sink again. That tells me you haven't eaten since the night before I left, so not since Monday night. It is now Friday and if you're not eating, I'm going to have to call your psychologist and you know that I will." I stared at him for a few seconds before I threw the blanket off me and stood up. I glared at him as I walked towards the door. He caught my arm before I got to open it more than ajar and he pushed it closed quietly before pushing me against it softly, "Do not be mad with me."

I turned my head to look away from him but he put a finger under my chin, turned my head back, and titled my head up to look at him. He raised his eyebrows but I just forced my eyes to look as far away from him as I could without moving my head. He pressed his lips against mine firmly and I couldn't fight it; I returned it very willingly. He kissed me a few times before I finally worked up enough self-control and I pushed my closed fist against his chest to make him part from me.

"Please?" He asked quietly, although I wasn't sure whether he was asking for me not to be mad with him or asking me to eat.

I sighed and looked down, "I hate when you do that." I said quietly before turning and opening the door. I walked out and downstairs, him behind me. I wasn't expecting to find the team down there when we reached the dining room; I thought they would have gone home by now. It was silent when we walked in and he told me to sit down beside JJ. She was looking down and tapping her fingers on the table silently. I said slowly and looked at them, "What?" They were all looking at JJ and I.

"Your bitch of a psychologist told Hotch and Rossi about me, that's what." JJ said quietly and coldly.

"And something else." Garcia added quietly.

I looked at Hotch and Rossi across from us, "Well?"

"She called with what she thinks is a good starting point for the both of you, if not a solution." Rossi said.

"Yeah, she said she had something in mind, she just wouldn't tell me what."

"She wants the two of you to go to a…uh…a place that she thinks will help." Hotch was definitely trying to dance around the said place.

"And that place is?" I pushed.

"Uh…I think you'll enjoy it once you adjust to being there." Rossi nodded. The two of them looked at each other and the others were silent. Savannah and Garcia looked far more upset than Morgan, and Reid just looked helpless.

"Being where? What are they talking about?" I looked at JJ for my second question.

She shrugged her shoulders, "They wouldn't tell me the place either."

"I think that JJ will be fine with it, but you…you'll need time to…uh…come to terms with where you are." Rossi nodded.

"Just tell me." They could see that I was clearly getting very irritated very fast.

"A farm, it's a farm," Hotch came out with it quickly, "JJ, you grew up in a pretty small town so I'm assuming there were farms around you a lot and that you'll be okay with it, but Emily," He looked at me now, "I know that you're a city girl. You grew up in cities—"

"Yeah, I grew up in cities and cities are where I will stay," I cut him off, "I'm not going to a farm. Do you know that I have a very intense and completely unexplainable fear of chickens? Chickens. I don't know what it is, but last time I was near one, I cried. I don't know, maybe my past life was like…death by chicken, but I'm not going to a farm where chickens will be residing because there are _always_ chickens…and cows, and sheep, and horses. Urgh, horses, they're so big and they look so harmless when you look in their eyes but they're like huge beasts of anger and intimidation." I spoke so fast that I hardly had time to take a breath. I was freaking out just over the suggestion of a farm; imagine the reaction when I actually have to _go_ a farm and they _leave_ me there.

"Okay, calm down," Rossi said, raising his eyebrows, "I'm sure that there is plenty of space without chickens around, and horses, sheep, and cows."

"…But farms are hot and isolated and do you have any idea how easy it is to murder someone in such a secluded location? Forget about killing yourself, JJ, because the farm owner people will just do it for you."

"Farm owner people? There will be people there?" JJ asked, looking to Hotch and Rossi.

"Well they're not going to send us there on our own; we couldn't even stay in your house together alone." I said before either could reply.

"It'll be just outside of Virginia." Rossi said quietly.

" _Virginia_? You're moving us to a different state?" JJ asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Just for a few months…it's only an hour's flight away, a four-hour drive. It's in Durham, North Carolina." Hotch expanded.

"Just for a few months, he says. Like a few months isn't a damn long time." I shook my head.

"Will they be able to come visit us?" Garcia asked quietly, being the first of the other four to speak.

"No, but we can go see them." Hotch asked.

"Oh!" I said loudly, "So you're holding us prisoner somewhere else. Is that just so you don't have to deal with our shit anymore, because we never asked you to—"

"Emily, Emily," Hotch said my name twice to make me stop talking, "Shut up."

I closed my mouth and sat back, crossing my arms over my chest, "I'm not going."

* * *

 _"Home is wherever you leave everything you love and never question that it will be there when you return." - Leo Christopher._


	31. Chapter 31

**Prentiss**

I sat in the backseat with JJ at my side, Rossi in the passenger seat, and Hotch driving. Morgan was driving behind us with Savannah, Garcia, and Reid. JJ and I hadn't said a single thing since we were forced into the car despite the amount of times Hotch and Rossi had tried to make us speak up; we were both furious that they were making us do this. JJ had spent the last week with Henry when he wasn't at school and then the whole weekend. Will was happy enough to let her see him as much as she could now.

After about four hours of driving, Hotch pulled onto a dirt driveway and followed the winding track for about half a mile up to a rather large house. JJ looked around the paddocks and land around us and I looked at the house; I'd probably spend all the time in there. I had already seen sheep and cows on our drive up and I already felt anxious. He pulled up outside of the house and Morgan stopped behind us. Hotch and Rossi stepped out of the car as two people came out of the house and down the porch steps. I saw the others exiting the other car too and JJ and I looked at each other.

"Ready?" She asked me quietly.

"Never, but we don't really have a choice in the matter, do we?" I replied.

She shook her head and sighed before she stepped out of the car. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I followed suit. I closed the door behind me and looked around, "You've got to be kidding me." I said quietly to myself as I walked to Hotch's side, "You can't leave me here."

"It's only for a few months." He whispered to me quietly.

"You're the one that isn't too fond of farm animals or the outdoors in general, I'm assuming." The pretty red head said as she smiled at me.

"We'll change that," The man beside her winked, "I'm Jake, this is my wife Amber." He introduced them, holding his hand out to me. I hesitated for a second before seeing the warning glance from Hotch and I shook his hand. I shook Amber's too and JJ did the same. She introduced the two of us. Hotch introduced himself and the others and that was when a few chickens came running dangerously close to us.

"Oh my god! No!" I stepped back quickly and stood behind Hotch, using him as protective shield as I clung to his arm. He laughed at me as tears stung my eyes, fear overwhelming me. "You _cannot_ leave me here."

"You face serial killers every day, but god forbid a chicken…" Garcia said, laughing quietly, as did the others.

"We'll come and visit you if you agree to stay for _at least_ two months." Hotch spoke.

"Two months!? Are you serious?" My eyes widened.

"Emily, please." Rossi said quietly. I sighed and let go of Hotch's arm; I had realised that I was still clinging to him and that the men of the team didn't know. It's not like we were dating or anything so there really wasn't anything that they _needed_ to know. I stook half a step away from him and only met his eyes briefly before I looked down.

"So you'll both have your own rooms here, and you guys can visit whenever you want to; we have two spare bedrooms, both with double beds," Amber explained, "The two of you don't have to do any farming upkeep if you don't want to, but we do have a few horses that would appreciate some time and rides if you're up for it."

"You ride?" Jake asked, looking between us.

"I did as a kid, I was alright…" JJ said as she brushed her hair from her face and adjusted her sunglasses.

"How about you?" Jake looked at me.

"I used to but I'm not planning on ever doing it again." I shook my head.

"Oh, come on Emily; horses need riding, I'm sure you can pick one you like to spend some time with. They're not _that_ bad." JJ rolled her eyes.

"Do not irritate me, JJ." I looked down.

Garcia's phone rang and she took a few steps away as she answered the call. I stood silently as Morgan spoke to Jake and Hotch and I glanced at each other. Garcia came back within a few minutes, "Duty calls." She said quietly to Hotch.

He sighed and nodded, "Alright guys, works calling," He said to the others. They all looked at JJ and I sadly before they hugged us and said goodbye. Rossi was the last of the five to hug us and left JJ and I standing with Hotch. JJ hugged Hotch briefly before looking between us with a smirk and walking back to the car to grab our bags.

"I can't believe you're doing this to me." I said quietly, looking down.

"Emily, look at me," He put his finger under my chin and lifted my head when I didn't obey initially. It was an intimate move and I hoped the team wasn't watching, "Emily, you know that I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it'd help. You need to get away from home for a while. Two months is all I ask, and if you don't think it's helping by then, then we'll bring you home, but if it's helping then maybe a little longer."

I took a breath and shook my head as I looked away, "Two months is a hell of a long time without seeing you…" I whispered.

He smiled slightly, "I'll visit when I can, and I would kiss you goodbye but I think they're all watching so I'll stick with a hug." He pulled me into him and I put my arms around him willingly.

After we parted, I wiped the tears forming in the corners of my eyes, "Kiss Jack goodnight for me when you're with him." I saw JJ walking back over slowly with our bags. She was much more accepting of this than I was.

"Bye." He said quietly.

I forced a smile, "Bye." I watched as he turned and walked back towards the first SUV quickly; Reid was in the back now with Rossi in the passenger seat again. I took my bag from JJ's shoulder and thanked her quietly. We both stood motionless as we watched the SUV's turned around the dirt driveway and head back down it.

I sighed and looked down, "I'm going to hate it here."

"I think that you'll adjust eventually," She put her arm around me in a hug, "But you're going to miss him, aren't you? He didn't even kiss you goodbye."

"We're not dating, Jayje. It was just a few nights…"

"Still." She gave me an obvious look.

I nodded, "I will miss him, and he didn't kiss me because he didn't know if the team was watching or not."

"Does he know that Savannah, Garcia, and I know?"

"I didn't tell him but he might have put two and two together somewhere down the track."

* * *

The first night here was awkward. Amber cooked for the four of us, she and Jake spoke a lot to each other and to us, and JJ and I were very quiet and hesitant. I didn't want to eat tonight, I was upset and angry, but Amber said that half the reason I was there was to start eating regularly and voluntarily again, and that I'd have to start off eating under force before I did it voluntarily. The other half of why I was here was apparently to get some distance from home and hopefully stop seeing and hearing Chris permanently. JJ was here to "heal" after she spoke to my psychologist.

I had a room on the second floor, a bathroom occupied the space beside my bedroom and JJ's room was placed after that. There was an ensuite joined to Amber and Jake's room, so the bathroom between JJ's room and mine was basically ours. I was in there last night for about an hour after I had a quick shower. I was just sitting on the side of the bathtub as silent tears dripped down my cheeks. JJ had found me in there and sat with me for an additional hour as we spoke about why we hated this so much. I couldn't sleep so I ended up walking to JJ's room and knocking quietly before I walked in. She couldn't fall asleep either, so I lay with her silently for hours until I was finally able to drift off.

* * *

We woke this morning around nine and JJ sat up, brushing her hair back from her face, "Well at least the bed is comfy."

I laughed quietly, "You know what's even more comfortable? Lying in Hotch's bed…in Hotch's arms, listening to his quiet breathing as he sleeps with a small smile."

"…Oh my god…you're in love."

I looked at her briefly before a small embarrassed smile spread on my lips and I looked down, "I don't know. I mean I loved Doyle, but what I felt for him was _nothing_ compared to what I feel for Hotch."

"…What about Chris? Do you think that you actually loved him?"

I thought about it for a second before I shook my head, "I don't think so, I think I was just in love with the idea of love. He showed interest and gave me attention and that was all I wanted. I just wish Hotch had said something to me _before_ Chris came into my life."

"What?" She gave me a confused look.

"He told me that he's had feelings for me since even before Chris and he had just tried to ignore them."

"That's sweet," She smiled, "Do you call him Hotch all the time?"

"No, I only really call him Hotch when one of you are around or we're arguing about something, or being professional. Otherwise I call him Aaron."

She nodded and she was about to speak before we heard Jake call out to us from downstairs. She looked at me before smiling encouragingly and throwing the blankets off. She stood up and stretched before pulling my reluctant body with her.

"But it's awkward. We're living with two people that we don't know a thing about."

"They're sweet, come on." She made me come downstairs with her and we were met with banana pancakes and juice. I cut small squares and moved them around my plate for a while before JJ pointed out that if I didn't eat, I would never be allowed off this farm. I reluctantly ate one of the three pancakes and only sipped at the juice. Amber and Jake tried to make conversation and not acknowledge how depressed I looked this morning, and I eventually gave up on trying to communicate and I followed JJ outside of the house. Amber and Jake came out and offered to show us around and JJ followed them, but I refused to go beyond the porch steps. I went up to my room and grabbed one of the books Reid had lent me and went back downstairs. I sat on one of the seats on the porch and read; the sun shining on me felt so different to when it did in Virginia. Maybe it was the fresher air out here that made it different, or maybe it was just because of the fact that I was alone.

* * *

 _"It is a sign of great inner insecurity to be hostile to the unfamiliar." - Anaïs Nin_


	32. Chapter 32

**Prentiss**

The first week on the farm, I stood by my refusal to go beyond the porch. I had come to like Amber and Jake and I talked to them a lot; we got along well. JJ wasn't thrilled to be here and her acceptance of the situation had wavered a bit, but she still didn't complain; she seemed happier already though. They had taken our phones from us; they said that we could use the landline as much as we wanted, but our cell phones would remind us too much of home.  
I had called Hotch a few times, Rossi and Garcia once. JJ called Will every night to speak to Henry and she had been speaking to Will, too. I wasn't sure what was going on between them anymore but I tried not to pry; I didn't want to upset her.

Today, the three of them convince me to go into the stables to see the horses. I had been watching JJ ride a white horse throughout the week and I would be lying if I said it didn't look fun.

Amber had overheard JJ and I talking earlier in the week about the lack of clothes she had that were suitable for horse riding and the lack of clothes that I had that I would wear around any sort of farm animal. She had gone shopping, bought the both of us three pairs of jeans each, a few casual shirts and a few flannelette shirts, a pair of boots and a hat. The hats were the stylish, modern kind; JJ had a black one with a white ribbon around it and I had a white one with a black ribbon around it. She had brown boots, I had black ones.

I dressed in one of my new pairs of jeans, a black singlet with an open red flannelette over it, my boots and my hat. I followed the three of them down to the stables and inside behind them. I looked around and it looked like the typical barn with stalls, brushes, leads, saddles, and all different kinds of things. There was a loft above that stored stacks of hay.

"This here is Blue, he's my main man. Saige over there is Amber's pride and joy, and that white beauty in the stall behind me is JJ's new baby." Jake pointed to each horse as he mentioned them.

"Alaska," JJ smiled, "I called her Alaska."

I nodded and looked further down the barn, "You have ten horses?"

"Twelve stalls, eleven horses; one's injured so he's at the closest vet. He'll be back by next week." Amber informed me. I nodded in understanding and watched JJ as she walked across to Alaska and petted between her ears. "Pick one." Amber said.

I raised my eyebrows, "Excuse me?"

"We're going to teach you how to ride, and one of those seven horses will be yours to bond with." Jake explained.

"Oh…"

"Come on Em, don't be such a city chick. Male or female? What colour? Or you do you want to focus more on personality?" JJ spoke as she walked down the barn and looked into the stalls either side of her.

"I believe the correct terms are 'mare' and 'stallion' or 'gelding' or something like that," I corrected with a smirk. Amber grabbed my wrist gently and pulled me to follow JJ. I listened silently as Jake spoke about each horse to me. He told me their gender, age, temperament, and general personality. His watch sounded so he turned the quiet beeping sound off and finished on the last horse before excusing himself and Amber. They left JJ and I to choose my horse.

I walked up and down past the stalls and viewed the horses. I stood with my back close to the fifth stall on the left to look at JJ and I felt something press against my back and push gently. I turned around and looked at the dark black horse.

I heard JJ's footsteps and she walked to my side. "The rider doesn't choose the horse; the horse chooses the rider…" I glanced at her and she smiled and nodded before turning. She walked down to Alaska's stall, "Let me know when you're ready and I'll teach you to take him out and put all the shit on."

I didn't reply, but I heard footsteps fade and I looked beside me to see her exit the barn. I looked back to the black beast in front of me; he was massive, but he was beautiful. His big brown eyes freaked me out a bit, but the more I looked into them, the prettier they looked. They kind of reminded me of Hotch…in a not so animalistic way. His black mane and tail were long and straight; there was only one small dot of white between his eyes and the rest of him was the darkest shade of black I had ever seen on a horse.

I bit my lip to try and hold my small smile back but I realised that I was the only one here. I let it spread across my lips and I lifted my hand. I held it out slightly and the horse sniffed before he made a quiet grunt noise. I petted down from his forelock to his muzzle. I repeated this a few times before I unlatched the stall quietly and stepped in. I closed it again behind me and walked to his side. I ran my hand down his neck and played with his mane briefly before continuing down his back. His fur was smooth, almost silky.

"Hey buddy." I whispered quietly as I walked back to his front and petted, once again, down between his eyes. He nickered quietly and I smiled again. That one sound was enough to make my mind up.

I heard the barn door move and three sets of footsteps. "…Em?" JJ asked.

I walked backwards, making sure I still faced this horse that mightn't trust me at all yet, and I stood at the door of the stall, "In here."

"Oh my god…she's actually in the stall…" I heard Amber say as their footsteps became more prominent.

The three of them refreshed my memory on how to bridle, saddle, and securely tie up a horse. They told me everything about it that I either wouldn't know or that I mightn't remember. Amber had said that tomorrow, we'd start the bonding process between the horse and I. She said I should be up at six, bright and early.

* * *

JJ offered to cook for the four of us tonight, so Amber and Jake sat in the living room and talked while I sat one of the counters in the kitchen and talked to JJ as she started to take ingredients out of the refrigerator and cupboards. The cordless landline phone rang before long and Amber came in to answer it.

"Em, it's for you." Amber said, holding the phone out to me.

I gave her a questioning look before taking it, "Emily."

"You don't identify as Prentiss anymore?" Hotch asked.

I smiled, "Hey, is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine…well almost; I'd be better if you and JJ were here."

"Well it _is_ your fault that we're not."

"For your own good, and it was your psychologist," He said defensively, "So you haven't adjusted, then?"

"I have adjusted fine…I think. I chose a horse today." My voice sounded more excited about that fact than I would have liked to let on. I looked at JJ and she smirked at me.

"I'm sorry, you did what?" I could hear the smile in his voice.

"I chose a horse. They let us have a horse each. We got to name them and everything."

"Is it Hotch? Tell him I said hey." JJ said quietly.

"Hold on, I'm putting you on speaker," I jumped down and pressed the speaker button before putting the phone down. I sat down on a stool at the counter island.

"Hey!" JJ said enthusiastically.

"Hey JJ. The rest of the team is in the next room if you want me to put it on speaker for them?" He offered.

"Please." I smiled. JJ and I made eye contact and she stopped preparing for now. She walked over and stood on the other side of the counter island.

"Okay." Hotch spoke again after several seconds had passed.

"Hey guys," JJ and I said at the same time. We were greeted by the team and we talked to them for a while. They told us about their last case and what was going on in their lives since we left, and JJ talked about how much better she felt here without having Will around. She did express that she got a bit irritated when Amber and Jake cut off her wine intake after one glass, whereas I was always able to have two. I didn't really speak much until Hotch asked me to explain about choosing a horse, and so I spoke about how reluctant I was to leave the house in the first week, but I was happy that I did because now I had the horse that I hadn't named yet. The team then proceeded to continually spout names to me for a short while as JJ returned to preparing dinner.

Eventually, Reid said one that I liked, "Archie. I like Archie." I said.

"Archie and Alaska." JJ smirked at me.

"Can you even ride a horse, Em?" Garcia asked.

"…I can saddle a horse? I did when I was younger and my mother forced me too but I don't really remember."

"Her lessons start tomorrow, six-thirty sharp." JJ said.

"Six-thirty? Amber said six."

"Yeah, you have a half hour for breakfast and to get ready."

"I don't eat breakfast!" I had lost count of the arguments about it over the past week.

"If you ever want to get out of here, you're going to start eating breakfast," Jake said as he walked in behind me, "Either of you want a beer?"

"…Do I still get a glass of wine during dinner?" JJ asked hesitantly.

He considered it before he nodded, "Okay."

"Then yes please." She smiled. I nodded with a smile and thanked him when he opened it and sat it in front of me. She waited for him to leave the room again before she looked at me, "He's letting me have a beer _and_ a glass of wine!"

"Well you're not here to stop drinking; you'd probably go to rehab for that. You're here to not kill yourself."

"You'd think I'd go to an institute or hospital for that."

"But those don't work." I pointed out.

"Hey Em, have you seen or heard… _him…_ since you've been there?" Morgan asked hesitantly.

"Uh…I did the first few days, but I haven't in like three or four days."

"That's good, right? I mean, you used to every day, didn't you?" Reid asked.

"Yeah." I confirmed quietly. JJ glanced at me and saw that I really didn't want to talk about that, so she changed the subject swiftly and I listened quietly, sometimes contributing.

After a while, Hotch took the team off speaker and left the room. I took the phone of speaker here, too, and I went to the next room. I sat down and smiled to myself when I heard his voice again. "Hey."

"Hi," I said quietly, "How are you and Jack?"

"We miss having you around."

"Back at you."

"So your psychologist is visiting you tomorrow. I don't think I was supposed to tell you but I know you'll hate it more if she came unannounced."

I nodded, "Yeah, thanks."

"We're going to come visit as soon as we get a few days that we don't need to be working; there's another case we're leaving for early tomorrow morning."

"What's it about?"

"Three single mothers murdered over the past month; their child goes missing for a few days before turning up. They took care of the children before they killed them, though."

"Maybe a team." I suggested quietly, not really putting much thought into it; it's just what we've seen in past similar cases.

"We don't know much; we'll learn more tomorrow when we see the crime scenes and start looking further into it."

* * *

 _"And then she knew that you could become homesick for people too." - Unknown._


	33. Chapter 33

**Prentiss**

Weeks past and I had gotten the hang of riding Archie very quickly, as well as the other horses that we rode to give ours a break. It was actually really fun to ride with JJ, and even just to wash or brush the horses. I could saddle, unsaddle, and bridle them with my eyes closed, getting the hang of it all again from when I was younger; my mother used to force me to ride. We were both adjusting to riding again in record time, we were flat riding like professionals. It helped that all JJ and I did all day everyday was ride. Yesterday, Jake began working with me and Amber with JJ to teach us to jump. They said it might take a while to learn and we'd need to be patient. Amber was teaching me how to cook more, as well. I used to learn from Rossi and sometimes Hotch and it was more fun with them, but at least I was doing something here that I used to do back home as well.

I was sitting on the porch reading my book now and listening to my music as the sun shone on me. It was late afternoon and JJ and I were taking a break from riding for a while before the sun would start to set; we always rode up the hill every morning at sunrise and every night at sunset. It was a good time for us to talk about whatever was on our minds and to clear our heads. It was beautiful, too, up the hill. We could look over acres of land, trees, and there was a river that ran not far from this property. We were yet to go there; we didn't want to get lost and it looked difficult to find when we were up the hill.

I turned page after page, scanning and absorbing the words, not having a care of what is going on around me. JJ was inside talking to Henry, Amber and Jake were across the backyard before the first paddock starts, both unsaddling their horses; they go for a ride together a few times a week.

JJ came out after a while and tapped my shoulder. I pulled an earphone out and looked at her. "You ready to saddle 'em up?" She smiled.

I returned her smile and nodded. She grabbed our hats from inside as I closed my book and turned my music off. We could have gone without the hats, but it just felt weird when we were riding without them. She put mine on my head as I stood up and we descended the porch steps. I walked down to the left fifth stall and slid the latch before opening it and walking in; I heard JJ doing the same. I put the bridle in place and led Archie out of stall. I tied him to the side of his stall and took the saddle from where it always sat when it wasn't on his back. I threw it over him and started to secure the buckles around him.

Once finished, I led him out of the stables. JJ followed a few metres behind me, and I waved to Amber and Jake before moving the reins over his ears to his back. I lifted my right foot to the stirrup and stood, pulling myself up and throwing my other leg over. I took my hat off, brushed my hair behind my ears so it wouldn't get in my eyes, and put my hat back on. I looked behind me to JJ and I watched her mount Alaska with ease. She smiled and clicked her tongue quietly before kicking her foot against her horses' side lightly. I did the same and we walked through a gate before speeding up to a trot, and then to a gallop once we reached the open space of the paddock. We rode through the paddock, passing through a few open gates and I had to jump down to open one for us, and then to close it behind us, and we set off towards the hill we rode every day.

Once we reached the top, I dismounted from Archie and JJ dismounted Alaska. We pulled the reins back over their heads to hang down and we walked to the large rock that we sat on every night, leaving the horses to graze the grass up here. The sun was just beginning to set.

I sat down and she sat beside me with a sigh, "So Doctor Nicol again yesterday…that was tough. How often do you think she'll visit?"

"Well it's been twice now; hopefully not much more. She didn't take it easy at all." I shook my head.

"…Do you think that we'll ever be ourselves again?"

"We are ourselves…we're just not the same selves that we used to be."

"And do you think Will might change his mind one day?"

"I really don't know, Jayje. Do you think he will?" I looked at her at my side.

She shook her head, "I don't think so. I broke his heart. I just hope that we'll be able to stand being around each other in the near future."

I few seconds of silence past before I dropped my head to the side to rest on her shoulder, "I miss the team…and Jack and Henry and Hotch…and Hotch and Hotch."

She laughed quietly, "You, missy, are in love." She smirked at me.

"I wonder if he'll ever actually ask me out or if he just hadn't been laid in a long time and needed it."

"I think that he loves you, and that he will ask you out one day when we're back home and you're feeling better. When that happens, call me as soon as its acceptable and tell me absolutely everything, because I'm going to have to live my love life through you." We both laughed at that and fell silent again, watching as the sun lowered slowly. "It's your birthday next week," She broke the silence, "What do you want to do?"

"There's nothing _to_ do here," I rolled my eyes, "Let's just ride."

She smiled, "Sounds good."

* * *

I sat at the desk in my room with a notebook in front of me. My psychologist had brought it to me for Garcia; she personalised it, decorated it with all kinds of colour and my name. Here was a note written on the first page that read:

" _Dear Emily,  
we're so proud of everything you've overcome and everything you're continuing to overcome. You're so strong and beautiful, and we miss you so much. Happy birthday baby, we love you more than anything and we will continue to love you until the last star dies; don't forget that.  
– Pen, Derek, Savannah, Spence, Dave, and Aaron." _She had drawn a love heart at the end.

She made one for me and one for JJ, and Doctor Nicol said that she wanted us to write down our thoughts of the day every night before we went to bed. It sounded pointless to me but I agreed anyway.

I couldn't sleep tonight so I sat at the desk with the dim lamp on beside me and I scribbled little drawings over the back page of the notebook. I stopped after a while and flipped back to the first page. I read through the short note that was penned in Garcia's hand writing. I missed them. I bit my lip and considered calling one of them. I stood up and walked to the door, opening it quietly. I snuck downstairs and tried to avoid the two steps on the staircase that creaked. I turned the kitchen light on as I walked in and grabbed the phone. I dialled Hotch's number and listened as it rang. Just when I thought he wouldn't answer, the ringing sound stop and there was a second before he spoke the lazy "Hotchner".

"Hey," I spoke quietly, hoping that I wouldn't wake anyone, "Sorry, I woke you."

"No, it's okay. It's two in the morning, why aren't you asleep?"

"I couldn't. I miss you."

"I miss you too, but Doctor Nicol told me that you were making great progress there."

"That doesn't make it any better." I whispered. He didn't reply for a short while and I didn't speak again, not until JJ walked in, "Oh…hey."

"What are you doing? Is that Hotch?" She asked quietly. I nodded in reply and she smiled sympathetically, "Amber won't be happy that you're not getting any sleep. Don't take too long down here." She grabbed a bottle of water quickly before turning and walking back upstairs quietly.

I bit my lip and took a breath, "Are you on a case?"

"Not at the moment; why?"

"Would you bring my right back here if I left and came back to Virginia?"

"You need to stay there, Emily."

"Well when you left us here, you said that you'd come and visit when you could. You haven't been working _every_ weekend, have you?"

"Emily—"

"No, I'm sorry; that isn't fair on you."

"You sound very tense."

I sighed, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called so late."

"Emily, talk to me. What's got you up and calling?"

I felt tears sting my eyes and I wasn't exactly sure why. I mean, sure I missed the team, Hotch, Jack, and Henry, but it wasn't exactly something that should be making me cry. I dropped my head to rest my cheek in my hand before I replied to him, "I don't know, really. I was reading the little note Garcia had written in that notebook and I just miss everyone so much, but mostly you."

I heard him snicker quietly, "That wouldn't happen to have anything to do with our past activities, would it?" I took a few seconds to think about what he said and it felt like someone punched me in the gut when I realised I had heard him correctly; he did say _past_. Was that not something he wanted to continue once I was back? Being away for a little while doesn't instantly mean it's over unless one of us wants it to be. Then again, I could just be reading way too much into his choice of words.

I forced a small laugh, "Maybe, but I think it's just your company in general…"

There were a few seconds of silence before he spoke even quieter than he had previously, "I think you should go get some sleep." I closed my eyes at the feeling of rejection as they stung, yet again, with tears that threatened to fall.

I nodded to myself and bit my lip to keep the cry back, "Yeah, I guess I'll see you when I get out of here. Bye."

"Good night." He replied. I hung up and put the phone back before tears dripped from my eyes. I dropped my head into my hands and held gentle handfuls of my hair.

I contemplated calling Garcia or Savannah, maybe to ask them if he had been talking about me or if he was seeing someone else, but it was too late in the night for that. I took a deep breath before I stood and walked back out of the kitchen, switching the light off as I past the light switch. I didn't watch my step as I walked upstairs and the creaks weren't quiet at all. I stopped at JJ's door and knocked ever so quietly. I opened it a few seconds later, "You awake?"

"Yeah," She whispered, "Come in."

I stepped further in and shut her door behind me. She saw the tears and titled her head. She motioned for me to come over with a quick movement of her index finger and she pulled the right side of the blankets away from the bed. I walked over and climbed in beside her. She threw the blanket back over me and I adjusted it slightly before rolling to my side and looking at her. She mirrored my position, "What happened?"

"I think he's done with me."

"What makes you say that?" she questioned.

I began to recount my night to her and she listened intently in silence. After I finished and more tears began to leak from my eyes, she pulled me closer to her and held me as I sobbed. "I love him."

"Have you told him that?" She asked quietly.

"No, I was waiting for him to say it first, or at least ask me out on a date, but I guess I was just a booty call."

"Babe, nothing in what you've told me puts any doubt in my mind that he feels _something_ for you. He would never have slept with you the first time, let alone the following, if he didn't feel anything. You know Hotch, he doesn't just fuck; he feels."

I cried for a while before I forced it all to calm down; JJ needed her sleep. "Don't get me wrong, you're really good at comforting and I love our hugs, but I _really_ miss Rossi." I whispered.

I heard her laugh lightly and felt her chest move below my head, "You'll see him again in no time." I was planning on going back to my room after that, but she snuggled further down into the bed and held me willingly, so I allowed my heavy eyes to fall closed and I fell asleep in her embrace.

* * *

 _"I don't know why I'm so afraid to lose you when you're not even mine." - Unknown._


	34. Chapter 34

**Prentiss**

I awoke to JJ, Amber, and Jake all yelling an enthusiastic "happy birthday!" to me. I groaned and pulled the blanket over my head; I hated my birthday, and I especially would today after the week I was having since that late-night call to Hotch. I had been in a bad mood ever since, and JJ had to explain why to Jake and Amber before they called Doctor Nicol with an update.

"Come on, we have presents downstairs and Jake made a _huge_ feast of a breakfast for us; it looks and smells amazing. Come on, come on, come on." JJ jumped on top of my excitedly and pulled the blanket away from my head.

"…Now I see where Henry gets this from." I said in a grouchy voice. As soon as she had jumped on me, I had remembered many a times where Henry had done the same thing in excitement, yelling "get up Aunt Emmy! It's time to get up!" or something along those lines. She smirked at me and pulled the blankets further down. She took both my hands and pulled me up. I groaned again as I moved my legs over the side and stood unwillingly. She pulled me downstairs with her, Jake and Amber only a few steps in front of us. I saw what she meant by " _huge_ feast"; he really went all out. There were all kinds of things; bacon, eggs, toast, French toast, waffles, bagels, muffins. "Uh…did you cook _all_ of this? All by seven in the morning?" I looked at Jake.

He smirked as he spoke his confession, "Amber went out this morning and bought the bagels and muffins."

"What is with the hype?"

"You're thirty-five!"

"Yeah, that's not exactly something I want to celebrate. I mean, I appreciate the effort," I turned to Amber and Jake, "Thank you for all of this, but it's really not necessary."

Amber rolled her eyes, "Just sit down and I'll get you coffee."

I smiled, "Thanks." Jake pulled a chair out and motioned for me to sit down. I held back the eye roll and sat. JJ sat down to my left and smiled when I looked at her. Jake assisted Amber in bringing the four cups of coffee to the table and they both sat down across from us after giving us our mugs. The three of them began to grab what they wanted to eat but I wasn't feeling overly hungry; I was just thinking about how perfect it would be if Hotch, Jack, and the team were here, so now I was just upset. JJ gave me a stern look that told me to eat something, so I settled for the smallest of the blueberry muffins and I pulled small pieces from it to eat as the other three talking and laughed.

"Hey," I looked at JJ after their talk had stopped momentarily, "My alarm to ride Archie didn't go off this morning…and you never woke me to ride…"

She smirked, "We're going later and still tonight."

"But we always go for sunrise _and_ sunset."

She raised her eyebrows, "You didn't appreciate the sleep in?"

"No, I did, I just miss Archie." I pouted and it turned to a smile after they laughed at me. I joined them and sipped at my coffee before taking yet another tiny piece of muffin. I listened silently again to their conversation before – eventually – I finished my coffee and muffin. I excused myself and went upstairs to shower. I felt an urge to purge but I resisted it successfully. I wanted to go home and in order to do that, I needed to get better. Completely better. I had been doing it on occasion here but not every night; not even remotely as frequently as I used to.

After showering and brushing my teeth and my hair out, I got changed and made my way back downstairs. I smiled at Amber and Jake as I passed the living room and JJ met me at the door. She had a wicker basket on her arm and she smiled as she sat my hat upon my head. I smiled and walked out of the house a step before her.

We readied the horses like we did every morning, although we had a bit more light today, and I led Archie outside before mounting him swiftly and with ease. I waited as JJ led Alaska out and she asked me to hold the basket. I went to look inside but she yelled at me before I could and she mounted her horse quickly. She took the basket back and I smirked at her. Why couldn't I see what was in it? "Alright, let's go." She smiled. I nodded and sped to a trot as we left in the direction we always did, JJ and Alaska beside Archie and I.

"Have fun!" I heard Amber call behind us. I waved briefly with my back still to them as I kicked Archie's side again softly and clicked my tongue twice. He sped to a gallop and I smiled wide as I felt the wind through my hair and on my face. This was the only thing I really enjoyed about being on the farm.

* * *

JJ and I had been out all day. We were on the same hill we always went to with the horses for a while, but then JJ suggested we finally take the challenge and go and find the river. I agreed, not overly eager to return to the farm house, and we rode the horses back down the hill and slowed them to a walk as we entered the trees of the forestry. We had eventually found the river and we ended up stripping to our underwear and swimming for a while; it was pretty deep. Then we talked as we lay in a circle of sunlight that shone through a gap in the trees and ate the lunch that JJ had brought in the basket for us. We waited until late evening when the sun began to lose its heat and we made our way back towards the farm.

We trotted in and I dismounted Archie beside the barn. I pulled the reins over his head so that I could lead him in and JJ dismounted Alaska. "Hey, can you please take her into her stall? I'll come in and unsaddle her in a minute."

"Yeah, sure." I took the reins from her and I led both horse into the stables. She walked the other direction quickly and I wondered where she was going, not that I was overly curious. I took Alaska into her stall and then led Archie to his. I removed all the gear from him and put it all back in its rightful place before I decided to do the same for Alaska. JJ still hadn't come back so I assumed she might be a while.

I left the barn slowly and saw JJ walking towards me, "Don't worry, I sorted her." I smiled.

JJ mirrored my smile, "Thanks, and now you must come with me."

"Please tell me this isn't something for my birthday." I rolled my eyes as she grabbed my arm and pulled me along quickly, an excited bounce in her walk.

We walked across the farm and around a large bunch of trees before reaching the other side of them, the area that was previously out of sight from where I had been. It was usually just a big open grass area with a small metal table and chairs under the big tree but now it was decked out with tall erected wooden poles with cords of an extreme amount of fairy lights strung between them. There was a fire pit in the middle with big logs surrounding it for us to sit. Amber's loud Bluetooth speaker was sitting by the furthest pole. There were a few ice boxes around with beer, wine, and bourbon in them. The thing that really caught my eye and excited me was the sight of the six people standing with Amber and Jake.

"Happy birthday!" They all yelled in unison, JJ included. My mouth fell open in shock and my eyes watered, but I couldn't speak. Looking at them now, I hadn't realised just how much I missed them.

Savannah approached me first and hung a Hawaiian flower lei around my neck before hugging me tightly. As soon as I parted from her, I was engulfed in Garcia's tight hug that I returned willingly. I was then hugged by Reid, Morgan, and Rossi. I hung onto Rossi a bit longer than I did with the previous four. "I miss you so much." I whispered as more tears stung my eyes and I tried to blink them away before they fell.

"I missed you, Mia figlia cara." He kissed both my cheeks before we parted.

I looked at Hotch and hesitated inside, but I hugged him as I did the others, although nowhere near as long as I did Rossi. Once I parted from him, I looked down and turned my attention to Amber and Jake, not giving him a chance to say anything. "And you've been planning this for how long?"

"Only two weeks," Amber smirked. She stepped forwards and hugged me briefly, "Happy birthday, you stubborn bitch of a thing." We both laughed. I hugged Jake too and then looked around.

"Alright, well I'll get the fire started then." Jake said as he picked up a cup of gasoline and poured it over the wood of the fire. He lit a match a second later and through it between two of the bigger logs and into the large bunch of hay and twigs at the bottom. Amber got her phone out and walked to the speaker to connect her Bluetooth, and JJ smiled at me when I met her eyes.

"Still in shock?" She asked. I nodded and we both laughed.

Morgan walked over to me and slung his arm around my shoulders. He cracked open a beer and handed it to me. I took it and he kissed my cheek, "Happy birthday, princess. How old are you now? 50?"

I dropped my mouth open again and hit him lightly, "Shut up, I'm 35."

"You look like a real cowgirl," Reid smirked, "How long did it take you to step near the horses?"

"Only a week," I smirked, "But I only really go near mine and JJ's." We all laughed and sat around the fire. I sat on one log with JJ to my left. To the next log on her left sat Morgan, Savannah, and Garcia, and the long across from us sat Amber and Jake. Reid, Rossi, and Hotch sat on the log to my right, Hotch sitting closest to me out of the three. I avoided his eyes the best I could. They told us stories, about cases, and lots of jokes that left me in tears from laughing so hard. JJ, Amber, and Jake all told so many stories to them about me since I'd been here and I told a few about JJ.

Once we were drunk enough, JJ, Garcia, Savannah, and I all ended up dancing with our drinks and laughing. We even got Amber and Morgan to dance with us a few times, and we managed to pull Reid with us and dance around him; JJ grinded on him at one point and he looked so uncomfortable. It wasn't quite as fun dancing here than it used to be when we went out to nightclubs, but it was better than nothing and I loved having the team back, even if it was just for a night.

* * *

I had avoided Hotch successfully for the most part of the night until JJ sorted sleeping arrangements, to which she had Garcia with her, Morgan and Savannah in the other double bed in one of the spare rooms, Rossi in the other spare room with the double bed and Reid in there too on a mattress on the floor, and left Hotch to stay in my room. So I was fine until the early hours of the morning when we all decided to call it a night. They all went to their rooms and I stayed outside, convincing JJ and Amber that I'd be right in. Instead, I started to clean up all the empty bottles and cans that Amber and Jake had said they'd get tomorrow.

"Hey, we'll clean it all up tomorrow. You need to get some sleep." Hotch said from behind me, startling me.

"Yeah, been hearing a lot of that from you." I mumbled quietly.

"What?"

I turned and looked at him, "So Rossi and Reid told me about this woman they've never met that they're confident you're sleeping with. At first I thought maybe it was me they were talking about, but then they mentioned the times of you showing up to work over the past few weeks with an attitude that only getting laid the previous night would give you. I don't mind that you've moved on, but it would have been nice of you to tell me that what we had was just a temporary fix. I wasn't aware that I was just your booty call."

"Emily, you know that—"

"I really don't want to talk about it anymore; I've done enough of that with JJ. Just go to bed." I shook my head and turned back. I picked up another can before I felt his hand on my shoulder. It moved down my arm slowly and gently until he reached my hand. He held it and spun me back around to look at him. "Don't." I snapped quietly.

"Emily, listen to me, please?" He looked into my eyes. I sighed irritably and looked away from his eyes, although I didn't turn away. "I'm not seeing anyone else, okay? I was in a good mood on those mornings because they were either the mornings after I spoke to you on the phone, or the mornings after I spoke to Amber and Jake when we were preparing this," He motioned around us, "You weren't – aren't a booty call, Em."

I looked back at him with doubtful eyes, "Right. Well even if that was true, you made it pretty clear the last time we talked on the phone that it was past tense, so it was never a serious thing for you."

"And how did I make that "clear"?"

" _Past activities,"_ I quoted what he had said to me, "or when I said that I missed your company in general, you replied with "you should get some sleep" or something like that. I obviously don't mean that much to you."

"This is the alcohol in your system talking. Can we please discuss this tomorrow? Sober?"

"It isn't the alcohol talking. It's the alcohol giving me the _confidence_ to talk to you about it like this, but this is just me in general talking."

He shook his head, "Just please come inside and upstairs to bed, and we can talk about this tomorrow."

"There's nothing to talk about. You didn't feel anything, that's fine. I figured that no one would ever love me again after Chris anyway, so it doesn't really hurt that much." That was a lie. My chest was physically aching and I was struggling to hold tears back.

His face softened at the words, "Look at me." He said quietly. I kept my eyes down to where they had dropped since my remark about Chris, and I refused to lift them when he asked. He closed the distance between us and put his finger under my chin to look at him, "Emily, you know how much you mean to me."

"…Yeah, not much. That's what I'm saying here," He went to speak again but I shook my head and spoke before he could, "I'm tired, I'm going to bed." I dropped the bottle and squished can back to the ground and walked around him with my head bowed. He followed behind me and I refused to speak again as I walked into my room and changed into my pyjamas. I had glimpsed at him through the mirror as I changed my shirt and saw him watching from behind me, biting his lip and fighting temptation. I wished he had just taken me, but I knew he wouldn't have, considering we had both been drinking and he knew I was angry with him. I lay down in bed in silence, my back to him, and I turned the lamp out before closing my eyes.

* * *

 _"She didn't just feel unloved, she felt indifference, and that is something that cuts like a knife when it comes from someone you love. She just couldn't take any more scars." - J M Storm_


	35. Chapter 35

**Prentiss**

I woke in the late morning and felt a warmth against my back. I adjusted to my surroundings quickly and looked at Hotch's arm around my waist, holding me tightly and protectively to him. I knew he wasn't asleep because I couldn't hear his evened breathing, but I didn't dare move again to let him know that I was awake. Just a few more minutes in the comfort of his touch would be okay, but only if he thought I was asleep. I was still angry and upset.

A while past before he spoke quietly, "I know you're awake."

"Don't speak to me, get your arm off me." I said quickly and quietly.

He sighed quietly and a few seconds past before I felt his arm slide off me slowly. I hated that it was; I was tempted to catch his hand before it got too far away and pull it back around me. "You didn't seem to have a problem with it five minutes ago…" He commented in a mumble as he sat up. I didn't say anything to that, I just closed my eyes and wished for the tension to go away. It was my fault, of course it was, but I still hated it. I felt the weight lift off that side of the bed and a few seconds later, I heard the door open and close. I opened my eyes and tears dripped from them down my face and onto my pillow.

I got up after what felt like an hour and went to have a shower. I washed my hair and shaved, moving slowly to buy all the time away from Hotch that I could, and then I finally decided that enough was enough. I got out and blow dried my hair, brushed it out, and then walked back to my room with my towel wrapped around me tightly. I got changed and took a deep breath before walking out of my room and downstairs.

"Morning sunshine." Garcia smiled at me as I entered the kitchen; they all sat only metres away in the dining room.

"Hey." I greeted them all, trying to sound as nonchalant as I could. I poured myself a cup of coffee and took another silent deep breath before turning and joining them at the table. Amber was in here too but I wasn't sure where Jake was. "Where's Jake?"

"…He's doing something out on the farm." She nodded.

My eyes narrowed at her, "Doing _what_ out on the farm?"

Amber looked at JJ and she rolled her eyes before looking at me, "There's a bit of a problem, and Amber and I are going to help just as soon as we've woke up properly and we're going to sort it all out."

"…And that problem is?" I raised my eyebrows.

She hesitated but she knew she'd give in eventually anyway, "The horses got out last night; we're not sure when but we're assuming it was after we went to bed."

" _All_ of them?" I asked, sitting forwards and uncrossing my legs. JJ nodded in confirmation. "How the hell do eleven horses all get out in one night and disappear?"

Amber shook her head, "We don't know how, it just did. It's happen only once before but it was during a storm and it was years ago, and we only had four horses at the time." I drank back the rest of my coffee and stood up. I rinsed the cup and walked out of the room. "Hey! You're not going to help him; it's too dangerous out there on foot!" Amber called after me.

I stopped and walked back in, looking at her, "Is Archie gone?" She and JJ glanced at each other before looking back at me. "Then I'm going." I walked back out and I heard footsteps follow me.

"When will you be back?" Hotch asked me quietly.

I sighed and avoided looking up towards him as I slid my boots on at the door and put my hat on, "I don't know. When I find Archie and the other ten horses."

"Then I'm coming with you."

"No, you're not." I shook my head.

"Emily, we have to talk about this and you know that we do."

"It's really simple Hotch. This," I motioned between us, "is what I wanted, but it was not what you wanted, and so it isn't happening. It happened, it stopped, end of story." I looked at him as I finished speaking and my eyes were cold and stubborn.

He shook his head, "Not end of story; we will talk about this again whenever you're not busy next." With that, he turned and walked back to the kitchen. I let out the breath I had been holding since I met his eyes and I walked out of the house quickly. I went to walk towards the stables to get Archie before I remembered that I was only leaving to find him, and so I sighed as I continued to them and took two halters and two leads. I walked back out and sighed as I glanced around at the visible land before setting off in the direction of the hill that JJ and I rode to so frequently.

* * *

I eventually reached the top of the hill, my ankles sore, my lungs struggling to find sufficient oxygen as the air thinned, and my body hot. Once I reached the same place that JJ and I came twice a day, on a usual day that is, I sighed in relief. I walked over and clicked my tongue to make my presence known to both Archie and Alaska.

"Hey boy, what are you doing up here?" I spoke quietly and calmly to him as I approached him. He stood still, only his jaw moving as he ate the grass. I stood in front of him and petted from between his ears, down to his muzzle. I did this a few times before I sorted his halter and applied it to him, making sure it was secure and not too tight. I clipped one of the leads on and tied him to a tree before approaching Alaska slowly; she wasn't as fond of me as Archie was, "Hey girl, it's okay." I whispered before stroking her the same I had Archie. I repeated for her what I had done for him and clipped her lead onto her halter too. I untied Archie and mounted him bareback. I only trotted with him, holding onto Alaska's lead as I did.

When I finally got them back to the farm and outside the stables, I saw JJ coming over quickly as I dismounted Archie. I handed her the lead and she thanked me before petting Alaska and kissing above her muzzle. "Where'd you find them?" She asked as I petted Archie.

"The hill," I said quietly. I tied him to the wooden fence nearby and walked into the barn. I put his bridle and reins on top of his saddle pad and saddle. I lifted it all up and carried it back outside. The team was walking over as I reached Archie again and I dropped the bridle and reins to the ground before managing to put the pad and the saddle at the same time. I took his halter off and replaced it with the bridle before throwing the reins over to his back.

"Want me to come?" JJ asked as I mounted him again with ease.

I shook my head, "No, stay here and entertain them," I motioned to the team, "Show them around or something." I clicked my tongue and kicked Archie's side lightly. I pulled on the rein to turn him around.

"Don't get in a freak accident and die." JJ said casually as I started walking away.

"Not planning on it." I shook my head. I clicked my tongue twice this time and kicked him again.

I followed trails through the trees surrounding the property, I rode by the river, and I ran through fields and clearings. I was looking for the horses, sure, but I was also out here to get away from Hotch as long as I could, and I was trying to think of anything that I could say to him. How would I let him go? I had been attracted to him for years, although I could never have given into it before, and he was everything and more I could have asked for of a friend after everything I had ever gone through and everything I had ever put that team through. There was a lot I could apologise and thank him for, but there was nothing I could say that would make this feeling go away. It hurt, my god did it hurt; more than anything else in the world, but how could I possibly ask him to stay? I haven't done a thing for him that has ever compared to what he's done for me; mix in the mental instability, the arguments and stubbornness, the attitude, and there wasn't anything I could ever say to make anything up to him.

I stopped riding once my tears overwhelmed me and I couldn't hold them back anymore. I dismounted Archie and dropped to my knees as I sobbed. Why was this always so hard? Why did nothing ever go my way anymore? I moved and sat against a tree, pulling my knees to my chest and dropping my head to them. A long while past before I pulled myself together and got up. I mounted Archie once again and rode again, continuing further away from the farm.

* * *

It was early evening by the time Jake and I had rounded all the horses up. I had unsaddled Archie and removed his bridle once he was in his stall. I double checked every latch in the stables before I left and went up to the house where Amber and JJ were cooking a feast for us and our guests. I went straight upstairs and showered. I got changed into one of my own pairs of jeans and a casual shirt, not one that Amber had bought me. My hair was brushed out and hung over my shoulder. I went back downstairs and to the kitchen and dining.

"Wow…" JJ said as she turned and looked at me, "When was the last time you wore clothes that _weren't_ suitable for the farm?"

"Not since out second week here, I think," I nodded. The phone rang then and I saw Amber and JJ both had their hands dirty with whatever ingredient they were preparing, and I wasn't sure where Jake was; probably still upstairs. I walked to the phone quickly and answered the call, "Clarke residence."

"Hey Em, it's Will."

"Oh, Will…hey." I looked up to JJ. She spun around faster than I thought would be possible with wide eyes.

"Is JJ there?"

"Yeah, she's just upstairs; I'll get her for you." I put the phone on hold and sat it down beside me.

"What are you doing?" She asked me as she washed her hands quickly and dried them so she could take the phone.

"Make him wait." I looked down and inspected my nails.

"What? No. Why would I do that?"

"Because he's been calling almost every night and I'm pretty sure you spend more time talking to him than you do to Henry, and that tells me that he's interested again now that you're not so insane, and so you need to play it cool and make him wait."

"…Yeah, he's actually still married to me…which means he doesn't have to wait." She snatched the phone before I could take it from her reach and she laughed at my eye roll as she walked out of the room quickly.

I turned and looked back to Amber. We both shook our heads when our eyes met. "She's just going to get hurt again…" She said quietly.

"To be fair, she only got hurt the first time as a result of her own stupidity." I stepped off the stool I was sitting on and walked around the counter. I took over what JJ had been doing and listened as the team talked to each other.

"So how's your girl going while you're away? She know where you are?" Morgan smirked at Hotch.

He shook his head, "How many times do you want me to tell you that there is no girl?"

"There's a girl." Rossi nodded.

I smirked at Hotch, trying not to blow anything for us, "A girl? Do tell."

He looked at me with hard eyes, but all he did was shake his head and deny the existence of a girl back home. His use of the words _"back home"_ when he said it the second time sparked a small fire of hope inside of me, but I tried to suppress it. He wasn't serious about this and I was angry about that. I listened as they all told me about what had been going on in their individual lives and I laughed at the humorous comments being thrown around. "What about you, Reid? What's your life been like without me in it?"

He cleared his throat and adjusted in his seat, "Great," he smirked as my mouth fell open in false offense, "Nah, nothing is really different...apart from the absence of you and JJ, anyway."

The whole team looked at me with knowing eyes and I knew that there was something big up, I just couldn't decipher the feel of the situation. "Come on Reid, _something_ must be happening…" I pushed.

"Well…uh…my mother died…but nothing other than that." He looked down at his hands on the table as he spoke hesitantly.

I stopped tossing the salad I had just put together and looked up, my mouth open slightly in shock, "Spence, I'm so sorry."

He shook his head, "I knew it was going to happen sooner or later," He stood up, "I'll be right back."

I watched him silently as he walked out of the room quickly and I looked back to the team once he was out of my sight. "It's not that you asked, it's just still recent and he hasn't really spoken about it at all. This was the first time he told one of us voluntarily. We don't even know how." Morgan said.

I nodded and looked back to where he had disappeared to. I put the salad forks down and looked at Amber, "I'll be right back." She nodded with a small smile and I walked out of the kitchen and followed where Reid had gone. I found him looking at books near the front door of the house and I stood beside him for a short while in silence before I decided to speak, "I'm sorry for asking…"

"No, it's okay."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked him quietly, turning to look at him.

He glanced at me before shaking his head, "Maybe tomorrow; we still have to eat with the team and you need to talk to Hotch."

My eyes narrowed at that. How did he know that Hotch and I "needed" to talk and how much did he know about why? I decided that that could wait, "You could have called if you wanted to talk about it sooner."

"I know, I just don't think I'm ready yet."

I nodded, "Okay…so then can I ask why I need to talk to Hotch?"

"I don't know, I just heard him talking to JJ about how he desperately needs to talk to you about it. I don't know what _it_ is, but it sounded urgent."

"Hm…" I hummed, looking away and pretending as if I had no idea, "Well, if you want to talk earlier then tomorrow, I'm around."

He smiled as he turned and put his arms around me. I hugged him back willingly and his arms tightened, "I miss you."

I closed my eyes as they filled with tears, "I miss you too. So much." After a few more seconds, we parted and walked back to the kitchen. I sniffed and wiped my eyes as I did and he gave me a questioning look. "What?"

"Why are you crying?"

"Because I miss you." I closed my eyes and laughed at myself as I wiped my cheeks. He laughed at me and pushed me lightly before walking back to the table and sitting back where he originally was between Rossi and Garcia. I walked back to the kitchen and washed my hands again before finishing tossing the salad and then helping Amber with the potatoes she was preparing. I still didn't know where JJ was; probably still talking to Will. She'd be a while, and Jake was still upstairs too.

* * *

 _"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." - Winnie the Pooh._


	36. Chapter 36

**Prentiss**

"Just listen to me!" Hotch raised his voice, "Please?" He lowered it for his plea. We had been arguing for a while now in my room. Everyone else had since gone to their rooms after we had dinner and then a few drinks as we played board games in the living room. I spent most of the evening by Rossi's side, having missed him so much. He didn't seem to mind one bit. Now I was praying that Hotch and I were quieter than it sounded to me because if we were as loud as I thought, the team may very well be able to hear our words.

"This is clearly not what you—"

"I swear to god if you say "want"," He shook his head, cutting me off, "Is this you trying to end things with me while trying to make it seem like it's my fault? Because if you don't want us to happen anymore then that's fine, I can't change what you want, but don't you dare try and blame this on me."

"I never said I wanted us to stop."

"And neither did I! Morgan, Rossi, and Reid have no idea about u, and so they're assuming I'm seeing someone else. Do you really think I would be stupid enough to cheat on someone like you? I wouldn't do that because for one, you terrify me, and two, you're too good to lose."

"You can't cheat on someone that you're not dating…" I mumbled quietly.

"That's what all this is about? That I haven't taken you out on a date? Or officially referred to you as my girlfriend, or other half or something? Because in case you haven't noticed, things have been a little tough lately."

I shook my head as tears filled my eyes again. I tried to blink them away as I took a deep breath before I spoke, "You shouldn't be with someone you don't love."

"So what you're trying to tell me is that you don't love me?"

"No, that is definitely not what I am saying, because that would be false…" I didn't want to say it first and I wouldn't, but that didn't mean that I couldn't imply it, "What I am saying is that I know that you don't love me."

He shook his head, "When did I ever express that I didn't love you? This is about Chris, isn't it? Of course it is, because the other night you said that you knew that no one would love you after Chris," He nodded as he ran his hand through his hair. He was contemplating what to do or say next. He took both my hands gently and pulled me to the side of the bed before pushing me back to sit. I fell back and sat on the bed. He dropped down to his knees in front of me and looked up into my eyes, "You're broken."

"No." I shook my head and turned my head to look away from him as more tears stung my eyes.

"Look at me," he held my chin gently and turned me back to face him. He spoke again once my eyes met his and stayed there, "You are broken, and I completely understand that. All I am asking of you is that you give me a chance to fix that. Please, Emily?" I closed my eyes but I didn't reply; I didn't shake or nod my head, I just sat and tried desperately to hold my sobs back. Just when I was about to open my eyes again, I felt his lips press against mine softly. I didn't want to respond – I wanted to push him back and either continue to discuss this and work it out or end it like I knew it should be for him to feel better – but I responded immediately. My lips moved against his and my hand sat on his forearm beside me briefly before it brushed up his arm, touched his cheek, and then moved to sit against the back of his neck.

He stood up and moved me backwards to lay down on the bed as he climbed over me, his hands drifting down to my hips. I wrapped both legs around him and intensified the kiss. He lifted me with one arm and held himself up with the other and lay me correctly on the bed, my head on the pillows. After a while of kissing and my clothes stripped to just my underwear, him just to his boxers, he pulled away and I whimpered.

"Where are you going?" I asked as he crawled off the bed.

"Well I've heard that you're into a bit of BDSM, and while I'm not extremely comfortable with the inflicting pain side of it, I don't see the harm in tying you up…" I smirked and bit my lip as he walked to my closet.

* * *

I woke early and didn't dare move an inch. Hotch lay over me, his head resting in my neck, his arm draped over me, and our legs entwined. I closed my eyes as I thought through last night. I smiled and opened my eyes when I felt his lips press against my neck. I looked down to him and his eyes met mine. I smiled again and a small gasp left me when his hand moved from my stomach, down one thigh, across and up the other until he reached where he his aim was. I closed my eyes as he worked.

After a while, I lay breathless and he kissed my cheek before sitting up. I would have returned the favour once I could move again but he was already up and getting fresh clothes out of his bag. "Good morning." He winked before leaving the room swiftly, probably to have a shower.

I closed my eyes and couldn't fight the smile on my lips. I rolled over across the bed and lay with my face down in the pillow he had been sleeping on; it smelt faintly of his aftershave. I loved that smell. I heard a knock on the door and shot up. "Just a minute." I jumped up quickly and almost tripped as I ran around the room and threw our clothes into places that they would be unseen. I neatened the bed a bit and slid my robe on quickly before walking to the door and opening it. Garcia stood on the other side with a large smirk. "…What?"

She walked in and closed the door behind her. She pulled me to the bed and sat down, pulling me down with her, "I walked past your room like ten minutes ago and it sounded like you were enjoying yourself. Don't worry, no one else would have heard anything, but tell me everything!"

I smiled and shook my head, looking down, "I don't know what you're talking about."

She rolled her eyes, "Fine, don't tell me. I know it's only for a few days, but is it good having him around again?" My smile faltered and she noticed. "Why are you making that face?"

"Is it wrong to keep doing this? I mean, we're keeping it from the guys, we can't ever tell anyone if I ever happen to return to the BAU. I love him a lot, but I know that he doesn't love me, so is it wrong to let this go on?"

"God, I miss these conversations," She said quietly before answering me, "No, I don't think it's wrong. I think that it makes you happy, and although I disagree with you and I think that he does love you, if Hotch wanted to stop, he would. As far as I'm concerned, as long as there's consent from both sides, it's completely okay."

I smiled and looked down, "Do _you_ think he's seeing someone?"

"I think he's seeing you."

"But the guys—"

"The guys don't know a thing about the two of you. If they knew, they'd understand Hotch's moods. They only think he's seeing someone else because they don't know. About that, when are you going to tell them?"

"…I was waiting for Hotch to do it. I don't think he wants to…and that is because he doesn't see us getting anywhere further than the bed."

"Well, I think you're wrong and I think I just heard the shower stop so I'm going to leave before he comes back in here. See you later." She stood and walked to the door quickly. I watched her leave before I fell backwards and lay on the bed, staring at the roof above me.

I sighed and got up after a while. I went and had a quick shower once Hotch was out of the bathroom and changed into my usual wear for the past time here, and I brushed my hair before going downstairs. They were nowhere to be found inside, and so I got a mug of coffee before making my way out to the porch where I saw them all.

"Hurry up and finish that. We're taking them riding." JJ smirked.

I looked around my team, "Do any of you know how to ride?"

"Nope." Morgan shook his head. Savannah shook hers too.

"I haven't ridden before, but I can't say I don't know how to. It's really quite simple, if you just—"

"Reid," I held my hand up, "It's a yes or no question."

"Oh…well no."

I looked at Hotch, Rossi, and Garcia. I knew Garcia had ridden as a child, so she would only need some refreshers and to relearn some stuff like JJ and I had. They both nodded in response to my question. I looked back at JJ, "You're in charge of those three." I motioned to Reid, Savannah, and Morgan.

She rolled her eyes, "Can't be that hard."

I raised my eyebrows and nodded, "Right…well good luck." I drank my coffee quickly and took the mug back inside. I walked back towards the door and slid my boots on. I took my hat and flipped it over onto my head as I exited the house again. "Alright, let's go then."

* * *

It took us a while to teach them all how to saddle and bridle a horse properly. We had discovered throughout the day that Reid definitely was not a fan of horses, Garcia remembered quickly and only had to learn a few things, Hotch and Rossi rode like they had been doing it recently, and Savannah and Morgan were very fast learners. Morgan was a bit impatient, but he handled it fine. We rode up the hill and showed them where JJ and I would go every morning and night, we showed them the river, we showed them the whole farm from corner to corner. We ended back up the hill again as the sun began to set and JJ and I dismounted immediately. We tied the horses to the nearby trees that we always did and waited for the others to follow suit.

"It's beautiful." Garcia said quietly once they were all approaching us.

I smiled, "It's my favourite place here."

"…How much do you the two of you like it here?" Hotch asked hesitantly.

JJ looked at him quickly, "Why?"

He smiled, knowing full well – like the rest of us – what she was hoping to hear next, "Because Dave and I spoke to Doctor Nicol last night and she's been in constant touch with Amber and Jake, and she thinks that the both of you have made enough progress here than you may ever make and that you can come home."

I closed my eyes. I had been thinking about this all day; what I would do if it were offered soon. I didn't expect it to be _this_ soon. I still had so much to work out on my own, so much in my mind to sort through. JJ, Savannah, and Garcia squealed as JJ hugged them before she hugged Reid and Morgan, both wearing large smiles. Rossi smiled and kissed her cheek when she hugged him, and then she hugged and thanked Hotch. After a few more seconds, I opened my eyes and felt JJ touch my shoulder, "Why are you not happy?"

"Yeah, you were just told that you can come home?" Savannah questioned.

"Home as in Virginia…with us!" Garcia said excitedly.

I nodded, "I know what I was just told, I'm just not so sure that I want to," I saw Garcia's shoulders slump out the corner of my eye and JJ sigh quietly. I turned to face the team, "It's not any of you, I just don't think that I want to go back there and act as though nothing ever happened. I mean, I don't even know if Chris is completely gone yet."

"But you haven't heard or seen him even once since our first week here…" JJ said quietly.

I nodded, "But that doesn't mean that he won't come back. I met him in Virginia, I fell in love with him in Virginia…I left with him in Virginia. He died in Virginia."

"But it was only in your head…"

"And being there might remind me every day of everything he did and every mistake that I made. I'm not ready to face that possibility yet."

She shook her head and I knew she was getting either angry or irritated; I couldn't determine which one yet. "You told me that you were letting go and that you were happy with who you're seeing now."

"And I am happy with who I'm seeing now, and I am trying to let go, but it's not that easy. Surely you understand that; you couldn't even wait ten seconds before you took that phone from me last night."

"Okay, that is completely different, and you obviously aren't as happy as you say you are if you haven't let go."

I raised my eyebrows, "Boy, are you making me want to come back home right now," I said sarcastically, "And he has nothing to do with this so do not try and bring him into it or use him against me," My voice was calm and quiet, but she was definitely angry, "Why are you getting so angry? Just because I might not go home yet doesn't mean that you can't."

"Yes it does because I'm not leaving you here on your own. Literally the only thing that would make me hesitant is Alaska," She motioned to the horses behind her, "but I know that she'll be fine and that I can come see her whenever I want. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated with you?"

"You're _making_ it complicated, JJ."

She shook her head and turned, walking back to the horses quickly. I raised my eyebrows and looked back at the team. Hotch stepped forward and touched my arm briefly as he walked away, "Walk with me." I sighed and smiled at the others before running to catch up to him. We walked for a short while before he stopped and turned to me. "What is that about?"

"What?"

"JJ, Amber, and Jake all told me that you hate it here and I doubt that they're all suspecting the wrong thing, so why don't you want to come back? I thought you'd be happy…"

"I am happy that I am allowed to come back, and I don't exactly like it here, no."

"Then what is it?"

"I'd rather not talk about it." I shook my head.

"It's me, isn't it?" He concluded.

I sighed and looked away, "I just know that when I come back and you start seeing me more again, then you're going get sick of me and you're going to end it and then I'm not going to be able to stay." I looked back at him.

He shook his head as he looked away and snickered in disbelief, "Why are you so convinced that I don't love you?"

"…I didn't mean to offend you or make you angry, Aaron. I just know what it's like to—"

He shook his head again as he cut me off, "Maybe if you stopped telling yourself and others all the time that I don't love you, then maybe you wouldn't be convinced. Yeah, Garcia told me. Thank you for letting me know that the girls knew, by the way."

I looked down and closed my eyes, "Sorry that I told them."

He huffed quietly, "I don't care that they know, Emily. I don't care if you want to tell Dave, Morgan, and Reid or if you want me to tell them. What I care about is the lack of commitment you seem to think I have to you." I bit my lip and looked at him. He shook his head, "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart."

I closed my eyes again and smiled at his term of endearment. I loved it when he gave me nicknames like that; it happened to rarely. I felt his finger touch my chin gently and he pushed my head back up from where it had dropped, and his lips pressed to mine. I kissed him back multiple times before I pulled away, "The team is waiting." I whispered quietly. He took his hands away from where they had been resting on my hips and winked at me before walking past me, back towards the way we had come. I smiled to myself and followed a step behind him.

When we got back to the team, I saw JJ laughing at Reid, and the others were smiling, all listening to them talk. They quietened when we reached them and I walked to JJ's side slowly. She looked at me hopefully and tilted her head slightly as if to ask for me to give in and go home. I smiled and nodded slightly. She smiled wide and hugged me, whispering her thanks in my ear. The rest of the team hugged me briefly, and then JJ decided we should head back to the farm before it got dark. I took a few extra seconds to look over the sun that had almost gone down completely as the others untied and mounted their horses. Hotch touched my hand briefly, probably already ensuring no one was watching before he did, and motioned for me to come. I walked by his side to the horses and we untied them before mounting. JJ and I led the way down the hill and towards the farm; they followed at their own pace. We couldn't gallop of course, because there was no way we'd even try and get Morgan, Savannah, and Reid to do it, and so we just walked, sometimes cantered.

I wouldn't be going home to Virginia, I would be going home to Hotch – to be with him and Jack and it be in his arms again – because that's what home really felt like to me.

* * *

" _She knew she loved him when 'home' went from being a place to being a person." – E. Leventhal_


	37. Chapter 37

**Prentiss**

The drive home was long, but thankfully, JJ and Garcia were in the car with us so I could talk to Hotch how I wanted; I didn't have to watch what I say to make sure no one suspected anything. I held his hand on the centre console and bounced in my chair when I expressed how excited I was to see Jack. Hotch just smiled and kept his eyes on the road, JJ and Garcia both made a small "aww" sound.

"Why didn't you bring him with you?" I asked.

"Because I didn't want him to blow anything to the team. Once again, I was not aware that the girls knew at the time."

I smirked, "Yeah, well I was never going to keep it from them. I told them as soon as I could after our first few nights together."

"Well you should have told me; then I wouldn't have felt as awkward when they asked me if I was seeing anyone."

I laughed and looked over my shoulder, "Why were you asking him that?"

"Wanted to see if he'd come clean." Garcia laughed.

"When are you going to tell the guys?" JJ asked.

"When Hotch decides he wants to."

"No, you decide when you want them to know and then I'll tell them." He glanced at me.

"No, you're deciding." I looked out the window at my side.

"You're deciding."

"We're not arguing again." Silence filled the car as he smirked and shook his head. We were both stubborn, but I was always going to win that one.

"…So are you officially dating or are you still friends with benefits?" JJ asked after a while.

"Uh…that's all Emily." Hotch lay that decision on me before I could palm it off to him.

"Ah shit…well I'm going to say friends with benefits," I looked at him. He turned his head quickly and looked at me with worried eyes. "Only because you haven't actually asked me or taken me on a date or anything."

"Are you serious?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Dead serious." I smirked. I laughed to myself as he shook his head and looked back to the road. I didn't know why he was so hesitant to ask me out to dinner or wherever he would take me on a date but I wouldn't let him off; I was going to keep referring to him as friend until he took me out and that was something I was sure of. If he decided never to take me on a date then we would never be dating.

We were almost back to Virginia, I could see how excited JJ was getting behind me; I had a bet on with the girls; I bet that she'd be gone as soon as we got back to go see Will and Henry, Savannah had on that she'd spent a bit of time with us first before heading off to see them, and Garcia said she'd wait for tomorrow, as it would be after dark when we got back.

"So are we just going home tonight? Nothing else planned?" JJ asked Hotch.

"Well we figured you and Em would appreciate a night in your own beds. I'm guessing you'd like me to drop you at Will's instead?" He looked at her through the rear-view mirror.

She smiled, "Thanks."

"Damn, I wish I had my own bed," I looked at Hotch and smirked when his eyes met mine, "Whatever will I do?"

"Yuck." JJ and Garcia joked at the same time.

I turned my head and looked between them, "Grow up." The three of us laughed and I saw a small smirk on Hotch's face. Garcia asked JJ a question and started a conversation between them, and I sat with a smile, watching Hotch as he drove. He noticed before long and glanced at me before squeezing my hand slightly.

* * *

We dropped JJ off at Will's place and I asked if she'd need to be picked up later after seeing Henry. She assured me that if she didn't stay here the night then she'd call a cab and promised not to walk home. We dropped Garcia to her place, and finally got back to Hotch's place. I wouldn't see Jack until tomorrow; he was with Jessica tonight, and so we had one last night to ourselves before Jack was back and Hotch had to go back to work.

We started with wine and he told me about what was happening with both him and Jack since the last time we talked about it. We joked and laughed for a while, and I was tipsy by the time he decided to stop pouring me more wine. He took the almost empty bottle and glasses back to the kitchen and I sat back on the couch. Once he came back in, he sat beside me again but he didn't stay there, he moved to hover over me and smiled as his eyes met mine. My hand moved behind his neck and I guided his lips to mine quickly. We kissed for a while and his hands had just begun to roam my body before my phone rang.

"Ignore it." He whispered as I groaned.

"No," I pushed gently on his chest and he sighed as he sat back up, "It could be JJ," I picked my phone up from the table and saw her name flash. I raised my eyebrows and showed him, "See?" I whispered to him "Hey JJ." I answered the call.

"Have I ruined your night?"

"No, it's fine. The night hadn't really started yet. What's up?"

"You know how I said that I would call a cab? I have no cash on me and Will asked me to leave."

I closed my eyes, "I've had too much wine to drive…um…" I looked at Hotch, "Can you drive?"

He dropped his head to the side, "She needs us to pick her up?" I nodded in reply. He nodded with another sigh, "Alright, tell her we're on our way."

"Aaron can drive; we're leaving now."

"I can walk if—"

"You're not walking!" I cut her off.

"Jesus, okay. Thank you so much. I'll make it up to the both you of."

"It's fine; we'd do it any time. See you soon." I hung up and followed Hotch out the door, pulling my bra strap back up to my shoulder and slipping my coat on. He got in the car and waited for me to clip my seatbelt in place before he pulled out of the driveway and started towards Will's place.

We pulled up outside and JJ was sitting in the gutter, hugging her knees to her chest and looking at her phone. She must have been freezing. She stood and got in the car quickly, "I am so sorry, but thank you."

I unclipped my belt and sat forwards, slipping my coat off, "You must be freezing. He didn't let you wait inside?" I asked as I handed my coat back to her. Normally she would have made me keep it on but she took it tonight.

"I'm pretty sure he went to bed as soon as I closed the door."

"…So you two of you weren't going as well as you thought?"

"No, we were fine for a while…and then I mentioned Spence…"

"Why does mentioning Reid make you disagree?"

"Spence has always been a problem for him. When we first started seeing each other and I used to fly there all the time, I had to skip a few visits every so often to stay with Spencer when he was upset or needed my help or something, and that was the first time Will questioned if I was seeing him or if he should be worried. Then when he moved here and we had Henry, he wasn't so keen on Spence being his godfather, and ever since every time Spence needed me, I'd just leave straight away no matter what Will and I were talking about or doing or what we had planned."

"Wow…so he was like… _super_ jealous of Reid?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. Hotch had since started driving again.

She shook her head, "It was ridiculous, I told him every single time he questioned me that it was a ridiculous thing to even consider, but he was adamant with his belief that I either did have a thing with him or was going to."

"Guys are silly," I looked at Hotch, "Do you ever feel jealous when I talk about Reid or Morgan?"

"No," He shook his head, "But that is probably because I could beat Reid any day, and Morgan is very much in love with Savannah."

"What if Morgan wasn't with Savannah?" JJ asked him curiously.

"Then probably, yes." He nodded.

I smiled and looked back at JJ, "Your place or ours?"

She raised her eyebrows, " _"Ours_ "?"

I closed my eyes, "Hotch's. Your place or Hotch's?" I turned back to face forwards and I saw Hotch glancing at me, "and I'm never looking at you again." I said to him, looking out the window at my right.

He and JJ both laughed quietly before Hotch spoke, "So ours or yours?" He asked her again.

"Uh…I guess mine. I'm assuming Jack isn't home which means you're planning on spending the night together."

"We can do that any time we want, Jayje. Would like to go home and be alone or come to…Hotch's – I said Hotch's this time – and be _not_ alone." I looked at her again over my shoulder and saw her hesitating; she didn't want to be alone but she didn't want to intrude, "Okay, you're coming with us," I looked at Hotch and nodded when he looked at me, "She's coming with us."

"You just looked at me." He smirked. I smiled and shook my head with a laugh.

* * *

 _"It's a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realise what's changed is you."_ – _F. Scott Fitzgerald._


	38. Chapter 38

**Prentiss**

I had spent the night talking with JJ and Hotch. We drank more wine and made JJ laugh as much as we could. She played it off as nothing, like she was fine, but we knew she was hurting; we knew the moment we saw her body language in the gutter when we turned into Will's street. Today, we went out for lunch with the team and then Hotch dropped me back to his house before he went to pick Jack up. I went up to the spare bedroom which had become mine while I was here and when I wasn't with Hotch, and I looked through all my things. I came across several things left from my life with Chris amongst some of my things in the closest, hiding from my view. I emptied one of the small boxes and swapped all of the things I wanted to keep with all the things that would remind me of Chris that I didn't want.

After a while, I heard the front door open and not just Hotch and Jack's voices, but the whole team. I closed the box and walked downstairs with it, meeting them all in the foyer. Hotch hung his coat and turned to me just as Jack saw me. His eyes widened, "Emily!" He exclaimed excitedly. I dropped the box to the ground, hearing a few picture frames break, and opened my arms just in time for him to crash into me. I closed my arms around him tightly and kissed his hair, "I missed you."

"Aw, I missed you too, buddy." I ruffled his hair.

He smiled and looked down at the box, "What's that?"

"That is a box of things that I need your dad to take from me and make sure I never see again." I replied as I picked the box up and looked at Hotch. He gave me a questioning look as he stepped forward and took it from me. "Things associated with Chris." I explained to him and the team quietly. He nodded in understanding and excused himself, leaving the house, presumably to take the box out to the trashcans.

I saw Henry wriggle out of JJ's arms and run to me. I lifted him up when he reached me and hugged him to my tightly. I kissed his hair too and he gripped me tighter, telling me that he didn't want to be put back down anytime soon. "Yeah, he'll hang on for a while. I think I held him for a solid hour and a half this afternoon." JJ nodded.

I smiled and my phone began to ring as Hotch came back inside. I walked to the living room where it sat and the team followed. I sat down on the couch, Henry still clinging around my neck, and held the phone to my ear, "Emily."

"Emily, it's your mother. Normally you answer your phone with Prentiss?"

"Uh…yeah, well I figured that wasn't suitable now that I'm not an agent. How are you?"

"…I'm very good, thank you," Just the tone of her voice told me that she too felt how strange it was for me to speak to her without attitude or any kind of rude comment, "And you?"

"I'm magnificent. What can I do for you?"

"You're not going to like why I'm calling, but I really need this from you…and one of your friends or if you have a boyfriend him…and your team."

"Oh no…" I rolled my eyes.

"That ball I asked you about last year and you declined? Well it's happening this year as well, and I've had six people ask if you're going to be presented this year. Emily, I need you to do this; it will shape the image that your father and I, let alone you, will hold in London for the rest of our lives."

"No, it will shape the image that the _rich_ people of London hold of you and dad. I have nothing to do with it and neither does the majority of London."

"Emily, please? All you have to do is fill out a form with presentable information or I could even do that for you, choose a man to escort you for the night and attend the dance lessons and rehearsals with you, and bring your team to sit at our table because I bought two and I only have filled one."

"You already brought the tables and registered me, didn't you?"

"…Yes…"

I closed my eyes, "Mother, they're agents; they can't just take a few days off to come to London so they can watch me dance in front of a bunch of politicians and snobby rich people that they'll hate."

"Please just ask them? And if they were to come, how many of you would there be? Including you and your escort, of course."

"There are eight of us."

"Perfect, the eight of you can sit with Natalia and Jason on one table, and your father and I will sit on the other table with our friends."

"You invited Natalia and Jason? Don't go planning anything yet, mother. If they can't get the weekend off then they're not coming, and who do you expect me to ask to "escort" me? I don't know anyone."

"…The weekend? Honey this is on a Friday night. I would suggest coming for the week, as there is a rehearsal on the Monday before hand and the last two dance trainings on Wednesday and Thursday."

"Okay, so you want me to ask the best of the best FBI BAU agents to take a whole week off to come to London and do what? Sight see for a week before Friday night? Aaron and JJ have kids, not to mention, oh I don't know, five of them having a full weeks' worth of work and one having shift after shift at a hospital over this week."

"A doctor? Who is that?"

"Savannah, Morgan's other half."

"Oh, he finally settled?"

I laughed at that and looked at Morgan, "Yes mother, Morgan finally settled."

"Just ask and get back to me as soon as you can, please? I've got to go now but I'll be waiting. Good bye, my dear." She hung up and I put my phone back down, shaking my head. I said no last year and I was going to say no this year; why would I want to dress up in a long over the top dress with an over the top corsage, and dance with an equally dressed up guy in front of hundreds of people that I either didn't know or didn't like?

I decided I wouldn't ask the team now; I'd ask them over dinner, to which I assumed Hotch was cooking for everyone by their presence here tonight. We'd probably be eating outside where the larger table was that would fit all of us on it. Henry took his hands away from the back of my neck and climbed down slowly. I assisted him down and he ran back over to JJ. She helped him climb up beside her and he crawled into her lap, sitting close to her and hugging her. I smiled as I watched, and she smiled down at him as she kissed his forehead.

* * *

Hotch had made a large feast with much of Rossi's and JJ's help. Once the three of them were all in there at once at some point and I was left with the rest of them in the living room, I was questioned as to why I had referred to him as Aaron on the phone instead of Hotch like I always tried my hardest to do when the men of the team were present. I played it off as my mother knowing him as Aaron better than Hotch and I think they bought it. The only one that would have suspected anything would have been Rossi, but thankfully he remained in the kitchen.

We sat around the table outside now, having just finished eating and now we were just drinking wine or scotch while Jack and Henry went to play inside. Rossi had made a toast for our return home to them happy and healthy, and now there were a few discussions between members going around the table. I was sitting between Hotch and Garcia and I tried my hardest not to look at Hotch for the majority of our time out here because I didn't want to ruin it for him and blow our secret.

"So what was that call with you mother about before?" JJ asked me from the other side of the table. The others went silent and listened.

"Oh, there's this annual presentation ball thing in London that she wants me to go and represent the Prentiss name at. I was supposed to go last year but I refused, so now she's begging me to do it this year. Apparently it will set the image the rich people of London will have on her and my father. It's stupid; I hate these things but I think I actually have to go because she already paid registration – which is very high up there in price – and two tables for guests. I'm supposed to find a partner to dance with me and show myself off." I rolled my eyes.

"And she wants us to come?" Garcia asked.

"Yeah, she asked if I could ask if you could all take that whole week off and come," I shook my head, "I'll call her tomorrow and say you can't."

"No, we can." Rossi smiled.

"…No. Dancing in front of people I hate is bad enough; I'm not dancing in front of people I actually like. You all have work, anyway."

"I don't! Can _I_ come?" JJ smirked.

"No, no one is coming."

"Yes we are. I'll get the week off for us." Hotch said.

"I'll put in for leave." Savannah smiled.

I shook my head, "No, and I'm not going to tell you when it's on so you can't do that anyway."

"I'll just call your mother in the morning. Not a problem." Hotch said before sipping his scotch and looking at me.

"I hate you all."

"Who will escort you?" Savannah asked curiously.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know. I'll tell my mother that I don't have anyone and she'll set me up with some disgusting pervert of a guy that I'll have to do it with."

"…I can do it." Reid offered.

I looked at him and raised my eyebrows, "You want to "escort" me in a London presentation ball and dance and wear a tux?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "It sounds fun."

I laughed humourlessly, "Oh Reid, there is no such thing as fun when my mother is involved in anything, especially if it's a ball."

He rolled his eyes, "It cannot be _that_ bad."

"Okay, but you'd have to come to London _every_ weekend between, I don't even know, next weekend up to the weekend before the week we'd have to be there for all I know..."

He nodded, "I'll find a way to pay for all the flights."

"Oh no, my mother would be paying for absolutely everything. Um…are you really offering this right now?"

He nodded, "Yeah, let's do it."

I smiled, "Okay, thanks Reid," I looked at Hotch without thinking at all, "Wait, do you mind?" My eyes widened when he raised his eyebrows and I noticed what I had just done.

"…Why would he mind?" Morgan asked.

"Yes!" Savannah exclaimed, "You both owe me twenty. Pay up, bitches." She said, motioning for Garcia to pay her from across the table and JJ from a few seats down the table. The both groaned at the same time and got the wallets out from their pockets. I watched as JJ and Garcia both handed her a twenty dollar note each and I gave her a questioning look. "Oh…we had a bet going. JJ bet that Hotch would tell the guys on Monday at work, Garcia bet that they'd find out on our next night out for drinks and you'd make out in the corner or something and they'd see, and I bet that one of you would blow it tonight."

"Wait…blow what? Why are they making out? What's going on?" Morgan looked from Savannah to Hotch and I.

I turned my head and looked at Hotch, "I am so sorry."

"I knew it!" Rossi sat up straight, "I knew there was something going on. I asked JJ if she thought anything was and she was certain there wasn't but she was lying and I knew it!"

"For how long?" Reid asked.

"Well…I think the first time was the second week of me living with Hotch since I had gotten back from Medstar and I left Rossi's." I said, looking at Hotch for confirmation. He nodded in agreement.

"Wait…the first time?" Morgan questioned, "So you're sleeping together, but you're not dating? You're not actually _together_ together."

I bit my lip and looked at Hotch, "No, we're not "actually" together."

"Wow…Emily and Hotch sleeping together. Crazy." Reid shook his head with a smirk. I sipped my wine and looked at the table in front of me, ignoring the eyes and smirks on us.

* * *

 _I couldn't find a quote I liked tonight._


	39. Chapter 39

**Prentiss**

Now that the whole team knew, it was a lot easier for me to be around them at the same time as Hotch; I didn't have to worry anymore about saying the wrong thing or looking at him in a way that may make them suspicious. The London Ball was to occur in four months, and three months before hand, starting next weekend, would be the beginning of the trip every weekend to London that Reid and I would have to take for dance training.

I had a late psychologist appointment this evening with Doctor Nicol before going to the gym for a while. I got back to Hotch's place around eight and my phone rang as I walked through the front door. I answered it immediately, "Emily."

"Hey, it's Cooper."

"Oh hey," I smiled to myself. I closed the door and hung my coat as I walked towards the kitchen. Hotch was where he always was; at the dining table with coffee and files around him. "Hey." I whispered to him as I kissed his cheek.

"So I'm coming back to Virginia again next weekend and thought you might want to get lunch again or dinner or something." Cooper proposed.

"Next weekend? I'm going to be in London, sorry."

"London? What for?"

"Oh…just visiting my parents, you know." I wasn't going to tell him about the ball; I didn't even like that the team knew, let alone a man I had only really met a handful of times.

"Aw, well have fun in London, maybe we'll catch up next time."

I smiled as I sat down across from Hotch, "Sure, sounds fun."

"Well I'll let you go. Bye."

"Bye," I hung up and put my phone down before looking up at Hotch with a smile, "How was work?"

"It was fine. What sounds fun?" He asked suspiciously, motioning to the phone in front of me.

"Catching up with Detective Cooper next time he comes to Virginia."

"That was Cooper?" He raised his eyebrows.

I nodded, "Yeah, he wanted to get lunch or dinner next weekend when he was coming here but I'll be in London, so…"

He put his pen down and straightened in his seat, "So you said it would be _fun_ to meet up with him next time he's here?" I nodded in response, wondering why he was asking for so much clarity. "And you didn't think to mention that you're in a relationship and not interested in going on a date with him?"

"…He wasn't asking me on a date, and technically we're not even in a relationship." I realised why now.

"Was it a date last time he came and you went for lunch? Yes. And now he is offering lunch _again_ or to step it up to dinner. Are you really trying to play the technicality card right now?"

I titled my head, "You're mad. Aaron, you know that I'm not interested in him or anyone else."

"And yet a date sounds fun to you." He nodded as he stood.

"Okay, I'm sorry for my choice of wording. I'm sorry for answering the phone at all," I stood up and followed him to the living room, "Aaron."

"You know, ever since the whole team became aware of us, you seem a lot less worried about committing."

I shook my head, "I _am_ committed."

He shook his head, "Team's having drinks at Rossi's. Are you ready or do you want to change?"

"…You don't even want to talk about this?"

"No Emily, what I want is to go. Are you ready?" He asked again.

I looked down and shook my head before I took a step back and turned. I walked out of the room and grabbed my gym bag from the dining room. I dropped it in the laundry before heading upstairs quickly to take a quick shower. Only a short while past for me to shower, change, and brush my hair out before I returned downstairs. I grabbed my phone from the dining table, "Ready." I said quietly to Hotch as I walked through the living room where he waited. I took my coat as I walked out the front door and he followed a step behind me to the car. I clipped the belt in the passenger seat straight away and looked at him beside me as he pulled out of the driveway, "Aaron—"

"I'm not in the mood." He shook his head as he cut me off. I sighed to myself and looked forwards, watching the road silently as he headed towards Rossi's place.

* * *

We played Cards Against Humanity for a while and we had turned it into a drinking game; we'd choose a winner and a loser and the winner would take one sip of their drink, the loser would drink half of their glass. After a few rounds, I had resigned from the game and just watched, laughing with them for the most part. My phone had buzzed a few times throughout the night and I hadn't checked it, but when it happened this time, I took it from my pocket and checked. It was Cooper, of course. I sighed and shook my head. I threw it onto the couch by my feet that were up and glanced at Hotch. His eyes met mine but they dropped almost immediately.

I snickered, "Just say it."

He looked back at me as the team went silent, looking between us. The tension between us all night hadn't gone unnoticed; JJ had brought it up before when we went to refill everyone's drinks. "Excuse me?" He questioned.

"Feel free to yell at me again like I know you're just _dying_ to do."

"Do you really want to start this here?"

"I'm not sleeping with him."

"Well not now, but who knows what the future holds." He spoke calmly and quietly. He looked down at the cards in his hands and bit his tongue before saying anything more.

"Unbelievable," I shook my head and stood up, walking to the kitchen with my now empty glass. I heard him walk in behind me and I turned around, "Why would it matter to you anyway? We're not even dating, so I could sleep with whoever I want."

He tilted his head and maintained his stern look, "And yet you told me you were committed."

"I just said that I _could_ , I didn't say I _would_ or I _am_. You know why, Aaron? Because when this started," I motioned between us, "I figured it was just a one-night stand type of thing; that you just wanted to try it out. And then once it happened again, and then again, I thought that maybe, just maybe, you wanted something serious that could quite possibly last the rest of our lives. But I can see that I was very wrong."

"What makes you think you were wrong?" He shook his head.

"Because for something like this to last a life time you need trust, Aaron, and you don't trust me," I shook my head and spoke again before he could disagree, "If you trusted me, you wouldn't be worried about Cooper. You wouldn't question what I do when I go out with the girls, or what I'm "really" doing when I stay at JJ's or Garcia's or Morgan and Savannah's, because for some reason you think that I'm not actually there. I understand that you still love Haley and I don't expect you or even _want_ you to ever stop loving her, and I understand that you need to be cautious because of Jack and I love that about you, but I'm not just here for you to fuck around with anymore, Aaron." I shook my head and walked past him, back to the living room where the silent team sat. I assumed they had been listening.

"Emily, you know that—"

"No," I cut him off and turned around, "I don't know anything anymore," I ignored the team's eyes on us, "And as soon as this whole London Ball thing is over and you all come back here, I'll be staying in London."

"What!?" The whole team asked in unison, "Uh, no you're not; I kind of need you here." JJ added.

"Well…I mean it's not a done deal yet, but I've got everything planned out if it does happen like I'm expecting it to."

"You're not going." Hotch shook his head.

"You're not my boss anymore; you cannot tell me what to do." I looked at him with careless eyes and I struggled to keep the tears out of them; I didn't want him to know how much this was killing me.

A few seconds past that Hotch and I stared at each other, one waiting for the other to look away and stand down first. I ended up looking away first, as per usual. He was the alpha of the team he was standing in front of and as much as I hated to admit it, he was the alpha of me too. There was almost nothing I wouldn't do for him. Maybe there _was_ nothing I wouldn't do for him.

"…But seriously, you can't stay in London. I need you here." JJ said.

"You were fine last time I left." I looked at her.

"Well I wasn't going through a divorce last time, was I?"

I raised my eyebrows, "I thought you signed the papers ages ago."

"I never signed them and he never asked for them. He gave me new ones the night we got back from North Carolina; made me sign them right in front of him."

"Oh my god, really?"

She nodded, "So our lives suck. No one loves us…except for Pen and Savannah…and maybe Morgan and Reid…and maybe Rossi…and I want to Hotch but I feel like you'll disagree." I nodded in confirmation.

"I never said that I didn't love you!" Hotch shook his head, pulling my attention back to him.

"Well you never said you did, either."

"Neither did you." He tried.

"Well I didn't say the exact words but I not-so-subtly implied it and I know that you understood because your eyes did that thing they do. You haven't said a thing that even remotely suggests it."

"I have said plenty, and I'm done arguing with you in front of the team."

I snickered, "Yeah, because you're losing and you know it. I'm going home." I walked over to get my phone from the couch and I kissed Rossi's cheek, quietly thanking him for having me and apologising for arguing in his house, and then I walked towards the door.

"Emily." Hotch tried to stop me. I didn't listen and I continued my course to the front door as I got my phone out. I called a cab as I left and closed the door behind me. As soon as the cab was on its way and I hung up, tears fell from my eyes. I walked down the porch steps and began down the driveway. I walked quickly around the flower beds in the middle of the circular driveway and down towards the road. Once out of sight of the house, I slowed down to give the cab a chance to get here before I would have to stand on the road for an hour in wait.

* * *

I decided to go to a hotel instead of back to Hotch's; I couldn't argue again tonight. I woke up at around two to my phone ringing for the third time. I groaned and picked it up, "What?" I didn't even bother checking the name; if someone's calling me this late then they don't deserve a polite greeting.

"Where the hell are you?" Hotch's voice was frantic.

I groaned again, "Go away, stop calling, stop talking."

"Emily, please tell me where you are? When you said 'home' I assumed you meant our place."

I woke properly then, "… _Our_?"

He hesitated, "Look, just tell me where you are."

"Please leave me alone. I'll call you back in the morning."

"No Emily, I 'm worried."

"I'm at a hotel, I'm fine, I doubt you care that much. Good night."

"Don't hang—" He started, but I hung up before he could finish his sentence. I sighed as I turned my phone off and put it back down on the nightstand. I fell back asleep almost as soon as I closed my eyes again; I was exhausted.

I woke again at ten in the morning. I lay in the hotel bed for a while staring at the ceiling, thinking about what I could ever do about Hotch. I sighed and decided to get up and shower. I let the water run over me for a long time, I washed my hair and appreciated the hot sting of the heat on my skin. When I got out, I got dressed and turned my phone on. I dialled Rossi's number and waited for him to pick up, "Emily?"

"How mad is he?" I got straight to the point.

"About your argument, about you not going home, or about you hanging up on him without telling him where you are?"

"All of it."

"He's upset that your arguing and he regrets starting what he now knows was irrational. He is worried about where you went instead of home and how long you might be staying there, and he's only slightly angry about you hanging up before easing his concern on your whereabouts. So where are you?"

"I'm just at the Royale. I'm leaving soon and I'll go back to his place. Thanks Rossi."

"I love you, mio caro."

I smiled, "I love you too. Bye." I hung up and went to Hotch's number next. I prepared to wait a short while for him to answer, but he answered immediately.

"Emily."

I closed my eyes, "Sorry about not telling you where I was going."

"Why didn't you? Of course I care, sweetheart, and now I'm just worried." That was only the second time I could recall that he called me any kind of endearment and it made me smile.

"I'm at the Royale, and I'm about to check out."

"And you're coming here, right?"

"Only if you want me to."

I heard relief in his voice now, "I'll make sure to have coffee ready." I smiled and looked down, although I kept the phone to my ear. I felt tears in my eyes and I sniffed quietly. "…Are you crying?"

"I can't do this Hotch, I can't deal with this," I shook my head to myself, "I'm not okay." I added in a whisper.

"I know, and I am so sorry. Just come back here and we'll talk about it, okay?"

"I told Cooper to stop trying." I assured quietly.

There was a moments silence, "Just come back home, okay?"

I nodded, "Okay." I hung up and looked at my phone. I put it down and brushed my hair away from my face. I lay back on the bed and sighed. If Hotch and I happened to argue again or not work this out, I would be back to where I was when Chris first died. I'd have nothing, I'd be dead inside. He made me happy, he made me feel alive and like I was worth something; he made me feel loved and confident.

I told him I was coming back now, and so I stood and grabbed my phone and bag. I made sure I had the room key and left the room quickly; I hadn't even had a coffee yet so I was hoping Hotch was serious when he said he'd have some ready.

* * *

 _"Somewhere between all our laughs, long talks, stupid little fights, and all our lame jokes...I fell in love." – Anonymous._


	40. Chapter 40

**To the guest viewer asking about the ball,**

 **The specific ball that has been rather vaguely mentioned is purely a creation of my imagination and I am not aware if it is or ever was a real thing; I doubt that it is/has been. I am just trying to work a new idea into this and see how it goes, as I don't often bring in a huge amount of new things.**

 **With that said, there will be not only this, but another new idea I've had brought into this story in the following chapters. Some readers may not like it, some might.**

 **-A xx**

* * *

 **Prentiss**

There was very little time to think during the conversation between Hotch and I. Jack was coming home soon, I had to go to another psychologist appointment soon that I had forgotten about, and he had his arguments set out and ready, where as I was winging it. "I need to leave right about now." I said quietly, glancing at my watch.

"Emily, I can admit to you that I was wrong with what I accused you with and how I reacted, and I am sorry, but I need you to know that I trust you with anything, and that there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for you. I'm not just fucking around, and I think that you know that. You still don't tell me much so I don't really know what's going on with you lately, but I think you're finding excuses to push me away."

"Like what?"

"Like we're not "technically" dating, so you can do whatever you want. Like you've convinced yourself that I still love Haley and that means that I can't love you as well. Would you like me to continue? Because your eyes are telling me to stop…"

I smiled and shook my head as I dropped my head, "I don't understand how everyone else sees me as a sealed book but you can read me like an open one."

"You're changing the subject."

"I…Okay, you're right. I am trying to find excuses to stop myself from falling too deep but only because I don't want to hurt again. I _can't_ hurt again. And I'm sorry for making you feel guilty and stressed like I have been since…well…the first night I'd assume," I looked up to him now, "Aaron, you know that I love you – and don't worry, I don't expect you to return the words – but we both know that if this keeps going then I'm not going to be able to say goodbye or let go, and then when you have had enough or change your mind, I won't be able to live with that," I took a breath to think about whether I should say what I was thinking or not. I didn't want it to happen, I wanted the opposite, but I couldn't let myself be heartbroken again, "So I think that we should stop this. You can go and find someone that you love and want to spend your life with, and I can go and adopt a cat." I looked at my watch as my heart broke and stood; it was time for me to leave. He was speechless, his eyes shocked but the rest of his features emotionless. I could tell that he had no idea what to say; I had caught him off guard with that. He knew that he made me happier than I'd ever been, and he would never have expected me to end something that made me feel like that, but I needed to for myself in the long run and for him now. I bit my lip before I grabbed my phone from the table and turned quickly, walking towards the foyer.

Thankfully, he hadn't said anything before I left and he hadn't followed me outside. I saw him standing at the window when I pulled out of the driveway. I tried not to look at him as I drove away from the house and towards my psychologist's office. Tears filled my eyes as I drove and I knew what we'd be talking about today. Maybe getting some space from him would be good for me; maybe my head would be a bit clearer and I could finally focus on recovering as much as possible so I could start working again, whether it be in the FBI or somewhere else, and focus on deciding whether to move away from here or just get my own place again in DC. But on the other hand, Hotch was what initially made Chris go away; he "fixed" me, or at least as much as he could. I think that that was part of the reason that I had fallen in love with him; he made me feel better whenever he was around and my head was silent when he was.

I bit my lip but my phone rang through the cars Bluetooth and distracted me. I answered it quickly, "Emily."

"Hello dear."

"Hi mother." I cursed at myself silently; why do I keep answering without checking.

"How are you?"

I sighed, "I'd love to say fine, but I know how angry you get when I lie to you. I'm not doing too good. What about you?"

"I am okay, thank you. What's wrong?"

I contemplated telling her; I used to envy the relationships between mothers and their daughters when they could tell each other everything and help each other, but I knew that we'd never have that here. "Nothing you need to worry about. Why are you calling?"

"I was just wondering if I should finalise Agent Reid in the presentation or if he's changed his mind or if you're decided that he isn't reliable enough."

I rolled my eyes, "He isn't going to bail on me, mother. He's elated to be doing this; I didn't even ask him, he offered. He's excited and wants to be there. Me on the other hand, well you might want to hold off on finalising my name in the presentation…" I joked.

"Very funny. Okay, I'll send it through now. Are you sure you don't want to talk about what's wrong?"

"Uh…yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks though." It was too strange to hear her offer; it was even stranger for me to consider it. We said goodbye and I hung up as I pulled into the parking lot of the psychologist office.

* * *

Doctor Nicol was happy that I was doing the London Ball and that I was doing it with Reid. She said it was great because I was stepping way out of my comfort zone, but I was doing it with someone that I was comfortable with and that I would definitely be able to handle it fine that way. She didn't, however, like my decision to end things with Hotch. She was the only other person that knew the full extent of how much he helped me and how he made me feel, and she thought that this would not be a good turning point for me. She asked me to reconsider, to really think about it and ask myself what I really wanted. So I drove to JJ's afterwards instead of back to Hotch's so I could talk about it.

When I got to JJ's, I heard Henry's laugh, accompanied by hers. I stopped myself before I knocked and listened for a short while. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath; I envied her when it came to Henry. I had always wanted a child, I just never had the right man to raise it with me; I couldn't do it on my own. I turned and walked away from her house quickly, deciding not to disturb their happiness with my depressed mood. I got back in my car and drove towards Garcia's instead. I parked outside of her apartment building when I got there and rang her. "Hey pumpkin!" She greeted me enthusiastically.

"Hey, are you home?"

"No, sorry, I'm out for lunch with Derek and Savannah. Why's that?"

"Uh…never mind. Enjoy your day and your lunch." I said quickly. I hung up before she could say anything else. My next and last option was Reid and I doubted he'd like that very much. I couldn't talk to Rossi about it; he'd be too biased.

I decided to call Reid before driving to his place. While it wasn't far, it would be quicker to go somewhere else if he wasn't home then to go to his apartment to find that he wasn't here and then drive back this way. "Hey Emily." He greeted me.

"Hey Reid, are you busy right now?"

"No, I just finished the book I bought last week; you should borrow it, it's really good. But why do you ask?"

I smiled to myself, "How many times have you read the book since you got it?"

"Only twice."

I nodded to myself, expecting a reply like that, "Well I kind of need to talk about something but all the girls are busy and Morgan is with two of three of them."

"Well I'm not busy, you can come here or I can meet you somewhere. But just out of curiosity, why can't you talk to Hotch or Rossi?"

"Because it's kind of about Hotch…and Rossi is biased."

I could hear the kind smile in his voice when he spoke, "Well of course you can talk to me. Do you want to come here, do you want me to come to Hotch's, or do you want to go out for lunch or coffee or something?"

I closed my eyes "Coffee sounds magnificent."

"I knew that one was coming, name the place."

"The diner we used to always go to! I miss that place." Normally it was the whole team or the majority of us at least that would visit this diner for coffee or cheap, greasy food that was never even remotely good, but sometimes I would go with just Reid and we'd have the best time with the best conversations. Thinking about it made me miss him; miss how we used to be. I missed how it used to be between me and the whole team, really.

"I'll meet you there in a half hour?"

"Thanks Reid, you have no idea how much I appreciate this." We said goodbye and I hung up. I sat back in my seat and looked around the surroundings of the car for a few seconds. I had nothing to do here for twenty minutes; it only took about ten minutes to get to that diner from where I was. I decided to just go early, and I started the car and drove towards the diner.

* * *

I walked into the diner early; I had stretched my drive out as much as I could and now I only have fifteen minutes to wait, not twenty. I sighed and sat down in the booth that we used to always sit at and looked around. I caught sight of Morgan across the diner, and he saw me at the same time. Savannah leaned over to look at me past the booth after Morgan said something and Garcia turned to look at me behind her. Morgan titled his head and motioned for me to come over. I cursed to myself quietly; I should have asked Garcia where they were. I hesitated before I stood and walked around the diner counter and to them. "Hey." I said quietly, forcing a smile.

"What are you doing here? Sit, join us." Garcia moved over and patted the seat behind her.

I smiled genuinely this time; she was so sweet. "I'd love to, but I'm meeting Reid here soon."

Morgan raised his eyebrows, "Hotch _and_ Reid? Don't tell me you're sleeping with Rossi too."

"Hey," I hit his arm, "I am not a whore. If you must know, I'm not sleeping with anyone at current."

"What? What happened to Hotch?" Savannah asked. She sounded almost disappointed.

"Well…I mean I only decided this morning, but I'm still not positive about ending it, I guess."

" _You_ ended it? Is that why you're meeting Pretty Boy here? Please don't tell me you're asking for _his_ advice…" Morgan said.

I smiled and shook my head, "Everyone else was busy, I can't talk to Rossi about it and obviously not Hotch, so I called Reid. He sounded elated that I wanted to talk to him about something. I'm not asking his for advice, I'm just asking him to listen…and then for his input…"

"…So, for his advice, then?" Garcia laughed.

I snickered, "Yeah, I guess. I don't know, we'll see how it goes. I'm going to sit back down way across over there where you three won't be able to listen in and make fun of Reid. Bye." I smiled and walked back to the booth I was in previously.

Reid came in not long later, "You're early." He said as he sat down across from me.

I smiled when I looked at him, "I've been here for ten minutes already, and what are the chances of Morgan, Savannah, and Garcia being here too? They're right over there." I motioned to them and Reid turned to look. I shook my head, "Figures I'd choose somewhere that would result in Hotch finding out."

"…You still didn't tell him where you are? That must have been why he called me."

"He called you?"

He nodded, "Wanted to know if you were with me. He said something about your appointment and then you never coming home afterwards. This was about ten minutes before you called me; he said to call him back if I heard anything."

"Please tell me you didn't."

"I did. I wasn't aware, sorry." He gave me an apologetic expression.

I sighed and sat forwards, "It's okay, we'll order coffee and then I need help." We ordered what we wanted and I decided to order small fries for us to share as well; I wasn't feeling overly hungry but I hadn't eaten today. Then I started by explaining the situation to him and then Hotch's thoughts and my thoughts on everything. Reid listened quietly and alertly; he seemed to really want to help me. I expected him to be awkward and maybe even uncomfortable, but he seemed the opposite.

After talking about it for about a while, I was getting too emotional and I asked him to distract me. He brought up the London Ball, and so we started discussing that instead. I ended up getting a piece of paper from a notebook and a pen from the staff here and wrote things down as we spoke. The more I talked about it with him, the more excited I felt, although I could never show that; I wasn't supposed to want to do this, I didn't _want_ to enjoy this.

After another hour of that, Reid turned quiet and hesitant, "Can I tell you something?"

I titled my head, "Anything." He looked almost scared to say it.

"But you can't tell anyone and you can't know about it so you need to act really surprised and shocked when you're told."

"…Okay…"

"…I did something that I shouldn't have."

"And that "something" is?" I raised my eyebrows. He hesitated again and bit his lip. "Reid, hey. You know that you can tell me anything."

He looked at me and nodded, "I kind of slept with someone…"

My back straightened and a smile spread on my lips involuntarily, "Do tell."

"You know her…really well…"

"Oh, really? Who?"

"…JJ."

"Oh my god!" I cupped my hands over my mouth and squealed quietly in excitement, "When did this happen and why hadn't either of you told me sooner?"

"It was only a few nights ago. She was alone at her place and she was bored. She was going to call you or the girls over but she thought you'd all have plans so she called me for company. Henry wasn't there, she was feeling…deprived…and so one thing led to another." He shrugged his shoulders and looked down to hide his smile.

"Oh, Spence, that it so great. I mean, at least I think it is. I know that you'd be amazing for her and she would be nothing but perfect for you. Henry loves you, you love Henry."

He smiled again, "I don't know if it will ever happen again; I think she was just bored."

"Reid, sure JJ can be a bit unreliable with guys that she doesn't know, but I can assure you that she would never use _you_ like that or even do that at all if she hadn't been thinking about it for a while."

He nodded, "I haven't actually seen her since but she calls at night and we text during the day. I guess time will tell; Henry is going back to Will's tomorrow night and she invited me over, so..." He nodded again with a smile. I smiled in response and laughed; hearing that made me so happy. I decided to ask questions; at least the attention would be off me for a while.

* * *

 _"Sometimes, all a girl wants is for you to fight for her. Make her understand that you want this relationship as much as she does."_ _–_ _Unknown._


	41. Chapter 41

**Prentiss**

Reid sat beside me on the plane, fidgeting as he did when he felt uncomfortable. This was our first weekend to London to start our dance training. I wouldn't admit it to anyone but myself, but I was kind of excited. I think that as time passed and this became real, Reid would become less enthusiastic. He probably regretted his offer by now. I tried to ignore his restlessness so I wouldn't get too irritated, but it was becoming too much for me to handle. I looked at him, "How are you uncomfortable? You're in business class."

"Seven and a half hours in _business_ class, that's how. I've never been in this class before."

"She was going to book us first class for every weekend but I talked her down. We have business class every weekend to and from, and when the whole team comes with us, we have first class there and home."

"I'm surprised she didn't send her own jet." He said quietly.

"She wanted to!" I exclaimed quietly, "She's insane, I swear. I even told her we could just find a good dance teacher in Virginia and let them organise the dances with the dance teacher in London and we could learn from home, but no, that wasn't good enough."

"Jesus…"

"It's not too late to change your mind. This will be hard and there will be a _lot_ of my parents involved. It will be anything _but_ fun. I can just show you around London this weekend and then we'll never come back afterwards."

He shook his head, "I made a promise to you and I made a promise to your parents."

"I didn't ask you to promise me anything, and who give a damn about my parents? They'll get over it."

"We're doing this; I'm happy to and I know that you're excited. You won't admit it, but I can see it in your eyes." He smiled at me, proud of himself for calling me out. I bit my lip and looked forwards. "Knew it." He said as he opened his book and looked down.

"Shut up." I shook my head. I put my earphones in and opened my own book. I felt so slow as I realised that for every page I turned, Reid turned ten. I blocked out everything around me and focussed fully on my book and music, and it was about an hour before I was interrupted by Reid tapping my arm. I took my earphones out and looked at him, "Yes?"

"Can I ask you something?" I closed my book to provide him my full attention and motioned for him to proceed with his question. "Is Hotch okay with me doing this with you instead of him?"

"I think that he is relieved that he is not in your position. He's actually met my parents and knows them, so he knows how hard this would have been."

"Met the parents already?" He raised his eyebrows. It was strange to hear Reid teasing me.

I made an obviously fake laugh, "You're hilarious. He knew them before he knew me." I rolled my eyes.

"…Are you dating yet?"

"No."

"Are you going to ask him out on a date?"

"No." I didn't have the heart to tell him that Hotch and I didn't make up.

"Are you going to tell your parents about it?"

"Definitely not. When are you ever this curious about my life?"

"Uh…I think I've always been curious about your life; it's very different to mine. Can I ask you a question of a different topic?"

"Please." My voice was relieved.

"Are you going to come back to the BAU."

"…Uh…go back to the other topic. That is an off-limits area of my life right now."

"Please just tell me whether I should prepare for someone new to come into our family or if you're coming back, because I don't think I could deal with someone new. It always messes with the dynamic of our team, and not just in the field or at work but after-hours, too."

I took a deep breath, "If a new agent comes in, then you will adjust eventually. If you don't give it a bit of time and you judge them solely on the reason that they aren't me, then you're never going to get anywhere. I am about to tell you something that I have not told anyone else…in seriousness…and I need you to promise me that you will not say a word to anyone but me about it, okay?"

He nodded, "I promise."

"I'm not coming back to the BAU. I will be moving to London after this whole ball thing and you will all move on."

He looked speechless as seconds of silence passed between us. He finally broke it, "So you didn't work things out with Hotch, then?"

"It would just never work out good for us in the long run," I shook my head, "But I'll call and I'll visit. You'll see me so much that you'll be sick of me. I've got a house…well…my parents have a house and I have a few jobs lined up if I want them."

"Is it just because of Hotch?" His voice was quiet and upset now. He wouldn't look at me anymore.

I sighed, "I need a change in my life." I looked at him for a few seconds before he stood quickly and walked away towards the bathroom. I bit my lip and looked forwards again. I felt so guilty for upsetting him but I was sure he would have appreciated knowing beforehand. I hadn't really planned on telling anyone else; I was just going to tell them when we were all in London that I wouldn't be returning to America with them. I knew they'd all be shocked but I doubted they'd be too torn up about it.

* * *

My mother had organised a car to pick up us and the drive to my parent's house was silent. I had exchanged a few words with the driver but other than that, nothing. Reid looked shattered ever since I had told him and now I regretted it. I didn't try to make him talk or talk to him; I let him do his own thing.

He spoke his first word since once we finally reached my parent's house. "Wow…" He said quietly as he stepped out of the car. I got out too and the driver stood and walked to the back to get our bags out.

"You sound impressed." I said as I took our bags from the driver, not wanting him to have to take them up to the house as well. I thanked him quietly before he stepped back into the car and drove away.

"I am impressed. You grew up here?" He asked as he got his phone out and opened his camera.

"When we were living in London, yeah. Why are you taking a photo?"

"The team was curious to see the house, so…" I waited as he took the photo and sent it to our group chat on messenger.

"Little tip…put your phone on silent and don't even so much as glance at it if you are communicating in any form with my mother. She will check hers as much as she wants no matter who is talking, but she will be furious if you check yours. Also, don't mention anything got to do with the BAU around my father; he will hate you instantly and he will hold it against you for the rest of his life. If he asks then yeah, you can talk about it, but do not bring it up first. He hates that I pursued this career and he hates the person I have become because of it."

"…Aren't you and your father kind of close?"

"We were when I was younger, best friends, but…uh…something happened around when I was fourteen and he left for a while and when he came back, I was already into the drugs, alcohol, sex, etcetera."

"What happened?"

"…Yeah, don't mention anything got to do with that, either. I can't tell you, but it is definitely not something my parents need to be reminded of."

He took his bag from where I had sat it in front of me, "Wouldn't want you to keep telling me things." He said quietly before taking a step.

I grabbed his arm to stop him, "Hey, Reid, I understand that you're upset with me and I am sorry, but wouldn't you have wanted me to tell you now rather than a week before you go back to America with everyone else and I don't get back on that plane with you?"

"I'd rather you just came back." He said quietly before walking through the oversized gate and up the wide path through the rather extravagant garden towards the house. I watched him and hesitated before following him and deciding not to keep talking about it. I expected him to be upset, but not like this. I sighed before I knocked on the door and we both stood in silence for a few seconds before their maid opened the door; I hated that they had a maid.

"Ms Prentiss, Agent Reid." She smiled and motioned for us to come in; her accent was Italian and she was young.

I smiled, "Just Emily."

"And Spencer." He nodded. She waited for me to take my coat off and took it from me quickly. She looked at Reid and he hesitated before he took his off and handed it to her.

"Mr and Mrs Prentiss are in the living room." She nodded with a polite smile before she walked away quickly. I glanced at Reid; he raised his eyebrows at me to show how surprising he found the presence of a maid to be, and I walked towards the living room. He followed a few steps behind me, looking around the large foyer on his way through.

"Mother, daddy." I greeted quietly once we walked into the living room.

"Emily, dear, I thought that was you," My mother closed her book and stood, walking over to me quickly and hugging me. I returned it hesitantly; this was still very strange to me. "Agent Reid, how are you?" She smiled at him.

"Just Spencer, and I'm great, thanks. And you?"

"Wonderful," She nodded with a smile, "Richard, please greet your daughter and her friend."

He held his finger up to signal her to wait, "Two more paragraphs." He looked engrossed in his book.

I glanced at Reid and bit my lip as we waited silently. My mother rolled her eyes and walked towards the kitchen, "Tea?" She didn't wait for our replies before she disappeared.

My father put his book down and looked at us before he stood, "Emily, angel." He approached me and hugged me. I returned it more willingly than I did my mother but it still felt awkward. "Agent Reid, Spencer, whichever you prefer." He held his hand out. Reid hesitated before shaking his hand.

"Spencer is fine." He smiled with a nod.

"So, back with the "top notch" FBI again yet?" He looked at me.

I looked down and shook my head, "No, and I don't think I will be; don't worry." I walked past him as my mother returned to the room, the maid following behind her with a tray supporting a tea pot, four teacups, sugar, and milk. I sat down beside my mother and motioned for Reid to sit. He and my father both walked over and sat. "How long has she been working for you?" I asked once the maid left.

"Sofia? Just a few months now. She's very good, though." She complimented her maid quietly as she lifted her teacup. "Now, about the ball and training."

* * *

Our first training was long and tiring; I didn't realise how unfit I had gotten until Reid and I were instructed to do different steps to one of the five dances we would be performing. We had flown back after eating an early dinner with my parents and I slept most of the flight. When we landed and walked through the airport, I saw the team waiting for us where several other people waited for returning or visiting friends and family. I walked over to them and hugged JJ without a moments hesitation, "I hate my life."

"I figured it'd be torture for you so we all came to cheer you up." She smiled as we parted.

"They abused Reid." I said after smiling and greeting the others.

"What?" JJ raised her eyebrows and looked at him.

"They did not abuse me, they were just very determined to have me tell them everything about myself and my life."

JJ nodded, "Boy, have I been there."

"Hey, I had to grow up with them; they raised me. Thank the heavens that I am _nothing_ like them."

"You actually bear many similar traits to the both of them." Reid said matter-of-factly, looking at me with innocent eyes.

"Never say to that to me ever again or I will tell my father that you love working at the BAU and I will let him attack you for hours."

"Oh, I almost brought it up, and who's Alexander?"

I looked at him quickly, "What?"

"…I heard your mother ask you if you'd heard anything on Alexander."

I stared at him for a few seconds before shaking my head, "No one."

"Well it's someone—"

"Reid," I cut him off quickly, my voice cold and demanding, "Forget about that, and the rest of you forget about this." I looked around at the team standing with us. I went to walk away but Hotch caught my arm. I pulled away from him, "Don't." It was more aggressive than I intended.

He dropped his hand and I walked away quickly, brushing my hair behind my ear. I heard them following behind me and I walked out of the airport and towards the cars, trying to ignore the building I was in; it was still hard for me to come here after Chris. I walked towards the SUV's that I knew were ours and I saw the lights flash as they unlocked. I threw my bag in the back and got into the back seat. Hotch got in the front, Rossi in the passenger, and JJ beside me. Morgan, Reid, and Garcia got into the other car and Hotch drove back towards DC.

I decided I didn't want to make a huge deal over the mention of Alexander; I didn't want them to be suspicious, worry, or question me, so I decided to tell JJ about my parents and London. Rossi asked if I had the chance to show Reid around and I explained that there wasn't much time this weekend but there would be within the next few weeks when the training was shortened and my parents weren't so inclined to be around us the whole time.

When we were five minutes away from Rossi's place – where we were all having dinner tonight – JJ asked when I was hoping they wouldn't, "…So can I ask about this Alexander person?"

"No. You cannot now and you cannot ever." I spoke quietly and looked out the window.

"Do you _have_ to keep it from us or do you _want_ to keep it from us?" Hotch asked quietly.

"Both. I don't want to tell you but even if I did, I couldn't. Leave it at that and don't bring it up again." I didn't even want to think about it.

"…Okay." JJ said quietly. The remainder of our drive was silent.

* * *

" _If you want to keep a secret, you must also keep it from yourself." – George Orwell._


	42. Chapter 42

**Prentiss**

I was having a bad day today. I was getting better, I was virtually back to how I used to be most days, but the mention of Alexander pulled me down lower than I had felt in a long time. Hotch had taken me back to his place earlier than we would normally leave Rossi's because I was so tired last night, and I woke too early this morning; Hotch wasn't even awake yet, let alone left for work.

I sat in the dining room with a cup of coffee, staring at the table in front of me. The house had been completely silent for a while, but then I heard Hotch walking down the staircase quietly. He came in and stopped in the archway when he saw me, "…You're up." I didn't reply or even glance at him. My eyes stuck to the table, my hand kept quietly turning the mug around in circles in front of me. He walked to the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee and then sat across from me at the table. "Bad morning?"

I looked up this time, "I'm better." I said quickly and quietly.

"You can be recovered and still have bad days."

"I—there is something that no one knows that I have kept secret from everyone but my family since I was fourteen, and it kills me more with every passing year." I didn't know why I was speaking about it or why I was telling Hotch; I was supposed to start keeping my distance, not start sharing my closest secrets with him.

"Tell me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't," I closed my eyes and shook my head, "It would be breaking the rules."

"What rules?"

"The ones I set. I set them for him, for my parents, for me. For anyone who knew about it."

He sat forwards and spoke quieter as he repeated what he had said previously, "Tell me."

I shouldn't have been saying anything; this could endanger Alex greatly, but I had kept it to myself so long that I needed to tell someone. I took a deep breath as I met his eyes, "I've been lying to you…and the team and everyone that has ever known me." He sat silently looking back at me, waiting for me to continue, elaborate, spill my secrets to him. "I'm not an only child." I cut straight to it now.

He raised his eyebrows and sat backwards, "…You're not?"

I shook my head, "You have to understand that I couldn't tell anyone; I still can't, but I am trusting you to keep this completely between us. My brother – his name is Alex – he was my best friend all through my childhood; really my only friend. He's four years older than me, we look so alike, even our personalities are similar. My parents though, they loved him; I was just the child that went wrong. They wanted a second Alex…and they got me." I shook my head.

"Where is he?"

"That, I definitely cannot tell you, but I can say that his location is only known by my father, Clyde, and myself. My father has been moving him every few months since I was fourteen, I started helping and eventually planning everything since the moment I became an agent. I plan everything, my father watches and he moves him once I decide where and when."

"Who is he hiding from?"

I shook my head, "I don't know every single member, but there's a discreet group based in London, but they have alliances all over the world. He joined them when he was seventeen, only lasted a year before too much trouble started. He tried to leave but they tried to stop him, so he ran and ratted them out to local police. Ever since, they've been tracking him, trying to kill him. They tried to kill my father once too but he talked himself out of it; you know how persuasive he can be."

"When was the last time you saw him, spoke to him?"

"Oh…about twenty-one years ago," Tears were in my eyes and I avoided looking into Hotch's, "I mean, my father is constantly working with the law in London to try and shut them down and bring Alex home, but that doesn't make it any less agonising to deal with."

"They won't ever come after you, right?" He asked quietly. I looked at him now, seeing the concern and protectiveness in his eyes. My heart ached; I just wanted to hug him, kiss him, find the comfort in his eyes that I knew would be there. I just shook my head and looked down. I didn't know if they ever would or not. If they somehow found out that I was aware of Alex's location, then they probably would come after me, but if they didn't know already then they probably never would.

"Okay," He looked at his watch, "Well I have to go get ready for work, but I can take a day off if you—"

"No," I cut him off before he finished his offer; if I had heard him say the rest, I would have said yes, "No, you need to go to work…and wake Jack up because he'll be late if he's not getting ready soon."

He smiled at me and went to say something but stopped himself before a word left his mouth. He changed his mind on what he was going to say and settled for, "Okay." He stood and took his now empty mug to the sink before walking out of the room and upstairs. I still sat in the same spot, looking back to the table and sipping my coffee before continuing to turn it around on the table.

* * *

I made a decision today after talking to Hotch this morning, and I walked into the precinct with Jack behind me; I had just picked him up from school.

"Hey." Reid smiled at me.

"Hi, is JJ here yet?"

"No, why?" Morgan questioned. He looked behind me, "Never mind, she's here now."

I turned and looked at her, "Hey, what's going on?"

"Round table room, all of you please." I looked back at Morgan and Reid. The three of them looked at each other before they walked towards the round table room. I asked Jack to go up to his dad's office and tell him that I needed him and Rossi in the round table room, and for Jack to please stay in Hotch's office. He walked up the catwalk steps and I went down to Garcia's lair.

I knocked once and walked in, "Hey."

"Oh, hey pumpkin." She smiled as she spun around and looked at me.

"Round table." I didn't say anything else, I didn't wait for her to speak; I just turned and walked back out. I heard her follow me quickly. Hotch and Rossi were walking into the round table room as Garcia and I walked up the catwalk steps. I saw Jack sitting at Hotch's desk with his school work in front of him as I walked past the office window. Once in the round table room, Garcia sat down beside JJ and I stood in front of them all.

I took a deep breath and bit my lip when I saw the worry in all their eyes. "Alright, this cannot be good." JJ said quietly, glancing at my hands as I picked viciously at my nails.

"Just give it to us straight." Garcia said quietly.

I nodded and looked around at all of them, "I wasn't going to tell anyone, but I was going to move to London after the Ball, but plans have changed and although we're still doing the ball," I looked at Reid, "Assuming that is cool with you," He nodded and I continued, "I'm moving to London now. I leave tonight."

JJ's and Garcia's mouths dropped open, Morgan looked suspicious, Reid looked as shattered as he did when I had told him on the plane. Rossi looked as suspicious as Morgan, and Hotch was staring at me with alarmed eyes. "Why?" JJ asked, sitting forwards.

"Are you trying to distance yourself from Hotch, is that it?" Garcia asked.

"If I wanted to distance myself from Hotch then I would be moving out of his place, not moving to London."

"So why didn't you move out of his place, then? Is it because you still—"

"Off topic," I cut Morgan off, " _Way_ off topic."

"Then why?" Reid asked now.

I sighed, "There's a case that I need to solve, and it needs to be done soon. To ensure your safety, I cannot tell you a thing about the case or ask for your collaboration, but the only reason I am telling you all that I'm leaving is because I will be working both alongside and against many of London's worst criminals and killers. My safety will be majorly jeopardised, but as long as I stay loyal to the people I'll be working with, I should be fine."

Hotch shook his head, "No."

I raised my eyebrows, "Excuse me?"

"You're not going. I am not letting you go over to London and try to handle that on your own. All seven of us can work it from here, and I will reinstate both you and JJ right now."

"No." I shook my head.

"Yes."

"No! Do you _really_ want to sentence your whole team to life in witness protection if not death? Twenty-one years, Hotch. I'm not letting it get to twenty-two."

"It almost is twenty-two, it's November."

"I'm going to London, and you are not saying a word about the case or who it involves to anyone. I _chose_ to trust you; do not make me regret that." I stared at him and he stared back. I felt the urge to look away like anyone did when they were caught in a stare down with Hotch, but I refused to give in.

"Oh my god, I don't think anyone has ever stared him down this long before…" JJ whispered after several seconds past. Another few minutes and Hotch looked away first as he stood and walked out. As soon as he was far enough away I let out the breath I had been holding and sat down. "You just won a stare down against _Hotch_." JJ said in disbelief.

"Boy, was that terrifying." I laughed at myself.

"Does it hurt to say no to him?"

"…No comment. Um…I have to go and see Savannah and then sort out my shit before tonight, so…" I stood up. Garcia's eyes filled with tears and she stood quickly. She hugged me tightly and I returned it very willingly, closing my eyes as one tear slid down my cheek. "I love you, Pen."

"Don't go."

We parted then, "I have to. Maybe I'll come back after I solve it, maybe I won't. It's just too early to tell."

Morgan approached me next, "We're gonna miss you, Princess." He said as he pulled me into him. I smiled at the nickname; only he would be brave enough to call me princess. He moved to comfort Garcia once we parted and JJ hugged me. After JJ, Reid hugged me, and then finally Rossi. Rossi and JJ said goodbye, Reid said he'd see me every weekend so I wouldn't get a big goodbye from him yet, and then I left the room quickly before any tears fell from my eyes. I stood outside of Hotch's office door for a few seconds to calm myself down and breathe. Then I knocked and walked in quietly.

"Hey Jack, why don't you go ask Reid if he can show you some new magic tricks?" I suggested to him with a smile. He smiled and stood from Hotch's office chair. He ran out of the room quickly and I closed the office door.

"Why are you doing this?" Hotch asked me immediately.

"Aaron, he's my brother."

"And I'm your—" He stopped himself before he said what I assumed would have been 'boyfriend', and changed his words, "And I care about you too much to let you go to London on your own and deal with something so dangerous on your own. Stay here, tell the team, and let us help you."

I shook my head, "I can't do that. You weren't even supposed to know, Hotch. Please just let me do this; I can do it."

"Why did you break up with me?" He asked quietly.

"…Break up? We were never "together", Aaron. I don't want to argue about us again because it kills me to do so, but you know better than anyone of the shit I have been through in my life and I'm ready to try and change some of it. I am going to try to bring my brother home to me and to my parents, and then maybe I'll come back here, maybe I won't, but none of it is up to you nor is it any of your responsibility. I understand that you want to help me because that's what friends do, but I can't let you. I am not endangering you and Jack like that."

"Friends," He nodded, "Right. We can hardly even stand to be in the same room with each other for longer than ten minutes since you so kindly broke us off, so I don't think "friends" cuts it."

I sighed and looked away, "Then what do you want to call us? Old acquaintances? Strangers?"

"I want to be a lot more than that you and know it."

"I don't know it, and I don't want to know it anymore because knowing will make it harder to leave than it already is. I need to go now, am I still taking Jack home with me?"

A few seconds past before he bit his tongue and nodded. I nodded too and turned. As soon as my hand was on the door handle, he stopped me, "Emily, wait." I turned back as he approached me quickly and he pushed me against the door gently before pressing his lips to mine. I closed my eyes and reciprocated willingly and it was a long kiss, but it still felt like he pulled away too quickly. "That enough to convince you to stay?" He whispered.

I bit my lip and closed my eyes as I shook my head, "I have to. I'm sorry, Aaron, I really am." I opened the door and stepped forwards slightly before leaving the room, not giving him a chance to speak again, kiss me again, or pull me back. "Hey Jack, let's go home." I smiled at the young boy as I descended the steps into the bullpen. He said goodbye to Reid and JJ and ran after me as I continued to the glass doors quickly.

Saying goodbye to Jack would be even harder than saying goodbye to my team; I was not ready for that just yet.

* * *

 _"The happiest days of my youth were when my brother and I would run through the woods and feel quite safe."_ _–_ _Rachel Weisz_.


	43. Chapter 43

**Prentiss**

For weeks I stayed in my father's large study at my parent's house during the weekdays, even sleeping in there most nights and only leaving on the weekends when Reid was here. I had a board set up, files spread everywhere, maps, pens and markers, everything I'd need. My father was with me a lot when he wasn't working, trying to help me solve it. He still collaborated with the police but he made it clear that I was not to contact them; that would put me on the radar of the men that were trying to locate Alex. My phone was almost always on silent; I was never checking it. I missed calls and texts daily, I missed hours of sleep because I never knew the time. I missed meals, I had the maid bringing coffee in all the time, I missed seeing the sun several days in a row. My mother was worried but we wouldn't let her into the office, let alone know a thing about what we were doing past the fact that we were trying to bring her son home; we couldn't jeopardise her safety too.

This weekend I was to go dress and suit shopping with my mother and Reid. I didn't have time for that, I was finding and disqualifying leads, I was finding breakthroughs, I was getting close. The ball was only a month away, I had to practise on my own on Wednesday nights at my mother's request, losing hours of valuable case time.

While it was difficult to work this virtually on my own, it made me miss the BAU and the work there a lot. It would have been a lot easier and a lot less stressful if I could ask for my team to help, even just with the little things; Reid would be a godsent gift right now, but I knew that asking them was out of the question. What I missed the most was Hotch. I cried myself to sleep a lot, thinking about him and how I left him and how I felt now that he was never around. I didn't even feel remotely at home here anymore; I only felt home when Hotch was with me. So never again would I feel the comfort of being home.

I was wasting away, I had lost weight again, my muscle that I had gained since I was going back to the gym was lessening again, my hair was becoming thinner and unhealthier already. I felt sick a lot, but I never let it stop me from working my hardest. My mother noticed, she tried to get some food into me three times a day at the least, but there was just never enough time. My father had noticed too but he knew I was too focussed to listen.

I heard a knock on the office door and didn't respond, "…Emily? Your team is here. I'm sure that they're hoping that you'll take the weekend off and spend some time with them…"

I put my pen down and walked to the door opening it, "I am working here to bring _your_ son home, so stop trying to make it sound like you care about me and how much I'm working and start trying to leave me alone when I'm working. You made me lose my train of thought."

"Emily," My father scolded quietly. I hadn't spoken to my mother like that since I was seventeen, maybe eighteen, but now I was just tired and grouchy. My father approached and gently pulled me away from the office before closing the door behind me.

I took a breath to calm myself down, "Sorry. What do you mean my "team"? Isn't it just Reid?"

"…No. They heard about how you're doing lately so they decided to come see you for the weekend to try and take your mind off it for a while. I'm hoping it'll do you some good. They'll be coming dress and suit shopping, too." She smiled.

I shook my head, "I don't have time for that this weekend, I have to meet someone and I have to keep—"

"No, Emily. You're taking a break and you're not meeting anyone," My father cut me off, "Keep your voice down, your team is only in the next room."

"I don't give a damn right now." I said snidely as I walked past them and towards the bathroom to my right. I closed the door behind me and looked at myself in the mirror. I shook my head and turned the shower on; there was no way I was letting them see me like _this_. After a few minutes of being in the shower, I heard a knock on the door, "Yeah?"

It opened ajar to allow my mother to speak to me, "I'm just hanging a fresh outfit on the door hook for you." She said quietly before closing the door again. I finished showering and washing my hair before I stepped out and dried off. I blow-dried my hair and got changed into the clothes my mother left before walking out and towards the living room. There sat my team with coffee and quiet conversation between them and my parents. They fell silent when they saw me.

JJ stood up, "Oh god, no. Look at you; you're not eating again, you're not sleeping…"

"You must be a profiler." I mumbled snidely as I walked across the room to the small cart that supported several glasses and alcoholic bottles. I took ice from the ice bucket and dropped three cubes into the glass before pouring vodka in.

"Emily, it is eleven in the morning." My mother said disapproving.

I turned around with the glass, "I don't care."

"You cannot just keep—"

"Daddy, stop her before I hit her." I cut her off and looked at my father.

"You're not going to hit your mother." He said absently, reading his book already.

"It's sweet that you think so." I mumbled before I turned and walked towards the kitchen. I drank back the vodka and then I poured myself a cup of coffee. I sensed someone behind me and I first assumed it'd be Reid, he just felt more comfortable around this house now even more than I did, let alone the others. I heard his voice in the living room though, so my next assumption was Hotch. "What?" My voice was quiet but it sounded hostile.

"I need you to come home." He spoke quietly, and so my second assumption was correct. I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice and they stung with tears that I managed to keep back. Hearing his voice again was like hearing rain after a drought.

I turned around, "What?"

"Emily, look at yourself. You're relapsing and you know as well as I do that you're not going to recover here."

"I am not relapsing." I shook my head and looked down.

He approached me slowly and stood right in front of me, "Emily, please? We're worried; Reid says you're going to be exactly how you used to be if you don't stop soon. He sees you every weekend, he's watched the changes and as painful as it is for him to watch, he knows that he can't help you because he knows that you're not going to listen to him. So listen to me, Emily. This is _not_ an okay way to live or deal with your brother or me or any of your other problems. I know that you can see what you're doing to yourself and I know that you don't want to go through this again."

I bit my lip and blinked my tears away. I lifted my head and looked at him, "It's not your concern anymore." I drank back the coffee and rinsed the cup quickly before walking back towards the archway out into the foyer and then through to the living room.

I heard him sigh behind me and I stopped when he spoke, "Well I still want it to be."

"No, you don't."

"Emily, look at me," He sounded like he was almost begging me to listen to him. I cursed myself silently and turned around to look at him. "You ended us because you didn't think that our relationship would be good for us in the long run, right?" He asked. I nodded in confirmation. "Well look where you are right now and look at what you're doing to yourself. You cannot honestly tell me that this isn't because of me because I know how I made you feel and I know what my presence alone did for you."

"And how would you know that?"

"You're honest when you're drunk…and I'm a profiler."

"…Well even if I wanted to change my mind, nothing could come of it. We live on different continents."

"Why are you so angry today? And every weekend when Reid comes here?"

"Because I'm frustrated."

"No, it's because you're not happy here."

"I'm not going to be happy _anywhere_ anymore until I crack this case and bring my brother home. Please respect that, Agent Hotchner."

"…Wow…not Aaron or even Hotch anymore, just Agent Hotchner." He raised his eyebrows.

"In order to focus completely on this case and solve it before I actually lose my mind, I need to cut everything else out of my life. I think it's best that after this whole ball thing has happened and gone, that you and the team all just…stop. Stop trying to contact me or contact my parents about me. Stop reminding me of everything I have done in my life and every mistake I have made, stop reminding me of Chris, or of Jack and Henry…or of how you made me forget all the bad things in my life, or the way you made me see myself in a different light, or the way you made me feel. Because it kills me, Aaron. It kills me to remember all of that because it isn't my life anymore. This is my life now and finding my brother is the only thing I have to do. Please, please just let me do that," Tears rolled down my cheeks; they had finally broken through right around the time I had started talking about his impact on me. I took a breath and continued, "I don't want to have to remember everything you did for me or everything you helped me with. I don't want to have to remember how you treated me or how much I love you and why. I just want to forget it all. Everything, I want it all gone."

He shook his head, "I can't do that. I'm not letting you leave us…me…again. If you're not coming back to America after the ball then Jack and I are moving here, because Emily there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. You must know by now just how much that I love—"

"Don't." I cut him off before he could finish with 'you'. "Please, just leave me alone."

He didn't say anything else then, he just shook his head and walked back past me and towards the living room. I closed my eyes and leant on the archway as my body felt weak. My chest ached, my head hurt, my whole body was in pain.

* * *

We walked around the high-end stores that were only a short drive from our home for hours. I tried on dozens of dresses, Reid dozens of suits. I hadn't missed the shocked and upset faces of both the team and my parents when they sat in the large rooms where I stood in just my underwear as women circled me to decide what style and size dress would best suit me. I was too thin again and I knew that, and I think they had only realised just how thin in that first store. The following, they just harboured upset faces, although not surprised anymore.  
Several times, the women dressing me would comment on how thin I was and asked if I was always that thin or if I had a disease. They weren't very polite about it, but I put on my best smile and assured that it was all fine. As soon as they were behind me or left the room, my smile would drop back down into the frown it was almost always in now and the team hadn't missed that at all.

Now I sat at the too large dining table that could seat twelve while Sofia brought out the large feast of a dinner she had been ordered to prepare for us. She put the array of different foods all in the centre of the table before exiting the dining room again. I looked at my mother, "Just so you know, this team isn't into the whole say grace thing."

"Oh, thank god." My father mumbled.

"Richard, it's good to thank our god," She looked at me, "That's fine, dear, we can miss a few nights here and there."

"Please never call me dear again…" I said with a quiet voice, a sigh lingering in my tone, "When can I go back to work?"

She sighed and put her hands together, "…I don't want you to go back to work."

"And I don't want to be sitting here right now but we all have to deal with things we don't want."

"No. Enough is enough. You're not any closer than you were before you started and—"

"How would you know that?" I cut her off. She hesitated and I raised my eyebrows, "Because you went through my shit, didn't you?"

"Language."

"You are such a—" I took a breath before I insulted her too much and closed my eyes as I dropped my head and bit my lip. I looked back up in seconds and looked at her, "You're as good as dead if _anyone_ else knows that you so much as glanced into that room. Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"Are you?" She challenged, "Because you are taking risks that your father specifically said _not_ to. Communicating with the police, with the local gangs downtown, with that man that the police have been trying to catch for months now."

"And they've been trying to catch the same people I am now for the past twenty-one years, maybe even longer. Do you think they're any closer than I am? Because from where I'm standing, I'm all Alex has got!"

"Maybe if you asked your team—"

"No." I cut her off quickly.

"They're profilers, Emily! They're trained to do this just like you are!"

"I don't give a fuck what they are. They have lives, families, a country to keep safe. I am not endangering them anymore than I already have."

"Where do you think your father got some of his ideas from? You didn't really think he thought of every single one, considering he's not a profiler or even a cop." Reid cut in before my mother could speak again.

I looked at him now, "Stay out of this."

"I'm already in it, Emily. I have been in it since the first weekend I came here since you moved and started working on this. Your father has kept me informed the whole time I was home, and every time I'm here and you're not in that office, we are." He glanced at my father and looked back at me.

"…You've been helping on this case the whole time?"

"The whole time." He nodded in confirmation.

I shook my head and looked at my father, "You thought it'd be a great idea to add yet another name to their hit list? Not to mention a name of my former team that I specifically asked you to keep out of it all."

"You're dramatizing it, angel." My father spoke calmly.

"No daddy, I'm really not. Do you have any idea what you've done? What you're going to put him through, his team through; me through?" I stared at him and tears stung my eyes but I stopped them from falling. I couldn't believe he had betrayed me like that, and now I was going to have to work this case completely on my own. No fresh eyes, not second opinions; just me and my goal that seemed unreachable at this current moment. They were going to find him before me and I knew it.

* * *

 _"Sometimes, we push the people we love most away from us to protect them."_ _–_ _Unknown_


	44. Chapter 44

**Prentiss**

My mother had ordered silence from my father, Reid, and myself until dinner was over or we spoke about something other than the case and we did it civilly. The other two spoke with my mother and team about light topics as they ate and laughed every so often, but I sat in complete silence and moved the food around on my plate. I had maybe four bites before I stopped trying to make myself eat it.

Rossi sat at my immediate right and bumped my arm lightly after a while. I looked at him and he raised his eyebrows before motioning to my plate, "Please eat?" He whispered. I looked back down without a word of reply or even a head nod or shake. After another minute or so, I felt eyes on me and I glanced up. Hotch was watching me with sad eyes, but I was the only one in the world that could pick those eyes; everyone else would just see the same emotionless, blank face he usually had. Once our eyes met for a short while, I dropped mine and sipped the wine in front of me.

A knock on the door was heard by all not five minutes later, and Sofia walked through to answer it before I stopped her, "Sofia, wait," I looked between my parents, "Are either of you expecting anyone?" My father shook his head and my mother hesitated.

"Sofia, you can get the door." She said quietly, her eyes on mine, worry in them. My eyes narrowed as I questioned myself as to why she was being so secretive right now. After a minute or so as they all ate quietly, I heard two pairs of footsteps approaching the dining room. Sofia walked through back to the kitchen, but I groaned as I saw Clyde stand leaning against the doorway.

I looked at my mother, "Why are you doing this to me?"

"You're trying to cut me out of your life again, darling." He said with a smirk.

"Yeah, and I'd appreciate it if you _stayed_ cut out of it, thanks."

He snickered, "Well your mother called me here to help you bring Alex home, so I'll just go to the study while you all eat."

"No!" I jumped up at the same time my father stood. Clyde could never go in there right now.

"Oh, don't want to risk my life either?" He smirked.

"No, I don't give a damn about you, I just think you shouldn't—"

"Start just yet," My father cut me off. He knew exactly why I didn't want Clyde to go in there yet, "You should eat first. Come, sit, eat."

Clyde glanced suspiciously between the two of us a few times before he titled his head and kept his eyes on me, "I'm up on that suspect board of yours in there, aren't I?" He concluded correctly.

I let my forced smile drop and I sighed, "…It's just that you know so much about hunting people, and you know so much about Alex and who he is and what he's in. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time you gave me a reason _not_ to trust you."

He shook his head, "How many times do you need to me assure you that I wasn't an inside man for Doyle before you believe me? I wasn't—"

"You were and I know you were," I cut him off, "But I can live with that because it was only really me that you were endangering…except for Shaun, Jeremy, and…Tsia," It was still hard for me to think about her and how I sent her to her death. I shifted my stance slightly as I said her name and averted eye contact at the mention. "This time around you will be endangering my family and I'm not letting you do that."

"Well that's actually not up to you. You shouldn't even be working this case at all considering you're not an agent for anyone anymore, let alone Interpol _or_ the CIA, which are the only organisations that _should_ be working on this. You wouldn't want me to report that, would you?"

I bit the inside of my cheek and shook my head with a snicker as I looked to my side, "Knock yourself out." I said unwillingly. I glanced at my father as he sat back down in defeat. I sat back down and dropped my head into my hands, "He's going to ruin our chances. Thank you for that, mother."

* * *

I had eaten more after Rossi started harassing me over it, and we had finally finished dinner and we were all now seated in the living room with our choice of alcoholic beverage. I was drinking vodka on the rocks like I had been often lately. I was reluctantly in the middle of a conversation with JJ and Savannah right now as the others laughed at us, although I felt more like myself right now than I have since I moved here and became hostile and irritable. I did notice that I had smiled a few times, and that was good to think about.

After a while though, Clyde walked out with two files. He approached me and held them out to me. I looked at them in his hand and then looked at him hesitantly. He raised his eyebrows and waited for me to take them. I took them slowly and sat up to put my glass down. He stood with his arms crossed in silence as the others fell silent and I skimmed through the two files. I closed the second one after reading through it and looked back up at him, "I have been looking over every single one of those files in there for three weeks. How did you manage to find something that I didn't in two hours?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Fresh eyes. No real emotional connection to the case. Sufficient sleep and food consumption…alcohol free."

"I hate you."

"No you don't." He took the files back and gave them to Reid before making his way back to the study.

"Hey, don't—"

Reid held his hand up, "Since the first weekend you moved." He opened the first one and I saw JJ beside him, reading over his shoulder. I didn't say anything, I would be yelling if I did and I didn't want to yell at them. He noticed after only a few seconds and they looked at each other for a few seconds before he took the second file and held it to her. She glanced at me as she took it and opened it.

"Reid!" I stressed as I sat up properly again.

"Garcia looked into it, she found a file on Alex, they all know now anyway. Let them help." He said quietly as he read.

I stood quickly and left the room quickly. I made my way upstairs and I heard footsteps following me. I ignored it and closed my bedroom door behind me before it opened again almost immediately. I knew it was Hotch then; the others would have stopped and knocked.

"Emily—"

"Stop, just stop," I cut him off. I shook my head, "I can't take it again so don't start." I turned away from him and into the ensuite bathroom to my left. I stood in front of the mirror and started at myself as I forced the tears away.

He walked to the door and stood in the open doorway, leaning on the door frame, "Tell me what's really upsetting you this much, because I know it isn't just us." I closed my eyes and shook my head as I dropped my head down. A second later I felt his hand on the right side of my waist and he spun me around to face him slowly and gently. His hand ran down to my hip before he took my hand in his and linked his fingers between mine. "Emily, talk to me."

"I just have nothing left. I miss the team, and Henry and Jack…and you. I'm constantly feeling homesick, I'm tired and frustrated. My mother was right, I am no closer to finishing this than I was when I first started, and that kills me because I can hear the disappointment in her voice, and I can see it in her eyes, when she talks about it or anyone does. I'm out of energy and patience and motivation."

"No sweetheart, what you are is depressed. Let us help you, we will solve it and we will bring him home, and then you can relax again."

"I can't endanger you all."

"We're here, we're already in danger. Emily, please believe me when I say that nothing is going to convince us to stay out of this anymore. At first we figured we'd let you settle it yourself; we knew that all you wanted was to bring him home on your own. But when Reid came back and told me everything that was going on with you, I decided that we couldn't stay out of it anymore. I was not going to let you destroy yourself again, and so I gathered the team and spoke to them. I said that if they were worried at all – even slightly – for their safety, then to tell me and we wouldn't come, but they're all here. Savannah isn't even a profiler but she made Morgan teach her what to look for in files and how we do some things so that she can help. Obviously, we can't stay here because we still have work and JJ and I have Henry and Jack, but we're all still going to work this from home; your father already agreed to keep us up to date with everything."

I bit my lip before I nodded, "Okay."

He smiled, "Okay." He went to speak again but he stopped himself before he did.

"What?" I asked him quietly.

"…I uh…I went on a date last week," He started quietly. I looked down once I realised what he said and I closed my eyes. It hurt. "But all I could think all through dinner was that she wasn't you. So…I'm going to ask you something right now and I want you to really think about it before replying."

I nodded, "…Okay."

"If I come back here next weekend with Reid, will you let me take you out to dinner?"

I smiled, "Are you asking me out on a date right now?"

"I am." He nodded.

I smiled wider and nodded, "Yes, I will go out for dinner with you next weekend."

He smiled too, "And there's that genuine Emily Prentiss smile that we all love so much." He winked before he kissed me. I reciprocated it very willingly and almost urgently. Once parted, I looked down and bit my lip.

I looked back up after a few seconds, "Thank you for bringing me back to sanity." He laughed at that lightly and kissed my cheek before he took my hand and pulled me out from the ensuite and the bedroom. I parted out hands at the top of the staircase and he gave me a questioning look. I shook my head, "My parents will not accept this just yet. Best to keep them in the dark for a while."

He nodded in understanding, "Okay."

We walked back downstairs and I took one file from Morgan's hands and the other from Rossi's, "Before you go any further, I have rules." I watched as they all sat back and looked at me. I looked at Hotch and he sat down beside Rossi where he was previously. "Okay, before I lay it all down for you, I need you all to understand that this is nothing like a normal case that we would work on; it is more complex, it is more dangerous, and it should be treated as such. It is extremely different to the cases with Foyet, Ian Doyle, Askari, Tobias Hankel, and the Replicator. It is not just this team that is in danger or an individual, it is my family, my brother, and half of London. I need to know now if you all can handle that because with this case comes extreme secrecy, sacrifice, guilt, and regret."

I looked over my whole team as they all nodded in agreement that they could handle it. I included Savannah too because I knew she wanted to help me, and so she could do what Morgan had taught her and she could help Garcia. I hadn't noticed Clyde standing silently behind me, leaning against the archway, until he cleared his throat quietly and readjusted his stance, "Are you sure you want to involve them, darling? Because you can't change your mind after this…"

"I'm aware." I said passive aggressively.

"Okay." That was all he would say to this right now.

"What are your rules?" Morgan asked quietly.

"I will provide burner phones to you all with only your teams numbers, my number, Clyde's, and my parents, and it will be only us that you are contacting with it about this case, and you will not use your work or personal phones at all for anything concerning this case.  
When you're home, you focus on that work before you even so much as think about this case. It is draining, and it is hard, but you focus on you work and your families. Do not so much as even _ask_ someone else outside of the people I just mentioned about anything concerning it, even if you're not blowing the case to do so.  
You will not contact police, London gangs, or criminals. You will contact me, Clyde, or my father with the information you need from them or to share with them and we will do it; you cannot have any involvement with them.  
If we happen to crack this case, you will all remain in America or if you happen to be here for some reason at the time, you will remain in this house, and Clyde and I will handle it. No one is to go into the field, no one is to put themselves in any sort of danger at all, let alone with the people who are causing all of this upon us."

"No, that is where I draw the line." Hotch cut in before I could continue.

"Excuse me?" I raised my eyebrows.

"We are not sending the two of you into the field on your own with no backup and no power against who I'm assuming is more of an organisation rather than one man."

"Well you're either doing that or you're not involved in any of this."

"Emily." He tried to be forceful.

"Aaron." I was showing that I wouldn't stand down, not today.

He sighed irritable and sat back, "Fine."

I looked back to moving my eyes around them as I spoke again, "I can alter, remove, or add any rules as I want at any time, and if these rules are broken then not just the rulebreaker, but all of you, are out. All clear?"

They all nodded to accept the rules, and then Clyde stepped forwards, "I have rules too."

I glared at him, "They don't even like you; you don't get to have rules."

"My rules aren't for your team, they're for you."

" _I_ don't even like you…"

He snickered, "Amusing darling, but we both know that you could not possibly resist me and my charm," he smirked.

I rolled my eyes, "And your proposed rules are?"

"You will sleep at least six hours every night, and you will eat at least two full meals every day, and you will eat them with someone at all times to ensure that you're actually eating."

I shook my head, "You do know that I can kick you out of this house at any moment and refuse to let you back in? You have no power in this case or over me."

"We like his rules…" Garcia said quietly, "You still have to take care of yourself."

I didn't even so much as shift my eyes an inch from Clyde's for several seconds before I finally clicked my tongue and looked down, "Fine." I agreed reluctantly.

He smiled, "Lovely, well now that it's all settled, shall we get to work?" He looked from me to my team and father.

I pointed to my mother, "You are staying way out of this whole thing, I hope you know that. You're a very high-profile woman; anything that happened to you would just go down as assassination or some terrorist act."

She nodded and stood, calling out to Sofia as she walked out of the living room.

"Clyde and I will go and bring everything out here; I don't think your team would enjoy working in that small office together." My father said as he stood.

"No," I stopped them before they left, "I'll clear out my bedroom and we can move it all there; mother cannot see it, Sofia cannot see it, visitors cannot see it."

"We can move it to the spare room down here then." My father decided before they walked out. That room was where Morgan and Savannah were going to be sleeping, but they could sleep upstairs in the room where Hotch originally would have been and he could stay in my room.

After I let them, with the help of Morgan and Reid, move everything from my father's office to the downstairs bedroom, Clyde called it a night and told us all to go to bed. I glared at him as my parents both went upstairs, Sofia to the small room she had upstairs, and Garcia and Savannah up there too. The others stood and watched silently as I stared at him, "Clyde, if you do anything that will even slightly sacrifice my chances of finishing this, or put my team and family in any sort of danger, I _will_ kill you."

He nodded with a smirk, "Well I'm going to bed. Goodnight." He nodded to me and then to the remaining members of the team in the room before he walked towards my father's office; he'd probably fold the sofa out and sleep in there often from now on.

"Come on Em, we have dance at nine." Reid said quietly.

I nodded, "Yeah, I'll be right up," I looked at Hotch, "You can stay in my room…" He nodded before turning and walking upstairs behind the others. I stood in the living room for a few seconds to take a breath and calm myself down before I turned all the lights out downstairs on my way to the staircase. I walked up and to my room, closing the door behind me. I stood with my back against the door and bit my lip as I watched Hotch's back muscles shift as he slid his shirt off and stood straighter again. I closed my eyes and shook my head, we couldn't do anything tonight, I just couldn't.

Instead, I went into the ensuite and did my nightly routine and got changed before turning the light out and shutting the door. I walked to the bed where Hotch already lay and I turned the light out, leaving only the lamp to illuminate the room. I crawled underneath the covers and once I felt Hotch's arm go behind my head and he touched my opposite shoulder, I moved closer to him and lay on his chest. He turned the lamp out and kissed my hair, "Please get better again, sweetheart." He whispered before silence fell over the room.

* * *

 _"But accepting help doesn't have to mean giving up control." – Sarah Dessen._


	45. Chapter 45

**Prentiss**

Our dance lesson was long and felt tiring. I knew the team was leaving for the airport very soon, so Reid and I headed back to my parent's house as fast as we could. I hugged the team and Savannah – JJ and Rossi the longest – as a goodbye. Once all goodbyes with them were said and they had their bags beside them, ready to take out to the cars, I asked my parents and Clyde to please leave me with them for a few minutes. They abided and left the room, and then the others made their way to the foyer because they knew that Hotch and I were something again. I turned to him and he smiled sadly before I threw my arms around him quickly. He returned the gesture in a tight and protective embrace before we parted, and he pressed his lips to mine. We kissed only a few times before I pulled away, "See you next weekend?"

"I'll make Reid take a much earlier flight." He winked.

I smiled and kissed him again, "Bye."

"It won't be long, sweetheart." He could hear the sadness and desperation in my voice in just that one word. I nodded before he touched my cheek affectionately and walked past, to the foyer. I followed and saw Clyde standing in there too.

"You two love birds done?" he asked, "I'm driving one of the cars."

"Please make sure she takes care of herself." Hotch asked him quietly, ignoring his love bird comment. Clyde nodded and I watched with teary eyes as they all left the house. Clyde winked at me before closing the door behind him and I heard my parents enter the foyer behind me.

"It's not too late, angel. We know that you're much happier when you're with them. You can go back home with them and we can coordinate." My father spoke sympathetically.

"No, I work better here," I shook my head, "But my god, did you know it's six dances, not five?" I changed the subject and looked at my mother.

My mother nodded, "I was told five, and then they told me different in an email last night that I checked before we went to bed. It's only one more."

"Do you have any idea how tiring dancing is? I am going to be dead."

She nodded, "I know that it'll be hard on the both of you, especially you in heels, but you'll get through it."

I nodded, "Well I'm going to work."

"Stop, no you're not. Your deal with Clyde was that you have at least two meals a day. You skipped breakfast, so you'll have lunch with us now and dinner tonight. Come, it's ready." My father turned with my mother and they both walked back towards the dining room. I sighed and followed them. I knew that I had to, I knew that I couldn't keep doing this to myself, but I think that what really made me follow them right now was Hotch's words last night that he whispered before we slept. He wanted me to get better, and so I would for him, because all I ever wanted and all I'll ever want is to make him happy and keep him happy. If getting better again now would achieve that, even for a little while, then that's what I'd do.

I sat quietly and ate slowly as my parents talked for a while. Once silence fell, I knew they were looking at me and I felt like I had to speak. "So if we ever find them and Alex comes back here, I don't know whether I'll be staying in London of going back to America." I said quickly.

" _When_ you find them," my mother corrected in an irritating positive tone, "And you do what will make you happiest, dear. Just be sure to visit more often if you decide to leave again."

"In other news, Natalia and Jason cancelled." My father said after we started to fall back into silence.

My mother put her fork down and raised her eyebrows, "Excuse me?"

"They can't come to the ball anymore."

"Well what are we supposed to do? We can't just have two empty seats. Do you have any other friends in America?" She looked at me.

I shook my head, "Just invite Clyde and Sofia."

She relaxed after thinking about that for a second, "Yes, that'll work. Good thinking, dear."

I nodded and finished what I could before I felt too sick to keep eating, which was rather soon. I excused myself afterwards and went straight to the spare room downstairs where everything would now stay. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again and getting to work.

* * *

"You really didn't have to do this." I said to Hotch as we walked into the expensive restaurant. It was French, elegant, and way out of his price range.

"Hotchner," he said to the waitress ready to seat us, and we followed her through to our table for two. "Just sit down and shut up," He smirked at me, "And don't even think of trying to pay for anything before we leave because I will shoot you."

I smiled and looked down, "This place is way out of your price range." I shook my head.

"If it was out of my price range, we wouldn't be here. Look at the menu and don't look at the price, just get what you want." He said as he handed one of the menus to me.

"Would you like to start with wine or champagne?" The waitress asked quietly.

He glanced at me before looking back to her, "Your finest champagne, please?"

She nodded with a smile, and I saw the slight spark of surprise in her eyes. This was going to bankrupt him. She walked away quickly, and I looked at him, "You just ordered champagne instead of wine…"

"You like champagne much more." He looked down at the menu in front of him.

I smiled, "I'm pretty sure you're the first guy I have ever gone on a date with that didn't just assume I was a wine kind of girl."

"Well did they know that you prefer champagne?"

"I didn't think _anyone_ knew that, but apparently you do."

"There are a lot of things that I know about you that you don't think anyone knows."

I smirked and tilted my head in a suspicious way, but I didn't ask about what he thought he knew or how he knew it. I'd leave the secrecy with him; I knew he liked to know me better than I knew myself and he definitely did when it came to most things, but there were still some things that he was completely oblivious of and would have to stay oblivious of for the rest of our lives. The waitress returned and poured our champagne before telling us she'd be back soon for our orders and with more champagne whenever we wanted it. I took the conversation away from my life for a while and we talked about his back in America, and we spoke briefly of the team and Jack, but once our orders were brought out and I hesitated, looking at the rather large meal in front of me, he sighed and put his fork back down.

"Emily, look at me." He spoke quietly. I bit my lip and looked up. "I know how hard everything has been on you lately and how difficult it is for you to keep that healthy lifestyle, but just because it is hard does not mean it is impossible. You know that what you've been doing to yourself isn't okay and I know that you hate that it's happening, so don't let it. Do not let that overcome you again."

"I'm trying." I said quietly.

"I know you are, I know that you are trying your hardest and I am so proud of you for that. I just need you to keep trying; don't give up."

"Is that what tonight is really for? For you to try and talk me into eating properly again, to eat tonight? Did my mother put you up to this?"

"What? No, Emily, that isn't it at all. Tonight is happening because when you left, part of breaking it off with me was because we weren't even dating, that you thought I was just having some fun. So I've decided that I'm taking you on a date like I am currently, and I've decided that I want you to tell me everything I did wrong so that I can stop doing those things and we can be together."

"We live on different continents." I said quietly.

"That'll change once your brother is safe," He said confidently, "Patience is a virtue, sweetheart."

I smiled, my stomach filling with butterflies immediately upon hearing the term of endearment like it did every other time he has ever said it. Really, my stomach filled with butterflies whenever he was around in general. I bit my lip as I picked up my fork and I took a bite of the risotto. It tasted amazing, better than I had ever had before, but something inside of me was telling me to stop now. I ignored that part of me the best I could and ate until I began to feel sick, and then I stopped. I hadn't even eaten half, but it was a large serving. I think I did well to begin with.

He smiled at me as I sipped the champagne and overexaggerated my delight. "I want this champagne to turn into a person that I can marry it."

He laughed at me and shook his head, "I'm not good enough, then?"

I tried to ignore my brain as alarm bells went off. Did he think I wanted to get married? I wasn't exactly the marrying type; at least not right now. "I think you're going to have to try a bit harder." I teased with a nod. We both laughed and he sipped the champagne. The waitress took our plates after a while and Hotch tried his hardest to make me laugh with jokes and stories; he was overly successful. I hadn't remembered the last time I felt this happy since I moved here.

Once we finished our current glasses of champagne, he suggested we take a walk, and so he paid the cheque and we left the restaurant. It was cold outside and my jacket was rather thin, but it would do for now; I wasn't going to complain. After only a few steps, I felt his hand find mine and he linked our fingers. I held on as we walked at a rather slow pace, but I watched the stars in the sky as we did, letting him lead the way. After a while of us walking in comfortable silence, I pulled my jacket around me tighter as the night grew cooler and my body started to shiver. Hotch stopped walking and I stopped beside him. Just as I was about to question what was wrong, he slid his suit jacket off and smiled at me as he hung it over my shoulders and pulled it around me. Then instead of linking out hands again, he put his arm around me as we walked. We eventually reached a park and sat down on of the benches. We were seated in a clearing, so I looked at the stars for a short while before I felt him looking at me. "What?" I asked quietly without moving my eyes away from the sky.

"You look really stunning tonight, Emily. I mean you do every night, but I think it's the genuine smile and that sparkle that's back in your eyes that outdoes it tonight."

I smiled and looked at him. I lifted my left hand, the one closest to him, and placed my index finger under his chin lightly before I kissed him. It was only brief and I longed for more, but I stopped myself there.

"Emily," He whispered, his lips only inches from mine, "I love you."

I closed my eyes and sighed in relief at the words. I couldn't remember how long I had been waiting to hear him say those words. He pressed his lips back to mine with a sense of urgency in the kiss and I put my arms around his neck as his hands went to my hips and pulled me to straddle him. After we made out for several minutes, I pulled away to catch my breath, "No one does this in London. PDA is frowned upon by the locals." I laughed.

"No one is around, and we're lucky I'm a tourist, then."

I smiled, "Should we go home?"

"Where your parents and Reid are?"

"My parents are on the other side of the second storey and Reid is a few doors down. I can be quiet if you can."

"Can't we check into a hotel?" He asked as we stood and I linked my hand back with his as we walked towards the exit of the park.

"Nope, not safe enough for me."

"What?"

"I told you that I was working both with _and_ against some of London's worst."

"You also said that you wouldn't be in danger."

"…Mm…I lied," I looked up and laughed at his face, "Relax. I'll be okay, I promise." I pecked his lips lightly and we continued back towards the restaurant where my car was parked, or rather one of my father's cars that I was borrowing while I was here. Of course, I had to drive because the road rules were very different here, let alone the side of the road you were supposed to drive on. I learnt my lesson on letting American's drive after Reid's second weekend here; it was nightmare. He was a literal genius but he just couldn't get it through his head that we drove in the left lane here.

Once we returned to my parents' house, I snuck us through unseen by Reid and my parents who may have been in the living room and we went up to my room. As soon as the door was closed behind me, I attacked his lips with mine and pulled him towards the bed with me. He came willingly, deepening the kiss once I fell to the bed and he pushed me to lay and hovered over me.

* * *

" _Every day I'm convinced that I can't possibly love you more…and every day I'm proven wrong." – Steve Maraboli._


	46. Chapter 46

**I'm sorry that my publishing schedule is so erratic! Between trying to juggle school and work, I've also had an unbelievable amount of trouble with both family and friends and it's all leaving me with either no time or no energy to write/update. I'll try be better!**

 **-A xx**

 **Prentiss**

I went to countless amounts of dress stores with my mother and Reid every weekend, and sometimes I'd drag Sofia with us just to get a break from my nagging mother and the know-it-all Reid. I had been to many fittings, my mother determined to have a dress that fit perfectly, not anything out of place. Our dance lessons were unbelievably tiring even after weeks of doing it.

I had spent my weeks here in that spare room downstairs where everything waited for me to return again, and Clyde was almost always with me. My father started to give us a bit more room to work together as agents and without the distraction he sometimes caused.

Finally, the week of the ball had come. The team was arriving this evening and we were to eat a "Sunday roast" with my parents and Clyde, and then the rest of the week they were apparently free to do whatever they wanted. Today was not a great day for me, though. I was tired, I was frustrated, and another lead had gone down the drain last night. I did, however, have a meeting with someone this afternoon. I was to bring only Clyde, I wasn't to tell anyone who or where we were meeting, and I was to keep all the information within the people I was working with; it couldn't leave that small room of boards and files once we receive what we needed.

I had a shower and left my hair out over my shoulders. I changed into a black dress with a white trim and a few small flowers near where it ended mid-thigh, and waited in the living room with my father for Clyde. He came not five minutes later from his apartment, and he walked straight into the house without knocking like he and Reid had both been doing lately. "Alright, let's move." He clapped his hands together once as he looked at me.

I nodded and stood up. I took my phone from the table in front of me and my bag from another closer to where Clyde stood.

"Wait, dear, can't you tell me where you're going?" My mother asked as she rushed into the room.

"How many times do I need to tell you to stop asking questions like that?" I looked at her.

"How many times do I need to tell you to stop taking such dangerous risks?" She shot back. I rolled my eyes and turned back to Clyde.

"Look, Elizabeth, I can agree that every other decision like this one that she has made as not been the best move, especially since they didn't really get us anywhere good, but I'm telling you, this one is real. This is a real possibility."

"Really?" I looked at him again in surprise. We never agreed on anything anymore.

"I said you were a rather stupid _person_ , I _didn't_ say you were a rather stupid _agent._ "

"Yeah, right, well let's go." I pushed him lightly and we walked back into the foyer and towards the front door. We got into the car he had borrowed from one of Interpol's more…intense…teams. It was decked out in subtle armour and every kind of proof windows you could think of. I stepped into the passenger seat and looked at him as he sat behind the wheel. He didn't turn the ignition yet, though. Instead, he looked at me.

"You know as well as I do that this man is probably the worst we could meet in this situation, excluding the men who are targeting Alex and in turn, targeting us…so promise me one thing. If things get ugly, you bolt."

"What? No. Clyde, I may not like you very much or enjoy your company, but we're still a team here, and you don't leave your team behind. I learnt that the hardest way possible, but ever since I have never made the same mistake in any situation. If it gets ugly, then we fight. We have the most valuable, lethal skills here in London, maybe in this hemisphere. We may not like to use it, but it's there for when we need it. I'm not saying just pull out the big guns straight away – you know how much I hate what we've done in the past and how we did it – but we have the resources."

He held a closed fist out and I bumped it with mine before he started the car and drove down the driveway of my parent's estate. I was silently praying that this would go well. If it did, we could have the answers; we could find these people we're hunting and we could end this. If it didn't go well, then it wasn't just our lives lost, it was my parents, my brother, my team. It was everyone I knew, everyone I had.

* * *

The meeting, while tense and intimidating, didn't go bad at all. We received answers to things we wanted to know, we received valuable information, and now we were celebrating at Clyde's request and mother's order to Sofia to not let me work anymore tonight. So now I danced around my parents large living room with music blasting, drinking with Clyde and Sofia. She insisted on making dinner, but I told her we'd order out and she could relax and have some fun for tonight. My mother wouldn't be happy with me but she'd deal with it; at least I wasn't working. Clyde laughed as Sofia and I almost tripped over each other trying to perform one of many complex dance moves that Reid and I had perfected.

Although I had been eating more regularly now and I had gained some of that weight back that I had lost since I moved here, I still got drunker a lot faster than I used to. I was buzzing, not walking in a straight line, laughing at everything even when it wasn't funny. It hadn't occurred to me that the team may not be comfortable with me drinking this much in the state that I was in. They were all convinced I had a bad case of depression but I refused to believe it. I was fine, I would be fine, all was fine.

Not long past before I heard the front door open and my mother call out to me over the music. Clyde turned it off with the remote in front of him and sat back, one arm over the back of the couch and the other holding his beer in his lap. Sofia sat down beside him and I turned around as my parents walked in and the team behind them. Reid walked through without a second thought and greeted Sofia and Clyde with a smile.

"What made you think that getting drunk at," My mother looked at her watched, "Five in the evening was a good idea?"

"We're celebrating because that meeting today was very successful and we may have found something that will help us end this." Clyde answered before I could, "She really hasn't had as much as it seems, she just can't handle her alcohol like she used to."

"…I'm going upstairs before I get angry."

"Bye bye," I waved as she walked past me. I looked back to the team, "Drinks?" Most of the team accepted and I went and grabbed eight drinks of their choice. I gave my father one and one to each member of the team. I held one out to JJ last and she hesitated before she smiled and took it. I didn't miss the glance she and Reid shared, but I ignored it for now; I was too drunk to bring anything up without making it obvious to anyone else and I didn't know if they knew.

Instead, I sat down beside Hotch and smiled, although I didn't do anything affectionate; my father was in the room. Clyde turned the music back on but down to a low volume that we could talk over, and Sofia got the two of them another drink before long. I had resorted to just holding the whole bottle of vodka.

A long while past before Reid spoke to me directly and everyone fell quieter to listen, "Em, we have rehearsal tomorrow…maybe ease up a bit?"

I tilted my head, "Maybe focus on your own drinking instead of mine for a change?" I was snappy today. He glanced at Hotch and then looked at JJ beside him. Savannah quickly spoke to take the attention away from the tense air between Reid and I.

* * *

I was seeing doubles after another hour and then I began to mess up my order of words when I spoke. I excused myself quietly from the team and left the vodka on the table before walking down to the bathroom. I noticed how much everything was really spinning then, and when I left the bathroom, I ran into the wall and fell to the ground. I leant on the wall behind me and closed my eyes. I heard footsteps approaching me and I heard Hotch and Rossi speak quietly.

"Definitely time to get her to bed…" Rossi said.

"I tried a half hour ago, she's not having any of it. I think there's more of a reason that she's drinking this much rather than just celebrating. If they really found something that important, you'd think they'd be working their hardest now, not drinking 'til they pass out."

"Ask her tomorrow, there's no way she could communicate effectively right now."

I heard one set of footsteps walk away and I opened my eyes as I felt Hotch's hand take mine gently, "Hey sweetheart, come on," He pulled me up and I leant into him to gain my balance, "Time for bed, okay?" he kissed above my ear.

"No." I shook my head as we walked back towards the living room.

"Emily, please?" he whispered as we entered the room again.

"I'm having fun." I walked away from him before he could hold me tight enough and I sat down beside Garcia on the couch. I picked up the bottle of vodka and sipped it. He sighed in defeat and sat beside Rossi. My father had since gone to bed, and JJ and Reid were no longer in here.

My phone began to ring behind me and I used the table beside the couch and the back of it to keep myself on my feet. I answered the call and held the phone to my ear, "Emily."

"Hey Emily, it's Vincent. I know it's late but I know you're not sleeping. Security checks found him again; he's going to get caught very soon if he doesn't stop trespassing on their property. I've taken the footage this time and wrote over it with a playback to keep it between us, but they're going to notice sooner or later, so he needs to either stop or find probable cause."

I nodded, "Yeah, thanks Vince; I'll tell him."

"Bye." He hung up and I put my phone down before looking at Clyde.

"…What?"

"You make me so fucking mad. How many times do you want me to tell you that they're onto you and you need to stop stalking them?"

"I'm not stalking them, I'm simply—"

"No Clyde, you are stalking them, and trespassing on their property? Boy do you know how to stretch your limits. That was Vince, security cameras caught you again. You need to stop because they're going to catch you soon and I can't do this by myself."

"Relax, they won't catch me." He brushed it off.

"You seem to have a very irrational thought that they're complete morons…"

"How are you speaking in full sentences right now? Because you're definitely seeing doubles and you can't walk." He changed the subject.

I shook my head, "Shut up."

He smiled, "Well I'm going to go to bed because we do actually have things to do tomorrow, darling. Good night." He drank back the rest of his drink before he left the glass on the table and walked towards my father's office; he had been staying on his couch. It was very comfortable. I rolled my eyes and sat back down to continue drinking; I didn't want to stop. I was having a bad day and this was making me forget it.

* * *

I woke up with my head and one hand on Hotch's chest. He was breathing evenly so I knew he was still asleep. My head was pounding and as soon as moved slowly to sit up and not wake him, I felt a huge wave of nausea overcome me. I got up and ran to the ensuite, getting there only just in time. I kicked the door closed behind me in the hopes that Hotch wouldn't wake but only a few minutes past before it opened again quietly. I felt him pull my hair back for me and rub my back gently. He waited silently as I emptied the contents of my stomach and then coughed a few times. He kissed the back of head as I sat there still leaning over the bowl in case it wasn't finished, and then I eventually took a small wad of toilet paper to wipe my mouth before flushing it and sitting up. I got up and washed my face over the sink before leaning on the wall and sliding down to sit with my knees to my chest.

"…Want to tell me why you were _really_ drinking that much last night?" He asked quietly after a few seconds past, "Because I know you weren't celebrating."

I looked at him and shook my head, "It's nothing."

"Emily."

I sighed, "I'm just not having the best time at the moment. I mean I'm trying my hardest, but nothing ever really seems to be enough. And if I can't bring Alex home then I will have nothing left, and right now it looks like I'm not going to be very successful."

"You have your parents; you have me, Jack, Henry, the team. As much as you hate to admit it, you have Clyde. I know that no one really compares to someone of your own bloodline, your brother, but it's something, right?"

I nodded and looked down at our hands as his fingers ran small patterns over the back of my palm. He was sitting in front of me, shirtless and tired. I bit my lip to ignore my temptation and linked my fingers through his quickly.

"You have rehearsal later today, why don't you have a shower and I'll go get you some coffee?"

"Wait, how bad was I last night? Did I embarrass myself?"

He fought a smile but it broke through and it was a dead giveaway, "You snapped at Reid a few times to begin with…and you fell over in the hall downstairs and I found you, and you had to use objects to keep yourself upright when you walked around. You also fell in front of the whole team and then you kind of passed out…so I carried you up to bed."

"I passed out in front of them!?"

He nodded, "I have never seen Morgan get his phone out quicker…"

"Oh my god, he took photos? I hate myself," I stood up as I shook my head. I sighed and turned to the shower. I started the water and glanced behind me, "Feel free to join me…" I hinted as I slipped my shirt off. He didn't think twice.

* * *

" _My love is, and always will be, yours." – Jane Austin, Sense of Sensibility._


	47. Chapter 47

**Prentiss**

The rehearsal on Monday was long and tiring, and even worse with a hangover. After the rehearsal, Reid and I met the team at a nice restaurant for a late lunch and then I showed them some close sights that they were dying to see. Reid and Garcia asked me questions about these sights and the history, to which I knew the answers. I felt like a tour guide but we had fun.

Today I woke up in one of my bad moods; I knew as soon as I opened my eyes that I would be down, irritated, and intolerant today. I forced myself up though, because the team was here, and they didn't need to know how much I was struggling with life here. That was my problem to fight, not theirs. I showered for longer than I normally would and I made my way downstairs as Hotch showered. I poured myself coffee in the kitchen and drank it in there, staring out the window as I sipped it slowly. I heard the team talking in the living room with Clyde about the case, but I couldn't hear my parents in there. I hoped they were out today; I couldn't handle my mother.

"Em?" I heard JJ call quietly, followed by the sound of her footsteps on the wooden floors of the foyer that separated the living room from the kitchen. I closed my eyes, my back still to the door, and took a deep breath. "Hey, how long have you been up?"

"Not that long." I looked down and poured out half of my remaining coffee. I rinsed the cup and put it in the dishwasher for the next wash that Sofia would put on.

"…Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I insisted as I turned and looked at her, but I dropped my eyes after only a second or two. I was her long enough to know that she saw me tip the coffee out and that she was suspicious.

"So you're not okay, then…" She nodded, "Alex, Hotch, or something else?"

I shook my head, "It's just that kind of day."

"Well we don't have to do anything today if you don't want to, we can just stay here."

"No, I'm showing you the rest of London."

"We can do that tomorrow."

"No, we're doing it today. Tomorrow my mother is making us all go in to get my dress, Reid's suit, and all your dresses and suits that she insisted on buying and getting fitted, and Reid and I have dance training. On Thursday we have our last dance training, and then Friday is the day, and then Saturday we're partying, and you're all leaving Sunday morning."

"…Okay." She knew I wasn't going to cancel. I did really want to show them everything else that I hadn't yesterday, but I just wished it was a better day for me personally. She turned to walk out but I stopped her before she left.

"Hey, don't tell anyone and especially not Hotch or Clyde, okay? I just know that if they know then I won't catch a break all day and it'll make my mood a thousand times worse."

She nodded, "Okay, I promise I won't say a word." She left the room and I took another deep breath before following. The team smiled at me as I walked in and I forced myself to return it. I sat down beside Reid and he nudged me subtly. The others were distracted by Morgan and Savannah's story enough to not noticed us.

"Bad morning?" He asked quietly.

"How'd you know?" I suspected JJ.

"I can just tell; I've been spending more time seeing you sad than I have happy that I can now pick your mood with one glance."

"I don't know whether I like or hate that…"

He smiled, "Time will tell." I nodded and looked over as Hotch walked into the room. "Hey, where's Sofia? I haven't seen her all morning."

"She went out with Elizabeth and Richard." Clyde said. He was reading a file in his lap.

"Uh…what? Where'd they go?" I questioned.

"Breakfast I think. Seems they have almost replaced you." He said, looking up this time, "And how jealous of her are you because of it?"

"They have not replaced me." I rolled my eyes.

"When was the last time they took _you_ out for breakfast?"

"I feel as though you're trying to start shit between my parents and I again, but I really could not give a fuck if they are replacing me or not. I mean, I replaced my father with Rossi a _long_ time ago."

"Fair enough." He nodded. He looked back down to the file again.

"Well I hope your father doesn't know that because it would be really awkward for me to stay in his house while he hates me." Rossi tried to lighten the tension between Clyde and I that always seemed to occur whenever we spoke to each other.

I snickered and sat back. Hotch was beside me now and I looked at him before lying my head against his shoulder. He put his arm around me and kissed my hair. I relaxed against him and closed my eyes, listening to the team talk again around me.

* * *

The day was long and I was extremely exhausted after keeping a smile plastered onto my face all day. Finally, we had returned home after eating dinner out at an elegant restaurant and I was working quietly in the spare room downstairs. Clyde had left with a phone call, JJ and Savannah sat across the room where they read through files, Garcia was on her laptop at the old polished desk that has been in this room since I could remember. I stood at the board and looked over key pieces of evidence in leads that we had.

Clyde walked in with Rossi and Hotch behind him, "A murder just happened about two hours ago nearby, Interpol thinks it's linked to this. We're going to take a look; you're staying here." He said to me.

"Why do I have to stay here?"

"Because you're not an agent for anyone. At least I can say I've enlisted the help of some friends from the FBI. With you I'd have no excuse."

"Well who is it?"

"…James Blackman."

My whole body felt like to dropped slightly, "Are you serious?"

"You know him?" Reid asked as he walked into the room.

I nodded and looked back to Clyde, "He was a good source. Someone is onto us and that's a clear message to back off."

"Are we backing off?" Garcia asked, looking up.

"You all can if you want, but I'm staying on this."

"We don't know the nature of the murder yet; you're just assuming. I'll tell you more when we get back."

"Ten bucks I'm right." I challenged.

"…No deal." He turned and walked out behind Hotch and Rossi. Reid stood near a small pile of boxes and read through a big file.

"Where's Morgan?" I questioned after a short while.

"…I don't know, must be off taking a break." Reid said. It made me suspicious, but I left it for now.

I couldn't concentrate on anything I was reading or looking at. I was tired, I was in a bad mood, and every little thing was annoying me; The turning of file pages, Garcia's quiet clicks of her keyboard and her pen, the sound of Reid opening and closing boxes of files and evidence that we shouldn't have.

I ended up take files and excusing myself before long and I poured myself more coffee and sat down at the large dining table on my own. I massaged my temple lightly as I drank the coffee and studied the filed; the only sound I could hear now was the quiet bickering of my parents in the living room. Arguing with each other again, of course. When were they not nowadays?

An hour or two past while I stayed in here and Clyde, Hotch, and Rossi returned on my third cup of coffee. I knew they headed straight to the study, but it only took a minute or two for them to find me. The three of them sat down with me and Clyde began listing everything they found on the scene. He confirmed that it was a warning to us but he assured that no one wanted to back down; they were all staying on this case until the day I wasn't, apparently.

I nodded after he finished telling me what he could. "Alright, I need you to go and either study files of recent murders around this general area or call someone who will know if you don't have those files yet. Also check if Reid needs help because he looked irritated before. Um, have any of you seen Morgan or know where he is?"

Clyde shook his head, "I thought he was with Savannah." He stood and left to do what I had ordered.

I looked at Hotch and Rossi, "Do either of _you_ know?" They looked at each other but neither said anything. "…Aaron." I figured I could crack him before I could Rossi; I had that kind of hold on him.

He looked at me for several seconds before I saw him visibly give in with a sigh, "I know where he is but you're not going to like it."

"She has you wrapped around her finger." Rossi shook his head with a smirk.

I closed my eyes, "Please tell me he is not meeting someone."

"…I would be lying if I told you that." Hotch said quietly.

I was going to speak, probably burst. Anger filled me, but fear was more evident within it. I stopped myself from saying anything and shook my head as I looked down and bit my tongue. "Why are rules so damn hard for him to follow?" I stood and walked across to the other side of the dining room. My guns were in one of the drawers of the wall unit. I took them both out as well as their holsters and began to load them.

"Emily, you're not going after him." Hotch said. He stood and walked over quickly. He took one of the guns from the unit in front of me and then the one from my hand.

"What makes you think that you have a choice in the matter?"

"If it's too dangerous for Morgan then it's too dangerous for you."

"He has Savannah here; I can't just let him kill himself."

"And you have me. You're not going," he looked at his watch, "He has ten minutes, and if he's not back by then, then Dave and I will go find him."

"No."

"That was the deal we made with him. If he wasn't back by—" He stopped mid-sentence when we heard the front door open and close. He put the holsters and guns back into the draw once my attention was pulled away from them.

I walked towards the foyer quickly and looked at Morgan as he walked through towards the office. "Hey!" He stopped and turned. "Where the hell were you?"

"…I just went for a walk."

I nodded, "Liar, Hotch told me. Can you get the others in here please?" He hesitated before he nodded and made his way towards the office again. I walked back to the dining room and waited silently. I watched as they all walked in and sat down around the table.

"What's going on?" Garcia asked.

"Four rules. I made four main rules. Why is it that you can never follow them?" I looked around the table but my eyes landed and stayed on Morgan.

He sat forwards and took a breath, "Em, I wasn't trying to make you—"

"I don't care what you were or weren't trying to do, Morgan. Who were you meeting?" He hesitated so I asked again, more forcefully this time.

"His name was Hugo Perez." He admitted quietly.

I closed my eyes and bit my lip as I looked down and shook my head. I took a second before I looked up and I stared at him, "Hugo Perez…" I had to take a breath to calm myself down, "You have no idea just how lucky you are to still be alive right now."

"He seemed reasonable."

"They all do…until they know who you're looking out for. Tell me you didn't mention Alex's name…" Clyde said.

"…Well how else was I going to ask about it?" Morgan looked at me, "You've spoken to him before anyway."

I shook my head, "No I haven't. We don't associate at all with Perez or anyone in his circle. They're probably the only people that we will avoid at all costs."

"Oh…well he knows you."

"Excuse me?"

"He asked how you were."

"What were his exact words?" Clyde asked quietly.

"Uh…I don't remember exactly but it was something like "How is Emily? I trust not too well, what with all the calls she's making to Russia lately" …oh no…" He had just realised.

"Fuck!" I dropped my phone from my hand immediately and stepped onto it as hard as I could to break it. I repeated the step a few times to ensure that it was dead. "Dad!"

I waited a few seconds for him to walk in, "Yes, angel?"

"I need you to go out right now, get a new burner phone, and call Sam. Move Alex way out of Russia because they know."

"How did they find out?"

"Me. I have been calling Sam more lately to check up; they were either tracking my calls or bugged my phone."

"They're better than we thought. You replace that phone with a new one every week." Clyde said.

"I don't know where else we could move him right now…" my father said.

I shook my head and tried to think of places far enough that he hadn't already been in the last ten years, "Australia? New Zealand? Papua New Guinea? Singapore?"

"Singapore. Go Singapore." Clyde chimed in. My father nodded and walked out. "Are you okay?" Clyde asked me.

"I'm fine." I brushed him off and glared at him. My chest was tight and it was difficult to breath without making the discomfort obvious. My hands were clenched so tight that I could feel the skin of my palm slowly breaking.

"…Your chest is so tight because you're too anxious and stressed. The amount of caffeine you've been drinking is worsening it too, and stop clenching your hands because you're bleeding," Savannah spoke to me quietly, "You should get your blood pressure checked because it cannot be healthy right now."

I snickered, "Yeah, right." I looked at my palms. Only my right one had broken, so I took of the napkins from the dining table in front of my stance and pressed it into the three small wounds.

Hotch stood up and walked to the kitchen. He came back in within a minute with a small bandage. He wrapped it around my hand quickly and then looked at me, "Bed, come on."

"I'm not tired."

"You are tired, and you're not going to get anything else done tonight with the mood you're in anyway. Upstairs." He motioned for me to go. I sighed and obeyed. I walked out of the dining room and said a brief goodnight to my mother as I passed the living room. Once upstairs, I brushed my hair out and completed my nightly routine quickly before getting changed into just an oversized shirt. Hotch came in not long after and changed into just a pair of shorts quickly. He lay down beside me and kissed my hair, "I talked to them; no one else is going to break those rules, okay?"

I nodded and lifted my head on the pillow to face him, asking him to kiss me. He obeyed willingly and places several long kisses of my lips. I pushed him gently to lay down and I threw a leg over to straddle him quickly, deepening the current kiss.

"Emily…" He warned once he broke the kiss.

"Please?" I whispered, "I just need to forget."

He sighed before kissing my cheek, "Okay." He flipped us back over and hovered over me as he kissed down my neck. I closed my eyes and bit my lip to keep the rising moan in.

* * *

 _"Stay focussed on the mission." – Naveen Jain._


	48. Chapter 48

**Prentiss**

Two dance trainings past and two long nights of work, and it was finally Friday. I was just praying that tonight would go well and quick enough for it all to finally be over, done and dusted, never to be thought of again. I wasn't supposed to be doing any work at all last night, so I had snuck some files and a notepad and pen into my room with me. Hotch wasn't too happy that I was still working, but he didn't mention it to anyone else but me. I wasn't supposed to be doing anything today either, but I got up early this morning and had a fast shower before starting to work downstairs with a mug of coffee. I got busted after about an hour, though.

I sat up in my room with the girls as three women that my mother hired worked on my makeup. After three hours of torture, it was time for the hair stylists to come in while the makeup artists worked on the other three. Another four hours for my hair past and it was now three. I had an hour to relax and get dressed before we had to leave for the large two-storey hall that would seat maybe three hundred people – give or take – and contained a large staircase, a large stage, and an even larger dance floor. There were only twelve of us being presented but of course it would be a big event in an elegantly decorated hall. Just thinking about walking down a staircase in front of that many people made my stomach churn, let alone dancing in front of them for six dances. Three of these dances were just Reid and I, and three were a group dance of all the presenting couples. It didn't help at all that Reid and I had been named best dancers in training and so we were positioned to be at the front of the others, in full view of every single guest in that hall.

I walked downstairs slowly with my makeup and hair fully completed, dressed in only a fluffy bathrobe. I wasn't supposed to be coming downstairs because my mother was convinced that the boys would do something, anything, to mess either my makeup or hair up. I didn't listen to her ridiculous delusions. The guys were in the living room, I could hear them laughing and teasing Reid; I knew he would be dressed and prepared already. I wondered if he was as nervous as I was. I went to the kitchen and got myself and the other girls a glass of water each. I put them on one of the trays that Sofia always used and a large bowl of strawberries, blueberries, and grapes. I also placed many small quartered triangle sandwiches that Sofia had only just finished preparing for us. She was going to bring them up, but I insisted on getting them myself; she and my mother were getting ready too, somewhere in the house.

I bypassed the living room quickly and headed back upstairs with the tray of water and food. I entered my room again and placed the tray down in the middle of my large bed that had since been made nicely. JJ and I ate slowly as Savannah and Garcia were getting the finishing touches to their hair, and not long later they were sitting on the bed with us, the stylists leaving the room, to report to my mother, no doubt. We talked and laughed, they tried to ease my anxiety and nerves, we joked. After about twenty minutes, my mother came in without even so much as a knock and smiled, "Time to get dressed, ladies. Sofia and I already are, we'll do you three first, and then finish with tonight's princess."

"Um, excuse me…queen," I corrected, "And I'm a damn good queen _every_ night."

She laughed at that quietly as the other three did, and I moved the tray to my dresser as they stood.

"Okay, Savannah first." My mother said enthusiastically as she walked quickly to my closet and pulled out the four bags that contained our dresses. She found the one with Savannah's name as she stripped from her bathrobe to only her underwear and bra. My mother pulled out the long midnight blue gown that flowed right down. She stepped into it and my mother assisted her to put it on and zipped it up at the back for her. She looked absolutely stunning in it. "Alright, twirl, darling." We watched as Savannah spun and I smiled when she looked back at us.

"You look stunning." I complimented. The other two agreed and she walked to my full-length mirror. She looked at herself on several angles before she smiled and turned to look at us.

"Penelope, darling, you're next." My mother said as she unzipped the bag that contained Garcia's dress. Garcia repeated what Savannah had and bit her lip as she looked down at her very dark green gown; she looked beautiful in it, too. Unlike Savannah's, it flared out as it travelled down her body. "You look ravishing." My mother admired her quietly. She looked to us for confirmation and the three of us agreed with such assurance that there was no way she would be second-guessing herself. She stepped to stand beside Savannah with a smile and waited as my mother readied JJ's dress next.

The simple yet vintage baby pink dress that JJ wore was one of my favourites I'd ever seen her in. She loved it too and she spun around in front of the mirror to see it for herself. "I am in love with this dress." She said with a large smile.

"Well it's yours. You can all take these home with you; a gift from Richard and I for being so good to our girl," My mother nodded, "And now it's your turn, dear." She turned and smiled at me.

I looked at the dress as she held it up from the bag. It was a red of a darker shade, and from my waist up it was decorated with crystal detailing that swirled around my whole upper body. Then from the waist down it flowed to a drop like Savannah's, although it was lighter and when I spun, it all flared out magnificently. I was very much in love with this dress, although I couldn't let that be known to my mother.

I heard the girls gasp once I stepped in and it was comfortably placed on my body. I smiled and looked down, my red eyeshadow no doubt standing out and matching the dress.

"You have no idea how gorgeous that looks on you." JJ said with a smile.

I looked at my mother and her hands were cupped over her mouth as she looked me up at down. She motioned for me to spin and I obeyed, spinning around twice quickly. I felt the dress flare our further than you'd expect it to. My hair was half up and half down. The top was pulled loosely and slightly messy back into a pony tail that flowed down and blended with the rest of my hair that was left out, all curled. The two thick pieces left out the front were curled and fell at the sides of my face. It was divided into three parts at the back, one part down my back and the other two parts over my shoulders. I had been instructed to grow my hair as long as I could just for this hairstyle that my mother had been planning since even before I said yes to this presentation, and I could admit that I did not regret it; I loved it right now. There were small diamond flowers stuck through it too and they gleamed in the light of my room.

"Okay, time to practise your presentation walk to your team, and then we're off, okay?" My mother was too excited for me to feel anything but nervous, and she ran out before I could say anything else.

I walked out of my bedroom with the girls and closed the door behind me. I was told to stand out of sight from downstairs where I assumed the team was waiting in the foyer for us to descend the staircase. I could hear Clyde and Morgan talking to each other, and the others were quiet.

"I have no one to impress so I'll get it over and done with." Garcia said, volunteering herself to walk down to them first. I listened as Morgan whistled and they complimented her. Only seconds past before my mother called Savannah to walk down.

"I don't wanna!" Savannah called back, smirking at me.

"Please don't stir her up tonight." I laughed quietly. JJ and Savannah laughed too as the latter walked to the top of the staircase and descended quickly. I heard a small "Wow" from Morgan and the others compliment her too.

JJ sighed as my mother called her and she glanced at me as she walked to the top of the stairs.

"Don't trip, that'd be embarrassing," I laughed as I pictured what I mention, "Imagine if you actually tripped and like…tumbled down the stairs. Like, you kept rolling until you hit the ground. It would be hilarious." I laughed again. She laughed too and had to take a second to stop before she walked downstairs. I wasn't yet sure if the team knew of her and Reid or if they were even still happening; I realised now that I hadn't asked Reid in quite a while.

"Okay dear, come on." My mother called me. I went to walk to the stairs, but when I heard Rossi say something I didn't catch and Reid, Hotch, and Clyde laugh quietly, my stomach dropped. My nerves got in the way already. "…Emily?" She called again.

"Uh…give me a second!" I called down to her. I heard footsteps ascend after a second and my mother appeared around the wall. She raised her eyebrows to question me. "I can't. How can you expect me to present myself to what? Three hundred people? More? How can I do that if I can't even present myself to my own family."

She sighed, "You're just feeling a little self-conscious—"

I shook my head as I cut her off, "Don't try and tell me what I'm feeling; you have no idea what I'm feeling."

"You're getting snappy and I don't like it."

I looked away from her and took a deep breath, "Do not argue with me tonight mother, because I can assure you that no matter how much this means to you, I am not afraid to make a scene. I will argue in front of everyone, I will snap, I will lose it. So please, don't start anything."

"I won't." Her tone was impatient.

"Then I have to tell you something right now before I go down there."

"What?"

"I'm so nervous to go down there because there waits a certain someone whom I have been seeing on and off for a while, and I didn't tell you because you like him, and I didn't want you to have the satisfaction of feeling like you "chose" my other half."

"…Which one is it?" She asked.

"…Hotch." I admitted quietly.

I saw her tense and I knew she was holding back her words, "Emily, you cannot date your boss."

"He's not my boss anymore, and even if he was, I can do what I want."

"No, Emily, you cannot just—"

"We're going to be late. I figured you'd want to know before you saw me holding his hand or hugging or kissing him. I'm ready to go downstairs now."

"…We're not finished this conversation." She said as she turned and made her way back down quickly. I followed behind her but walked much slower down the staircase, concentrating on my feet as to not trip, and I looked at Reid with a smile when he clicked his tongue with a wink.

"Wow…" He wore a large smile as I reached the bottom of the staircase. I rolled my eyes. "What?" He questioned.

"Kill me now." I replied to him casually, motioning to myself and how I looked.

He titled his head, "How many times do I have to ask you to please stop saying things like that?"

"As many times as it takes for you to kill me." I mimicked his head tilt before I smirked.

"Why are you always like this?" He rolled his eyes.

"I like to think that it stems from my childhood." I nodded. He shook his head and bit his tongue to try and stop himself from laughing at me, and I looked around to the team.

"You look stunning." Morgan complimented.

"Goccia morta splendida, mia cara." Rossi smiled at me proudly.

"…What?" JJ asked quietly.

"He said "drop dead gorgeous, my darling"." Reid informed the non-Italian speakers quietly.

I looked at Hotch next, but I could see him looking me up and down, his eyes almost filled with complete desire. I moved quickly to look at Clyde as he spoke, "You look absolutely divine, darling." He winked at me. Once I thanked them, I bit my lip and looked at Hotch again.

He spoke quickly, "I think we should get going, the two of you will be late soon." He looked quickly from me to Reid.

* * *

Reid and I sat in one of the fancy, small limos with Hotch and JJ. The other four were in another, and my parents were with Clyde and Sofia. Hotch sat at my side and my hand was linked with his, my head resting on his shoulder. My eyes were closed as I tried to calm my own nerves.

"Relax, you look gorgeous and you know those dances better than you think you do." Hotch tried to ease my anxiety. I squeezed his hand gently to acknowledge his words, but I didn't speak. I opened my eyes and saw JJ whisper something inaudible in Reid's ear, and he glanced at Hotch before he nodded.

"Hey guys…we kind of have something to tell you…" JJ said quietly; I could tell how nervous she was, but I knew what was about to be said. Reid mustn't have ever told her that I already knew. Well, I knew they were sleeping together at least, I just assumed that they had begun dating somewhere down the track. Hotch looked at her and I lifted my head to listen. It was almost like she shrunk into her own body when her eyes met Hotch's. "I mean… _Spence_ has something to tell you." She looked at him at her side.

"No, I'm not telling him; he'll probably kill me."

"Who wears the pants in this relationship?" She asked him with a teasing tone.

"And the bomb has dropped." I said quietly once she had said that. I felt Hotch tense slightly, but he relaxed once I squeezed his hand, as if to remind him that we were no different.

"…You're dating?" He asked them, looking between them. JJ bit her lip and looked down as Reid nodded in confirmation. "But you're both agents…"

"How is this different to us?" I asked him.

"You're not an agent anymore, especially not one in the same team as me."

"You're being really supportive right now, I can feel their relief from here." I said sarcastically. I shot daggers at him.

"No, I mean I am really happy that the two of you are happy, but I can't legally allow it."

"Oh, for god's sakes," I unlinked our hands and he looked at me. "Just once, can you not be their boss? For one night?"

"And what am I supposed to do when we're back in America and back at work?" He questioned.

"Talk to Cruz, I'm sure he won't give a damn. If it doesn't affect them in the field and their emotions or conflict or anything that comes with a relationship doesn't get in the way, then why should it matter?"

"Told you…" Reid said quietly.

"I had faith, okay?" She said irritably, crossing her arms and sitting back against the seat.

"JJ, you know the—"

"Yeah," She cut him off, "Don't worry, I'll just be miserable for the rest of my life because apparently that's all I'm allowed to be."

"I _do_ want you to be happy, and if Reid does that for you then I don't have a problem with it outside of work, it's inside that's the problem."

"But what if we don't act any different at work? I mean it's been happening since even before Emily left and you had no idea, so we can still be normal." JJ said.

"How about we wait to talk about this until we get home?"

"…Well does that mean we still have to hide it from the others?" Reid asked.

"No," I replied before Hotch could, because I knew he'd say something along the lines of "I would recommend it, just in case this doesn't go down how we want it to". "No, you should have fun tonight and not worry about what's happening or who's watching or about your secret. Don't even tell them, it'd be more entertaining to just show them." I smirked.

JJ smirked and laughed quietly, "Garcia and Savannah would attack me with questions and disbelief."

I nodded, "But then you don't answer any of it, Reid can just pull you away, and then it'll be even _more_ entertaining to watch them struggle with no answers."

"You're really cruel." Reid said, shaking his head.

I shrugged my shoulders and sat back. Hotch's hand had been on my knee and moved up my thigh slightly without him even realising. I adjusted myself slightly and took his hand quickly from my thigh and linked it with mine. I didn't need to start being driven insane too early; I wouldn't last the night if it all started now.


	49. Chapter 49

**Hey! So I know I've been away for quite a long time, but I just lost all motivation to write and I had updated all the chapter I already had. I'm slowly getting back into the swing of it, but now I'm struggling with year 12, and it's been really difficult. I'm sorry about the wait! I'll try my hardest to be better.**

 **-A xx**

 **Prentiss**

Reid and I weren't allowed to enter the main hall; we were instructed to go around the back and up a thin staircase that sat right inside the door of one of the back rooms. We were to stay upstairs with the other pairs here and wait; Reid and I were the sixth pair to be called out and presented. It went it alphabetical order by your last name, and there were five couples before us. I sat down on the furthest seats I could see away from everyone else, and Reid sat beside me. "Nervous?" He asked quietly.

"More than you'll ever know," I shook my head, "And of course I wasn't allowed to bring my phone or anything in my clutch up here with me. I had to leave it all with Hotch, so I have no distraction."

"Do your parents know yet?"

"I told my mother right before I came downstairs back at home; I didn't really give her a chance to have a real say on anything."

"So an argument is coming, then?" He looked at me.

"Oh boy, is it." I laughed quietly.

"…Can I ask you something?"

"Anything." I looked at him.

"Will you come back to Virginia after tonight?"

I bit my lip and shook my head, "I still haven't caught these guys, I still haven't brought Alex home."

"I don't want to make you angry or offend you, but what if you never catch them?" He whispered.

I bit my lip and looked down. I didn't even want to think about that; I needed to believe that I could. "…I will." I was assuring myself more than him, and I stood to grab two bottles of water from across the room. I took them and walked back to Reid, passed him a bottle, and sat back down. "How about you? Are you nervous?"

"Oh yeah, definitely. If I mess this up, your mother will quite possibly kill me."

I snickered, "Yeah, I wouldn't put it past her," I agreed. I sighed and dropped my head to his shoulder. I heard the man running the presentations tonight quieten the guest's downstairs and begin to welcome them and the explain how tonight would go. After about ten minutes, all the escorts were moved downstairs to wait at the bottom of the staircase for those who they were paired with tonight, and the showrunner announced the first escort, reading out his full name, his current career, and his ambitions. Then he read the same for the woman being presented as she descended the staircase. Most of these women were being escorted by husbands or boyfriends tonight, one had her brother, and only I and another had our best friend.

Without Reid here with me, I was filling fast with anxiety and fear, but I forced myself to not show it to anyone around. I took silent deep breaths and tried to slow my heart rate down. I had drunk a whole bottle of water already and some of Reid's that he had left behind but what I really needed was alcohol of any sort. I contemplated sneaking down and getting myself a glass of wine before I was called down that staircase, but I knew I wouldn't get away with it.

I sat and waited impatiently, fidgeting with my dress, my hair, trying to fix that one eyelash that looked slightly out of place when I looked in the mirror. Fake eyelashes had never been a good experience for me. Eventually, I was called out of the room and I waited at the top of the staircase as Reid was first presented. "Doctor Spencer Walter Reid. Doctor Reid is a current special agent of the FBI's Behavioural Analysis Unit, where he thoroughly enjoys his work and proving Agent Morgan incorrect. In the future, Doctor Reid wishes to devote all his spare time to his other half and her son, and he also aims to aid in the cure of schizophrenia." I smiled my myself as I listened to all of that; I was surprised my mother hadn't forced out the part about Morgan. "Doctor Spencer Walter Reid, escorting his best friend and our sixth presentee tonight: Miss Emily Elizabeth Prentiss." I took a deep breath as I began to decent the stairs and I came into the view of the guests quickly. I heard small gasps, I heard whistles, and I was almost certain that the loudest was Morgan. I ignored it all the best I could and kept my eyes on Reid. "Emily is a former agent of the FBI's Behavioural Analysis Unit, as well as London Interpol. She is now working independently on unsolved, cold cases. In the future, Emily aims to return to the BAU with her family, get married, and gift her parents with grandchildren." I snickered to myself quietly; of course my mother would write all of that down. "Miss Emily Elizabeth Prentiss." He smiled and winked when I reached the last few steps, and then at the same time, he was supposed to bow to me and I was supposed to curtsy to him, but as soon as my hand was in his, he spun me around and then we did the traditional bow before walking with our hands up and together to the chair that I was to sit in and Reid was to stand behind. He held my hand as I sat and he kissed the top before walking around and standing close behind me. We had to watch another six pairs be presented before anything else was to happen.

* * *

After all were presented, we were to go to the table where we were set to sit and every guest, presentee, and escort were met with a small entrée salad. I had begged my mother to let me drink anything with any percent of alcohol in it just to calm my nerves, but she wouldn't allow anything. She gave Reid and I water and that was all we were permitted. The others all had beer, wine, scotch, vodka, whatever they wanted.

I ate slowly and didn't finish the whole salad; I was way too nervous, I probably would have thrown it back up if I ate all of it. I needed JJ to assist me in the bathroom with my dress and she distracted me the best she could on our way back to the table. I sat down and smiled at Hotch as he looked back at me. I kissed him quickly and he did reciprocate, but not as much as he usually did. I gave him a questioning look and he motioned to my salad and spoke at a low volume so he wouldn't draw anyone else's attention except for Rossi, who was beside him and had obviously already spoken with him about it. "It was a small salad, why didn't you eat it all?" I looked between him and Rossi before I replied.

"Because I don't want to throw up everywhere, that's why. You _both_ need to stop worrying so much."

"You may have returned to a healthier weight…although I wouldn't say ideal…but that doesn't mean that you're eating right again."

"Aaron, I promise you that I am fine." I linked my hand in his. I glanced at Rossi and he nodded to tell me that he believed me, and then he turned his attention to Garcia at his other side.

To my right sat Hotch, Rossi, and then Garcia. Clyde and Sofia were across from Reid and I, and JJ was at Reid's left, followed by Savannah and Morgan. I didn't appreciate having Clyde right in front of me to look at, so since I had been sitting here I was either looking down, looking around the hall, or looking around the table to avoid looking at him too long.

"…Okay?" I asked once a few seconds had past and he hadn't said anything.

He nodded and then kissed me. He spoke once we parted, "How much do your feet hurt right now? Those heels look like they're killing you when you're not even walking."

"Oh, I am in _so_ much pain. But hey, beauty is pain, right?"

"I think that you're always beautiful whether you're in pain or not."

I smirked, "You're just trying to get lucky tonight."

"I was being genuine…" He leant over to whisper in my ear, "…But that too." He winked at me when he sat back up properly, and then the presenter spoke. He kept his hand intertwined with mine and dropped them to my knee under the table. The presenter announced that the first dances would begin and would be completed in the same order that we had been presented. Reid and I still had a bit of time to relax and just watch for a while.

We watched the first two couples perform their first dances that they had learnt. I wondered if they got to pick their songs of if it was decided for them like ours were. After watching their moves and how they travelled together around the dancefloor, my stomach felt sick and my heart started to race. My anxiety was rising fast.

"…They're all really good…" Reid said just quiet enough that only the people on our table would hear.

"Well shit," I shook my head, "May as well just not do it."

"If we don't do it, does that mean we get to drink?"

"I can guarantee you that they," I pointed to the next couple that was to perform their dance in a minute, "Have been drinking all night, she looks like she's having trouble balancing, and I saw two of the girls with wine before, so it's really just my mother making this rule for us."

"No offense, but—"

"I know, she's a bitch. I'm surprised you stuck it out, to be honest. Most guys would have run for the hills. Hell, _I_ wanted to run for the hills…"

He laughed at that, "Now that I have realised what you tolerated for so long when you were younger and now, you amaze me even more."

I snickered, "I wouldn't exactly say I _tolerated_ anything when I was younger. You don't become a bad kid for no reason."

"I thought you became a bad kid because Alex left." Clyde looked at me.

I glared at him, "Don't mention him tonight."

"Sorry, darling." He apologised with a smooth smirk that made me want to punch him.

"We have to get up in two more dances." Reid changed the subject quickly.

We watched the dances until the fifth couple was called up, and then Reid and I stood as they walked onto the dancefloor and stood where we were instructed to. My nerves were going crazy and Reid was holding my hand to try and ease some of it, although it wasn't much use. Once they finished their dance and the audience applauded, Reid squeezed my hand tightly and I walked around behind the dance floor and curtain to stay out of sight as I reached the other side of the dance floor. As the other couple left and went towards their table, the presenter began to introduce Reid and I back up to perform our first dance. I shook my head when my eyes met Reid's to tell him that I couldn't do this, but he nodded and motioned for me to take a deep breath. I was surprised that I seemed even more nervous than him; Reid had never really been the centre of attention, and certainly not in front of this many people. I had been the centre of many big events when I was younger; I should have felt calmer than I did.

As Ed Sheeran's 'Perfect' began to play, Reid and I stepped onto the dance floor at the same time but from opposite sides. I spun as we moved towards each other and once we met in the middle at the line "follow my lead", he held his hand up, I held mine to his, and we dropped them together slowly before I spun around at "I found a girl", and I curtsied to him on the que of "beautiful and sweet". When my eyes met his as I stood back up, my nerves settled a bit as I realised that I was with Reid, so it would all be fine. The rest of the dance seemed to fly by. It was a rather mainstream dance, our worst one of the three individual ones we would perform. It didn't feel impressive, it just felt outdone and boring. The only part that I thought wasn't boring was at the line "darling you look perfect tonight" when Reid dipped me as far as he could hold and I was stay there until the line died out and the music picked back up from where it dropped before the next line, and the only reason I didn't think that part was boring was because one, it was hard to hold that stance perfectly still and straight, and two, we heard people all around the large hall gasp or whistle. I had realised as I thought about it, that that particular move would have looked extremely intimate. All three of our dances required close and intimate moves that we had perfected as well as we could. The first time learning these moves Reid and I both felt slightly uncomfortable with the closeness and the image this would convey to an audience that didn't know us, but we got over it by the second time rehearsed. Sometimes we would make jokes about kissing in one of these moments or how JJ and Hotch would react to it.

Finally, the song was over and Reid bowed as I curtsied, my hand still in his between us, and we walked off the dance floor as the audience applauded us. It was strange to be in something like this again; something that had all eyes on you, an applause of three hundred people for you. It was uncomfortable for me to think about, all those people watching and judging me. I stopped thinking about it the best I could and Reid and I sat back down at the table where our team sat with large smiles.

"You two look like professionals up there and I'm not even overexaggerating." Garcia spoke first.

Reid and I looked at each other in doubt, "Uh…that was our worst dance. It was the most boring but strangely, the one we could never get right." Reid replied and looked at me for confirmation.

I nodded, "Who knew we could do complicated better than simple? Hmmm." I smirked.

"Everyone…" JJ commented smartly. The next dance started and we all watched it quietly, and the ones that followed.

* * *

Reid and I were up the front in everyone's view in all three group dances; we were the only two who hardly ever messed it up in group training. The other girls that were taking this seriously were highly offended that I, the one that everyone knew couldn't give a damn, got to be up the front. I personally couldn't see why you'd want to be; I certainly didn't want to be here, the anxiety of being up here in the first place was overwhelming, let alone being the centre front. The first group dance was to Christina Perri's 'A Thousand Years'. I liked the song, I didn't particularly like the dance. It was just slow, and Reid and I were much better at the faster dances; they were easier to keep in time with.

After the first group dance, the second individual dances were performed. Reid and I were much more relaxed this time around; this dance was more fun than the first. It was Dean Martin's 'Ain't That a Kick in the Head'. Reid had to dip me a lot more in this one, and I'd have to kick my foot out a few times. We received even better compliments from the team after that one, and then we had to do the seconds group dance. This time it was Bill Haley's 'Rock Around the Clock'. It was a progressive; each female followed the same cue to move onto the next male in the circle. It was pretty fun; better than the first dance, although Reid and I weren't thrilled with having to dance with people we didn't really know outside of the group trainings. I was uncomfortable with them but I hid it the best I could.

The presenter of the night had messed up the order of things and now we were doing two group dances in a row and we would finish our rehearsed dances on our last individual one. And so our last group dance performed was Elvis Presley's 'Jailhouse Rock'. This was the most fun of the dances we had done so far, but Reid and I were in agreement that our last individual dance was our favourite.

After the last group dance, Reid and I sat back down with the team. It was about eight o'clock now and there was a break for dinner before the last dances were performed. Reid and I only had a soda as we ate, and I made Hotch swap his chicken for my beef meal. Rossi treated us with a few stories about his ex-wives, Morgan told us an amusing story about Savannah and Garcia's drunken night at their place last week, JJ made fun of Reid. It was a good hour we spent not worrying about anything. Then after dinner, the final dances began. Reid and I watched with the team, whispering to each other whether we thought we were better or worse than the couple dancing. We figured worse than most, except for the couple that had clearly had just one too many drinks before the dances were over; they mustn't be taking this seriously either.

Eventually, Reid and I were up to do our last dance. Aerosmith's 'I don't Want to Miss a Thing' started to play and we started simple with the waltz, but as soon as the music picked up, so did the difficult dance moves; all of which we have perfected. Around the three-minute mark of the song was when the really impressive stuff started. He had lifted me spun me around briefly in the previous minutes of the song, but that was the big one, and following that was full of impressive moves that even I doubted we could pull off, but we did, nonetheless. By the end of the song, he had lifted my up and I had to slide down slowly until my hand was on the back of his neck and our lips were dangerously close. I smiled at how awkward I knew he'd feel, especially with JJ here. One the song finished, he let me down to my feet and with my left hand in his right hand, we faced the guests here tonight and he bowed and I curtsied, and then we made out way back off the floor as the hall erupted in whistles and applause. We sat back with the team and looked at each other when we saw their faces.

"I have never seen anything more beautiful than that dance." Garcia spoke first.

"I kind of freaked out at the end because I thought you were going to kiss or something but other then that, that was amazing." JJ said.

"Why would you freak out if they kissed?" Savannah asked, "Oh wait, because Em is with Hotch. Right."

"Oh, I don't think Hotch and I are what she's worried about…" I smirked, but I continued before anyone else could speak, "We can drink now; I'm going to the bar." I stood up and walked towards my mother quickly to leave JJ and Reid with the interrogations of their relationship.

* * *

 _"Our laughs? Limitless. Our memories? Countless. Our friendship? Endless." – Unknown._


	50. Chapter 50

**Prentiss**

I was at the bar far longer than I needed to be. After downing the two shots I ordered and receiving my martini and Reid's bourbon, all on my parent's tab, I was still stuck here. First it was a few girls a knew from my childhood, either children or high school, and then there were a few of my parent's friends, and now it was some middle-aged guy who tried mercilessly to get my number that I was never going to give to him. I had already told him twice that I was in a committed relationship and that I wasn't interested, but drunk men didn't give up that easily. Eventually, I saw Hotch approaching out the corner of my eye and I relaxed slightly.

"Hey sweetheart." He greeted me quietly, one of his hands sliding across my back to grip the opposite side of my waist. I looked up at him and he pressed a kiss to my lips. Once I looked back at the drunk guy, he walked away quickly. Hotch's hand dropped to my hip as I turned to face him, "Looked like you needed some help."

"Thank you."

He smiled and looked up towards the bar behind me where I assumed the bartender would have been, "Two beers and a classic martini please, on the Prentiss tab."

I smiled when he looked back at me, "I'm glad that you're all actually using the tab and not paying on your own. Who's the martini for?"

"Savannah."

"Are you sure she doesn't want a dirty martini? She prefers those…"

"I am not ordering a "dirty" martini, so she can deal with a classic."

I rolled my eyes and turned around. He smiled at me as he put the beers up, "Can we please make that a dirty martini? Thanks." I turned back around and his lips met mine again. "I love you."

"I love you too." He placed one more quick kiss on my lips, and then we took the drinks and made our way back to the table. I placed Reid's bourbon down in front of him and sat with my martini. Hotch gave the dirty martini to Savannah and passed a beer to Clyde, and kept one for himself.

I raised my eyebrows at Clyde, "You _never_ drink beer."

"Well I don't feel like scotch, bourbon, or gin."

"Whiskey?"

"Never."

"What? Whiskey is amazing."

"And yet you're drinking a _martini_."

I pouted, "Mother won't let me have anything else."

He raised his eyebrows, "You do realise that you _are_ a grown woman?"

I nodded, "Tell her that and let me know how it goes."

"And make sure you tell me when you're about to do that so that I can run." Reid nodded. I smirked and we high fived before we laughed. I looked around the hall briefly to see if there was anyone near us that I should either talk to or avoid, but a huge surprised smile spread on my lips as I saw someone approaching the table. I nudged Reid and motioned towards Gideon as I stood. I saw Reid's posture change immediately; his eyes were probably lighter than ever.

"Emily, who knew you'd ever be a part of something like this." Gideon smiled and kissed my cheek before we hugged.

"My mother did," I nodded, "and you're here because?"

"My girlfriend's daughter, Macie."

I nodded, "She's beautiful."

"You look stunning," He complimented, "are you back at work?"

I gave him a questioning look, "What do you mean?"

"Since the whole kidnapping thing…it was all over the news for months. Something was on about it last week; a photo of you and a guy here in London. The report said that you moved to "recover" or something like that. Load of bull."

I nodded, "Cruz, our newest section chief, wanted me stay out of public eye for two weeks afterwards. He didn't want the whole thing to blow up in the FBI's face, but of course I couldn't just stay inside the whole time." That was basically what I can done, but he didn't need to know that.

"I'm sorry that it all happened to you."

I smiled, "Thank you." I looked at Reid behind me and I stepped back towards where Hotch stood. Gideon smiled at Reid and Reid quickly moved to hug him tightly. I smiled as I watched and Hotch kissed my hair as his arm hug around my back for his hand to rest of my waist. I leant into him slightly and we watched as the team greeted him after Reid, and then Hotch shook his hand and hugged him briefly before returning to my side.

After we all talked with him for a while, Gideon noticed Clyde and Sophia and pointed out that Clyde was who I was with in the news report last week. He then asked if I was seeing Clyde, so I assumed he hadn't noticed how close I was standing to Hotch or his hand on my waist. I motioned to his hand and raised my eyebrows, "Most definitely not."

Gideon's eyes widened slightly, "I didn't even realise, and I never imagined you too together. I would have picked JJ and Hotch before you two."

"Well, guess again," JJ laughed quietly, "I much prefer the genius."

"…You two are together too?" He seemed to be very shocked by the news, "I'm assuming you two are," he motioned to Morgan and Savannah, "But don't tell me you two as well." He looked at Garcia and Rossi.

"God no." They both said in unison. They high fived after that and we all laughed.

"But is this not against the bureau rules?" He looked between Reid and JJ and Hotch and I.

"Well I'm not an FBI agent anymore so we're all fine, but JJ and Reid only really need Hotch's approval." I explained.

"To which I'm not so sure we have yet." JJ added quietly. Hotch glanced at her but he didn't say anything. I hated that he was actually thinking about it, actually considering if this was okay or not. Would he really say no? Would he really make them break up or one resign?

"And why aren't you back in the bureau yet?" Gideon looked at me again.

"Uh…a very long story, but I've been working my own case with Clyde here for a while. I can't really be a part of the FBI and work this one at the same time."

"Illegal, huh?" He smirked at me. I shrugged my shoulders and returned his smirk. After another few minutes, Gideon made his way back to Macie and her mother, and we all sat back down. We all spoke around the table for a while longer until the small desserts were brought out. There was cake and there was pudding, and in return of making Hotch swap our meals, he made me swap my cake for the pudding. I didn't eat much of it; I still wasn't used to eating several dishes yet.

After the dessert dishes were collected from all the tables, the elegant music that played while we ate changed to a genre that was more suitable to dance to. It didn't take long for guests to begin dancing with family, friends, and partners. After a few songs, Tim McGraw's 'My Little Girl' began to play and Rossi motioned for me to get up. I smiled and obeyed. I took his hand when he held it out to me and he spun me around once we were on the dance floor before he pulled me in to dance with him. I ended up leaving my hand over his shoulder and resting my chin on it as we dance.

"Emily?" He whispered.

"Hmm?" I hummed in reply.

"I need you to know that whatever happens with your brother, or with Aaron, or with whatever you need to do to finish this case we're working on, we will _always_ have your back."

"…Promise?"

"I promise."

"What if a lot of people lose their lives? And not just because of what I've done or will be doing; what if I _take_ a lot of lives?"

"Well I can't speak for the whole team, but I will always be here." He assured quietly. I lifted my head slightly to take my hand out from under my chin and I took my hand away from his other to hug him tightly. He kissed my hair and reciprocated the hug just as tightly. "I love you, tesoro."

"I love you too." I whispered.

Once the song was over, another started and Morgan swapped places with Rossi. This song was a bit more upbeat and Morgan took great pleasure in spinning me around. I smiled and we laughed as we danced, having more fun than anyone else of this dancefloor. It seemed that the rich were always too serious for fun. And after that song, I made Clyde come and dance with me. He wasn't too thrilled to begin with, but once I winked and spun around, he seemed to start enjoying himself. Once that song finished, we made our way back to the table of the team and I smiled at Hotch, "You'll dance with me soon?" I asked him quietly, standing behind him and dropping my chin to rest on his left shoulder.

"Of course." He smiled as he turned his head to the side. I pressed my lips to his and stood when I heard a throat clear behind me. I turned and saw my parents watching me.

"What are you doing?" My mother spoke almost harshly.

"What do you mean?"

"People are already talking about you here. They don't know whether you're with Spencer of Aaron." She continued.

"Well that's because rich people judge way too quickly without any reason to think what they assume." I nodded.

"You've been drinking already?" My father asked.

"I _am_ an adult…"

"Yes…but you don't hold very well on alcohol lately and we all know it."

"Okay, I'm fine, you can get off my back, go dance together or something. Have another drink." I rolled my eyes and turned. I sat down in my seat and ignored my lingering parents for a few seconds before they walked away.

* * *

The night was full of fun and laughter. I made Hotch dance with me to an extensive amount of songs. JJ, Garcia, Savannah, Sophia, and I all danced together to a few songs that we could move to, and Reid, Morgan, and Rossi danced only a few more times with me each. Clyde only did once more.

Once we got home though, everything was spinning and Hotch basically had to carry me inside. I didn't argue and try to stay up, I just let Hotch assist me upstairs. He took care in taking my dress off without risking a tear and he helped me put a shirt on. After that he made me go to bed, and I snuggled up as close as I could get to him.

I woke up this morning late and Hotch wasn't with me. It was cold and I hugged myself as I got up and went to the bathroom. I didn't feel too hungover, just a headache that I could probably ignore. I showered, washed all my makeup off, and washed me hair. I got changed into jeans, a singlet, and one of Hotch's sweaters. It was oversized and loose; warm and comfortable. I threw my hair up into a messy bun and walked downstairs. Sophia saw me as she walked out of the kitchen, and she smiled as she stopped, "I'll get you some coffee."

"Bless your soul." I said quietly. I walked into the living room where the team sat and I dropped down beside Hotch. I turned slightly and lay against him as he put his arm around me, "Whose idea was it to let me drink last night?"

"I told you not to." My mother shook her head.

"I wasn't talking to _you_. It's your fault I was even there last night."

"Did you not have fun?"

"…I'd rather not say," I looked at her. She went to speak but I held my hand up, " _So_ not in the state to have a conversation with you." Sophia came in and handed me a mug of coffee. I lifted my head and thanked her, sipped it, and then dropped my head back to Hotch. He kissed above my ear and ran his fingers softly up and down my arm. It was soothing and I closed my eyes to concentrate more on the touch.

I felt something hit me and I opened my eyes to see a file now beside my legs that Clyde had thrown at me. I looked at him and raised my eyebrows. "Another lead." He said quietly as he opened a different file.

I sighed and picked it up, "What time did you get up this morning?"

"Six."

"…And you're not at all feeling too hungover to take a bit of a break?"

He looked up at me, " _I'm_ trying to help your brother." The way he said it sounded as if he was accusing me of _not_ trying to help my brother. I glared at him and stood up with my coffee and the file.

I threw the file back to him, "Sort out your own shit." And then I walked down to the spare room where everything waited. I walked in and closed the door behind me hard. I turned the light on and lowered the blinds, and then I sat down at the desk in there and opened the top file from the pile that sat untouched.

I heard the door opened a second later and I didn't look to see who it was; I knew it would either be Hotch, Reid, or Clyde. "I didn't mean it like that." Clyde spoke quietly.

"Leave me alone."

"What the hell is wrong with you today?"

"Oh, you know, nothing. I'm just trying to start helping my brother."

"Emily." I knew he was rolling his eyes. I stood up and took the pile of files, a pen, and my coffee, and then I walked past him and back out. He followed behind me, "Emily, stop."

By the time we reached the living room, I turned and looked at him, "Get away from me." My tone was harsh; almost ferocious. I was sick of him always thinking that he was doing all the work; that I wasn't doing anything, or that I wasn't trying, or that I was just leaving it all for him.

"You're being dramatic."

"Talk to me one more time and I will shoot you."

"Jesus, when was the last time you got laid?"

I stopped and turned around again slowly, glaring at him. I set the files down on the table from where I stood near Rossi, but grabbed my hand before I even looked at Clyde again. "Stop it. He didn't mean it like that and you know he didn't."

"Then how did he mean it, Rossi?"

He raised his eyebrows, "Don't give me that kind of attitude, and stop overreacting."

I shook my head and shook him off, "I'm going for a walk." I took my phone from the coffee table where I had left it and walked towards the foyer.

"No, wait!" Garcia called out to me. I stopped at the door and turned as I saw her walk in behind me, "We leave tomorrow; we were kind of hoping you'd spend the day out with us? Shopping, lunch, you know?"

I sighed and nodded, "Yeah, okay."

She smiled, "Thanks." She walked back to the living room and I followed unwillingly.

"Back for round two already, are we?"

"Words cannot express how much I quite literally hate you. Like if it were just you, me, and Ian Doyle in a room and I only had one bullet, I would tell Doyle a heap of lies that would make him determined to kill you, and then I'd shoot myself, and leave him to torture you to great lengths before he killed you."

He raised his eyebrows, "Rough."

"Yeah, well you pissed me off."

"Emily, do not use that language in my house. Can I please have a word?" My mother spoke sternly.

"No." I shook my head and kept my back to her.

"Emily."

"Mother, he is not my boss anymore and even if he was," I turned around and looked at her, "I wouldn't give a fuck. So back off and let me handle my own, thank you."

"And what are you planning to do when you go back to Virginia? Because if he really means this much to you for you to act this way, then you're obviously going to go back. Where will you work? How will you make the unpredictable work hours work for you? What if you have children? Will you raise them with no father?"

I had been biting my tongue from yelling, but that last question crossed a line, "Stop. You can abuse _me_ all you want, but there is no way in hell I am going to stand here and let you talk complete bullshit about my partner or _anyone_ on this team." My voice sounded as harsh as I intended, and she looked slightly taken aback by the aggression.

"Agents do not make good parents." She spoke sternly and slowly to try and get her point across.

"You seem to have an irrational god complex, mother. You know that Aaron and JJ have kids, you know that Morgan will try one day, so what makes you think that I'm going to let you just attack them like this. No one here gives a fuck about what you think or who you are or what you do, mother, so back off. Anyone in this room right now, even Clyde, would make a better parent than you ever did." She was clearly intimidated by the way I was basically standing over her and offended by my words.

My father came in then and pulled me back, "Elizabeth, leave it." He said quietly. She turned and walked out, but my father stayed and looked at me. "Angel, all she's—"

"Stop calling me that! I'm not ten anymore!"

"She just wants what is best for you and her future grandchildren. She just doesn't see Agent Hotchner as a suitable—"

"Don't start." I cut him off and turned, walking around the couches to the other side, leaving the coffee table between my father and I so I wouldn't hit him. "Just walk away." I watched as he sighed and turned, following in the direction that my mother had disappeared to. I sighed and felt my shoulders slump slightly, "Sorry." I apologised to my team quietly. I glanced at Hotch and he smiled at me weakly before he stood and walked out. I looked down and shook my head to myself as I closed my eyes.

* * *

" _When I get disrespected, I get disrespectful." – Unknown_


	51. Chapter 51

**Prentiss**

The day out with the team was full of fun and laughter. I ignored my headache the best I could until it subsided. I drank water at lunch when the others had wine or beer, and I bought a lot more outfits and shoes than I probably should have. I stayed close to Hotch's side all day and he was happy to accommodate my presence. My hand was linked in his for half the day and we shared a lot of playful kisses that often left JJ, Garcia, and Savannah either saying "aww" immediately upon witnessing the affection, or telling me how cute it was later when I found myself away from Hotch for a few minutes.

We had dinner at home with my parents tonight, and the team had been lured away by my father to see a large piece of artwork he had in his office, so I stood in the living room on my own nursing a glass of wine. I looked over all the picture frames hanging on the walls and sitting on tables. I walked in front of the fireplace slowly, viewing the picture frames perched on there. I jumped when I heard Morgan's voice behind me, "Hey."

I turned and looked at him with a smile, "Hey, not interested in the painting?"

"Not really my thing…or Hotch's, or JJ's, but those two felt too rude to leave."

I nodded, "My father tends to make people feel that way."

"Well," He approached me and took the wine from my hand. He placed it on top of the fireplace before hugging me. I questioned myself silently on what brought this on, but I returned the hug willingly. "We love you; you know that, right?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah, I do." I moved my head slightly to lean into him more.

"When you finish this, when you do whatever it is that you need to end it, just know that none of us are going to turn our backs on you, and we'll be waiting for you to come home."

"Well I'm going to ask you the same thing that I asked Rossi. What if a lot of people lose their lives because of me? What if I take them?"

"…Then we'll know that you did what you had to, and we won't think anything of it."

"Thank you." I whispered as tears stung my eyes. Just as a few fell, the team entered the living room again. Morgan and I parted and I wiped my cheeks of the tears. Hotch tilted his head slightly as if to question why I was crying, and he approached me. He wiped a tear from my cheek and kissed my hair. Looking at them all now, I couldn't believe that they were leaving again; that I might not see any of them for a long while.

Just as I leaned into Hotch and went to speak to them, Clyde rushed in quickly, "Sorry to interrupt, but look at this." I stood up properly at Hotch's side and opened the file. Papers with his writing all over them were throughout the file of a man who had been high on our suspect list until we ruled him out. I read through it all as quickly as I could while still fully understanding the information, and my eyes widened as the realisation hit me. "It's him. We got him."

"…What if we're wrong? We had already ruled him out." I looked at him in front of me.

"If we happen to be wrong then we could potentially be killing dozens of innocent people. Are you sure you want to do this?"

I hesitated and my eyes shifted before I nodded, "Mhmm." I hummed quietly, because I knew that my voice wouldn't work. I couldn't believe we had solved it. If we raided and we were successful, I could see Alex again. He could come home, my parents would have their son back, I would have my brother.

"Well let's raid," He smirked, "Go get changed."

I nodded and Hotch took the file from me. He opened it as I turned and walked towards the staircase quickly. I glanced at the large window that looked into the living room when a bright light shone through, and then I glanced at the team behind me and saw the small red dots, some moving on the wall, one moving across Rossi and then back to his chest. My eyes widened, "DOWN! GET DOWN!" I yelled at them. They all took half a second to react, but they dropped at the same time I did, and that's when the bullets rained into my parents living room. I covered my ears tightly as the gunshots continued; it still gave me an instant headache. I clenched my eyes shut until I heard the bullets stop, and then once I knew they wouldn't continue, I opened my eyes and looked up. "Everyone okay?" I asked immediately. I waited until I heard eight different positive replies, and then my eyes widened again, "Sofia!? Mum!? Daddy!?"

"I'm okay." I heard Sofia's voice from what sounded like the next room, although she was clearly terrified and crying. I stood quickly and ran up the staircase.

"Emily!" Clyde tried to stop me.

"Mum!?" I called out again.

"We're okay, angel. We're here." I heard my father reply. I ran to their room where I heard his voice travel from and let out a breath.

"Get to the basement. Now." All that was in the basement was a heap of old antique or unwanted furniture, a large piano that has been broken for years, and behind all of it hid a panic room that I had forced my parents to install as soon as I started to see the horrors of the world. "Take Sofia, Savannah, and Garcia with you." They both nodded and left with me a step ahead. Once we reached the bottom of the staircase though, I saw them all, Sofia, Savannah, and Garcia included, all being held still by several men wearing all black. I stopped in my tracks. "Go back up. Call Interpol." I said to my parents quietly, handing them my phone from my pocket behind me. My mother took it as she and my father ran back up the staircase.

"Interpol, my dear, will do you no good right now." A man said as he walked into the centre of the living room.

I looked at him, "Keep Clyde and I, let the others go; they have nothing to do with this."

"They became a very big part of this the moment they started looking into it. The big guy had a meeting with Perez, the smart kid and the techy have been texting each other a lot and those texts made it very clear who was involved in this and how close you're all getting," He took his gun and pointed it at me, "Let's go."

I bit my tongue and supressed the panic rising inside of me. I took the last step down to the living room floor and two men walked to me and went to restrain me. At the last minute, I roundhouse kicked one and punched the other away from me. Others that weren't holding a team member moved towards me. I took a step back and glanced at my gun on the coffee table.

"Okay, I guess I'll have to force you into then." He said with a sigh. He moved the gun that was once aimed at me, to aim at Reid.

My eyes widened as he cocked it quickly and his finger sat on the trigger. "Okay! Okay." I stepped forwards again and two men grabbed my arms. I looked at Hotch before they pushed me forwards and out of the house. Once we reached outside, I felt a sharp pain to my head a moment before everything went black.

* * *

I woke to hear echoing footsteps, quiet sobs, and a quiet sound of long nails drumming against a hard surface. I felt a warmth under my head right next to the intense pain that I felt in one particular spot. When I finally decided to sit up and open my eyes, I realised where I was. I had been lying on the ground with my head resting in Hotch's lap with the rest of the team around me, but we were all in a large cage that occupied only about a quarter of the large room. The corners of the room where dark, and two dim lights lit the cage and the space of a large part of the room on the other side of the cage.

"Hey, how's your head?" Hotch asked me quietly. The footsteps stopped and I glanced up to see JJ looking at me. I assumed the steps were hers; she was probably pacing because she looked stressed. The nails had been Savannah's and Garcia had been sobbing.

"Painful. What happened?"

"You don't remember?" He looked more concerned now.

"Refresh my memory?" I asked him quietly. I watched him hesitate and I waited patiently. He started to recount the night starting from the file that Clyde gave me, and as soon as he started, I began to remember. "Stop, stop." I cut him off before he could bring up the bullets into the living room. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"Calm down." He whispered.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for getting you all into this mess."

"We got ourselves into it, princess. This isn't your fault." Morgan assured.

"Well now we're all dead. I hope you all enjoyed the last week of your lives." Clyde sounded almost relaxed.

"Shut up." I snapped at him.

"Well we wouldn't even be here if you didn't—"

"Don't you dare and try and blame me for this shit right now, Clyde," I glared at him; my voice was aggressive and I assumed my eyes were too, "There are a million things I could say to blame you right now, too."

"Maybe if you hadn't have spent the whole week playing, we would have found them before they found us…" He murmured.

I stood up quickly and I ignored the dizzy spell that almost overwhelmed me. I approached him as he took a half a step back, but Morgan stopped me and pushed me back. Hotch stood and held me with him. "Stop Emily." He demanded quietly as I tried to fight out of his hold.

"I'm not your enemy here, darling. You need to save your fight for when they come back in here."

"Say one more fucking word and I will—"

"Stop!" Reid cut me off with his exclamation. I took a breath and pushed Hotch away from me as I turned around and walked to the other side of the cage, keeping my back to Clyde. I massaged my temple briefly before my hand brushed over the back of my head where the pain still throbbed heavily. I paced back and forth slowly with my arms crossed tightly over my chest; it was freezing in here.

Garcia approached me slowly after a short while and cleared her throat. I took a deep breath and looked at her, waiting for her to say something. "…I'm scared."

I smiled comfortingly, "Pen, I promise you that I am going to do everything I can to keep them away from you; all of you."

"And how do you expect to do that?" JJ asked quietly as she joined us. Savannah walked over too.

"Clyde and I will think of something. Just don't worry about it; sit down and…I don't know…try to calm down and warm up?"

"My god, it's freezing." Savannah said quietly. I nodded in agreement. She turned and walked back to Morgan quickly. She sat back down beside him and moved as close to his side as she could. He put his arm around her and tried to warm her up a bit. JJ walked to Reid where he stood across the cage and leant into him as he hugged her, and Garcia looked at me again. I winked at her and she sighed as she turned. She walked over to Rossi and sat with him. He put his arm around her and she lay her head on his shoulder.

I stood in the opposite corner, as far from them as I could get, and Hotch and Clyde approached me. "What's your plan?" Clyde asked quietly.

I shook my head and looked down, "I don't have one. Not yet, anyway."

"Do you know who we're dealing with?" Hotch asked.

"Well we haven't actually seen him yet, but I'm assuming he is who all these people are working for. He was on our suspect list before he ruled him out but I guess we were wrong. His name is Shaun Carmody." Clyde looked at him.

"We don't even know if it's him." I shook my head again.

"Who else would it be?"

I don't know why he was irritating me so much right now, "Plenty of people, Clyde. Go away." He rolled his eyes and walked back to the other side of the cage where he was previously.

"You're panicking." Hotch whispered low enough that no one else would hear.

"Well when your whole family is trapped in a cage with murderers around, it's kind of hard not to panic. Where are my parents? Or Sophia?"

"They didn't bring them; apparently they weren't worth it because they weren't involved. They think that they don't know anything, so I guess your father is a very discreet man."

I nodded, "That he is," I looked up at Hotch and bit my lip lightly, "…Aaron, if I don't—"

"No, don't," He cut me off, "You're going to make it through this; we all are. People will know we're missing, your father knows who took us." That last comment hit me. My father. My mother and father have lost another child. Granted, I am nowhere near the child they ever wanted or would necessarily value like they did Alex, but I'm still their other child. Both children are now gone. Tears stung my eyes and I looked down as I tried to blink them away, but he lifted my head back up with a finger under my chin. "What's wrong?" He asked softly.

I shook my head, "Alex is probably dead somewhere, never to be seen again, spoken to again, by my parents. And as if it wasn't enough that their favourite and most valued child is now gone, their second one has now been taken and will be killed too. I may not be the daughter they ever wanted, but I am still their child, and now I'm going to be gone just like Alex."

"No you're not, and we don't know Alex's state. He could be fine, he could be in Russia or Singapore or wherever he is right now."

I shook my head and looked into his eyes, "Please promise me that when you get out of here, you make sure my parents know that I am sorry for everything I ever did, and I am sorry for how this all happened, and that I do actually love them. Promise me."

"You can tell them—"

"Aaron, I am going to die in here." I cut him off and my voice wasn't down anymore. I saw the whole team looking at me from behind Hotch. I took a silent breath to calm myself down, "I know it, you know it, they know it," I motioned to the team, "So please, please promise me. Tell my parents, and tell Jack about Haley more, and if he ever asks, tell him about how we met or how you made me smile and laugh and how you lit up my world. Tell him that there is such thing as second chances, and tell him that I love him. Please, Aaron."

He hesitated and I could tell this promise was painful for him; I suppose it was similar to Haley's before Foyet shot her, "I promise." He kissed me then and I relished the feeling of his lips on mine for what could quite possibly be the last time. "I love you."

"I love you too." I kissed him again before I pulled away and hugged him. He held me tightly to him and I closed my eyes at the feeling of love and comfort. I'd miss that, but then again, I couldn't miss anything when I was dead. The team would be in pain, but I wouldn't feel a thing.

* * *

" _How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." – Winnie the Pooh._


	52. Chapter 52

**Prentiss**

Hours had passed; Savannah and Garcia slept for a short while. Morgan, Reid, Rossi, and Clyde tried to formulate plans to get us out of here, JJ and Hotch spoke quietly about me, and I continued to pace back and forth slowly. I knew that someone would be coming sooner or later, and I knew that we were being watched somehow, so I refused to let myself lose it again or become emotional or even let my guard down at all.

Eventually, I heard the heavy door unlock and open. Four men walked in, all with large guns. I heard a buzz and the cage door opened slightly as they aimed their guns in. "Emily, come out." I heard a voice speak over something almost like an intercom system. I hesitated before I walked forwards.

Hotch grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him and away from the cage door. I looked at him, "Aaron, you need to trust me." I said to him quietly. He didn't want to let go and I could see the fear in his eyes; the fear that they would just kill me right now in front of him. I gave him a small reassuring smile and pulled away when I felt his hand loosen. I stepped out of the cage and one of the armed men moved forwards quickly, but he walked past me. He closed the cage door and I heard the buzz again; I assumed to lock it again. All four men moved to stand in front of me as I stood with the cage to my right.

"Who knows? Who will know about your absence?" The man furthest to right side asked. I recognised the voice but I couldn't place a face or name to it. I looked at him more directly and my eyes narrowed as I thought. He uncocked his gun and slung it over his shoulder before taking a handgun from his ankle. He took out five of six bullets before turning the cylinder quickly. He held it close my head, aimed to the centre of my forehead. I took a silent deep breath to keep myself calm. "Who?" He asked again.

"I know you." I took the chance. He pulled the trigger and I was lucky for the chamber to be empty, but I didn't even flinch; I didn't even close my eyes. I could see Hotch panicking out the corner of my eye but I ignored it the best I could.

He held it again to point to the same place, "Who knows?"

I shook my head, "Irish, you have the tattoo, you clearly worked for Doyle…but when did we cross paths?"

He almost smirked, "Emily, you met me several times, particularly when the whole family was together." I realised immediately, then.

I closed my eyes, "Connor…"

"You killed my brother; I'm only here to return the favour…and maybe make your life a bit harder to live, maybe without a boyfriend or a best friend."

I shook my head, "He was a terrorist-turned-murderer. You're not like him, Connor. I know that you never wanted to be apart of anything that he was about, anything that he represented."

"I didn't, but then you killed him; It's only fair that I get revenge." He pulled the trigger again, and again I was lucky enough for that chamber to be empty too. But once again, I hadn't even blinked.

"Enough." The male voice over the speaker said. Connor lowered his gun and he and the other men walked out of the room quickly, closing the door behind him. "Emily, we're going to play a little game," I heard a loud clatter behind me and I turned to see a gun on the ground. "Take the gun." I didn't move. "Trust me, Emily; you're going to need it." I gave in and picked it up quickly. I released the cylinder from the revolver to ensure that it was loaded. It only had six chambers; a typical one. I walked back to the centre of the room and waited, the gun already cocked.

"Emily…" Clyde said quietly. I looked at him and waited for him to continue. "Be careful."

"Now you have two choices; you can risk using the gun now and having nothing later…or you can run." As he said run, something behind me moved and I turned around to see two small doors open in the wall. Inside of these holes were two dogs, teeth bared and growling aggressively. They looked majorly underfed and abused; there was no doubt that they would rip me to shreds. I took a few slow steps back and panicked.

"Run." JJ said quietly.

"The door is open." The man over the speaker told me. The dogs were barking and approaching me. I kept walking back slowly and I lifted my gun to aim at the closer one, but I couldn't do it. I lowered it as I cursed to myself and I kept walking back to the door. I found the handle behind me and pulled it open. I turned quickly and ran as fast as I could. I could hear them barrelling after me, barking and growling and ready to attack me.

The fear of the dogs grew when I heard another bark from another direction; how many did they have out in these dark halls that resembled a big, impossible maze. I turned corners, I had no time to stop and decide whether to continue straight, go left, or go right, and so I just guessed and prayed to god that no more dogs were coming from the direction that I ran. After a while I was getting too tired to keep running, but the dogs were determined. There were five behind me. I went to turn right at one intersection of paths but then I saw a sixth dog that way, so I went left instead and saw an open door with a dull light. I ran in and closed it behind me quickly, and I saw that I was back in with the team, where I had begun. I held the door closed as the dogs pushed on it and barked.

"Did you shoot any of them?" Garcia asked me once the barks began to die down. I slid down the door to sit against it and shook my head. "Are you okay?" I shook my head again and closed my eyes. I sat forwards and dropped my head to rest on my knees.

"Did they get you?" JJ asked. I shook my head again and took a few deep breaths, trying to both get my breath back and calm down. After a minute or so, I lifted my head and stood back up. I tucked the gun into my waistband and brushed my hair back.

"…What's it like out there?" Clyde asked quietly.

I shook my head, "A huge, impossible maze of halls."

"How'd you find your way back?"

"I got lucky."

* * *

About ten minutes had passed before I heard the quiet buzz and the cage door open again. "Agent Easter." The voice said over the speaker. The others didn't dare move as Clyde slowly walked towards the door and stepped out. It fell closed behind him and the buzz signalled the lock again.

After a few minutes of silence while we all waited to hear him speak to Clyde, I decided to break it. "Why did he let you out and not give you instructions at all?"

"I don't know." He shook his head.

"I swear to god, if you are at all involved in this and betrayed my trust, I _will_ kill you."

"Relax, darling. If I wanted to kill you I would have done it when I first came into your parent's home to help out. I wouldn't have waited and I wouldn't make it such a big deal. I know you hate me right now and I know that you will probably never stop hating me, but right now you need to remember that I am on your side here. You need to remember everything we did before JTF and how we work together to achieve it."

"No."

"Emily—"

"I'm not doing it again."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Not a valid reason."

"Because I was a monster!"

He nodded, "And you're afraid that if you do it all again then your brain will click back to autopilot and you won't come back out."

"I almost didn't last time."

"Last time you didn't have a family to come back to. Last time you thought that being emotionless and cruel was better than being nothing because you were so numb and alone compared to the state you're in now. It's different now; now you have your family," He motioned to the team, "You have meaning in your life. If worst comes to worst, I'll mention Jack and Henry, you'll come straight back for them."

"Turning into that means that I have to stop feeling, Clyde." To the team it would have sounded like I was some supernatural shapeshifter or something alike.

"Someone fill us in here?" JJ asked.

"Emily and I had also worked together previous to JTF-12. Much like the CIA, no one is supposed to know what we were, but this is even more dangerous compared to the knowledge you already have."

"Assassins. We were basically assassins," I said it quickly, not letting him ease into telling them like he did often when he wanted to tell a story or when he was revealing something he shouldn't. "Except it wasn't like the movies, it isn't like we wore all black and used nunchucks and moved around so stealthily that we were always unseen. We were just trained specifically to kill efficiently and professionally. In our defence, we were still working for London's government."

"So what do you mean by "turn into" someone else?" JJ asked quietly. She sounded almost afraid.

"In our extensive training in hand-to-hand combat and shooting, stabbing, whatever the method was, we were also trained to turn off anything inside of us that could prevent us from completing a hit. Almost like a switch, we'd just stop caring, stop feeling any sort of emotion that could put us off. We basically learnt to detach ourselves from our own personalities and morals." I looked at them, all silent and staring at me. I could see the anger and hurt burning in Hotch's eyes. "But once you detach yourself the way we're taught, it's _really_ hard to come back and be who you were. It takes a part of you every time, and occasionally there will be a few "agents" that can't return to themselves. They usually disappear into thin air, never seen again."

"Those ones are executed before they build up any sort of reason to kill someone that they're not supposed to. We stayed strictly to the lists and we always required a valid reason. The people we hit were dangerous," He looked back at me, "Now that they know, can you do it?"

"No." I didn't even think twice about it; the last time I ever "switched", it was the last hit I did before leaving that organisation. "Emotions are what make people human, and what shape your morals. I am never doing that again."

"Are you at least able to use the other skills?"

"Yes."

"Guilt free?"

"No."

"Will you hesitate and risk our safety?"

"Maybe." I stared at him with stern eyes to show that I wasn't going to give in. He snickered and turned away as he shook his head. He wanted to yell at me, he was angry and frustrated and I could easily tell that; you didn't even need to be a profiler to see it.

"How much more of your life are we unaware of?" Hotch asked almost desperately.

I sighed and looked at him, "Honestly, there isn't much more." He looked away and turned his back to me as he walked to the back of the cell he was stuck in. He stood against the brick wall and looked down.

I heard the door unlock then; I didn't even know that had locked it again since I got back. Clyde and I looked at each other for a second before we both looked at the door as it opened. Four men came in, all with guns pointed at us. I didn't dare pull the one tucked into my waistband out. "You, get back in." One said as he motioned to the cage with his gun. The quiet buzz sounded once again, and I walked to the cage slowly before he pulled the door for me and I walked back into it. He closed it and the buzz sounded immediately. They told Clyde to go with them and he left the room with four guns trained on him. I sighed to myself as I calmed down slightly and I looked at JJ where she stood with Reid to my right.

"I'm sorry." I whispered to her.

She glanced towards Hotch across the cage, "I don't think it's me who's feeling the most upset about not knowing you right now."

I nodded and looked at him behind me to my left. I took a breath before I walked over to him slowly and stood in front of him. The team kind of turned away, trying to give as much privacy as possible in the limited space we had here. "…I'm not proud of it, okay? And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, but I couldn't."

"How am I supposed to love you if I don't even know you?"

"You do know me; you know me better than anyone else, even better than I know myself. It just the little things that I can't speak about that—"

"Little things? You killed people, Emily!"

"I told you from the beginning that there were things about me that you couldn't know and wouldn't want to know, I told you that. But what I used to do doesn't define me now, Aaron. I'm still me, I'm just a bit experienced in more fields than you first anticipated."

"You killed people! You didn't even know why you were killing them. Did you ask questions or did you not care?"

"Of course I cared. We always had a valid reason before we went ahead, but none of it really matters once you turn it all off. I hate myself for it, but I was doing what I had to do to stay in the game, to survive. I can't just go back and change it now, no matter how much I want to."

"Remind me why we don't keep secrets." He said quieter.

"Because we fight and we question everything we have. We have a rule. If you want to call it quits, you can." I lowered my voice at the last sentence.

"I don't want to call it quits, I just want you to tell me things."

"I promise you that after all of this, if we happen to get out of here, I will tell you absolutely everything. I will recount my life from start to present and I won't leave a single thing out, even if it's something I'm not supposed to tell anyone. I promise."

"…Do I really know you? Honestly?"

I nodded without hesitating, "Yes. I'm still me." I stepped towards him and kissed him gently. He returned it and hung his arms to rest of my hips. "I love you."

"I love you too." He kissed me again and I went to speak before I heard Clyde's searing scream. I turned around instinctively and I began to panic inside. I was trapped in this cage and someone who was trying to help me out was being tortured, and I couldn't do anything about it. I ran my hands through my hair and Hotch pulled me back around to look at him. "Ignore it, block it out."

Tears stung my eyes and I tried to blink them away, "What have I done?" I asked quietly.

"You haven't done anything wrong, sweetheart," He pulled me into him and I relaxed slightly in the tightness and protectiveness of his arms around me. I retuned his hug and closed my eyes as I tried not to listen to Clyde's screams. He spoke to me quietly to either try and distract me or give me something else to listen to, but it wasn't much use.

After a while, I couldn't hear him screaming anymore. I moved to stand to Hotch's side, although I was still glued to him with my arms around his waist. He ran his fingers up and down my arm gently to try and calm me down. The door unlocked and I watched as two men dragged Clyde in and dropped him in the centre of the room before they walked back out. He looked very weak and he had a lot of blood over him.

"Em." He tried to speak but it didn't come out further than a pained whisper, but I still heard him. He pulled himself over towards the cage and I ran over and dropped to the ground to his level. "Here." He struggled to speak and move, but he managed to take a gun from his waistband and slid it to me. I manoeuvred my hand to fit between the bars and took the gun. I got it back through the cage and pushed the chamber out to check for ammunition. It was loaded.

"Where'd you get it?" I asked as I looked behind me and held it out to Morgan. He took it and tucked it into the back of his jeans.

"Took it from one of their ankles while they were kicking me," He pulled himself up to sit against the cage and let out the breath he had been holding in. He lifted his shirt and I could tell some of his ribs were broken, as was his nose. His face was already bruising bad and had drying blood across it.

"Why were you screaming?" I asked quietly. He turned slightly and lifted his shirt more; there were lots of small cuts and what looked like an electrical burn. "Oh my god! They electrocuted you?"

Savannah stood from where she had been sitting against the wall and kneeled at my side as she looked at Clyde's burn. "Looks pretty bad; if you don't get proper treatment very soon then it'll get infected and the results could be fatal. For now," She took her sweater off and handed it through the cage, "Wrap it the best you can; I can rewrap it properly when you're back in here."

He obeyed her silently and tried to tie the sweater around him to cover the burn. I stood up and brushed my hair back as I shook my head and tears filled my eyes. I went back to Hotch and leant into him, burying my head into his chest as he put his arms back around me tightly.


	53. Chapter 53

**Prentiss**

Hours past before the door unlocked and opened again. Savannah and JJ had been sleeping for a while and I prayed the door wouldn't wake them; they could at least have a little time with no worrying and no fear. The buzz sounded and I saw Morgan reposition himself subtly to have easy access to the gun I had handed him. Clyde still sat on the other side of the cage, I was sitting beside Hotch on the ground, and the others were sitting throughout the cage. "Emily, come out. Wake up the blonde and bring her."

I stood up with a sigh and Hotch stood too. He grabbed my wrist to stop me and I looked at him. One of them pointed a gun at him and raised his eyebrows. I kissed Hotch's cheek and he let go unwillingly. "Leave her out of this." I said quietly as I walked out of the cage door, motioning to JJ.

"No, we have orders; she's coming." He banged his gun against the cage loudly and she and Savannah both startled awake. Garcia held Savannah's hand so she wouldn't freak too much and Reid already had his arm around JJ. "You, up." He said to JJ. She looked at Reid briefly before she stood and followed me out of the cage.

One of them went to grab JJ's arm but I stood in his way, caught his hand, and twisted his arm back. Another two moved quickly and took both my arms to pull me back. The kneed me hard in the stomach and dropped to me the ground before adding a few more kicks. I rolled over and coughed a few times. I closed my eyes and brushed my hand over my ribs as they ached. I heard the sound of chains and I heard JJ groan in pain as they sounded like they slid against metal. I felt two of them pull me up to my feet and I opened my eyes to see JJ suspended across from me. My eyes widened and they lifted my hands to cuff them. I tried to struggle and fight back but the punched my stomach hard and I gave in. After I was suspended across from JJ, two of them dragged Clyde into the cage and the four of them left the room as the cage door locked again.

A few seconds of silence passed before I spoke, "Well shit."

"Owwww." JJ complained as she dropped her head back.

"Your arms and shoulders will numb soon," I assured quietly, "You've been in this situation before."

"Still hurts just as much."

I looked up and observed the chain that was linked through a hook on the roof above me and then I followed the chain to where it strayed out to the wall, wrapped around another hook to keep me suspended. I looked at JJ's as well and it was the same setup. A short while of silence passed; none of us knew exactly what to say. My arms were beginning to numb as my shoulders continued to ache badly. The door unlocked and opened again and the same four men came back in. I saw JJ start to panic. "Jayje, look at me."

She shook her head as she heard their footsteps approach her and one pulled a knife out of his jacket. He circled her slowly before he glanced at me and then stood in front of her, his back to me. She still stared at me. He held the bottom of her shirt and quickly ran the blade through from the bottom to the top, cutting the front from her. He slowly ran the side of the blade from her cleavage to the bottom of her stomach, and then across her stomach from one side to the other in line with her belly button. "Please don't." She whispered quietly. I could hear the utter terror in her voice.

"It won't hurt much." He nodded.

"No…no!" She screamed the second he held the blade close to her skin, but he pulled back and looked at her. "Anywhere but there."

"…You're pregnant." He concluded the same as I had. I sobbed quietly as I dropped my head down, not being able to hold it back after that. She and Reid could lose their baby because of me. "Well that makes things a bit more interesting."

"Touch her and I will rip you to pieces." I said as I lifted my head again.

"Boss?" He asked loudly as he stared at me. His boss's voice sounded over the speaker.

"Let the blonde down; we don't want to take a baby's life if we don't need to," He said easily, "Just do twice as much to Emily."

"What about the other two?"

"The doctor wouldn't have done anything to be here other than be intimate with one of the agents. The other is only a computer whiz."

" _Only_?" Garcia asked quietly in an offended tone.

One of the other men walked to the wall where JJ's chain was tied and he unwound it from the hook before sliding it out as she lowered to the ground softly. At least they had the decency not to hurt someone who had done absolutely nothing to provoke them. They unlatched the cuffs from JJ's wrists and pushed her back to the cage as it buzzed open. She went to Reid immediately and he pushed her slightly behind him, but still kept her close enough to hold her.

"You, you almost ruined us." The one with the knife spoke as he walked towards me slowly.

"I got that close, huh?"

"Well, you're going to pay for it now."

"Wonderful." I said quietly as I looked down. I looked back up when I heard the door open again and someone brought in two cases before walking back out. I watched as two of the men already in here left and the other two put their guns down on a small table in the corner opposite me. I looked at the first case as he opened it and saw all the kinds of knifes contained in it. He put the one he was holding into an empty space of the case. "Jesus." I closed my eyes and took a silent deep breath.

"We can either start with the knifes or I can bring a bamboo stick in; take your pick. While it might not sound like it, the stick is actually very painful. Leaves welts, cuts, scars." He spoke quietly as he moved the knifes around into a new order in the case. "What'll it be?"

"You're going to use both eventually, right? So why let me choose?"

He smirked and nodded as he walked over with one of the knives, "You know, it's a damn shame you won't ever get to see your boyfriend's son again; you were very good for him."

"How long were you watching me, exactly?" I hadn't seen Jack since I came to London.

"Oh, we only started when we realised that you were looking for Alex again. We know that you're good for Jack because we have him, and he obliged to tell us everything he knew about you as soon as we brought the knives out. Henry couldn't tell us as much, obviously because he's a lot younger and you don't live with him, but he shared what he could."

I shook my head and blinked my tears back, "You don't have them."

"Yes, Emily, we do."

"You son of a bitch!" JJ yelled at him as she pushed past Reid and hit the bars hard. I saw tears on her cheeks and Reid pulled her back again as the other guy approached the cage.

The one that had been doing all the talking with me quickly turned the knife around in his hand before ripping it up my shirt and pulled it off me. He cut the sleeves so it would fall and I held my breath as he circled me slowly. I watched him as he came back to face me, but closed my eyes as he quickly slid it across my stomach. I let my breath out slowly so that I wouldn't react and I opened my eyes to look at him again. "I'm not going to get much a reaction from these, am I?" I just stared back at him, but I had to swallow hard to keep it together. He nodded and turned, "Alright, bring in the bamboo stick and take these out, leave the other case." He put the knife back in and closed the case quickly before holding it out to the other guy. He took it and left, and a moment later brought in a long bamboo stick.

"Dan." He said quietly as he handed the stick over. He then left and only 'Dan' remained now. He walked around behind me slowly and I heard his footsteps stop. Only a second past before I felt the stick strike my back hard. I let out a quick, quiet sound of pain. I didn't think it'd hurt as much as it did. After a few seconds, I held my breath as he struck me again, this time capable of containing my cries of pain. He hit me six more times before he walked back around and looked at me. I had only a few tears that had leaked from my eyes from the pain, but I think I had controlled most of my reaction well.

"Well, Emily, you don't seem to be as strong as you look."

"You're not going to antagonise me or break me." I said quietly.

"Tell me, what was your choice of drug as a teenager?" He asked as he threw the stick towards the door and walked over to the closed case that still sat on a table across the room.

"Why?" I asked quietly.

He snickered, "Don't worry about it, I already know that it was heroin." He spoke as he unlocked the case and opened it. I saw six syringes and he took one out, already prepared as he pushed the plunger slightly to make sure the air was out. I took a deep breath as he walked over to me slowly.

"What do I have to do for you to not give that to me?" I asked quietly.

He smirked, "Why? Afraid a little relapse addiction will come your way? Because we'll be using it more than once in your stay here, so that is a possibility." He stood straight as he tied a belt around my arm quickly and pulled it tight enough before flicking the inside of my arm to try and make a vein stand out more, and then he inserted and injected it slowly. I closed my eyes as I felt the liquid enter my arm. The familiarity of it scared me. I opened my eyes again and looked at him as he watched me. After half a minute or so, I felt the euphoria rush over me and my eyes fell shut as I dropped my head down and sighed to myself quietly. "You enjoy that for a while." He said quietly before I heard the door open and close.

* * *

After about five hours, I had been injected with more heroin and then they had let me down and put me back into the cage for the night. I had stayed lying in one position against Hotch for hours before the drugs wore off. "How are you feeling?" He asked me quietly.

"I'm coming down." I whispered. He kissed my hair and I felt loved, but I knew that the only things he was thinking about were how we were going to get out of here or where Jack was and if he was okay. He probably didn't give a damn about how I was feeling at all. Savannah walked over quietly and sat at my side before feeling my pulse to ensure my heart rate wasn't abnormal. "I'm okay." I assured her.

"I'm just making sure." She looked at me before standing and making her way back to Morgan, sitting close to his side.

I turned my head and looked up at Hotch, "Would you still love me if I was addicted?"

He didn't hesitate or second guess his reply, "Always." He voice was confident and reassuring.

"Okay good, because he's only given it to me twice and I already want more."

"We'll get through it." He kissed my hair again and I closed my eyes, relieved that he would rather help me than leave me if I struggled after this. If I even got out of this. "I love you."

I smiled up at him, "I love you too." I kissed him softly.

The door unlocked after another hour and three men came in, all standing at the other side of the room and facing the cage with guns at the ready. I heard the buzz and we waited for the voice to sound over the speaker. "Emily, exit the cage." He ordered. I sighed to myself and Hotch squeezed my hand tightly before letting go as I stood. I walked to the cage door and pushed it open as I walked out. "Choose one other member in that cage."

"Why?"

"Choose."

"What am I choosing them for?"

"Just choose or I'll choose for you."

"Are you planning on hurting—"

"Emily! Pick someone!" He cut me off aggressively. I panicked and shook my head.

"Fine, I'll ask for a volunteer. If no one does then—"

"Me. I will." Morgan spoke quickly as he left Savannah's side. She moved quickly towards Hotch and stood behind him. JJ was glued to Reid's side, Rossi was already standing in front of Garcia and Clyde was standing leaning against the cage on his own. I saw Hotch shake his head and run his hand through his hair in stress. He would have rathered be out here than anyone else.

"No." I said to him quietly.

"Relax. I know how to detach myself too, remember?" He said as it buzzed again and he walked through.

"We're going to play a game. The two of you will be given free reign; all my men will be told to leave you be. You have fifteen minutes to search the facility for Jack and Henry. If you find them by then, you can bring them back here with you to their parents. If you don't, then you'll both come back here and no one will see the two boys again. That screen on the wall above my men," We looked at the screen he was referring to as it turned on, "will show four different cameras at a time and will follow you through the facility so your team can watch."

I looked at Morgan beside me and shook my head, "I can't. I haven't slept, and I'm not high anymore but I'm so tired and weak." I spoke to him quiet enough that no one else would hear.

"You can do this. We'll split up, it'll be quicker. We have free reign, there shouldn't be any confrontation. We can do it." He assured quietly. I took a breath and nodded quickly as I looked down.

"Split up; you'll cover more ground quicker." Clyde said.

"No, don't split up; that's too dangerous." JJ disagreed.

"Clyde's right," Morgan looked at them, "We only have fifteen minutes and we don't know how big this place is. We'll have more of a chance if we split." He turned back to look at me and I nodded. I glanced at JJ as she shook her head and buried her face into Reid's chest. I looked at Hotch then; he looked overly worried.

"Your time will start in ten, nine, eight…" He began to count down. The three men walked to the door and opened it, standing silently as they waited. Morgan looked at me as he said go, and I took a deep breath before I nodded and we both walked out, cautious of the three men watching us as we passed them.

We ran down the hall and stopped at an intersection. Left, right, or straight. "For fucks sake."

"Go left, I'll go right." He said quickly. I hesitated before obeying as he ran down the hall to the right.

I ran down the left and stopped at another intersection and I saw two men walking the halls. They saw me and stopped momentarily before they moved to one side and watched me as I decided to turn right. I contemplated looking around for Alex, too, but Jack and Henry were more important; I wouldn't waste the time I didn't have to look for a third person. I turned at a guess and tried doors when I past them. I knew time was passing fast and I began to panic as I stopped and pushed my hair back with both hands as I looked at yet another intersection between halls. Just when I was about to turn right again, I heard something. A voice, a sound, something I couldn't quite make out, but it must have come from the door straight ahead of me. I ran to the door and tried to open it, only to find it locked. I stepped back before I took a deep breath and kicked it hard, breaking the lock as the door swung open harshly. I dropped to my knees after a second and Henry realised it was me. He ran to me quickly and threw his arms around me, tears streaming down his cheeks and his breath uneven. "Emmy." He said quietly.

"It's okay, baby. I'm here, you're okay," I waited for him to part first and I looked at him, "Are you hurt? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay." He nodded.

I nodded, "Okay, let's go find Jack and Morgan and then we'll head back to mummy." I picked him up as he lifted his arms and I held him to me tightly as I walked back out quickly and looked for another room anywhere nearby. "Have you seen Jack?"

"Not for a long time; since we got here."

"Okay, well listen out carefully for him. Can you do that for me?"

"Yeah."

I turned left and looked down the walls for doors as I walked. After what felt like too long, I was trying my hardest to stay calm for Henry, and then I heard Morgan calling my name. I walked quicker around the corner where I heard his voice from, "Jack, Morgan." I said in a relieved voice; we had both of them. They both turned and Jack ran to me. I shifted Henry to one side and hugged Jack at my other, leaning down to kiss his hair as I did. Henry reached for Morgan and he took him from my arms as we ran with the intent of returning to the room, although we were rather lost. Jack stayed latched to my side, his hand in mine; he was terrified.

Once we finally found the room, I entered first to make sure no one was in there, followed by the two boys, and then Morgan. Henry ran straight to the cage where JJ sat up at the front, holding his hand through the bars, Reid at her side.

I turned Jack around quickly to face me, "Are you okay?" I asked him as I looked over him briefly.

"I'm fine," he nodded before he initiated another hug. I held him to me until he let go and then I motioned to Hotch. He turned and ran to the cage to stand in front of Hotch.

I turned to my side and looked at Morgan. He smirked and held his closed fist out. I held mine against his for a few seconds before he grabbed my wrist gently and pulled me to him. I hugged him and closed my eyes, letting my body relax now that I felt safer with him out of the cage and capable of doing something. I fell into him more and I realised how tired I was. He caught me and walked with me towards the wall opposite the door and near the cage, and he made me sit down. He crouched in front of me and looked in my eyes, "You're exhausted. Get some sleep; I'll wake you if I have to go back into the cage, okay?"

I shook my head, "I'm okay." Every time I blinked my eyes felt heavier.

"Emily, please get some sleep?" He was almost begging. I sighed in defeat and nodded. I sat in the most comfortable position I could considering the cold, hard walls and ground, not to mention the injuries I had sustained since arriving here. The welts on my back felt like they were burning and throbbing, but I tried to ignore it the best I could. This was hell, and I honestly didn't even mind the thought of dying at the moment; I have had enough.


	54. Chapter 54

**Prentiss**

I woke up to the pain of being dragged across the floor by my hair. I lifted my hand to try and ease some of the pain as my roots pulled. He took both of my hands quickly and cuffed one, hooked the chain connecting them through a hook on the wall just above my head, and then cuffed my other hand. He then bent the hook back to the wall so that I wouldn't be able to take the chain from it. "Just tell me whether he's alive or not." I whispered.

"Oh yeah, he's alive." He smirked at me before walking back out, closing the door behind him. Morgan was again in the cage, along with Jack and Henry. I looked above me and moved my hands to see how much leeway the cuffs would supply, and it wasn't much at all. I heard the door open again and a new face walked in. He carried the same case that held the heroin in it, but he carried a cattle prod in his other hand. I swallowed hard and pulled myself up to sit straight against the wall with my knees up to my chest.

He sat down in front of me and left the case sitting closed, "How much do your parents and Interpol know?" He asked.

I shook my head, "Nothing." He turned the prod on and repeated his question. "They don't know anything." I said with more confidence.

"See, I don't believe that," he shook his head before poking me with the prod at the highest setting it would allow. It hurt like hell and I cried out as I tried to pull my leg up even closer to me to escape the prod. "Now I'll ask you again before I hold this against your skin for an extended amount of time, and if I have to do that and it doesn't work, I'll put in inside of you. Now won't that be unbearable? How much do they know?"

I closed my eyes and took a breath as I shook my head. He pressed the prod to my arm and held it there. A few tears escaped me and I held my breath to try and keep my cries in. I heard Henry and Jack crying and I refused to let myself cry any more than I already had. After he took it off my skin, he asked again. "How much do they know?" I looked at him but I stayed silent as I took a few deep breaths. He raised his eyebrows, "Okay then." He began to unbutton and pull my pants down, but I gave up quickly.

"Okay! Okay," He stopped and looked at me, awaiting an answer, "My father knows everything that I do, and Interpol probably knows more, although I can't give you a definite on that because I don't work there anymore, nor did I have the connections during this case to access files or information in their possession."

He titled his head as he switched the prod off, "Now that wasn't so hard, was it? I'll have to go now to find your father, but I'll give you a shot first, if you want it." He offered, opening the case with the syringe in it. I swallowed and looked at it.

"No, she doesn't." Hotch answered for me.

He didn't take his eyes off me, "I think she can speak for herself, don't you, Agent Hotchner?" I looked between him and Hotch before I shook my head, but then I looked at the needle again and bit my lip.

"You do want it." He concluded as he picked the syringe up and squeezed the air out. He found a vein rather quickly and injected the liquid into my arm. I closed my eyes and dropped my head back to rest against the wall as I felt it enter my arm. He left afterwards and I already felt the heroin begin to take effect.

"Is she okay, mummy?" I heard Henry ask quietly.

"…She will be, because she's strong," She looked at me as I opened my eyes, "Aren't you, Emily?" I managed a nod in reply before the euphoria overcame me.

* * *

"Please stop." I heard Garcia ask desperately as I woke and felt a hand working at the button and zip on my pants again. The light hurt my eyes when I opened them and I shut them again quickly as I shook my head.

"Get your hands off her." I heard Hotch say quietly yet menacingly.

"Jack, turn back around. Block your ears." Rossi spoke then.

"Good morning, beautiful. You woke quicker this time around. Maybe we should up your dose next time."

I coughed, "What do you want from me?"

"Right now? I just want you to enjoy yourself."

I closed my eyes again as they filled with tears and I felt my pants be pulled down. I tried to move my hands to defend myself but they were still cuffed to the hook in the wall. I was in unbelievable pain that seemed like it'd never end. I tried to keep my cries in as much as I could for the team's sake, but it wouldn't have helped much anyways; they knew exactly what was happening, but I also knew that none of them would be looking in this direction at all for my sake.

After what seemed like a lifetime, I was left with a constant, intense ache between my legs and my underwear and pants were pulled back up. He stood up from between my legs and removed a key from his pocket. He unlocked the cuffs surrounding my wrists and dragged me by my hair to the middle of the room. I groaned in pain. After dropping me back to the ground, he kept beating my down; landing blow after blow into my head and kick after kick to my abdomen. Then he left, and I stay motionless on the ground.

A half hour must had passed before I worked up enough strength to sit up, and then stand. I was shaky and in tremendous amounts of pain, but I was sure I could ignore it for now. I finally spared a look to my team, but I realised there was one person less in that cage. "…Where's Clyde?" I limped slightly as I walked back across the room to where I had been previously cuffed and grabbed the gun that had fallen when my pants were removed; he mustn't have seen it. I tucked it back into my waistband.

JJ shook her head, "They beat him up a bit and took him away when you were still out from the heroin."

"Are you okay?" Reid asked quietly. I gave him an obvious look; I clearly wasn't. He nodded and looked down. I heard the door unlock and open and I turned away as I took a deep breath. Then it closed again and I heard footsteps stop a safe distance away from me.

I finally turned and saw Clyde standing across from me "Where'd you go? What happened to you?"

"You look like you've had a rough morning."

"Why are you avoiding my questions?" I questioned. He bit his lip and looked away, and my suspicions were confirmed. I shook my head and laughed to myself, "I fucking knew it. Tell me, have you been on the inside the _whole_ time we've been on this case, or did they offer you mercy for your loyalty?"

"I started this on your side."

"But not now, no, because killing seven innocent adults, one being pregnant, and two children, is all worth it if it spares _your_ life."

"All I'm going to say is, you'd want to start watching yourself very carefully or your days will be very limited. Also, Agent Morgan, I'm going to need that gun."

"No, you're not going to need that gun." I said as I approached him quickly, ignoring my pain the best I could. I punched him hard across his cheek, and then I kept punching until the skin on my knuckles began to split. By then, he was on the ground and unsuccessfully fighting back, and I continually kicked him as hard as I could in his abdomen and head, my hands on the wall in front of me to keep me balanced.

"Emily! You're going to kill him! Stop!" I heard Savannah almost beg and I knew she was crying.

"I don't care." I said before kicking him one last time, as hard as I could. Then I pulled him up the best I could and pinned him against the wall, but he fought back then. He pushed me back before punching me hard, although he was still off-balance. I blocked his next punch and roundhouse kicked him.

He coughed as he stood back up straighter and faced me, "For someone who was just raped and beaten up, you're pretty strong."

"Yeah, well you made me mad." I said quickly before punching him again. I stopped abruptly when I heard the door open again and Clyde took the chance to push me back and pin me against the wall. His hand gripped my throat and I began to struggle to breathe.

"Clyde, enough. It's time." The man who I thought was behind all of this, Shaun Carmody, stepped in behind two armed men. Clyde dropped me then and walked back, leaving the room with one last glance at me as I sat on the ground from where I had fell, still trying to breathe enough air to satisfy my lung's needs. I coughed a few times as I used the wall to assist me to stand, and I looked at Carmody. "Emily." He greeted me.

"Shaun." I stood straight and glared at him. He approached me and stood directly in front of me, towering over me, no doubt trying to intimidate me. I didn't stand down or even think of taking a half a step back; I kept my glare on him.

"We need to leave London – your father saw to it that every cop, detective, and civilian in England knew my face, as well as a dozen of my men – so we're giving you a way out of here," The cage buzzed and the armed men moved to open the door before they motioned for my family to exit the cage. Morgan went first, his hand ready to take the gun from his waistband if he needed it, and then the others followed. "These are the most important people in your life, yes?"

My eyes narrowed, "Now what good would come from me answering that question?"

"We're giving you a choice; your team, their children, and you can all leave this place alive and unharmed…for the most part, or you can take the second option, which would only spare the lives of you and two others." He turned and looked towards the door.

"Em." I heard an unfamiliar man speak my name with pain threaded through his voice as two men dragged him in. He was bloodied, bruised, and had clearly been tortured.

"…Alex." I breathed. Clyde was then pushed in by another two-armed men and stood beside Alex, who had since been dropped to the ground. He was too weak to stand. I looked at Carmody as I walked around him slowly and then I ran to drop by Alex's side. He pulled me into him immediately and I hugged him tightly as tears dripped from my eyes.

"You've grown right up." He smiled at me weakly as we parted.

"Twenty plus years will do that." I laughed through my tears.

"Okay, nice reunion. Now you have a choice to make, Emily." Carmody pulled me to my feet and away from Alex. "So you either walk out of here with your team, or you walk out of here with Clyde and your brother."

I turned and looked at Carmody with horror across my face, "You want me to choose between my family and my brother?" I ignored the fact that my brother should also be considered my family, not sorted into a separate category.

"Precisely. Whoever you don't choose will be executed quickly; they won't feel a thing."

I shook my head, "No, just kill me and let them all go."

"Not an option."

"I am _not_ choosing." I shook my head again and turned away to walk towards the back wall. I stood against in and stared at Carmody.

"If you don't choose then I'll just kill them all and you know I will." He shrugged his shoulders casually.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked him quietly.

"You shouldn't have hidden him, you shouldn't have refused to release any information that we needed, and you shouldn't have started looking again. I thought Blackman would have been a clear warning to stand down."

"…Em, come on," Alex said quietly. I looked at him, "Almost twenty-two years; I haven't seen you or mum or dad in so long."

I shook my head, "I can't choose."

"You're going to have to." Carmody spoke again. I bit my lip and he walked backwards towards my team slowly as he took a gun from his waistband. He lifted it enough to aim directly at JJ's stomach and she took in a sharp breath. I figured he was bluffing, but then he cocked it and placed his finger over the trigger.

"Stop! Okay, okay!" He uncocked the gun slowly and winked at JJ before walking back towards me. I took a deep breath and looked at Alex as I shook my head, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Tears stung my eyes.

"No Emily; don't choose them over me. We're family; we share the same blood."

"I'm so sorry, Alex. If it went my way you would be coming out with us."

"Ouch." Clyde said quietly. I glared at him and then looked back to Alex as my features softened.

"Is that your final decision?" Carmody asked as he cocked his gun again and walked towards Clyde and Alex.

"No." Alex pleaded.

Tears streamed down my face as I nodded, "Yes." I saw Hotch and JJ both turn Jack and Henry around and block their ears as they held them close to them, and I spun around quickly as I closed my eyes and bit my lip. The two gunshots made me cry harder.

"Leave, go before I change my mind." Carmody spoke again.

I turned slowly and sobbed as I saw their lifeless bodies lying on the ground beside each other. Hotch had pushed Jack to Rossi and came to me quickly. He took my hand and pulled gently, "Come on, Em; they can't be brought back now, so let's go."

"No." I sobbed again as I pulled away from him.

"Emily, please?" I heard Jack beg through tears, "Please come on? I can't lose you too; I already lost my mum." He was crying so much when I looked at him, and I realised that I needed to get him and Henry out fast. I nodded and walked passed Alex and Clyde's corpses slowly as they all left the room, and I followed behind them, although slower as my body seemed to almost refuse to move.

Reid dropped back to my side and stopped me from walking as the others stopped worriedly, and he hugged me tightly. I didn't return it, nor did I react at all. I was staring at the wall behind him, feeling nothing but the overwhelming guilt and regret of just killing my brother; hell, even killing Clyde. He pulled me along gently as they walked quickly to get out, but then we were stopped by four armed men. I snapped back to reality quickly and turned around with Reid when we heard footsteps behind us.

"Hey, I made the decision; that was all you said you wanted, so let them leave."

"I just forgot to tell you that there was an endgame to this…literally. My men have _not_ been told to leave you be, but rather to shoot on sight…so I hope the guns you have accumulated here are loaded." He smirked.

I shook my head and punched him hard. He mustn't have expected it, because he stumbled back and I took his gun from his waistband. Reid kicked the man that had been beside Carmody and took his gun too. Morgan took the one he still had from his waistband. I gave the gun to Rossi and took the one from my waistband. JJ picked Henry up and stuck by Reid as he moved back to her side, and Jack stayed between Hotch and Rossi. Morgan and JJ had beaten up the men that had stopped us while I was punching Carmody, and they started moving again, this time with much more caution. I stopped and ran back to Carmody as he rolled over slowly, coughing. I saw the bag over his shoulder before, and I quickly took it from him before running back to the team. I opened it and looked to see what was in it; more ammunition and a few grenades. I zipped it back up and threw it over my shoulder as I walked to the front of my team and cocked my gun. Morgan and I moved at the front of our team. We turned corner after corner, only shooting every so often; there wasn't people at every turn. However, when we turned one this time, there was a lot of gunfire as soon as we walked into view. Morgan jumped back to be blocked by the wall, whereas my arm was shot and I fell to the ground. Morgan pulled me back and sat me against the wall. I unzipped the bag quickly and ignored the pain in my arm just like I had continued to ignore the pain in the rest of my body. "Block your ears, boys. Tightly." I said quietly to Henry and Jack, just loud enough for them to hear me over the yelling and gunfire. I pulled the pin and threw it around the corner before blocking my ears, as did the others.

We kept moving after that and I ignored the number running through my head. It rose higher every time I took another life here. Eventually, we found an exit sign and followed it. We rounded the last corner and a bullet was shot straight away, Carmody of course. It was aimed right for JJ and I didn't think twice before jumping in front of her. It tore through the flesh of my abdomen and I took in a sharp breath as Morgan and Rossi shot Carmody. There were a few seconds where I just stood motionless in shock, and then my vision went blurry and dark as I fell backwards. JJ caught me and lay me down slowly as I blanked out completely.


	55. Chapter 55

**Prentiss**

I could hear his sweet voice when I woke up; the one that made me smile in the morning, appreciate what I had during the day, and sent those good shivers down my spine at night. I opened my eyes slowly and saw him talking on the phone, standing near the door of the hospital room. Hospital. I was in a hospital and realising this made me extremely anxious. "Aaron?" I asked quietly. I saw him look at me quickly and say he had to go before he hung up and approached me slowly.

"How are you feeling?"

"So sore." I shook my head.

He nodded and I could see the helpless, guilty look in his eyes, "Anything less would be worrying. Do you remember everything that happened?"

I nodded, "Yeah, up until falling from the shot in my stomach."

He squeezed my hand that he had since began holding and he looked down towards my stomach, "You're going to be okay, though. You're going to have to take it very easy, but you'll be okay. You're okay."

A small smile spread on my lips, "Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that more than me…"

He smiled at me and placed a soft kiss against my lips, and I returned it quickly. He traced around my lips with his thumb for a second before gently pulling my bottom lip down from my top, "I need to go; Jack is still so shaken up and being in London without me around at the moment is very overwhelming for him," He kissed me once more before he stood, "Hey," He turned around and looked at me. I waited silently for him to continue. He hesitated before he walked back and spoke quickly, "Marry me?"

My mouth dropped open at his words and a second or two passed before I replied in disbelief, "What?"

"Marry me, Emily."

I struggled for words, so I settled with a shake of my head while I tried to get the words to leave my mouth, "You did not just ask me that. That is not your proposal."

"Why not?"

"Because Aaron, it should be…perfect. There should be a thousand red roses and two dozen candles and a nicer setting than a hospital room, and there should be so much thought put into how you ask the question and which way is the right way, and I should be able to jump into your arms with joy and kiss and hug you. Here, we're in a plain hospital room with an annoying constant beep and I can't get up, nor can I think clearly and I probably won't remember it to the exact detail. I won't be able to do that here; I'm still drugged up and I mean…I just killed my own brother. I don't think there's anything I'm going to remember more than that from this situation."

He nodded, "Okay, okay. But it's not a no?"

"No, it's not a no, but it's not a yes either."

He nodded, "I need to go to Jack, but I will be back here as soon as possible, and we can talk about the…brother comment," He leant down and kissed me once more, "I love you." He vowed as he walked backwards and out of the room.

I hadn't wanted him to leave; I didn't want to be alone and I wanted to keep hearing his voice. I wanted to ask about the team and make sure they were okay and find out when I could get out of here. A nurse came in then and began to check all my vitals. I sat quietly and answered her questions shortly. "You were very lucky." She nodded before she walked out and told me to get some rest.

Instead of obeying, I saw my phone beside me and I picked it up quickly. I called Rossi and he picked up quickly, "I'm about two doors down from your room." He hung up straight away and I put my phone back down. "Hey." He greeted me quietly as he walked in with Savannah and Morgan.

"Lucky. The nurse said I was lucky. I almost lost my whole family and I killed both my oldest friend and my own brother, but I was lucky. I was beaten and raped and shot, but I was lucky." Rossi shook his head as he approached me and set his coffee down on the table beside my bed. I leaned into him as he pulled me into a tight hug, and I felt safe again. Tears streamed down my face and I heard Morgan and Savannah leave as quietly as they could. I eventually convinced him to lie on the bed with me and I fell asleep while crying into his shirt after a while. He was patient, loving, empathic.

* * *

Four long days in the hospital and the whole time I had refused to talk about the events with anyone after I woke up with Rossi beside me that evening. I slept mostly, and when I wasn't sleeping, I was telling Hotch how much I loved him, or the team how much I loved them or how sorry I was, or telling Jack and Henry that I loved them, too.

I walked back into my parent's mansion behind everyone else except for Hotch, who's hand was linked in mine casually. The place looked like it had never been shot up, but it also looked messy for my parents; like it hadn't been cleaned or dusted in a week.

"…Mother?" I called out as we entered the living room and my parents weren't present. She and my father walked down the staircase quickly, both dressed for some function. "Where are you going?"

"Out for a party, you wouldn't like it; too many politicians. We'll probably be back rather late; we're on clean up, so if you leave for America tonight, have a safe flight." She spoke quickly and wouldn't look at me as she walked past. My father followed her without a word and she grabbed her bag as they walked towards the foyer.

"You could at least tell me you hate me for killing him instead of being like that." I called after them.

My mother stopped and turned around, my father following suit behind her. "What do you want me to say, Emily?" She asked harshly.

"What did you want me to do?"

"Killing him would not have been your only option."

"It was, Ambassador. I assure you that if there was any way to save your son and Clyde, we would have done it." Hotch defended me, seeing the tears in my eyes.

"…Clyde? You killed him too?" My father looked at me.

I hesitated and looked at Hotch at my side. He shook his head, telling me not to inform them of his betrayal; they did love him as a son and they should remember him that way. "I'm sorry." I said to them quietly as a few tears dripped from my eyes.

"I want you and all your things out of my house by the time we return." My father glared at me and the two of them left quickly.

I turned and looked at the team, and all of them looked lost on what to say, but still very sympathetic. I looked down as more tears welled in my eyes and I made my way to the staircase quickly before any of them would see it. I ran up them quickly and I knew Hotch was following me. I closed the door to my bedroom before he reached it and sat on the ground against it as I cried. They hated me because I killed their son, my brother. But what was I supposed to do? Let my family die? My best friends, brothers, father figure, boyfriend, and the two children who made my world? How could I live with myself after losing all the people I loved, but then how could I live with myself now that I was the reason for my brother's death?

I locked the door at the handle above me and then got up. I walked into the ensuite and looked at myself in the mirror as tears continued to stream down my face. I opened the bottom drawer beside the basin and took out the bottles of medications I had in there. There were some prescription bottles from when I was younger still there; those were the ones that after I had recovered from whatever illness or pain I had, I took them just to take the pain of my teenage years away. Then there were painkillers that you could get over the counter.

I heard the knock on my door in the next room and I listened carefully. "Em, sweetheart, come on, open the door." Hotch spoke rather quietly, but I could still hear him. I stayed silent and stared at all the medications in front of me. If I had long enough for it to take effect before someone knocked that door down, I'm sure there'd be enough here. "Emily, please?" He asked again. His voice sounded desperate, almost pained. I dropped my head into my hands as I sobbed. What would he do if I died in here tonight? That would be the second love he had that died right in front of him. And Jack, I remembered what he had said when we were leaving that warehouse of hell. He said he couldn't lose me too, and that meant a lot to me. I walked out of the ensuite and unlocked the bedroom door as he knocked a third time and I opened it before pulling him in. I pulled him with me towards the ensuite. "What are you doing?" He asked quietly.

"Take these." I picked up several bottles and gave them to him. He gave me a serious look as he took them. "Take them somewhere that I can't find them. And when we go home I need you to take anything I could hurt myself with and take those too. And you need to keep reminding me that heroin is only going to make everything worse than it already is." I watched as he sat all the medications down slowly on the side of the bathtub. "What are you doing?"

He took my hands and pulled me into the bedroom and to the bed. He made me sit and he crouched in front of me, his hands holding mine on my knees, "Emily, you did the right thing and you know you did. Your parents are grieving over the loss; they're not thinking clearly right now. They _will_ forgive you; you just need to give them some time, and you need to grieve too." He spoke calmly.

" _I'm_ not going to forgive me." I whispered.

"Why?"

"Because I killed my own brother and I killed—"

"And if you hadn't, I wouldn't be here right now, and neither would JJ, Rossi, Garcia, or Savannah. Morgan, Reid, Henry, Jack; you'd never see any of us again. You chose nine lives over two; that is exactly what you are trained to do."

"…I should have fought harder."

"You fought harder than any of us would have expected. You kept going, you didn't back down. We're so proud of you. _I_ am so proud of you."

"But I should have—"

"Stop. You're never going to come to terms with any of it if you keep telling yourself that what you did was wrong. There was nothing else you could have done."

I looked down and bit my lip to keep my rising sobs in. As badly as I wanted to believe his words, all I could think was that I should have done more and that I really needed a high. I didn't even know how I overcame all of this when I was a teenager. Right now, it didn't even feel like something I was even remotely willing to do. I dropped his hands and stood up quickly. I got my suitcase and bags out from under the bed and started putting as much of my things into them that I could.

"Emily—"

"Just let me pack and think on my own, please?" I cut him off harshly.

He sighed and walked into the ensuite, took the medications, and left my room quietly. Tears fell freely as I fell to the ground and dropped the shirt I had been holding. I pulled myself to the wall, sat against it, and held my knees to my chest as I sobbed. The wound on my stomach throbbed badly but I welcomed the pain right now, as I had been doing since I woke up in the hospital.

* * *

I had packed what I could in my bags and I carried the three of them downstairs, one at a time, not being able to carry too much weight after the shot to my stomach. The team all had theirs packed a while ago and they looked ready to go. As I brought my last one down, Hotch took two of mine and his before following the team out. Only Rossi waited for me to move from the bottom of the staircase. He hugged me after a few seconds and I fell into him and closed my eyes.

"We love you."

"I hate myself." I sobbed. He hushed and tightened his arms around me. He ran soothing circles around my back until my sobs calmed down and I was breathing evenly again. "Can I stay with you just for a few days when we get back?" I asked him quietly.

He gave me a questioning look, "You can _always_ stay with me, but may I ask why you wouldn't want to be with Aaron?"

"No, you may not ask." I allowed a small smile to spread on my face as he rolled his eyes. He put his arm around me and we walked out slowly as he took my third bag. I just didn't want to be continually told that it was my only option and that he loved me and that I did the right thing. I wanted peace and quiet to grieve on my own for a few days and I knew Rossi would grant me that if I asked. If I asked Hotch for that, he would just become more suspicious and not leave me alone. Plus, there was Jack; I'm sure he'd need some time to settle back home and relax a bit after his kidnapping and seeing all that he did, but he could also get rather loud around the house and I wouldn't be able to deal with that right now. I loved the boy to bits, much like I did his father, but I still needed to be by myself, even if it were only two or three days.


	56. Chapter 56

**Prentiss**

After the third day of my silence at Rossi's, I lay in the bedroom closest to his that I was instructed to stay in, and I was crying again like I had been since we got to Virginia…and before that, too. Hotch had been calling me every day, to which the calls were always left unanswered. He learnt quickly to call Rossi for an update when I didn't pick up. JJ and Garcia had both tried to call me as well, but I ignored their calls too. The only calls I had answered were one of Morgan's and two of Reid's, to which I left them with the same "I'm fine" line when they asked how I was.

Tonight though, as I lay in the bed that I had only left to shower and use the bathroom since I've been here, I heard a knock on the front door downstairs. I listened as Rossi greeted the visitor and closed my eyes when I heard Hotch's voice reply. I knew Rossi would have told him where I was, and I heard his footsteps on the staircase not five seconds later. I sank lower into the bed, lying on my side, and I threw the blankets over my head.

He knocked lightly and opened the door, "Emily, sweetheart?"

"Please go home?" I spoke quietly and held my sobs and tears in as I spoke. My voice was still slightly shaky even with the lowered volume and I knew he would have noticed. There were a few seconds of silence before I heard quiet movement, and then I felt his weight on the side of the bed. He pulled the blanket away from my face and tilted his head. Seeing him made me realise how much I had missed him, but I didn't have the energy to hug him, so I lay still and looked at him with tears still on my cheeks. "Why are you here?"

"Because I miss you," He leant down and pressed a kiss to my temple before wiping my tears from my cheeks, "Jack misses you too, but I didn't let him come because I know that all you want is a quiet place to be alone."

"I do miss him…and you." I watched as his hand found mine and he linked his fingers through mine.

"Come home with me?"

I shook my head, "I can't, not right now. I'm…I'm not okay…"

"I know you're not, and I understand why you're not, but I want to help you and I can't do that when you're here. Please? Try tonight and tomorrow and if you still really don't want to be there, I'll bring you back here. Deal?"

I closed my eyes and gave up on fighting him. I sat up as I nodded and put my arms around him. He returned my hug and held me tightly. I felt safe and okay in his arms; maybe he'd stay with me for a few days just being in bed or something. When I pulled away, I pressed my lips to his softly, although it didn't feel as right as it used to. It was almost unfelt; like neither of us appreciated it. Maybe it was because there was nothing inside of me that desired anything; I didn't have the yearning feeling I used to always get to kiss him, hold his hand, make love to him. I just didn't feel like any of that right now, and that scared the hell out of me, because what if I never felt like that again? What if I had been permanently tampered with and now I would never be able to appreciate and love my boyfriend in any sort of physical way? He would leave me, no doubt about it, but I wouldn't blame him for that; he was a gentleman after all, but every man has his needs, and if I couldn't satisfy them when he really needed it then I was sure I could let him go because that would make him happier. I would be miserable, but he would be happy, and his happiness meant so much more to me than my own.

He took my bags and I walked downstairs behind him slowly. I went to Rossi in the living room and hugged him. He returned it and kissed my hair. "Thank you for letting my stay here and leaving me alone when I needed you to."

"Always." He offered me a fatherly smile and I forced a small, grateful smile to him before I turned and walked out. I heard he and Hotch exchange a few words before Hotch followed me out.

He threw my bags into the back and I got into the passenger seat slowly, still careful of the tender spot on my stomach. He sat behind the wheel and looked at me in silence. He hadn't started the car so I finally turned my head and looked at him. "You need to remember that there are plenty of things in our lives that we can't change and there will continue to be plenty of things that we may regret, but—"

"Regret?" I cut him off, "You think I _regret_ saving your lives over Alex? I'm never going to "regret" that decision, but I will always be reliving that situation and I will always be trying to think of _anything_ else I could have done that would have spared your lives and Alex's too."

"I can save you the time and pain of that and tell you that there was _nothing_ else you could have done."

"There is always another way."

"Emily—"

"Stop! Just stop! Stop trying to make me feel better, Aaron, because I don't want to feel better. I want to grieve and cry and hate myself because that's exactly what I should be doing. I _can't_ feel better right now." Only a few tears dripped onto my cheeks as I stared at him. He looked back at me in silence for a few seconds before turning forwards and starting the car. "…I'm sorry." I apologised for raising my voice.

He shook his head as he turned around the driveway, "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Yes I do. You make it seem like I'm so perfect and I don't understand why."

"You're perfect to me…" He said quietly. I closed my eyes and bit my lip as I let that sink in. I didn't know what I could say in reply to that. "…So why have you been avoiding me?"

I sighed and shook my head as I opened my eyes and looked out the window to my right, "I just…I need some time."

"Some time to do what?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know, to come to terms with what happened, I guess. To try and forgive myself and let go and…heal."

"So do you think you want to take a break for a while?" I could hear the pain in his voice as he spoke.

I looked at him then, "Why do you think I chose what I did, Aaron?"

"Because it's what you've always been trained—"

"No, it wasn't because of my training, nor was it because of my morals. I really hate to admit it but in that moment when I had to choose, the team as a whole did not cross my mind. I didn't think about them; I didn't think about my best friends, or my brothers, or my father figure. What I thought about was my boyfriend and his son…and Henry. I chose _you_ over my own brother. So no, no matter how bad I hurt, I do not want to take a break. Not by my own choice, anyway."

"I don't want to either," He assured quietly as he shook his head, "But I need you to tell me what I can do to help you."

"I just need you to be patient and give me some space and time when I need it, but I also really just need you to show me that you love me. I need to know it. I need to believe that everything I did and everything I'm going through now, is all worth it."

He nodded, "Okay." A few seconds of silence past before he spoke again, "Can I ask you one more thing?"

"Sure."

"Have you used heroin since?"

I knew the question was coming eventually; I knew he was dying to ask, to know. I answered quickly without even thinking of it, "Only once." He nodded and I saw him bite the inside of his cheek, something I had noticed he did often when he was either mad or upset but didn't want to show it.

* * *

I saw Jack for only a short while when we got home before he went to bed. He hugged me tightly and for longer than he usually does before heading upstairs. I went up not five minutes later and got changed for bed. I was lying motionless when Hotch came in and lay beside me. He had looked at me for a short while, either wanting to speak or waiting for me to, but he eventually just turned the lamp out and kissed my cheek gently. After a few minutes, I turned my head and kissed the side of his mouth before pressing a kiss to his lips. He responded immediately and I still struggled to feel any kind of want in it. I pulled his arm as I lay back down and he leant over me, getting the message. I started to feel excited as his hand began to roam my body, always careful of my stomach area, and that feeling of excitement only excited me more. Only after he had removed my shorts and started to remove my underwear had I started to panic. I ignored it at first; he was my boyfriend and I loved him and I'm sure he was feeling very deprived at the moment, but when he started to move above me, it overwhelmed me.

"Stop." I begged quietly. He froze immediately before taking his hand away from between my legs and removing his body from atop of mine. I close my eyes as tears fell. "I'm sorry." I sobbed.

"No, don't be. This moves at your pace, okay?" He spoke sympathetically.

I shook my head as I sat up and ran my hand through my hair. I ignored the throb in my stomach and in my core as he turned the lamp on as I looked at him, "I don't know. I don't know why I panicked."

"It's okay." He assured. I shook my head again and caught sight of his arousal underneath the sheet. I began to move to a better position to finish him orally, because that would be better than nothing, right? "What are you doing?" He questioned.

"I have to finish what I started."

"No, Emily."

"It's fine." I looked at him from where I now rested between his legs.

He shook his head and took my hands, pulling me back up to his side, "No. Now lay down, come on." I obeyed and he got up quickly and went to the bathroom. Only a few minutes past before he returned and lay down beside me, no longer stimulated, and turned the lamp back off. He pulled me to lay closer to him and I snuggled to his side before pressing another kiss to his lips. I sobbed afterwards. "…Emily?"

"Why don't I feel anything?" I asked through tears, "When I used to kiss you, every time without fail, I wanted more and it made me happy and smile and it would give me butterflies, and now? Now nothing."

"Shh." He hushed me quietly and held me tightly. I moved my head from his chest to the crook of his neck and tried to stifle my sobs. He ran a hand up and down my back to try and soothe me as he kissed my hair. We stayed in silence for quite a while and I moved my head back to his chest as I started to fall asleep. "I love you, Emily." He whispered quietly, I almost didn't hear him.

I smiled to myself then, "I love you." I replied sleepily. His fingers continued to tickle my back lightly until I fell asleep.

* * *

"You know how you haven't talked in your sleep for quite a while now? Well you did last night." He spoke to me quietly as we lay in his bed, the sun shining rays into the room through the top and sides of the closed curtains.

"What did I say?" I asked.

"You kept apologising to me and to Alex, and then you kept saying you loved me. You also said something about how even if you don't feel it now, you promise me that you will again."

"I'll feel what again?"

"I have no idea." He shook his head as he smiled. I bit my lip and snuggled closer to him. He held me tighter with the arm around me and his other hand played with mine mindlessly. A small knock sounded on the door and Hotch called to Jack that it was okay to come in.

He opened the door and looked at us, "Do I have to go to school today?" He asked quietly.

Hotch thought about it for a few seconds before his phone began to ring. He picked it up and I moved off him as he got up, "No, buddy. Lay with Em for me while I get this?" He asked as he moved towards the door. Jack nodded and ran to the bed where Hotch previously lay. I threw the blankets over him and he lay in my arms as I kissed his hair. Hotch smiled at the sight before he turned and answered the call.

"Emily?"

"Yeah?" I looked down at him.

"I love you."

I smiled then, "I love you too, Jack." I kissed his hair again and closed my eyes.

About ten minutes past and I was almost asleep again before Hotch touched my shoulder gently. I opened my eyes and looked at him, careful not to move the now asleep Jack. "That was work, I need to go in. I'm really sorry."

"No, it's okay." I smiled and pulled his shirt down so that he would kiss me. He went to shower and I closed my eyes again, wishing to fall asleep quickly. After another five minutes, I heard him come back in and he got changed quickly and put his tie on expertly. He kissed Jack's hair and my temple, this time without me opening my eyes, and he left quietly.

I only managed to sleep another half hour before I woke again and couldn't fall back asleep. I thought instead; about what I would do now, what I would work for, what I wanted to do. I wanted to go back to the BAU, but realistically, Hotch should never let me have that job back. I doubted that Cruz would ever want me back there after everything that's happened to me over the past year, or he'd at least put me through a dozen psychological evaluations. Besides, working with Hotch wouldn't be so easy now that we were dating; I'm sure there would be plenty of fights that would affect our work. But what else could I do? Work a desk job at the state department? Desk jobs weren't really my thing. I could try for the CIA again, but I doubted I could do that again, and I didn't want to risk having to cut everyone out of my life for an undercover mission.

I then realised that what I didn't want to do was lose weeks of my life grieving over this. I needed to get up and carry on with daily tasks if I ever wanted to recover from this. I woke Jack gently and he looked up at me. "Want to go out and get breakfast?" I asked him quietly.

His eyes lit up as he sat up quickly, "Really!?"

"Yeah, go get ready." I smiled. I got up as he left the room quickly and I showered, brushed my hair out, ran a straightener through it, and changed into a pair of black skinny jeans and I loose emerald green classic blouse. I found my bag and sunglasses and made my way downstairs. Jack was ready before me and was already downstairs with the TV on in the background. The news was on and when I looked, I saw photos of the team and I. I turned it up and listened as the news reporter spoke about our hostage situation. It made me so angry, hearing how they made it sound so casual, and that they were talking about it at all. I turned the TV off quickly and smiled at Jack when he stood up. "Ready?"

"Yeah. Where are we going?" He asked as he walked out of the door. I walked out behind him and made sure to lock it behind me, and I took the keys to the car.

"Wherever you want to." I smiled at him as I unlocked it and he walked around to the passenger side. I stepped behind the wheel and checked that he had his seatbelt clipped before I backed out of the driveway. He chose a place half way across town, but I didn't mind much. He spoke to me about everything that had been going on prior to London and he seemed almost unfazed by his kidnapping. I just hoped that it would stay that way. Of course, Hotch would be taking him to a therapist for a few weeks until the therapist confirms that he's okay not to return if he doesn't want to, so maybe once that started then he would begin to be affected by it.

Once we got to the café and we had decided on what we wanted, he asked about the presentation ball in London. I told him all about it and he seemed amazed. He then asked me about how I felt concerning JJ and Reid. After he asked me that, I had realised that JJ was pregnant. I never let it sink in before, but now I had seen the reality of it and I started to feel almost excited.

"Do you think you and dad will have kids?" He asked me quietly as he finished his omelette, "Because that would be amazing. I would love it so much."

I put my cutlery down and looked at him, "Jack, I can't actually have children." I said to him quietly, sympathy seeping through my voice. His face dropped slightly, but it picked back up again quickly, "But I don't want you to think that we haven't thought about it or wanted it." I knew Jack, and I knew that when two people had a child together, despite his parent's divorce, he still believed that it meant they were and always would be in love. He was raised to believe that you never made a commitment like a child unless you really loved the other person, which was good thing, when I thought about it. At least he knew that he parents did love each other at some point.

"I just don't want you to ever leave," he said, "Because everyone else that dad saw after mum; Beth, and the other few women, I didn't like them. I didn't think that they were good for dad or that they were anything like mum. But you're different. Dad loves you so much and you make him so happy, and you love me as much as my mum did, and I really need that sometimes." I was almost in tears at his words, but I just smiled and squeezed his hand over the table.

"I'm always going to be around for you, Jack. Please remember that. You can _always_ come to me. Whether your dad and I were together or not, I would always be here and I would always love you."

He smiled and looked down without saying anything else. I sat back and sipped the water in front of me as I looked at him. My heart broke slightly as I thought through his words. He wanted me to stay because Hotch loved me and I made him so happy? What would happen if I couldn't do that anymore, if I didn't love him anymore. I mean, losing the physical side of things, even if it is just temporary, could always lead to losing the rest of it too. I didn't want to risk that; breaking either of them any more than I already would if I left now. I tried not to think about it now; I'd save that pain for a time when I was alone and it was quiet. For now, I just enjoyed Jacks company and his smile and how his laugh made me smile.


	57. Chapter 57

**Prentiss**

I asked Jack if he wanted to stop by the precinct on the way back home. It wasn't exactly on the way, but I could just go around. He was eager to see the team, so I drove us there and we eventually made it to the sixth floor. It appeared that whatever they were called in for had since eased, as I saw all six of them laughing by the desks. Jack ran ahead of me and hugged Hotch as he reached him, and then Garcia, and then moved around the team. I stopped a few desks from them as they all looked at me and I motioned for JJ to come to me, away from them. She put down the pen she had been playing with and walked through the team and to me. "Are you okay?"

"Do you know what I realised today? Like what actually sunk in? You're pregnant! You're going to have another baby!" I exclaimed excitedly as I grabbed her hands. She squealed quietly and hugged me quickly.

"Oh my god! Everyone else had already said all their congratulations and celebrated with us and Spence and I were just waiting until you calmed down and realised and oh my god, finally!"

"Sorry." I apologised quietly.

"No, don't be sorry, I just wanted to celebrate with my best friend."

"Dinner tonight, whole team, we're celebrating." I nodded. She smiled wide and hugged me again. After parting from her, I looked up at Reid and then ran to him quickly. I crashed into him as I threw my arms around his neck and he hugged me back and laughed quietly. "You're going to be a dad!" I exclaimed excitedly. "I cannot imagine you being a father, oh my god." I parted from him.

"We're having dinner tonight, by the way." JJ looked around at the whole time. I smiled and nodded.

I touched gently over the tender spot on my stomach that now ached after I hit Reid so hard and stretched to hug him. Rossi noticed, "Still hurts?" I nodded in reply but I brushed his concerned look off as I dropped my hand.

"Sorry." JJ said quietly.

"Yeah, just don't ever say I wouldn't take a bullet for you." I smirked at her.

"Hey dad, did you know that Emily can't have kids?" Jack asked him.

"You really don't have any sort of filter, do you?" I asked, not to Jack in particular, because I knew he wouldn't exactly understand what I meant, but I just shook my head and looked at Hotch. He looked back at me and raised his eyebrows, as if asking for an explanation. "He was so excited about the thought of us having kids, so I thought I'd stop him before he got his hopes up."

"…Wait…you can't?" Garcia asked me with questioning eyes.

"Taking a wooden pole to the stomach can do that to you. I can't carry." I nodded. I heard the TV volume build behind me and I heard my name as once again, a reporter spoke about me both in terms of my "abduction" with Chris, and the happenings in London. I felt my smile fade quickly as I looked at the TV over my shoulder.

I listened to the end of the updated report silently with the team. _"Sources have recently informed us that Miss Prentiss and the BAU team as well as their families, all made it out safe and all unharmed apart from Miss Prentiss herself, however her brother and Agent Clyde Easter from London Interpol both lost their lives inside the warehouse prior to the other's escape. Sources from London Interpol have told us that Agent Easter was a highly valued and respected agent who went down fighting to protect the others in there with him. Agent Easter and Miss Prentiss had allegedly been friends for approximately ten years, and very close in that time. What we wonder is whether Miss Prentiss can come back from this past year and return to her family at the FBI, or if she's retired from that particular field of work for good. More to come, Gale."_

I shook my head as I turned back around and my head hung so they wouldn't see the tears in my eyes.

"…They don't even know—"

"They know enough, Jayje." I cut her off; I knew exactly where she was going with that. "If the press is questioning my ability to work not just for the FBI, but in this field at all, then everyone else in any kind of position is going to question it too."

"If you want to come back here and prove to everyone outside of this team that you can do it, then the only thing stopping you is yourself." Morgan said. I looked at him with hard eyes. "Don't give me that look; you know I'm right."

"Yeah, right. Well let me know when and where dinner is happening," I stood up, "Jack."

"Do we have to go?"

"You can stay here with me today." Hotch replied to him before I did. He looked at me and I nodded before turning. "Hey!" He stopped me. I turned and he raised his eyebrows, and I knew he was questioning why I was about to leave without kissing him goodbye, although he was at work and I knew he would never be like that at work.

"…You're at work."

"I don't care." He shook his head. I smiled slightly and walked back to him. I placed a quick kiss on his lips. "I love you," He spoke reassuringly, "And don't worry, I don't expect you to return that right now."

I smiled again, "I love you too." I ignored the team's eyes and turned away from him, walking away as I closed my eyes so that my tears wouldn't fall. I left the building quickly and only let myself cry when I was in my car and safe from the curious eyes. It wasn't even my car; it was Rossi's. Everything I had at the moment belonged to someone else.

What Jack had said today about Hotch and I, it wouldn't leave my mind. Despite loving him with everything I had, I couldn't help from feeling like I was almost leading him on. I knew that he loved me, but he would want more eventually. Marriage, children, everything that came with a typical relationship. I couldn't give him children no matter how much I might want to, and I didn't know if I would ever be ready for marriage. The idea of committing yourself to someone in that way just didn't seem to sit right with me, although nothing would change about how committed I was whether married or not, I just had never seen the point, exactly. It was just a piece of paper. So if I couldn't give him the life that he will want one day, then why was I here? What good was I doing for either of us in the long run? I would break both of our hearts at some point, and I wasn't too sure that I could live with the guilt of that on top of everything else.

* * *

Our celebration for JJ and Reid last night had gone down rather well; there was laughter and smiles and stories. No one spoke about our time in London apart from the ball itself, and no one asked me how I was going or watched over me protectively any more than they did before London. It was a fun night overall. I hadn't had any alcohol; I told JJ that I would be going sober with her through her pregnancy. She doubted me and she still doubts that I will be successful in that, but I was going to try my hardest.

Tonight, Hotch had called and said that they were just going to get a drink after their office work today. I declined the offer to join; I told him I was tired. Jack was at a friend's house, so I wrote out a long letter to him and left it in the envelope in the middle of his made bed before taking my packed bags and walking downstairs. I didn't know when Hotch would be home; he had told me that they were going for a drink about an hour and a half ago, but one normally turned into a few.

I left a note for Hotch, too, on his pillow. It was just full of apologies and my reasoning, and I had told him numerous times how much I loved him, despite running away from it. I turned all the lights out and opened the front door, but as I walked out, I was met by the whole team. They stopped laughing amongst each other and they all looked at me. I stopped in my tracks and I immediately looked at Hotch, a step ahead of the others.

He looked down at the bags on my shoulders, "…Going somewhere?"

There were already tears on my cheeks and a few more dripped from my eyes as I shook my head, trying to formulate any words. "I…I just can't do it."

"You're not even trying." He spoke as quietly as he could, but if I could hear it then so could the team.

"I tried, Aaron. I just don't have it in me to keep trying anymore."

"So you're breaking up with me in front of the whole team. How kind of you."

"Well I obviously wasn't expecting to have any of you here when I left."

"So you were just going to leave without a word, just like—"

"I am not Haley," I cut him off in an offended voice, "I left a note on your bed that explains it all. I left a very long letter for Jack," I looked at Rossi down a step from me, "And since you're here now, here's the key to the car. Thanks for letting me borrow it for so long."

He took the key unwillingly, "…Where are you going?"

"I'm not sure yet," I shook my head. I looked at Hotch again and I saw the pain in his eyes; his heart breaking by the second. I shook my head again, "I'm so sorry." I whispered to him.

I stepped down the porch steps quickly and past the team, but JJ caught my arm just before I was free from them, "What the hell are you doing?" She asked me quietly. Her eyes were filled with tears that were dangerously close to falling.

"I don't know, Jayje," I replied just as quiet, "All I know is that I can't do it anymore."

"No, you have to come in and explain this to us."

"JJ—"

"He deserves a verbal explanation, not a written note, and you know that."

I sighed and looked down for a few seconds to keep the rising breakdown back. I then looked back at Hotch and met his eyes, "Is that what you would prefer?"

"Please?" He nodded.

I sighed again and nodded reluctantly, "Okay."

"We'll go, then." Morgan said as he looked at the others.

"No, please, don't let me ruin your night. I'll just talk to him upstairs for a few minutes."

Hotch unlocked the door and waited for me to walk through, followed by the team, and then finally himself. I left my bags in the corner of the foyer and out of the way and he glanced at them before walking towards where I stood on the staircase as the others made their course to the living room. "Help yourselves to whatever you want." He said to them before following me up to his room. "What the hell is going on?" He asked me in a stern tone as soon as his door clicked shut.

"I just can't—"

"Do it. I know; you already said that. _What_ can't you do and _why_ can't you?"

I sat down on the edge od his bed and looked down, "Us. I can't do us."

"We're doing fine considering the circumstances. Is this about the other night? Because that is to be expected—"

"No, Aaron, it's not just because of that. Jack spoke to me the other day when I took him out for breakfast. He told me that I make you so happy and that you love me so much, and then he started talking about how great it would be if we had kids and then he said that he never wanted me to leave. At first I thought it was so sweet, everything he said…but then I thought about it. Aaron, I know that you don't expect it right now, but you will one day; you'll want kids and marriage and everything along those lines, and I can't give you that. I can't give you children, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to get married, and I don't want to break your heart or mine later when you ask for these things and I can't give them to you. Jack has adapted so quickly and so well to me being around and I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have."

"You're not serious."

"What?"

"Emily, I knew from the beginning of all of this that you can't carry children. I also know that you would do anything to have kids of your own, so if the day comes one day that we decide we want a child, we can adopt, we can find a surrogate if you'd prefer that. There are ways around that. And as for the marriage, we don't know if I'll want that again yet, and we don't know that if I decide one day that I do, that you won't be ready. For all we know, you could be ready for that before me."

"But you asked me to marry you in the hospital…you already want that."

"I almost lost you, I was scared. The next day, I cannot tell you how relieved I was that you said no, because I am not ready for that yet, either."

"…I didn't say no, I said that you should have asked differently, in a better way."

"So you're ready or you're not ready?" He asked, clearly confused. I didn't blame him.

"I don't know, Aaron. I could be ready tomorrow, I could never be ready, I could be ready as of yesterday. Nothing is clear to me right now, everything is clouded and hard to understand."

"So because you're going through a hard time and you can't think clearly, you thought that leaving me and all of this was a better option than just talking to me about it?"

"I didn't want to see myself hurt you."

He shook his head as he sighed and crouched down in front of me, taking both my hands, "Emily, we are both in this. Nothing happens between us if one of us doesn't want it to, and we compromise and talk about things; we don't just run. I know that you think that it would be easier for you, but working it out will be worth it, and neither of us will hurt. Hey, look at me," he waited for a few seconds as I took a deep breath to calm myself down before looking to his eyes. "I love you more than you could ever believe. Your past, London, and this situation right now, none of it changes how I feel about you. I can't force you into anything, all I can do it ask, so I am asking you please, please, don't leave me."

Tears were flowing continuously from my eyes, "You deserve so much more than me."

He shook his head, "Everything about you and everything you do amazes me. I am so proud of you and everything you've gotten through up to here, and I am so in love with you. You overthink a lot more when you're sad than you do when you're happy, and right now everything that is going through your mind is being overanalysed and overthought. Your anxiety is feeding you lies about your worth and your abilities. I need you to believe me over all of that, and I need you to promise me that you won't try to run from me again without talking to me first."

I bit my lip and took one hand away from his to wipe my tears, "God, I love you." I whispered.

He smiled, "Promise me? Please?"

I sniffed and nodded as I let out a breath, "I promise." He pulled me to stand and hugged me tightly. I relaxed against his chest as I returned his hug and I closed my eyes as I buried my face into his chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Shh," he hushed me as he ran a hand through my hair gently, "You don't need to apologise." He pulled back after a short while and placed a hand on my cheek. I leant into it and closed my eyes at his touch. "You look exhausted; why don't you get some sleep." He kissed my cheek and I rested my forehead against his.

I bit my lip as I nodded, "Okay." He pressed a light kiss to my lips and I still couldn't feel any longing there, and that made me cry again instantly.

"Emily, don't worry about that, okay? Once you start seeing a therapist and you start moving past this, you'll feel it again."

"You're not beginning to doubt my love?"

"Never." He smiled lovingly as he looked into my eyes. I smiled gratefully back and kissed his cheek before unlinking my other hand from his and turning to the bed. He past me the large shirt of his that I had began to sleep in a lot and I changed quickly before looking at him again behind me. He smiled and walked to me slowly. He placed both hands on my hips as he guided me the few steps back and he pushed me to sit down. I smiled as he leant down and nuzzled my neck. "I love you," He whispered, "Now go to sleep." He pushed me backwards with little force as he stood back up and fought a smile. I laughed and crawled underneath the blankets quickly as he walked towards the door. He looked at me one last time before turning the light out and closing the door behind him as he left.

I lay there and listened to the conversation and laughter downstairs for about an hour before I decided that I was not going to be falling asleep tonight, and so I stood and slid on a pair of my comfiest tracksuit pants before making my way downstairs. Garcia, JJ, and Reid sat on one couch, Morgan and Savannah on another, and Hotch and Rossi on the one closest to the archway. They both looked over their shoulders as I walked in quietly.

"Couldn't sleep?" Hotch asked as I walked around the couch and sat down between him and Rossi. I shook my head in reply and rested my head against his chest as he put his arm around me. I loved that he was comfortable enough around the team now to do anything like this with ease and no second thoughts.

"You look extremely exhausted." Savannah said to me quietly.

I nodded, "I am." My eyes were heavier than they had been upstairs. I sat quietly and listened to their conversation for another hour before I felt myself drifting off against Hotch. I had since pulled me legs up and Rossi had laid them across his lap so I could sleep, my head in Hotch's lap as he played with my hair. It had become a habit of his since he found out how much I loved it.

It wasn't long then until their voices began to seem quieter to me as my brain calmed down enough for me to fall asleep.

* * *

 **I am so sorry about how long I've been away! It's been tough, I'm struggling, but I'm trying to come back.**

 **-A xx**


	58. Chapter 58

**Prentiss**

I woke up with the warmth of Hotch's chest underneath me. I let my eyes readjust to the daylight and sat up slowly, careful not to wake Hotch. I stretched my neck out and looked at him for a few minutes. I smiled at the sight of him, peaceful with no worry at all at this current moment. I leant down and kissed his cheek lightly. He didn't wake, but he spoke just one word quietly in his sleep. It would have been adorable, it would have made me smile, had it not been Haley's name that he had spoken in almost a playful and complaining tone. I stared at him in silence for a few seconds before I shook my head and got up. I had to leave for my first therapist appointment in an hour, so I was as quiet as I could be as I showered, brushed and straightened my hair, applied my makeup, and made my way downstairs. I made myself a coffee in a travel mug and took my coat and keys before leaving.

I drove to the appointment and suffered through the hour of "catching up" with her since my last time here after Chris. She only danced around the London topic, not getting too deep into anything one my first time back. Afterwards, I called JJ and asked if she could meet me for lunch, with or without Reid, because I didn't want to go home yet. I drove to the café and around the block a few times before it reached the time we had agreed on, and then I parked and went inside. I saw the two of them already seated and I approached them as I slid my coat off.

"Hey, I got you coffee already." JJ greeted me and motioned to the coffee mug beside her. I sat down and smiled at Reid across the table. I saw another mug next to him and wondered who else was coming. "Morgan; he and Reid were with me when you called and Savannah's working. I hope that's okay."

"Oh yeah, that's fine." I nodded with a smile. I saw him walk over then and he sat down beside Reid.

"Hey princess. You look pissed." He sipped his coffee.

"Do I?" I questioned.

"I didn't think so." Reid shook his head.

"Yeah, but she was my partner in the field for years; I can pick her hidden emotions better than you."

"Well I'm assuming that is why you called, so what's got you so mad? Don't tell me it's Hotch." JJ looked at me.

I bit my lip, "Yeah look, it's Hotch."

She sighed, "And what did he do this time?"

"Ten bucks he convinced her _not_ to do something utterly stupid again." Morgan said quietly.

I glared at him, "Move on."

"Move on? It was only last night!" Reid laughed. I drank my coffee and tried to calm myself down as the boys began to get on my nerves. Morgan shot another joke out and they both laughed again. JJ was fighting it, but I could see the smile forming on her lips.

"He said Haley's name this morning." I said to them as their laughs began to die down again, and they shut up quickly.

"Oh…" JJ looked at her coffee.

"He was asleep, but I kissed his cheek and he said it as if it was a response to that, so I'm pretty sure that he actually called me Haley."

"Maybe he was just dreaming?" Reid suggested.

"Oh my god," JJ shook her head and gave her boyfriend an obvious look, "Dreaming about the dead ex-wife is never a good sign, so don't suggest that again."

"Well have you ever dreamt about Doyle or called Hotch Ian in the time that you've been together?" He looked at me again.

"Spencer." Clear warning played in JJ's voice.

I smiled and shook my head, "Haven't dreamt or even thought about him in any kind of way like that since I've been with Hotch. Only when it's related to something like work, and the same with Chris, too."

"…Well, I don't know how to make you feel better then." Reid said as he sat back and drank his coffee.

"Wow, thanks for all your help."

"Alright, look. Do you believe that he loves you?" JJ asked. I nodded in reply. "Do you believe that someone can love more than one person at a time?" I nodded again. "Do you believe that no matter what, you have ended up his choice."

I shook my head then, "I was kind of his only choice. Haley's gone, he couldn't possibly choose her; he had to choose me."

"No he didn't," She shook her head in disagreement, "He could have ignored the love he has for you and he could have stayed single just so he could still be devoted to her. Instead of that, though, he confronted you about his feelings and he stuck to them. He could have never had said anything, or he could have slept with you a few times and then moved on, but he stayed when he didn't have to."

"And if you love him then you should trust him enough to not let this get to you." Morgan added. I gave him an unsure look then and bit my lip with guilt clear across my face. He raised his eyebrows, "…Or do you _not_ love him?"

I shook my head, "I don't know. I just don't know anymore. This is going to be really strange to talk about in front of you two, but I'm just going to do it because I don't know what else I can do at the moment apart from get opinions," I looked from Morgan, to Reid, and then to JJ. I looked down at the table in front of me as I continued, "Sometimes he says or does things, or I even just look at him or think about him and it feels like I just love him with everything I have, but things have been different, mostly physically. It's no secret that I'm normally very active in bed, and before everything happened with London, Hotch and I were…it was just frequent and it was great, but since we've been back, I can't do it," I shook my head as tears started to well heavily in my eyes, "When I used to kiss him I would get butterflies and I would smile and I would feel amazing, and now I feel nothing. I have no desire at all to be with him in any sort of physical way apart from just lying with him. The other night he was feeling particularly deprived, so I tried to fix that for him, but I just couldn't. I got all overwhelmed and I freaked out and I had to stop him before he even got close, and he's being so great about it; he won't let me apologise anymore and he just continually tells me that it's okay and it goes at my pace and whatever happens, happens when I make confident decisions, but I'm worried that I'm never going to ever feel anything again." I was crying now and I ignored the embarrassment I was feeling as much as I could.

"Emily, you just went through something majorly traumatic and you suffered badly. You lost your brother, you lost your parents as a result of that. You lost your oldest friend who you thought you'd always be able to count on. You were held, and tortured, and raped. Everything that you're talking about is completely normal. Honestly, I'd be worried if it wasn't like that right now, and I kind of am worried, because most people would distance themselves from friends and family and they'd avoid anything and everything at all costs, and it's great that you're not doing that, but I'm worried that you're not dealing with what happened. I'm worried that you're putting it all back into those compartmentalisation boxes you have in your mind and you're ignoring it all just to cope instead of confronting the issues and dealing with them in a way that's going to help you." JJ had tears in her eyes too, but I know she wouldn't let them out right now; not while I was like this.

"Ignoring what happened instead of learning how to move past it and cope is going to be so much worse for you, and everything is going to be much more difficult and confusing for you if you don't change how you're handling it." Reid said quietly.

I had my head down in my hands now as I tried desperately to stop my tears from falling anymore. "But I can't. I can't do that; I can't confront it or acknowledge it because when I tried to do that at Rossi's, I almost tried to end it."

"…End what, Emily?" Morgan asked. He knew, the dark edge in his voice alone told me that he knew what I was talking about, but he wanted to hear me say it.

"Myself." I replied to him as my voice broke. I listened as Morgan took in an unsteady breath and JJ let one out. She pulled me towards her more and I leant into her as she hugged me. I hated that I let myself tell them that; that wasn't why I had called them. I had called only to talk about my anger towards Hotch after he called me by his ex-wife's name, but now I was crying to them about my mentality. How did it end up here, I wasn't quite sure, but it sure as hell wasn't where I wanted to be. I pulled back from JJ after a short while and stood quickly. I took my coat and bag as I kept my eyes down, "I got to go. Thanks for the coffee." I spoke quickly and quietly before I walked away from them as fast as I could. I heard JJ call out for me to stop, but I ignored her and once outside, ran to my car. I started it immediately and pulled out of the lot before they'd have a chance to catch up to me if they had followed, and I didn't think about going anywhere but home to curl up in bed and just block out the world for a while.

* * *

I walked inside as silently as possible and I could hear Hotch talking in the living room, a kind of sadness in his voice that hurt my heart. "Thank you, Morgan. You have no idea how much I appreciate you calling. I'll talk to her. Thanks, bye." I stopped and listened for a few seconds as he put his phone down and sighed, almost in defeat.

"What was that about?" Rossi spoke to him. I didn't even realise that his car was here. I hoped that he hadn't heard me come in.

"Emily called JJ and asked if she could meet her for coffee after her appointment. Reid and Morgan went too, and Emily spoke to them about me…before she told them that she's feeling suicidal again." His voice began to shake as he added the suicidal part.

"It's hard, isn't it, loving someone that hates themselves so much?"

"I hate to admit that even I'm struggling. I want nothing more than to help her through this and just love her when she needs it and be there for her, but she's making it clear that I'm not helping; I'm a part of the problem, so it seems. I mean, I'm finding out about serious matters from other people rather than from her. I already told you about why she was about to leave last night, but I think that she's questioning whether she actually loves me or not and instead of talking to me about whatever is going on, she's just running and trying to hide from it all."

"She's also grieving rather heavily at current and she's confused because everything is just muddled up and out of place in her head. I think that you forget that she is a very independent woman when she wants to be, and this is the sort of thing that she'd want to start to come to terms with on her own before she brought anyone else into it. I know that all of this is very difficult for you and is taking a huge toll on you, but you just need to continue to be patient. She'll come around eventually once she's decided that she wants to overcome this. When that happens, then she'll let you back in."

"And what if she decides that running might be easier for her and that she doesn't want to overcome it. She would rather kill herself right now instead of confront this."

"She is overwhelmed and she is struggling much more than any of us right now. We need to keep her safe, yes, and especially from herself, but we also need to let her try and deal with this on her own to begin with."

"She better come home or I am getting Garcia to track her and I am never going to let her out of my sight again."

"She'll come home." Rossi assured him quietly.

I let out a silent breath and closed my eyes as once again, I started crying. After only a minute or so, I wiped my tears and walked on my toes to try and made no sound, and I turned for my back to face the door as I opened it behind me loudly and then closed it. I took my coat off and dropped my keys in the bowl that I always did, and I went to the living room. "Hey." I smiled at Hotch and then Rossi. I kissed Hotch's cheek as I passed him and I went to the kitchen to get coffee. I poured a cup and listened as Rossi stood and told Hotch that he best be leaving.

"See you, Em." He called in.

"Bye." I called back. I stood silently with my back still to the archway that connected the living room to the dining room and kitchen and listened as Hotch thanked him and he left. Once the front door had opened and closed and a few seconds past, I felt his presence behind me. "I know that Morgan called you, and I know that this is hard for you and you're struggling to be with me, and I know that no matter how many times he tells you that you need to be patient and that I'm grieving, it doesn't make it any easier on you. I know all of that and I am so sorry for all of that and for everything left unspoken in this conversation, but I don't know any other way to make this easier for you without my leaving."

"So you heard Dave and I, then," He nodded, "I don't want you to make it easier for me. I want you to let me in, and I want you to start confronting all of this…and I want you to tell me things yourself. I don't want to hear something like that from Morgan; I want to hear it from you."

"And how was I supposed to tell you that? You have given me absolutely everything that I have in my life. You have given me _a life_ and a reason to stay in it, but I didn't have the heart to tell you myself that I didn't want it anymore. Because how do you tell someone that?" I turned around and looked at him and I saw the tears shining in his eyes. I shook my head, "Please don't cry right now. Not right now."

"Emily, the one person in the whole world that I want to spend the rest of my life with just told me that they don't even want to be alive. Of course I'm going to be upset. Can I just ask you one question?"

"Anything."

"Why am I not enough? Or rather, what can I do to be enough?"

"Oh god," I looked away as I wiped my eyes as more tears fell, "You are enough, you've always been enough. Nothing of what I am feeling is on you, Aaron. You have done nothing but make me one of the happiest people on earth."

"I understand what changed, but why did you let it?"

I shook my head as I looked away again, and I made a decision then and there, because hearing the pain in his voice right now was unbearable for me. I couldn't believe I was doing this to him; hurting him like I was. "I'm going to fix this. I am not going to skip a single appointment unless I am literally dying, and I am going to come to terms with London and I'm going to move on and forgive myself, and I am going to love you forever, and once I'm okay again, that's it. There will be nothing else that could ever make me question my love for you or question us or make me ever want to leave you, and—"

"Stop, stop," he shook his head as he approached me slowly, "Emily," He cupped the sides of my face in both his hands, "I know what you're saying, and I believe you, and I am so proud of you. I will always be here and I am going to wait for as long as it takes for you to let me in and move past this."

"Maybe once all of this is over and history, then I might be ready to marry you." I whispered to him. He kissed me then, slow and gentle, but I could also feel the desperation he was feeling. After his lips parted from mine, I spoke again, "A week. Give me a week and if by then I still can't feel anything or I don't have my sex drive back or I still freak out, then you have my permission to go and get an old friend, or a stripper, or a—"

"Emily, shut up," he cut me off and placed a finger over my lips as he smiled and shook his head, "Your pace."

"I love you. I promise, I do. I'm not questioning it; I do love you."

He nodded, "I know. What I said to Dave was not correct, because I know that you do."

"Okay, but are you sure that you know? Because I can find another way to prove it to you. I'm not sure what yet, but I can find something."

"Emily, relax." He pulled me into him and I held my arms around his neck as his held around my waist tightly. I closed my eyes and felt my body relax against his almost instantly. "You are exhausted, so let's go watch a movie in bed, okay?" I nodded against his chest and before I had the chance to let go, he lifted me up and held me against him as he walked out of the kitchen. I laughed and nuzzled his neck as he carried me towards the staircase. He dropped me onto his bed and leant over me as he kissed down my neck playfully and I laughed again. He sat up afterwards and walked towards the TV before crouching in front of it. "What movie do you want to watch?"

"I don't mind; whatever you decide." I snuggled down underneath the blankets and waited for him to put a movie on and join me. He lay down and put an arm around me as I moved closer to lie on his chest. It seemed that I couldn't sleep without him around anymore, but as soon as I was in his arms and I could feel his warmth or hear his heartbeat, the exhaustion overcame me and I was finally able to close my eyes and fall asleep.


	59. Chapter 59

**Prentiss**

Three weeks had past, I was attending two therapist appointments per week, I still had not succeeded in my attempts to give Hotch what he needed, and I had used heroin again today.

It was a rough morning. Hotch woke up before me and had woken me by kissing down my neck. I had rolled over to straddle him as I delved his mouth with mine, but as soon as he touched my panties underneath my oversized shirt, I pulled away from him and had another anxiety attack with no warning. I could tell today how frustrated and impatient he was getting, but he would never tell me that. After a minute or two of silence as I wiped my cheeks and he lay down motionless, he got up without a word, showered for work, and then he left as soon as he could. It was almost like I could _feel_ him falling out of love with me with every passing day.

I was getting better in the other parts of my life; I found myself smiling and laughing more, I hadn't been feeling low enough to think about trying to end my life again, and I was thinking less about London and feeling less guilty than I had prior to therapy. It was helping in every department except for the sexual one, to which I didn't exactly talk about with my therapist. But after that this morning and feeling all week that Hotch wasn't as interested in me than he used to be, I felt the urge again and this time it wasn't one I could just push away with distractions. I went out and went through with buying it and using it at an old friend's house. He was a junkie, always had been, but he was careful with it, and he knew when enough was enough for me. I trusted him to keep me under control when I didn't have a choice other than giving into the cravings. Over the past three weeks, I had only used it once before today, but the team was oblivious to that fact.

Tonight, though, I was supposed to be going out for dinner with them, and by the time I had gotten back home, the effects still hadn't worn off. I had taken a much larger dose today. Hotch had asked if I was okay, he had said that I seemed off, but I just assured him that I was fine. I insisted that he drive tonight; I didn't want to crash like I almost had on the way home.

I walked into the restaurant a step before him and saw the team already seated. I approached them and sat down silently, not greeting them like they had me. Hotch had said hello to them and then sat beside me, giving me a questioning look, "Are you sure you're okay?" he whispered to me.

"I said I was fine." I replied to him at a normal volume, but I was speaking slowly.

His eyes narrowed and I looked down, but he lifted my head back to look at him and after a few seconds, I saw the anger on his face, "Are you high?" The team was silent, all looking at me. I rolled my eyes at him and hit his hand away from my chin lamely before looking back down at the menu that was placed in front of me.

"Excuse me." Garcia stood quickly and walked away from the table as her tears began to fall. JJ and Savannah looked at each other, both with teary eyes, and followed behind her.

"Do you not realise that three of the strongest women we know just walked away crying because of you?" Hotch asked me, his voice harsh and furious. I looked at him with an uninterested expression. "…You don't even care, do you?" I looked forwards again without answering him, and he shook his head as he stood up. "Get up, we're going home and you're sleeping it off. Tomorrow you will go see those three girls and you will apologise sincerely and then I will you book you in with a drug abuse counsellor."

I clicked my tongue as I stood slowly and grabbed my bag before walking out of the restaurant. I heard him apologise to the men of the team before following me and he helped me into the car. "I'm sorry." I apologised to him quietly as he sat behind the wheel and closed his door.

He looked at me, "Why did you do it?"

"You don't love me anymore."

He shook his head, "I do love you, Emily, and despite this, I still love you."

"You get frustrated and mad with me now."

"No, I'm not frustrated or mad at you, sweetheart. I get a little frustrated with the situation, but never with you." He assured me quietly. I looked at him and he nodded in confirmation before he started the car.

* * *

I woke up in the morning with a huge "heroin hangover" and I found myself running to the bathroom immediately upon sitting up in bed. I knelt over the toilet as my body emptied all contents of my stomach. I heard a quiet knock on the door after my second time throwing up and I looked at Jack as he walked in and placed two glasses beside me; one of water and one of apple juice.

I smiled at him weakly, "Thank you, honey."

"Are you okay?"

"I am, thanks." I nodded. He nodded and walked back out, closing the door behind him. I sat there for another five minutes to ensure that I wouldn't vomit again and I rinsed my mouth out before sipping at the apple juice and drinking all the water. I cried for a short while in the ensuite before I walked out and saw Hotch sitting on the bed, waiting. "…Hey."

"Get ready; we'll be late if we don't take Jack to school soon."

"Shouldn't you already be at work?" I asked as I took out a pair of underwear and a bra from the drawers across the room.

"I didn't know when you would wake up, so I said that I'd be late because I needed to take Jack to school, but there's no case so Dave told me to take the day off."

I nodded as I walked back to the bathroom and tied my hair up quickly. I closed the door and started the water as I quickly removed my clothes and showered as fast as I could with my throbbing head. I brushed my hair out and ran a straightener through it quickly to calm the frizz, and then I walked back into the bedroom in my underwear and looked for the first outfit I could find. A casual blouse and jeans, the easiest of options. I didn't bother with makeup; I would look like shit either way. I went downstairs and followed the sound of Hotch and Jack's voices. I found them in the kitchen and Hotch finished pouring a travel mug of coffee and passed it to me. "Thanks." I said to him quietly.

He kissed my cheek as he walked past me and towards the foyer, "Alright, let's go."

"We're going to be late." Jack complained lightly as he walked out in front of me. I had only my phone with me and Hotch grabbed my coat on his way out behind me. He handed it to me on our way to the car and I thanked him again. The drive to drop Jack was silent on my half, and Jack spoke non-stop to Hotch about something that I was not listening to.

As soon as Jack was out of the car and inside the school gates, I finally spoke, "I am so sorry."

"It's okay." He said with a sigh lingering in his voice as he pulled back onto the road and towards Quantico.

"No, it's not." I disagreed as I looked at him.

"If I'm being completely honest with you, with everything that you're going through at the moment, I was expecting something like this sooner or later. I just need you to try harder now more than ever to overcome those cravings, because I can't have this around Jack."

"I know, and I promise that I'm going to tell my therapist tomorrow and I'm going to do everything I can."

"…Do you remember last night?"

"Parts, but it's a little hazy."

"Do you remember telling me that you did it because you thought I didn't love you anymore?"

"…Yeah." I said quietly as I looked down.

"Emily, I don't know what more I can do to show you that I love you. I have done everything I can think of that you can tolerate, everything short of taking you out on dates, but I would have done that too if you had wanted to go and not wanted to stay in bed."

I bit my lip as I tried to bite my tears back. I looked out the window so he wouldn't see them, because I assumed he would just shake his head and tell me that crying wasn't going to fix anything, but instead he took one of my hands and linked his fingers through mine, resting them on the centre console. "I love you." He had been repeatedly telling me the same thing for weeks, more than he would have ever voiced prior to London, but somehow, my mind just kept telling me that it wasn't true. This time, though, I forced that thought away as quickly as it came and instead continuously told myself in my head that he _did_ love me.

He was taking me to Quantico now so that I could apologise to the team, the girls especially, and he had told me that Reid wanted to try and help me. After seeing them, he would take me by Morgan and Savannah's place so that I could apologise to her, and then he told me that he would take me to lunch and talk about what was happening.

* * *

Another week had past and yesterday I had finally swallowed my pride and booked an appointment with a sex therapist for this morning. It felt kind of strange to talk to her about what was happening, but it seemed like it could really become helpful over a few sessions. She asked if Hotch might be interested in coming to the next appointment so that we could have a "couple" session, but I had told her that he wasn't aware that I was there and that I wasn't sure if he'd take to the idea very well, but I'd still ask him. After seeing her, I had to attend my regular therapist appointment, at which point in time I felt truly insane, having to attend two different appointments back to back.

After all the therapy was finally over for the day, though, I headed to the gym instead of home. My therapist had suggested that maybe beginning to work out again might be very good for me when I was feeling the drug craving, and so I had been attending every day since, even if I wasn't craving. Today, however, I was. My phone rang about a half hour into my gym session and I paused my music before unplugging my earphones and answering Hotch's call, "Hey."

"Hey, how'd your appointment go?"

"Not too great, not too bad. It was kind of average. Do you have a case?"

"Yeah, we've got another one. Jess can take Jack if at any point you don't feel like you can have him around, and I need you to be careful while I'm gone, please?"

"Of course. Where are you going?"

"Only up to Biddeford, Maine. I've got to go—"

"Wait! Do you think you'll be back by Tuesday?" It was Thursday now, so there was no doubt they'd be working over the weekend.

"I'm really not sure, why?"

"When you have a chance to talk about something, could you please call me?"

"Should I be worried?" He asked hesitantly.

"No, no. It's nothing bad, I just need to talk to you."

"Okay, I'll call you tonight when we're off hours. I love you."

"I love you too. Good luck." I hung up and looked at the time; I had an hour and half before I'd have to leave here to pick Jack up. I got back to my workout and pushed myself as hard as I could take it for the next forty-five minutes, and then for an additional fifteen, I beat up a punching bag so hard that each of my knuckles were ripped up and covered in blood. I sprained my left wrist, too. Afterwards, I went to the locker rooms, showered and changed, and headed out. I stopped at a pharmacy on my way to the school and ran in to get some bandages, and then I sat outside of the school and wrapped up my hands and my wrist as I waited for Jack to come out.

"Wow, what happened?" He asked as he got into the passenger seat and looked at my bandages.

"Punching bag at the gym. Seatbelt."

"…You were very angry."

"How was school?" I changed the subject. He got distracted quickly and started recounting his whole day from start to finish for me. I smiled as he laughed at a few things that happened throughout his day. Afterwards though, he seemed to get sad and like he wanted to say something but was too scared to speak about it. "Hey, what's on your mind?" I asked him quietly, looking at him briefly before looking back to the road.

"I heard you and dad talking the other night, Emily. He said that he doesn't want you around me, and I don't understand why."

"Oh…no, Jack, it's not that he doesn't want _me_ around you, it's just that I did something and your dad just doesn't want you to be in any sort of danger as a result of it."

"Are you leaving? Because I heard you say that all he needed to do was say the word and you were leaving."

"No, I'm not leaving. You don't need to worry about any of that, okay honey? Just know that I am _always_ going to be here with you, okay?"

He nodded, "Okay. And also, dad told me this morning to tell you that you need to call Reid today. Something about helping with something."

I nodded, "Okay, thanks."

A few minutes of silence past before he spoke again, "Can we get ice cream? I feel like ice cream. Let's get ice cream." I smiled as he spoke and decided that we were definitely getting ice cream. I took the next right turn instead of the left and headed towards his favourite ice cream parlour. I didn't enjoy ice cream all that much when I wasn't on my period, but seeing Jack's eyes light up every time we went there and he got to pick from the newest range of flavours that they had available on the day, it made it worth the extra fifteen minute drive and the ridiculous price. Hotch didn't bring him very often because he hated the drive there and he hated how overpriced it was, but when I was either with them or it was just Jack and I, we always went whenever one of us wanted it. Jack knew he had me wrapped around his finger too, so when he wants the ice cream, he knows that he's going to get the ice cream.


	60. Chapter 60

**Prentiss**

I had been going rather well lately, but when I woke up this morning, I knew today would be extremely bad. It took me an hour to get up and left me with no time to shower before I had to take Jack to school, so I got changed quickly and made myself a coffee as he walked out of the house. I ran to the car and he talked to me the whole way there, and I tried my hardest to listen and respond. After he was inside the gates, I hooked my phone to the car Bluetooth and called Jess as I pulled back onto the road. "Hey Emily." She picked up quickly.

"Hey, are you busy this afternoon or over the weekend?"

"No, I'm free. Need me to take Jack?"

"Only if you want to; I can stay home, I just know that you haven't seen him in a while."

"Yeah, I'll take him. I'll pick him up from school and I'll just take him home to grab some things before going to my place."

"I won't be home when you take him there, so I'll be back Monday unless something comes up, then I can come back whenever you need me."

"Alright, thank you." I could hear the polite smile in her voice.

"Thanks, bye." I hung up and drove back to the house. I went inside, showered, and packed a bag before heading right back out to my car. As soon as I started driving again, I had to begin pushing tears back. It was overwhelming for the most part, but I didn't want to have to pull over so I refused to cry just yet. I started on the seven-and-a-half-hour drive towards Cincinnati, Ohio. I don't know why I chose Cincinnati, it was just what I thought of, and I had done this drive numerous times already so I knew where I was going. I didn't want to be lost, I just didn't want to be home.

I hoped that Hotch wouldn't get back home before I did or that he'd at least call in advance with enough time for me to get back. He would hate that I left town because of a bad day and didn't call him. He'd think I was running from my problems instead of talking about them with him again, but I just couldn't be home, was all. The barrier I had put up to block my tears had broken then as I thought about how furious he was going to be with me when he found out. I started crying heavily and I pulled over as it blurred my vision too much for me to drive. I sobbed for a short while before I dialled Savannah's number and waited. I felt bad for him not knowing where Jack or I were.

"Hey Em." She greeted me.

"Hey, are you at work?"

"Finished about twenty minutes ago, why?"

"I need you to do me a favour, please? Could you please call Morgan and tell him that I'm going out of town just for the weekend and to tell Hotch for me, and that Jack is with Jessica? I know he'll be really mad if he doesn't know but I can't call him because then he'll want to know why and then he'll want to come home and last week he said he was thinking about leaving the BAU for me and he can't do that. I'll never forgive myself and he'll never forgive me and it'll ruin—"

"Em, relax. I'll call him just as soon as I'm off with you. May I ask why you're leaving?"

"…It's just a _really_ bad day and I can't be home and I can't be around Jack so I'm off to Cincinnati for the weekend; I'll be back by Monday."

"…Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I just want to cry and drive and I just want Morgan to tell Hotch for me."

"Okay," She sounded hesitant, but she'd do it for me, "Be safe, and call me if anything happens or you need me and don't do anything stupid."

"I promise, Savvy, I'll be okay."

"Bye." She said sadly. I ended the call and took a deep breath as I started driving again, wiping my cheeks every so often when my tears dripped onto them. After about five minutes, my phone rang and Morgan's name, along with a silly photo of the two of us that always made me smile, displayed on the car's small screen. I ignored the call and the one following immediately after. Another five minutes after that, my phone rang again, this time with Hotch's name and a photo of him smiling as I kissed his cheek. I ignored that call too and texted as I drove, _"I'll call soon. Driving"_. I knew he'd be mad at me for ignoring him but I tried to block that fear out for the most part; I didn't need anything else to be worried about at the moment.

* * *

I checked into a nice hotel in Cincinnati in the shopping district and once in my room and showered, I got my phone out and stared at Hotch's number for a few minutes before I pressed the call button. He answered rather quickly, considering he was on a case.

"You couldn't have called earlier? I was going crazy over here, wondering what happened and where you were going and if you were okay."

"I'm fine, Aaron." I assured quietly.

"Where are you and why?"

"I'm in Cincinnati, and I just couldn't be home at the moment. Jack is with Jess, everything is fine."

"Well Morgan told me that you said to Savannah that you were having a bad day, so did you decide to run instead of talking about it first again?"

"No, I'm not running, I'm just taking a break. I will be back home by Monday and there's nothing to talk about anyway. Nothing happened, I just woke up and felt very bad."

"…Okay." He seemed too tired to fight me on this.

"Hey, before you go, can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Have you slept with anyone else since London? I've already given you my permission, I'm just curious as to know who you might be—"

"Emily, I haven't."

"But you know that you can, right? If you want to."

"Why would I betray you like that? I can't do that, Emily, because that means I am not being faithful or respectful to you, and you know that I love you far too much to ever hurt you like that, not to mention that I don't _want_ to sleep with anyone else."

"You can say the word and this is over." I said quietly.

"No. I don't want this to be over and I don't want you to want this to be over. Is that what today is about? You're doubting my love for you again?"

"No, I was just thinking about it on my drive here."

"You _drove_ the whole way? That's a seven-and-a-half-hour drive; you must be exhausted."

"My head is pretty clear at the moment though." I tried to make it seem less worrying, because I could hear it in his voice.

"I don't think your head is clear at all, considering you just told me that I could cheat on you if I wanted. Get some sleep, sweetheart. I love you."

"I love you too." I waited half a second before I ended the call and fell back to lay on the bed. My phone sounded and I looked at the automated text from my bank that informed me that Hotch had just transferred quite a bit of money to my account. I smiled and shook my head before texting him, _"Why'd you do that?"_

" _Spoil yourself. I love you."_

I shook my head again and decided against replying at all. I grabbed my bag and got changed out of my pajamas and into something casual before heading out. It was about five in the evening, so I walked around for a while and up a few blocks before I decided I was hungry and dropped into a Chinese restaurant.

I walked back to the hotel as the sun was just about gone, and I went up to my room quickly. I used the swipe card to enter and I let the door fall closed and lock itself behind me. I sat the food down on the dining table and got changed quickly into one of Hotch's shirts that I had stolen a while ago and a pair of tracksuit pants. I let my hair down and shook it out as I walked back to the dining table and grabbed the food. I sat down on the queen bed and found the remote for the TV. I flicked through channels before I found a movie that I wouldn't mind watching, and I ate as I watched.

After eating, I had stood at the minibar and contemplated drinking the alcohol contained in there or not, and I pondered this for about five minutes before I decided against it. Instead, I walked back to the bed and snuggled underneath the blankets. I watched the rest of the movie before my phone rang and I picked up Hotch's call as my phone sounded loudly. "Hey."

"You sound exhausted."

"I am pretty tired, I wouldn't say exhausted."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, I'm just worried."

"About?"

"You being mad at me."

"Why on earth would I be mad at you?"

"Because I made Jess take Jack, I left and I made Savannah tell Morgan to tell you, and I ignored you when I was driving when I could have just used the Bluetooth."

"Emily, I don't mind when Jack is with Jess at all; he was there all the time before you came into our lives in the way you are now. I was a bit confused on why you called Savannah instead of just calling me, but not mad. You left because you were having a bad day, and if leaving stopped you from hurting yourself or using or even just made you feel better, then I'm definitely not mad at that either. And you were driving, Em, I understand that."

"…You're not even a little bit mad?"

"Not at all." He assured quietly. I asked him to change the subject off me and he began to tell me about the case. I listened as well as I could as I lay down with the phone on speaker beside me. He asked me for a few opinions and asked me a few general questions, and he made me laugh and told me about Reid and Morgan's current prank war; this would have had to be their fifth one by now. I realised after a while that he started to talk softer, quieter, and that he was keeping the conversation to require minimal intelligence from me, and I started to drift in and out of sleep for a while before I fell out for good.

* * *

I woke up in the early morning. The sun was still rising, although it was almost up, and I sighed as I sat up and stretched my neck. "Hey." Hotch spoke softly.

I jumped with a small yelp and looked around before seeing my phone on the bed beside me. I could hear him laughing lightly. I tapped the screen and saw the call, edging on nine hours. I smiled to myself, "I fell asleep? Why didn't you hang up?"

"I like to listen to your breathing when you're sleeping; it makes it easier for me to sleep myself."

I smiled again and looked down, "I miss you."

"Well we'll both be home soon enough. I have to meet the team at the station early so I need to go, but I just wanted to talk to you when you woke. I love you."

"I love you too. Good luck." I hung up and lay down again for a few minutes.

I woke again after those "few minutes", but it was three hours later. I got up and showered, feeling a bit better than I had yesterday, but not completely. I changed and did my hair, grabbed my bag and keys and left my room. I went towards the central business district and to a coffee shop and bought a coffee and a small muffin to eat, and then I went to Fountain Square to sit and relax for a while. After I finished my coffee, I made my way to the Taft Museum of Art. It was beautiful and the art was astonishing, but there was only so much time I could spend there. After looking around for about two hours, I went to the gift shop and found something small for every member of the team, as well as Savannah and the boys. After that, I left the area of the central business district and headed back up towards the shopping district. I shopped for hours. I bought dresses, jeans, and blouses that I loved, and I bought a few lingerie outfits, both one and two-piece sets. By the time I decided I was hungry again, it was close to the time I'd usually have dinner, and so I went to a nearby bar and ate while I had a few drinks.

I walked back towards the hotel afterwards and called Hotch as I went.

"Hotch." He picked up quickly but he sounded distracted.

"I was a bar tonight and I saw this couple fighting really bad so I called to tell you that I love you."

"…Have you been drinking?"

"Yes."

"And it sounds like you're walking…"

"Yes again."

"Emily, call a cab. It isn't safe for you to walk around drunk."

"I'm not drunk, I'm tipsy. I'm only five minutes away from my hotel anyway, but if you wait, I'll strip and play." I smirked to myself and bit my lip.

He hesitated before he sighed, "No, Em. You need to take your time."

"Aaron, I'm going insane."

"Then we can try again when we're both home, but I am not doing this over the phone with you."

I groaned, "Fine. Well when do you think you'll finish up there?"

"Finished today, it was just too late to fly out tonight so we're leaving tomorrow morning."

"I'm heading home tomorrow too, but you'll get there much earlier than me." I talked to him for a little while longer until I was back at the hotel, and then I told him that I had to go. He wished me goodnight and told me he loved me, to which I had returned, and I went straight to bed. I was too tired to stay up and there wasn't really much to do, so I put a movie on. I contemplated calling Hotch again; I wanted to hear his voice until I fell asleep, but I knew he would be exhausted and drained after the case they just worked; he always was, he just never let the team ever see that in him. He figured that if they thought he wasn't tired, then they wouldn't force him to take a day off every so often, although his logic never followed through. The whole team always agreed on a day ever three to four months where they wouldn't let him come into work. He had told me that on those days, he'd pull Jack out of school and he'd spend all day with him doing whatever the young boy wanted. It sounded quite sweet to me, but I knew that as Jack got older, the less time he'd want to spend with Hotch, and while the time was already short, it would get shorter. I could definitely wait for that time to come, I didn't want to have to the see the shattered look in Hotch's eyes the day that Jack decided that seeing _anyone_ else was better than seeing his father. I lay down further in the bed and turned the TV off, leaving the hotel room in complete darkness, and I thought about Jack and Hotch for a long while before I finally fell asleep.


	61. Chapter 61

**Prentiss**

I had left Cincinnati at about ten and I took several stops on the way back to Virginia. When I was only about a half hour away from home, I texted Hotch to tell him, and he told me to come to Rossi's instead. He said the whole team was having dinner there, and so I headed there instead. When I walked inside the house, I found it strange how little I could hear. Normally when I'd walk in later than everyone else, there would be chatter and laughter coming from either the living room or the kitchen. Tonight, I only heard quiet voices and Savannah and Garcia laughing faintly. It sounded like it was coming from outside, so I made my way through the house, dropping my handbag on one of the corner tables in the living room and taking only my phone with me, and I walked outside. The patio was lit and Rossi was beginning to heat the barbeque. I smiled when I heard Jack and Henry yell my name excitedly. They ran up the patio steps from the yard below and both ran to me. I hugged the two of them quickly and kissed Henry's cheek. He ran to Reid almost immediately, and Jack smiled up at me. "Where did you go?"

"Ohio."

"Why?"

"I just needed a bit of a break so I took it."

He frowned, "Well you could have taken me with you. Aunt Jess's new boyfriend came over."

"You didn't like him?"

"No, I don't like him at all."

I smiled sympathetically, "I'm sorry. Next time I will take you with me, I promise."

He smiled then, "Okay." He walked away as Hotch approached me. He pressed a kiss to my temple and hugged me. I hugged him back willingly and once parted, I placed a kiss against his lips.

"After I say hey to everyone, I need to talk to you inside." I whispered to him. He nodded and walked inside and I greeted and hugged the others. I had a few short conversations then them and then excused myself as I walked inside and looked for Hotch. I found him in Rossi's study. "So…I'm not quite sure if you're going to be happy about this, but she asked me to ask you, so I am. Plus, you should probably know anyways."

"What's going on? Are you okay?"

"Oh yeah, I promise you that I am fine. The other week my therapist suggested that I try a different kind of therapy as well as seeing her, and at first I wasn't so sure it was what I wanted to do, but I booked an appointment last week with a sex therapist…and she asked me if you would be willing to come in with me on Tuesday."

He raised his eyebrows, "A _sex_ therapist?"

"Yeah, she said that she's going to help me pinpoint the problem and then help me fix it, and she wants to talk to you about it, too, I guess."

"Emily, we already know what the "problem" is. The only way to solve it is time; we've talked about this several times."

"You think it was because I was raped and I understand why you'd think that, but I don't exactly agree. You know that I was raped when I was younger and still using all the drugs and being a bad kid, but when it happened then, it took me a week before I slept with someone else again. Now this has been much longer than a week and all I do is freak out and I hate that about myself, and I hate that I can't provide you with what I'm supposed to right now."

"I have told you before and I will tell you again; I don't mind waiting, and this needs to go at your pace. You don't need to see a sex therapist _just_ because of me, but if you actually want to see her and it makes you feel better, then I am happy for you to do that. If you'd like to me to come on Tuesday then I will."

"…Really?"

"Of course," He smiled and kissed me lightly, "and thank you for telling me." I smiled and kissed him back with more intensity than he had shown. It excited me now that I could again feel the need and want to kiss him. It didn't feel quite like it used to, but it was getting there. I pushed him backwards as his hand tangled in my hair and the other stayed on my hip, and he stopped to sit on the corner of the desk. Once our lips parted so we could breathe, he began to place kisses from my jaw down my neck and to my collarbone. I moaned quietly and pulled his hair back to bring his lips back to mine. He pulled back not long after, "Our absence will be noticed…"

"Sorry." I smiled to myself and looked down.

"Cincinnati was good for you, then?"

" _You_ are good for me." I smirked at him.

"Are you sure you need a sex therapist? Because you seem to be getting there just fine on your own."

My smile faded, "You have no idea how bad my anxiety just was during that."

He nodded, "Okay, well let's go back to the team."

I nodded and followed him out with my hand linked in his. Garcia met me with a glass of wine, to which I took with thanks, and Hotch picked up his glass of scotch from near the table by the door. I wouldn't drink the wine, I was still trying to be sober with JJ, but I took it anyways. My hand slid up from Hotch's hand to his arm to hold myself to his side as he began a conversation with Rossi. I looked over the team, starting with my boyfriend and Rossi, then to Morgan and Garcia, and then JJ, Reid, and Savannah. Reid's eyes caught mine when I looked at him and he tilted his head slightly before he stepped away from the girls and motioned for me to come to him. I let go of Hotch's arm and walked over to him across the patio and down the steps to the grass beneath. "Hey." I smiled at him.

"So I heard Hotch and Rossi talking about whether you would either want to or be allowed to come back to the team," He got straight to the point, "Rossi said he thinks that you definitely would want to and would definitely be capable of it. Hotch, though, said that he wasn't sure if you should. He said something about you adapting to being without the crazy hours and events and that you haven't really been showing much interest in the idea anyway. So…do you want to come back to the team?"

I smiled at him reassuringly, "Yes Reid, I do."

"Are you trying to?"

"…There is just one more thing that I need to overcome and work out before I attempt to come back, and it might take me a little while." I didn't exactly want to say "yeah, after I can finally sleep with my boyfriend again" to Reid; he'd probably get too uncomfortable with that.

He nodded and looked down, "Okay."

"Reid, are you okay?"

He nodded again, "Yeah, I just miss you a lot. We all do, really. I mean, we do see you quite a bit outside of work, but it's when we're on cases or in the office on slow days where we think about how much better it would all be if you were with us again. I miss going to the shooting range with you, too…like…a lot."

"I'll be back, Spence." I promised.

"Reid, Emily, come on!" Rossi called to us as the others were either getting their food or sitting down with it.

I looked behind me briefly before turning back to Reid. He looked back at me too, "Remember that we have that meeting tomorrow night."

I nodded, "I remember, and hey, text me tomorrow if you don't have a case and I'll come in when you're not too busy and we'll go down to the shooting range, okay? Because I miss it a lot too."

"You're not supposed to use it, though."

"We don't have to tell anyone." I winked with a smirk.

He smiled and nodded, "Okay." He went to walk back up the steps but I pulled him back gently and hugged him. He returned it willingly and I felt him smile. I let go eventually and the two of us made our way back up the steps and onto the sheltered patio. I sat down between Hotch and Morgan and Reid sat across the table on the end beside JJ.

"…You're not eating?" Morgan asked me.

"I ate before I knew we were coming here so I'm not hungry." I smiled politely.

He nodded, although he seemed very unsure, "Okay."

* * *

I had panicked again last night and it frustrated both Hotch and I so much that he ended up going downstairs very late to fill out some paperwork and he fell asleep at his desk. I had woken up before him and I kissed his cheek when I went downstairs this morning to wake him. He was late to work and Jack was late to school, but neither were so late that it was problem. Reid texted me at about eleven this morning and told me that they didn't have a case and that he should finish all his urgent work by one, so I went in around quarter to one and spoke with JJ until he finished up the last file he was completing.

"Do you want to see Hotch before we go down?" Reid asked me as he stood up and took his glasses off.

"Uh…no, no, it's okay."

"Well I think he wants to talk to you because he's been watching you on and off for the last fifteen minutes." Morgan said absently as he continued the work on whatever file was in front of him.

"He kind of told me this morning to tell you to go and see him when you came in…" Reid added quietly.

I sighed, "Fine, I'll only be a minute." I jumped down from the seat I had taken upon my old desk and I walked up the catwalk steps. I knocked on his door and waited until he allowed entry before I walked in. "Hi."

"I didn't think you were going to come up here."

"I wasn't, but then Reid told me that you wanted me to and Morgan said you were watching me, so…"

"We need to talk."

I spoke quickly before he could continue, "If the next words to come out of your mouth are "I think we should see other people", "maybe we should take a break", or "this isn't working", then I'm going to have to ask you not to do this here because I have to go and spend an hour or two with Reid and then I have to come back up here and help Garcia and Morgan with something and I don't want to have to hold back tears for that long."

He shook his head, "I wasn't going to say those things at all. Why do you never believe me when I tell you that I love you too much to leave you over something that will eventually settle."

"…I don't know…" I looked down.

"You need to start to either confront your insecurities with me, on your own, or bring them up with your therapist because they are going to hurt you. I wanted to talk about giving you your job back here."

"…Right now? Like you want to talk about it now?"

"That's why I texted you and asked you to come in earlier than when you were seeing Reid. I know that you have plans for now, so you can go and do them and if you're finished while I'm still in here then you can come back up and we can talk about it or we can wait until tonight."

"I didn't see your text," I took my phone out and looked at it. Of course the notification wouldn't come through but the text itself did. "Sorry, but tonight it's a date."

He smiled, "Don't get caught down in the range with Reid, okay? That's both our arses in trouble."

"I will do my best." I winked as I walked backwards. I turned around and walked out of his office, closing the door back over behind me, and I made my way back down to the bullpen. I motioned for Reid to come and so he stood with a smile and exchanged a few more words with JJ before he followed me quickly. I could see how excited he was just by his posture and how he was walking.

We went down to the shooting range and he had made two checks to ensure that there was no one around that could potentially get me in trouble for using the range when I wasn't an agent, and then we grabbed the safety glasses and earmuffs. We shot round after round until we decided to have some fun and make a game out of it. We had six shots to hit four different places. If we shot all six in the correct place, we won. Two to the head, two to the heart, and one to each shoulder. Whoever lost had to buy the other lunch the next time we were both free. I had always been a better shot than Reid, so I won like I always had in our competitions. You didn't work the occupations I had worked in the past without an almost perfect aim, and the only reason I say _almost_ is because it's near impossible to be exactly perfect. Guns, while you may know yours well, were not always so predictable. They could be dangerous even in the hands of the most trained, familiarised shooter.

About an hour and a half had past before we called it quits. We went back up to the sixth floor and Reid headed straight for the kitchen, already expressing to me on our way up how much he needed coffee today. I walked in the direction of the desks and smiled at Morgan when his eyes met mine. "How long has she been waiting?"

"About a half hour. She's being very impatient." He laughed as he stood. I walked with him down the hall to Garcia's office and he knocked once before walking in. "I come bearing Emily. Can we get this over with now, please?"

I laughed quietly as she rolled her eyes, "Fine, but you better do this right or I'll make you do it all again on your own."

"Don't worry, I've got your back." I whispered to him with a wink.

"See that? That is what a caring friendship is, baby girl. She's got my back." He looked at her. She stuck her tongue out before she handed him a large pile of unsorted papers.

"There's a lot more where that came from. We have to sort all of these to the correct case file and then sort the case files by date, and then we can finally enter them into the system."

"…How many hours are we spending on this, exactly?" I asked as I sat down at one of the empty desks as she passed me a large pile, too.

"Days, honeybun. I'll be needing your assistance for days."


	62. Chapter 62

**Prentiss**

"Look, yeah I want to come back, Aaron, but I can't. If I come back and either of us does one slight thing that indicates any sort of relationship then one of us is going to lose our jobs; probably you. I'd like to think that we could stay strictly professional at work and on cases but we both know that isn't how it'll go at all."

"JJ and Reid do just fine."

"JJ and Reid aren't us. JJ is pregnant, you don't let her out into the field so there's nothing for Reid to protect there except for himself. In the office, they just stick to their paperwork. I can never stick to paperwork without taking a break every hour, a break where I'd probably come and see you. On cases, we both know that you would start pairing me with you instead of Morgan and if a dangerous situation were to arise and I am somehow caught up in it, you'll risk everyone else for me, and if a case involves victims that have any sort of resemblance to me, you won't let me into the field at all. People will catch on, they will know."

"Just give me a chance. A few cases and if it's obvious or I'm favouring you over anyone else or you don't feel comfortable, then you can resign or transfer or something."

"Fine, I'll give it a shot _if_ Cruz even allows me back on the team, because I am going to tell him. I'm not lying or keeping something like this from our section chief."

He nodded, "Okay."

"My appointment is tomorrow morning at ten if you're still coming. After that I will go into the precinct and we can talk to Cruz."

"Are you going to try? Because if you're not going to try or you don't want to come back then I need to start looking at new agents."

"I will try, but if you think someone else is better suited for the job then—"

" _You_ are suited for the job."

"Well then I'll be in tomorrow," I stood up, "Garcia and I are getting dinner, so you and Jack are on your own tonight." I kissed his cheek and I walked out of the room, grabbing my bag as I went. I took my coat from the rack near the door and my keys off the hook they lived on and walked out to my car.

By the time I made it inside the restaurant and greeted Garcia, as soon as we sat down my phone began to ring. I groaned and apologised as I looked at Jack's name flash on the screen with a photo of him and I. My irritation was replaced with concern then; Jack was only really supposed to use his phone for emergencies. "Uhm…it's Jack. I need to get this."

"Go ahead." She smiled politely.

I accepted the call and held the phone to my ear, "Jack?"

"Where are you?" He sounded extremely upset.

"I'm out with Garcia, why? Is everything okay?"

"Do you remember Beth?"

"…Yeah."

"Well she called dad and they talked for a while this morning, but then I yelled at dad for it because he's with you and he shouldn't be talking to Beth, and then we got into an argument, and now Beth is here and they're in the living room talking. She was talking to me like she used to when they were together; she's acting like my mum would, or you would. I don't like her here."

"Do you want me to come home?"

"Only if you're not busy."

"I'll be there soon, Jack." I hung up and looked at Garcia as she watched me, worry in her eyes. I recounted my conversation with him and she insisted on coming back home with me and I let her willingly.

* * *

I parked in the driveway where I always did and Garcia parked out the front behind a car which I only assumed was Beth's. She caught up to me and we walked up the steps and through the front door quietly. I hung my coat, she followed suit, and Jack ran downstairs quickly to greet us. "Did you tell him that you're not comfortable with her here?" I asked the young boy quietly.

He nodded, "Twice."

"Okay, go upstairs with Garcia." I looked at her next to me and she smiled at me before turning to Jack and followed him up the staircase. I walked slowly towards the living room and stood against the archway.

Hotch looked up quickly and his eyes widened as he looked from me to Beth and then back to me, "This is not what it looks like."

"How cliché." I crossed my arms over my chest firmly.

"Emily, it's been—" Beth stood to greet me, but I cut her off quickly.

"Sit down," I stared at her until she sat again slowly, confusion on her face. I looked back at Hotch, "May I please speak with you privately for a moment?" He looked at Beth as he stood and he followed me into the kitchen. I turned around when I knew he was in here and I kept my voice low enough that she wouldn't hear me. "So when your son tells you that he's not comfortable with someone being in his home, do you always just ignore that, or is it just _her_?"

"Emily—"

"I mean, I know that I told you that you could sleep with someone else, but I didn't mean an ex-girlfriend, and I certainly didn't mean _here_."

"I'm not sleeping with her," he shook his head, "She's back from New York for a few days and she asked if she could see Jack and I. I didn't know Jack was going to be so upset about it, but I couldn't just kick her out."

"Yes, you could have. Does she even know that you're not single?"

"I assume so."

"You _assume_ so? You haven't told her?"

"Emily." He gave me an obvious look.

"You don't really think she just wanted to "catch up", do you?"

"I'm getting kind of sick of the jealously you always seem to possess."

"Excuse me? My boyfriend was sitting _way_ too close to his _ex_ -girlfriend on the couch in the house that I share with him, and he was doing it despite how uncomfortable his son was with it, who he would normally do anything to keep happy."

"He isn't your son to protect, and you're beginning to irritate me."

"What the hell is wrong with you tonight? Do you—"

Both of his hands gripped my arms tight enough to hurt and he pushed me against the counter roughly, and I knew it would bruise my lower back where the counter top dug in hard. My words were replaced with a sharp gasp as terror ripped through me. "Just stop!" His voice was like venom.

Tears filled my eyes as I remember everything from Doyle, to Chris, to London. All the violence that I had encountered from other people throughout my life, I thought had stopped now that I was with Hotch. But this told me different. I never thought he would ever come close to scaring me like this, let alone hurting me like he was. I felt like my arms might even bruise too, like they used to when Chris held onto me this tightly. I swallowed my fear and pushed him away roughly before moving past him quickly.

"Emily!" he called out to me as I ran out of the kitchen and up the staircase quickly. Now all I could hear in his voice was regret and guilt.

I ran into the bedroom and started to throw clothes and necessities into the bag that used to be my go-bag. Garcia and Jack came in quickly. "Was he yelling at you?" Garcia asked me.

I nodded, "I'm sorry Jack, I tried to get him to tell her to leave. Do you want to come with me, go to Aunt Jessica's, or stay here?"

He looked down, "Can I go to Aunt Jessica's? He's been scaring me tonight."

"Yeah, I'll call her from the car. Pack a bag quick before he comes up here." I looked at the young boy. He nodded and ran back to his room.

Garcia hadn't said anything else, she just helped me gather my things and threw them into the bag. She asked me what was going on and I recounted the scene in the kitchen for her. She looked so sad, mad, and torn all in one. Once I was packed, we made sure Jack was ready before the three of us made our way downstairs. I gave Jack's coat to him and Garcia grabbed both mine and hers. Hotch walked to the foyer quickly and watched the three of us walk out the front door, speechless as his face filled with remorse. I glanced at him as I grabbed the door to close it behind me, "Sorry you had to deal with me so long." I said quietly before it shut.

"Emily, please!" He called as he opened it again and I ran to the car. I fought my tears while Jack was beside me; he didn't need to think that Hotch was a terrible person or anything. His father was his hero, and I would not say anything to change that. I called Jessica to confirm that it was okay that Jack stay with her for the night. I dropped him off and walked to Garcia's car as she pulled up behind me.

"And where will you be going? I'd offer my place but I feel like it's a bit too small for you, but if that doesn't bother you, or that Kevin might come over tonight, then I'm more than happy to have you."

"You're seeing Kevin again?"

"We're giving it another shot."

I nodded, "That's so great, you two are great together. Uhm, well I can't to go Rossi's because he would either try to convince me that Hotch is amazing or he'd call him and ask him to come over and fix it because he'd hate to see me sad. I can't go to JJ's because she'd want me to talk about it and I don't want to do that right now, and Reid's place is too small, or he's with JJ. So I'll call Morgan and see what they're doing. Otherwise, a hotel will suffice." I nodded again when she gave me an unsure look.

"…Okay, well let me know. I'm going to head home."

"Sorry about having to cancel dinner. Have a good night." I forced a smile. As soon as we were both in our cars and she was driving away, I pulled away from the kerb and my tears began flowing freely down my cheeks. I drove straight to the house that Morgan and Savannah shared and I parked outside for maybe ten minutes before I built up the courage to go to the door.

"Emily," Morgan smiled with surprise in his voice as he opened the door and saw it was me, "It's freezing out, come in." He stepped to the side.

"Thanks." I spoke quietly as I stepped inside. He saw me shiver and he looked into my eyes.

"You've been crying…what happened?"

I sniffed as more tears fell now that he had acknowledged it and I shook my head, "I don't want to talk about it right now," Savannah walked in and gave me a concerned look as she stood with us. I dropped my head into my hand, "I shouldn't have even come here, I'll just go to a hotel. Sorry, enjoy your night."

I turned to leave but Morgan held the door closed and turned my around, "Don't be silly, you're staying here. Do you have a bag in your car?" I nodded in reply and he hugged me before taking my keys from my hand and walking out the front door.

Savannah smiled sympathetically, "Coffee and talk or shower and bed?"

I looked down, "Shower and bed would be great, thanks." I smiled weakly.

* * *

I woke around eight and after fighting myself for twenty minutes, I got up and showered again. Savannah had told me last night that she had an early shift this morning; a seven o'clock start, so I figured I'd be the only one here. Once downstairs, though, I walked into the kitchen to get coffee and I saw Morgan sitting on a stool at the counter island. "Morning sunshine."

"Why aren't you on your way to work?"

"Took the morning off because you need to talk about what happened last night."

"No I—"

"You told me the other week that you were feeling suicidal again. I am _not_ letting this go even another hour without you getting it out."

I sighed and looked down. He stood and poured me a mug of coffee before putting it in front of the stool beside his and he waited patiently for me to walk around the counter and sit down. "Jack called me and asked me to come home last night when I was out with Garcia because Beth came over and he didn't feel comfortable with her being there, so I went home, and I asked to speak to Hotch. He denied that anything was happening with her, but I pushed too hard and he snapped. He held my arms really tight," I looked down and pointed out the faint bruise of the outline of his hand, "And he pushed me really hard against the counter in the kitchen. I have a bruise on my back from that, too. It just scared me, is all. Reminded me a lot of Chris. I was stupid to leave over it."

"Emily, you were _not_ stupid for leaving over that at all, okay? You didn't push too hard for him to snap, he snapped on his own. Nothing you ever do could cause someone to snap like that at someone they love. He knows everything you went through, he should be able to control himself better than that, and that is not fair on you at all. Had he been drinking?"

"I don't know, I didn't look at what was going on around him and Beth and he didn't really look intoxicated, but sometimes he doesn't even when he's pretty bad."

"I hate him for doing that to you and for scaring you like he did."

I shook my head, "It really wasn't as bad as it sounds."

"If he scared and hurt you enough for you to leave him, show up on my doorstep a mess of tears, then yes, it is bad. It is _worse_ than it sounds, because I know you and I know that you wouldn't leave someone like this unless you felt like you really had to."

Tears filled my eyes again and I tried to blink them away, "I just couldn't stay there."

"I know, hey," He pulled me into him and I sobbed into his chest as he held and hushed me, "You can stay here for as long as you need, whether it's another night or another few years."

"Thank you." I whispered as I hugged him, hanging on as if my life depended on it. After a few minutes, I pulled away and wiped my cheeks and eyes. "You should go to work. I have an appointment at eleven anyways. Oh no…Hotch said he was coming to the appointment. I don't want him there. Do you think you—"

"I'll call him." He nodded reassuringly.

"Thank you," I hugged him again before he grabbed his phone and stood. I finished my coffee in the time that he was away and checked all my social media on my phone. Afterwards, I went upstairs and got ready before grabbing my keys and making my way back down. I didn't need to leave here yet but I didn't want to stay here without Morgan or Savannah here too.

"Hey, what are the chances of you taking me to the precinct first? Savannah's car is in the shop and I forgot that I let her take mine. I was supposed to call Reid for a lift last night but I completely forgot."

I nodded, "Yeah, let's go." We walked out and he tried to talk to me casually as we drove, and he was careful to avoid any topic that might upset me or even make me think of Hotch. Morgan asked if I wanted to come in and see the team first but I declined as politely as I could. I don't think I could have beared to see Hotch right now.

After my appointment, I drove to Hotch's place and started to pack the rest of my things into bags and a few boxes I had found. It only took me three trips to get it all to my car and once it was all packed in, I drove back towards the precinct. I had texted JJ after my appointment and asked if they had a case; I was hoping they would so I didn't have to see Hotch, but she informed me that there wasn't one, so I knew I'd have to see him and probably communicate with him. Once there and on the sixth floor, I walked through and smiled as I approached JJ, Morgan, and Reid at their desks.

"Hey there princess." Morgan smiled.

"Hey." I smiled back.

"What is up with Hotch today? He is extremely moody and after a quick chat with us in the round table room, he has been held up in his office all day pacing back and forth with his head in his hands. I don't think he's done one single sheet of paperwork, which is very unlike him." JJ said.

I nodded, "Yeah, our breakup probably has something to do with that." I decided to just get it out there quickly. No dancing around the subject, no suspicions, just straight to the facts.

"…Wait…you broke up?" Reid looked overly alarmed.

I nodded again and only fibbed slightly, "He told me that I'm just not what he wants anymore." I glanced at Morgan and he gave me a sympathetic look.

"What's on your arms?" I heard Garcia's voice behind me, "Oh wait…oh…"

I closed my eyes as I saw JJ and Reid begin to look down at my arms. "What happened!?" JJ stood quickly and approached me. She took one arm and studied the bruise. "It's a hand mark, who the hell—no…he didn't. Tell me he didn't."

Tears filled my eyes, "It really isn't what you think. Hotch didn't do anything wrong. It was an accident from someone else last night." I lied.

"Emily—"

"I promise, he didn't." I looked at Morgan with warning in my eyes, "Excuse me a second, I need to talk to Morgan and Garcia really quick." I smiled. JJ nodded and sat back down at her desk as Morgan stood and the two of them followed me back down the hall to Garcia's office. I closed the door behind them and turned. "Please, please don't tell the other three what happened? They need to respect him and trust him. He doesn't need to be viewed as the bad guy, not by his subordinates."

"Well…I mean he's already lost our respect. Maybe if the other three hate him too then he'll realise what he did."

"He knows, Pen. He knows what he did and he knows that he scared me, and I don't doubt that he regrets it. He's not a bad person."

"You forgive people way too easily. Has he even spoken to you or apologised to you?" Morgan asked me.

I shook my head, "He hasn't had the chance. I'm going up to his office to let him know that I'm leaving and to give him his house key back. I'm sure he'll apologise then."

"And will you forgive him?" Garcia asked.

"It depends on how well he sells it. If it's genuine and he has a reason as to why he would have acted like that and why he wouldn't do it again then sure, but whether I forgive him or not, I'm not going to be staying with him for a while."

Garcia gave me an unsure look but the two of them nodded and vowed not to tell the other three. They both followed me out afterwards, no doubt to watch the show if Hotch didn't lower his blinds. I walked up the steps slowly and stood at his door for a few seconds and took two deep breaths before knocking.


	63. Chapter 63

**Prentiss**

We stood in silence for a short while, him in front of his desk and me standing near the closed door. "Emily—"

"Don't, please. Don't tell me anything that you don't mean sincerely. Don't tell me you're sorry if you knew what you were doing or if you're going to try and make it out like what you did was something that wasn't serious or something that we can just get over and forget about. And don't tell me that you're sorry if you think that you'd ever do it again. Because you know exactly what I've gone through, Aaron, and you still did it. You knew what Chris did and how it affected me, and in that moment I felt like I was with him again."

His eyes burned with tears that I knew he'd never let fall, mostly because he hadn't lowered the blinds and we had both noticed the team watching us. Rossi had since joined them. "Emily, I am so, _so_ sorry," he shook his head, "I was drunk and I didn't think and I was already angry because Beth had come onto me and I had to push her away and she got mad at me for it and we argued about it. I don't know why I did it, I really have no idea why I would have done anything like that. I _never_ wanted to hurt you."

"I want to believe you, I do, but everything inside of me is just telling me to leave. I know that you're not Chris, but I've been in other relationships that started great, but as soon as one thing like this happened, it happened again and again despite their promises that it never would again. I just need some time and space to think, so I'll be out of your place for a while, I'm not sure how long. I already got all my stuff so here's my key. Garcia and Morgan know but I asked them not to tell the other three. I'm assuming Savannah does too and I doubt she'll say anything."

"Please don't." He shook his head as he tried hard to keep his tears from falling. I needed to leave before I cried in front of him, so I bit my lip and closed my eyes as I turned and opened the door. I walked down the steps quickly and heard him call out to me desperately, but I didn't stop. I put my hand over my chest as it began to feel all too hard to breathe and I got out the glass doors as fast as I could. I didn't want to wait at the elevators, so I headed for the stairwell and as soon as I was in there and the door closed, I fell to sit against the wall on one of the steps and started to cry heavily. It hurt so badly and I didn't know where to go or what to do.

About a half hour of crying past before I stood up and walked back up the few steps and back out onto the sixth floor. I walked back through the glass doors and stopped just out of the way of them when I saw Hotch standing with the team. Rossi, facing my direction, spoke, and they all looked at me. I met JJ's eyes and beckoned her over. She stood quickly and walked to me. "You look terrible."

I sobbed, started crying again, and she hugged me tightly. I ignored the fact that the team and Hotch himself were probably watching me cry into JJ's shoulder, but I just needed her hug. I could feel her rounding stomach and it made me smile slightly through the tears.

"God, I wish you could drink with me." I whispered to her.

"What happened to going sober with me?"

"I give up." We parted and I smiled guiltily.

She laughed, "I knew it!" She pulled me with her over to the team and I tried to wipe my eyes before any of them actually saw the tears, "Say it again."

"I said that I give up on going sober with you…"

"Called it, you three all owe me twenty." She pointed to Garcia, Morgan, and Reid.

"…Right, well I'm going to get a drink."

"It's only two in the afternoon!" Reid expressed, raising his eyebrows.

"…Right, well I'm going to get a drink." I repeated myself, "Unless," I looked at Hotch and anger filled me, "Do you need me to pick Jack up this afternoon? I mean, I know he's not _my_ son to protect, but I'm assuming you'll be here, or maybe catching up with—"

"I didn't mean it when I said that, and I told her to leave, Emily. Numerous times."

"I'm sure you did," I nodded, "Do you need me to pick up—" I stopped when I saw long dark hair enter through the glass doors from the corner of my eye and I turned to see Beth, "Oh, for fucks sake. You _clearly_ asked her to leave." I looked back at him and I saw the rest of them look at her.

"Just wait here, please?" He asked as he shook his head and walked towards her, stopping her from coming closer to us. I shook my head and walked away from the team and up the steps to his office. I sat down on the couch and dropped my head into my hands.

Not long had passed before I heard his office door close quietly and I felt him sit down beside me. "God, you sure know how to break a girl." I looked at him with tears on my cheeks.

"I need you to listen to me. Beth called me yesterday and said there was something important she needed to talk to me about and that she was in DC, so I told her I could meet her today. Instead, she showed up at our door and I thought that inviting her in and talking to her then would have been easier than seeing her today. I thought it would be a five-minute conversation, I offered a glass of wine, to which she kept refilling her own wine glass and my scotch glass. Jack came downstairs and he got angry, and then he went back upstairs, and Beth started talking about how much she missed him and I. I told her that she was never the one for me, but I never actually said I was seeing someone, I'll admit. It just seemed implied to me, but apparently not. She tried to kiss me but I pulled back and told her that I had moved on a long time ago and that she needed to leave. She didn't listen, she yelled at me and accused me of abusing her feelings. I defended myself and I tried to explain that I was with you, but she cut me off and wouldn't listen. I asked her to leave again, she refused again. That's when you came home. I promise you, as soon as you left, I kicked her out."

"I'm not so sure I believe all of that, considering she just showed up here, but that's not even my main problem right now, Aaron. You hurt me. You _terrified_ me. You had promised me that I would never have to go through anything like that again after Chris, but in the split second, all I saw was him."

"I know, and I have never regretted anything more in my life. I am so sorry, Emily," He looked down at my arms and caressed the bruises, "I hate myself even more than Morgan and Garcia and you combined."

"I don't hate you. Morgan and Garcia, well they'll hate you for a little while and then move on, but I don't hate you. I just don't trust you right now…so I need a break," He closed his eyes and dropped is head into his hands, "Hey, it won't be forever. As soon as I can come to terms with what happened and I feel like I can trust you again, then I can come back…assuming that's what you want."

"I don't even want you to leave. I don't know how long I'll be able to stand without you."

"You can still see me. We can go out for drinks or dinner, or you can come to wherever I'm staying, or I can come to your place; I just can't be _living_ with you right now."

He lifted his head quickly and his hand tangled in the hair at the back of my neck as he pulled my head to his and he caught my lips in his. Only a second passed before I reciprocated and my hand rested on his cheek, the familiar feeling of his jaw bone under my fingers making my heart flutter. It only lasted seconds before I pulled away and stood up. I heard him sigh quietly and I looked at him. "Just know that I am always going to love you, no matter what," I nodded, "I don't know whether I'll be staying with Morgan or not yet, I'll see how it all pans out."

"Please let me know where you're staying and please at least text – if not call – me every day to just let me know that you're okay?"

I nodded, "I will."

"I love you, Emily. So much." He assured as I walked to the door.

I smiled sadly with tears in my eyes and looked at him again, "I love you, too." I opened the door and looked down before walking out and closing it behind me. I walked down the steps and looked at the team.

"…It was him, wasn't it?" JJ asked me hesitantly.

"He really didn't mean it at all." I assured with a weak smile.

"So you've broken up?" Reid asked for confirmation.

"I'd prefer to say that we're "taking a break"." I rephrased the wording that I had used previously when I had first gotten here. I nodded and said goodbye as I heard Hotch's office door open again. I left the precinct this time, refusing to cry again until I was at least in my car. I realised after driving for five minutes that I had just began driving towards home absentmindedly, just on autopilot. I had to turn around and head back in the direction or Morgan's place instead. Thankfully, Savannah had gotten home not long ago and was now there to distract and entertain me.

* * *

The team had all come to Morgan's after work, all except Hotch. We played card games and had a few drinks, we played shots roulette, and we talked a lot. JJ had stuck with water all night, the others with either wine, beer, or scotch for Rossi, and I was a mix of these three options as well as vodka.

"…So do you want to talk about it?" Savannah asked me hesitantly after Reid had made a comment about how much I seemed to be drinking tonight.

"Absolutely not." I threw back another shot of vodka.

"Do you still love him?" JJ asked.

"I said I didn't want to talk about," I looked her. She tilted her head and waited, and I sighed in defeat, "Yes."

"And are you going to go back to him?"

"…I don't know. Probably. Yes."

"Well which one is it?" Morgan asked.

"Yes," I pushed my hair back, "I mean, he didn't mean it at all and he was drunk and previously angry. And I will admit that I'm a little too irritating sometimes. He seemed genuinely sorry, it's just that sometimes I can't read him as well as I normally do so I don't know what to think about how far the extent of his apology goes."

"If it makes it any easier for you, he talked to me and he _is_ sincerely and truly sorry. He really does hate himself for it." Rossi chimed in quietly. I smiled appreciatively and nodded.

I bit my lip when I realised that they were all expecting me to say something, so I picked up the deck of cards in the centre of the table and started dealing them out quickly. My phone had been vibrating on the table all night, mostly caused by texts. A few times it had been calls, but I didn't answer a single call or reply to a single text. I knew it was Hotch, I didn't even bother looking. I just needed a night without thinking too hard about it before I really…well…started thinking about it. I didn't know what the team thought about me already knowing that I'd be going back to him. From their facial expressions, they had differing opinions on the matter. Morgan looked as if me saying that was ridiculous. Reid looked a mix of confused and curious, JJ had just nodded and looked as if she was already expecting me to have made that decision. Garcia didn't really show much, she just looked down and sipped her drink when I had said it. Savannah had just shaken her head, and Rossi seemed almost proud.

After the next card game, I stood and took a few empty beer bottles to the recycling bin in the next room. I heard someone follow me and I waited for whoever it was to speak. "Don't let anyone else effect what you do about this situation. Don't listen to the girls or Morgan or Reid about the matter, because it's about you and Aaron and only the two of you." Rossi spoke quietly.

"Some of them didn't seem too happy to hear that I already know that I'll go back to him, but you looked…I don't know…almost proud."

"I am," he nodded. I gave him a puzzled look so he elaborated, "I'm proud that you're not exactly taking into account their opinions. If there's one thing this team does, it's help each other through whatever situation is occurring, but sometimes it isn't our place. I'm glad that you're able to decide what you want for you and Aaron, and not make a decision based on what they believe you should do. If you really believe that he didn't intend on hurting you and that he never will again, then that's what you believe. If you think that it would be better for the two of you to separate, maybe take some time apart, or break up completely, then that's what you think. My point is, do what _you_ think is right. You can ask for advice and information, but never ask for opinions if the opinions are going to affect your final decision."

I smiled at him appreciatively, "Thank you, Rossi."

"And my place is always open if you need it." He assured before he turned and walked back out. I bit my lip and looked down at my phone as I took it from my pocket. I wanted to call him, just to hear his voice. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours and I missed him, but that was probably just because of the situation we were in. I settled for a text instead, and I only sent a quick "goodnight" with two x's following. Only seconds past before he texted back with "I love you" and it made me smile. I heard Morgan call me, so I grabbed a few more beers for whoever needed more and walked back to the team, slipping my phone into my pocket.


	64. Chapter 64

**Prentiss**

My first week out of Hotch's house I spent at Morgan and Savannah's place. I had gone to Hotch's once that week for dinner with him and Jack. The second week was when I began staying at Rossi's; I had eaten dinner with Hotch and Jack once at their place and once out with Rossi as well. The third week, I ate dinner with them once, lunch once, had drinks out after Hotch finished work one night, and took Jack out for a day. It was nearing the end of my fourth week out. I hadn't seen Hotch at all because they had a case all week, but tonight he called and asked if I could come home yet; their case was a bad one and I knew all he wanted was my company.

I had dinner with Rossi and let him speak to me about the case first to get it off his chest; it was tough on all of them. I offered the support I could until he retired to his study to do some work before he went to bed, and so I said goodbye and kissed his cheek. I had packed a small bag and I made the drive to Hotch's place.

Once there, I wasn't sure whether to knock or just walk right in, so I stood at the door for a few minutes as I contemplated which to do. The door opened as I went to knock and I looked up at Hotch. "…Why are you standing outside?"

"I was just—no reason," I changed my mind and shook my head. He stepped out of the way and I walked in, "No Jack? You should have told me; I would have come over earlier."

"I knew that Dave would have wanted you there for a little while first; he missed you."

I nodded and kissed him quickly as a more acknowledging greeting but as I pulled away, he put his hand through my hair and brought my lips back to his. I responded immediately and dropped my bag as he pushed me back gently into the wall. After he moved from my lips to my jaw and then down my neck, I pushed him back softly, "Aaron…Aaron." He groaned as he pulled away and turned his head. "Hey," I put my hand on his cheek and made him look at me again, "I'm not freaking out, I just thought that you'd want to talk about the case first."

"I don't want to talk about it, I just don't want to think about it."

"So you called me here tonight to distract you. I'm basically a booty call."

"Considering we haven't had sex in over a month, I didn't call you here for a booty call, I called you here to be my girlfriend."

"But like, sex isn't off the table?" I asked him as he kissed back down my neck.

He pulled back and raised his eyebrows at me, "Are you really up for it?"

I rolled my eyes, "I've been seeing a sex therapist, remember? I didn't just go twice and give up." He smiled and his hands fell from my hips to the back of my thighs just under my arse, so I jumped and wrapped my legs around his waist as he kissed down to my collarbone and then the top of my breasts. I ran my hand through his hair and closed my eyes. He stopped momentarily to walk upstairs before kissing back up my neck. He kicked his bedroom door closed behind him and he dropped me onto his bed. I giggled to myself as he basically ripped my shirt from my body, and he removed my bra quickly and devoured me.

"Let me know if you change your mind, okay?" he asked as he kissed down my stomach and unbuttoned my jeans slowly. I reassured him by lifting my hips up to him quickly. He took his time between my legs, deliberately leaving me writhing beneath him. I eventually pulled his hair to lift his head back up to mine and I kissed him hard as I flipped us over. I took his shirt off him quickly, actually ripping the hem slightly as I did. I apologised quietly as I moved down him and removed his pants and boxers, and I didn't wait or tease. I went straight to work, but he made me stop after minutes.

I laughed quietly to myself as he flipped us back over and hovered over me, "You're not going to last very long, are you?" I joked.

"Give me a break; it's been over a month." He rolled his eyes. He took it slow and gentle, continually asking me if I was okay. While irritating, it showed how much he cared all the same.

* * *

I woke up to hot kisses down my neck and his hand moving down to between my thighs. Afterwards, I went to shower, to which he had ended up joining me in.

He headed off to work at about eight and I called Rossi as I walked out of the house once I finished my coffee. "Rossi." He greeted in a tired voice.

"You sound terrible."

"It seems I've come down with a bad case of the flu. I've called in to Aaron sick and everything."

"Oh, are you okay?" Concern filled me.

"It's probably just the weather change; I'll be fine in a few days."

"Okay, well I'm on my way back. Do you want me to pick anything up?"

"No, it's okay. Thank you, mio caro."

"Alright, I'll see you soon." I hung up as I pulled out of Hotch's driveway and I started back towards Rossi's house. I stopped in at the store on my way and picked up ingredients for chicken noodle soup, some Gatorades, a few basic grocery items that I noticed he hadn't had last night, some saltine crackers, and three different types of medications recommended for the flu; I wasn't sure if he had any medication or what he has or hasn't tried.

When I finally got home and got all the groceries inside, I went up to his room with a glass of water, a Gatorade, and the boxes of medications. I opened the door quietly and saw him asleep with a book laying open on his chest, his lamp on a dull setting and the curtains closed. I walked over as silently as I could and placed the glass, bottle, and boxes down on his nightstand. I put his bookmark in the page it was open on, put it on his nightstand, and turned the lamp out. I smiled as I looked at him and made sure his blankets were covering him. I went back downstairs and sat down on the couch, pulling the thin throw quilt from the back of the couch and wrapping it around me. I flicked through channels for a while before I opened Netflix and found a movie instead.

I only got fifteen minutes into the movie before I heard his footsteps upstairs. I paused it and got up quickly before going up to find him. "Hey, you're sick, go back to bed." I stopped him as I reached the top of the staircase and he was about to walk down.

"I'm fine."

"You even _look_ terrible. Come on, bed."

"What if I bring a blanket and that Gatorade down and watch a movie instead?" He asked.

I thought about it before nodding, "That sounds acceptable. I will make you some soup, too." I walked to his room before he could and I pulled the thick blanket from the bed and grabbed the water, Gatorade, and medications. I smiled as I walked past him and made my way back downstairs. I saw him shake his head out the corner of my eye as I past him, and I heard him follow behind me. I dropped all his things into the living room and he sat down on the couch as I walked into the kitchen. I got to work in the kitchen to make the soup for him.

Once I finished cooking and I made myself a small salad to eat, I sat down on the couch beside him and leant on him as we ate and continued to watch the movie that I had been watching previously.

* * *

"Get her out of my house." Rossi almost begged the team as they entered and greeted us.

I sat up with a big smile and looked at him as JJ spoke, "Don't lie, you're absolutely loving the attention."

"I will admit, I had forgotten how it felt to be cared for. Mostly how irritating it gets."

"Oh, come on, it has not been that bad. I let you out of your room, didn't I? Give me a break, I have nothing to do all day every day and Hotch won't let me get a job."

"…You won't let her get a job?" Morgan raised his eyebrows at his boss.

"The only jobs she has talked to me about are bartending in lowlife bars."

"They're just normal bars," I shook my head.

"No." Hotch said adamantly.

"I'm bored!" I complained.

"Then come back to the bureau." Reid shrugged his shoulders. I rolled my eyes before I stood up and motioned for him to follow me. He trailed a step behind me as I walked into the next room. "What's up?" He asked once I turned around.

I kept my voice low, "Last night was my first night back at Hotch's," I began. I took a deep breath before continuing, "But in the few weeks beforehand, I wanted to…again…and I still do."

He whispered now, "Are you talking about killing yourself or using again?"

"Using."

"Do you want to go back to that support group on Monday?"

"I honestly don't think I can wait until Monday. It's bad, Reid. _Really_ bad."

"Have you told Hotch?"

I shook my head, "I can't do this to him again. He thinks I'm completely over it. He'll be so mad if he finds out that I've been lying and keeping this from him."

"What about Rossi? Or anyone else?"

"I don't want to disappoint Rossi and I know the others will tell either of them. You're the only one who's not going to tell them." I waited for him as I watched him think about it before he nodded.

"Well then we need to distract you, and you need to think of Jack. The thought of him is going to be the number one reason for you not to relapse. Just remember that you're his female role model and he depends on you to keep both him and Hotch afloat. You're their lifeline."

"Hardly." I shook my head.

"Emily, you _are_ their lifeline." He nodded. My lips parted as I doubted his words and I thought about it. He knew that would be the end of our conversation, and he left the room, probably to try and get the team to do something to distract me.

I drank back two glasses of water before I heard Hotch's footsteps and his voice, "What are you doing in here?"

"Am I your lifeline?" I turned around and looked at him.

"…I'm sorry?"

"Am I your lifeline? Your salvation?"

"Yes, why?" He gave me a suspicious look. I closed my eyes and let out a defeated breath as I dropped my head, shaking it. He approached me slowly and placed a hand on my forearm, "Emily, are you okay?"

"No," I looked up and held my tears back, "I've been lying to you."

He lifted his head more and his features, while still extremely suspicious, also turned concerned, "Emily…"

"You asked me a few weeks ago if I had used since the last time and I hadn't, I still haven't. You then asked me, though, if I had been having any cravings and I denied that too but I lied. It started up again when the whole dilemma with Beth happened and it hasn't stopped since."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to worry you, and you wanted to reinstate me and I knew that if you found out, then you wouldn't let me back. But Reid just spoke about how I am your "lifeline" and I'm Jack's female role model and I feel so guilty for lying and for craving and for just…being a fucking mess."

"Emily, stop. You're not a mess, and you shouldn't be _sorry_ about craving. I am worried, and now I have to postpone your reinstatement, but sweetheart, the whole team can help you out with this."

"I don't want the whole team to know," I shook my head, "The disappointment in Rossi's eyes when he knew about last time, it killed me. The pity in the other's faces," My eyes filled with tears again and they dripped down my cheeks, "Reid is the only one who understands what it's like. Just telling you makes me hate myself more than you could ever imagine." I sobbed and he pulled me into his arms tightly. I wrapped my arms around his torso and held myself as closely as I could. "I'm so sorry." I whispered to him.

"It isn't your fault, Emily. It's okay," He kissed my hair and ran his fingers up and down my right arm, "I love you so much." He assured quietly. I had no doubt that he knew that I felt like he couldn't love me like this. I closed my eyes in his embrace and my body relaxed against his. I was so tired, so exhausted, and even though I was standing up, I felt my body become heavier, falling closer to sleep by the minute. "Let's go home and you can rest, okay?"

"No, Rossi's sick," I pulled away quickly but lazily and rubbed my eyes. I didn't really get any sleep last night, and the past month had been long and exhausting, "I've got to stay here until he feels better."

"Rossi is a grown man who can take care of himself."

"Rossi doesn't take care of himself _properly_."

He sighed, "Okay, you win, but you call me if you have any sort of craving when if I'm not with you, and if I am, you tell me straight away, okay?"

I nodded, "I promise."


	65. Chapter 65

**Prentiss**

I stretched out my neck and my back slowly as I waited. Weeks had passed, I hadn't given into my cravings, I was never panicked with Hotch anymore, I was feeling better. I had a lengthy meeting with Cruz this morning and now I sat in the bullpen silently as he, Hotch, and Rossi spoke in his office. I had felt the other three watching me every so often but they stuck to their work silently, and Garcia had been in her office all morning. I picked at my nails impatiently as I stared at the ground beneath my feet. I was sitting on the chair to my old desk, but I refused to sit _at_ the desk. It wasn't mine, it probably wouldn't be mine again. I couldn't see Cruz evaluating everything that happened and then hearing that Hotch and I were in a relationship and deciding that I would be a good suit for the team.

After a while, I saw the glass doors open and the three of them walk into the bullpen from out the corner of my eye, but I kept my eyes down. "Prentiss, if I could have a word with you and Agent Hotchner in his office?" Cruz asked calmly. I looked up at my name and nodded as I stood once his request was spoken. Rossi winked at me and sat atop my old desk. Hotch motioned for me to walk first, and so I stepped in front of the two and into Hotch's office. I stood inside and waited for the two to join me; I wasn't sure whether to sit or not, so I decided against it for now. Hotch closed the door behind him and Cruz looked between us before motioning to the sofa. I glanced at Hotch before walking over and sitting down slowly. He sat down beside me, although left a safe and professional distance between us, and we both looked at Cruz.

"I want to reinstate you, assuming you pass the psychological exam," Cruz looked at me, "But I need to know that if the two of you are in a relationship, that it doesn't get in the way. You need to be professional on cases, you need to be able to put each other at risk in the field. What happens after hours is between the two of you and doesn't matter to me and I'm assuming it doesn't matter to your team, but if anyone in your team is uncomfortable, or if any of them claim that the two of you are anything less than professional, then something needs to be done. Whether the two of you…put your jobs first, so to speak, or one of you resigns, that'll be up to you."

"But if I pass this psychological exam and we're strictly professional during work hours and our team is comfortable, then it's fine?"

He nodded, "I will interview your team briefly today while you complete the exam, and after your first, second, and third cases, I will check in with each one of them and see how it's panning out."

I nodded, "Thank you."

"Assuming this all goes your way today, you'll be starting back first thing Monday, unless of course, a case arrives before then."

I nodded again and stood as I shook his hand. Hotch did the same and we watched him walk out after telling me when to be downstairs ready for the exam. I turned to him and smiled, "I'm back, baby."

"Well, now that is not professional." He shook his head with a smirk as I winked.

"Oh, well I'm not officially back until Monday, so I have until then to be _un_ professional."

"Oh yes, I'm sure that's what he meant."

"Yeah, so we can just fuck in your office now and get it out of the way before professionalism is required?" I joked.

"Charming," He nodded as he walked past me and out of his office. I laughed as I followed him down the catwalk steps, "No, really, that is exactly something that convinces me that you'll have no problem being professional."

"Well what can I say? I'm a natural." I continued to joke as we stood with the team.

He shook his head and I laughed to myself as I looked down briefly before looking around at my team. I smiled as I did, seeing their smiles. My eyes met Rossi's and he winked at me. I smiled appreciatively at him; I knew that he have supplied a large amount of influence in Cruz's decision.

Fifteen minutes has passed as I stood with my family and listened to them talk and tease each other. Rossi was feeling rather witty today, and he used his jokes mostly to draw laughs from JJ and Garcia. I knew how much he loved to hear the three of us laughing; it always made him happier and smile more, but I hadn't been listening enough for him to hear my laugh too. Honestly, I wasn't so sure that I was ready to come back. I still had some bad days, and on those days I found it hard to function and complete basic human tasks like eat or shower, let alone come into work and save someone new. It would be really hard when I had my next bad day, and I knew that it would be hard to keep it from Hotch, but it wasn't like he could let me come in if he knew. Even if I wasn't ready, I was sick of sitting at home all day and trying to find things to do to keep myself moving; I didn't like sitting still. I needed to be working again, I just wasn't exactly sure how much working I could possibly do.

I headed out after another five minutes and I went downstairs to where I was told to be by now. I waited until Cruz told me to go in and I took a deep breath to calm myself as I walked into the dead silent room.

* * *

I wasn't confident that I would pass that exam at all, despite the fact that we wrote the damn thing, but I sat up in the conference room with my team as we waited for the results. I expressed my thoughts that I wouldn't have passed, but they were all adamant to believe that there was no way I didn't. About forty minutes had passed before Cruz walked in and stood in front of the table. "So…while your answers weren't exactly what we were looking for to determine if your state was well enough to work, they weren't exactly answers that indicated that you _weren't_ well enough to work. I discussed it with two of the bureau therapists and Agent Hotchner, and we came to our conclusion..."

I raised my eyebrows and waited for him to continue after his deliberate "suspenseful" pause. We had all profiled him by now; I was back. Still, we let him do this his way.

I stood up as he held his hand out to me and I shook it. "Welcome back, Agent Prentiss."

"Thank you." I smiled and nodded. He handed a copy of my results over to Hotch and left the room.

"Yes!" Garcia expressed her excitement as she stood and hugged me. The others all stood and welcomed me back with smiles.

I shook my head and took the file from in front of Hotch, "I honestly should not have passed that."

"Your answers were confident and they weren't questionable." Hotch shook his head.

"…Right, well, now I just hope I remember how to profile."

"You knew you were back the moment he walked through that door like the rest of us did. You still got it," Morgan winked. He held his closed fist out across the table and I mirrored him, fist bumping him and holding it there, "It'll be good to have my partner back in the field."

I smirked as we dropped our arms and looked at Hotch as he closed the file after viewing it after I had, and he looked at me, "You get your old desk back," he looked around at the others, "You have work to do."

I watched them all walk out slowly and I looked around at the conference room. I had missed the precinct a lot while I was away; it had been like my home, it even made my apartment feel like only a second home, until one day it just didn't feel like that anymore. I was glad that the feeling was back. I smiled to myself before I turned to walk out, but stopped short when I saw Hotch in the doorway.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, I was just…reminiscing."

He looked at me a second longer before reverting his eyes down and an intake of breath, "Prentiss, if you're not ready—"

"I am," I cut him off, "I _am_ ready. Really, I was just thinking."

"Okay." He turned and walked back down the catwalk and I followed behind him after a few seconds.

I walked down to my desk and saw a small pile of manila folders awaiting me. I opened the top one as I sat down and saw the paperwork; return papers. I didn't remember doing this much paperwork when I came back last time. I smirked as I thought about it and realised that last time, Hotch probably would have filled out the majority of it, and this time he gave it all to me to complete.

"Yeah, he thought it wasn't very fair that we all had so much paperwork and you didn't, so he gave you _all_ of the return papers, even the ones he's _meant_ to fill out." JJ smiled at me.

"When do you go on maternity leave?" I asked quietly as I took a pen from the holder in front of me and began on the paperwork.

"I refuse to leave until I've actually given birth."

"You're just going to sit in the office like you did with Henry?"

"Yeah, I'll keep travelling until either I'm not allowed or Spence or Hotch refuse to let me, and then I'll stay here and help Garcia. It's not like there's much for me to do elsewhere anyways. Henry is either at school or with Will and I'd just be bored and lonely."

"Oh, well that wouldn't be good for the baby at all." I smirked as I found an excuse for her.

"Never," She smirked, "And we've decided that we're keeping the gender a surprise from everybody, including ourselves."

"Oh, surprise babies are the best babies…unless the pregnancy is a surprise and you're fifteen. Then it's devastating." We both laughed quietly before returning to our work again. I did find myself getting distracted a lot more often and easier than I used to, but I kept realising quickly and reverting my attention back to my work. Only once had Morgan had to pull me back to reality from my thoughts. It wasn't like it was a bad thing, it would just become a bit irritating if it continued. I'm sure the short attention span would go away once I was back into the swing of things.

* * *

I lay down on my stomach above the covers on Hotch's bed with my head resting in my arms, looking to the side. Jack had gone to bed an hour ago and was sound asleep when I checked about twenty minutes ago, and Hotch was only just getting out of the shower. I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath. My back was sore from being at my desk all afternoon and my eyes felt like I had been straining them. I was just tired. I heard the ensuite door open and close quietly, but I didn't hear footsteps or Hotch's voice. Suddenly, I felt my hair pull back rather roughly and it made me smile as he lifted my head from my arms from the tug and he kissed down my neck. He let go of my hair and kissed the back of my head before his hands found my hips and he flipped me over swiftly. I smiled at him as he climbed half over me and kissed me passionately. I lifted one leg to bend against his waist and he pinned both my hands above my head near the headboard. I moaned as he tugged on my bottom lip, and then he pulled back and smirked at me.

"And what has gotten into you tonight, Agent Hotchner?"

"What do you mean?" he asked as he bit my neck and then soothed the sting by licking over it lightly.

"You're being rough. You _hate_ being rough." I smiled and resisted a moan as he bit again, harder this time.

He lifted his head and tugged gently on my earlobe with his teeth, "But you don't." He slapped under my thigh of my raised leg quickly where it met the bottom of my arse and I moaned much louder than I usually would this early into a night with him.

"Harder." I let out in a breath, and he did as I asked. He continued to trail kisses and bites down my body as he tugged my shorts down and stopped when he met the low cut of my underwear.

"I will never understand…" he said quietly as he flipped me over again and pulled me to bend. He slapped the right side of my arse hard and I laughed as I moaned. He began to pull my underwear down slowly and I bit my lip to keep my breathing quieter.

* * *

Hotch's alarm sounded at five-thirty like it did every morning and it woke me up. I groaned and buried my face further into my pillow. I felt him move beside me and then the alarm stopped, and a second later I felt him caress my arse carefully, "I bruised you. I'm so sorry."

I turned my head to face him, but left it resting half against the pillow and half against my arm, "That means it was _good_." I assured sleepily.

"It's a clear handprint. That is not good." He shook his head and I saw the guilt in his eyes when he looked into mine.

I shook my head as I sat up and I held his cheek gently so he couldn't look away from me, "Aaron, it's okay. Last night goes into my top five favourite nights with you."

"I hurt you."

"I asked you to do that," I moved to straddle his hips, "And I am sure that I'll ask you again one day – because that was amazing – but I understand if you don't ever want to again."

"How do you enjoy that?"

I shook my head, "I honestly couldn't tell you. The first time I tried it, it was kind of like a form of self-harm; that was when I was super depressed as a teenager. I guess I just enjoyed the feelings it gave me."

"So you asked me to hurt you because you think you deserve it?"

I shook my head again, "No, I asked you— I don't know, it's hard to explain. Can we just drop it, please?" I kissed him softly, but he didn't really respond like he usually would. "Aaron, don't worry about it. I won't ask ever again. Well…I might, but I know that it'll always be a no."

"You're too precious to bruise." He whispered before he pulled my lips down to his gently. After returning his kiss, I slid down slightly and lay tightly against him, burying my head in his chest. I let out a relaxing breath as he started to play with my hair while his arms held me to him. He usually would have gotten up and into the shower by now, but I was too busy enjoying his company. He always got to the office too early anyways, it wasn't like laying with me for another ten minutes would make him late. I felt him kiss my hair and I felt myself begin to slip back into sleep.

I woke again after about twenty minutes, "I'm sorry sweetheart, I tried to move you without waking you."

"It's okay." I said quietly as I rolled off him, laying back on my side with my back to him.

"…You're not mad that I'm getting up, are you?"

"No, I'm not." I rolled onto my back and smiled adoringly at him. He lasted longer than I thought he would.

He placed a kiss on my forehead as he got up, "I promise, case or not, that I will lay with you for hours tonight."

"Case or not? What happened to being professional?"

"Who on our team is going to care if you're in my room?"

"Hmm, Morgan, but only because he knows it would irritate me."

He snickered as he kissed my hair and then walked towards the ensuite as he spoke, "Go back to sleep."

I tried to go back to sleep like he had said, but I was awake now, so I went downstairs instead and put a fresh pot of coffee on. I sat down at the dining table and flicked through the top file on his stack he had sitting there while I waited for the coffee, and then I picked at my nails as I drank it slowly.

"…You okay?" He spoke softly from the archway. I hadn't noticed him there and I jumped slightly at his words, "Sorry." He smiled and kissed my temple before pouring himself a mug of coffee.

"It's okay, and yes I'm okay." He sat down across from me and opened the file I had read before, and he picked his pen up to continue the paperwork attached. I smiled as he immediately became engrossed in his work, and then I heard the faint sound of Jack's alarm sound upstairs, "I'm taking Jack to school this morning, yes?" I asked him quietly.

He looked up, "Not if you don't want to."

"I don't mind, but I was thinking last night that you haven't really spent much time with him lately. He likes when you take him, and I also think that you should take him out somewhere this weekend. He misses you."

"Did he tell you that?"

"That he misses you? No, but I can tell."

"…I have something important early this morning, so I need to be at work before he needs to be at school." He looked torn.

"And that's okay, but maybe take him out for dinner tonight if we don't have a case?"

He hesitated before he nodded, "I will." I nodded and looked back down as I picked at my nails. "…Is something else bothering you? You're picking at them again." I clasped my hands together so that I'd stop and I smiled at him.

I shook my head, "I'm fine, I swear." I wasn't having such a great morning, but it would pass. He looked suspicious but he let it slide and continued his paperwork until he finished his coffee. He prepared Jack's oatmeal and orange juice and sat with him for a while before he kissed both our cheeks and left for work. Jack and I both got ready and left soon after.


	66. Chapter 66

" _What the hell?"_

" _Pumpkin, what is going on?"_

" _Get here now!"_

I looked at the texts from JJ, Garcia, and Reid as I walked into the precinct with Morgan. "What is going on up there?" I asked myself quietly as he read the texts from my phone. We walked quicker and stood in comfortable silence while we waited for the elevator to take us up to the sixth floor. Upon exiting the elevator, I saw JJ and Reid talking near the glass doors. Reid pointed out our arrival and JJ turned around.

"Explain yourself."

"What?" I questioned.

"…You didn't order the flowers? But you have to sign off on them." Reid spoke almost to himself, like he was trying to figure out what was going on.

I shook my head and glanced through the doors where I saw Garcia arguing with a delivery man. That wasn't what caught my eye, though. It was the few vases sitting on desks nearby filled with red roses. I walked through the doors slowly, the other three following me, and I looked around to the other side of the bullpen where our desks were. It seemed that our side of the bullpen was coated in red roses, and some of the B team's area as well. There were a few vases in the breakroom too, but most of them were around my desk. I spotted the light of candles scattered around on desks and my eyes filled with tears.

"Wow, there's got be like a thousand roses here…" Morgan said.

"Exactly a thousand. Not nine-hundred and ninety-nine, not one-thousand and one. One thousand…and two dozen candles. Are you Agent Emily Prentiss?" The delivery man offered me the board with the sheet of paper for me to sign, and I signed quickly before thanking him quietly.

"You're teary. Why are you crying?" Garcia asked.

"Shh, it was Hotch." JJ whispered, putting it together. I saw the four of them out the corner of my eye, watching from against the window of the breakroom.

I looked up towards his office and saw him descending the few steps slowly. Rossi was standing up on the catwalk, leaning forwards on the railing. I shook my head as he approached me. "I know, you wanted a nicer setting than a hospital and this isn't much better, but it's the best I could do."

"Oh my god," I shook my head as I spoke quietly, "You didn't have to do all of this." He smiled before he dropped down onto one knee, taking my hands in his. I bit my lip to keep my sob back.

"Emily Elizabeth Prentiss, will you marry me?"

I took in a breath and nodded quickly, "Yes, yes I'll marry you." A few tears dripped onto my cheeks as I watched him slide the ring onto my finger. It was beautiful, simple yet elegant with a round diamond. "I love it." I whispered before pulling him up and pressing my lips to his. I heard clapping around the bullpen and ignored it the best I could as I slid my arms around his neck and buried my face into his shoulder. "And I love you, so much." I added.

"I love you, Emily." He returned. I didn't want to ever let go of him again as he held me so tightly to him. I felt his lips press to my hair and I opened my eyes to see Rossi still on the catwalk behind him. When his eyes met mine, he smiled at me and winked. Eventually, Hotch and I parted and I smiled at him and dropped my head as I heard Morgan, JJ, and Garcia whistle at us. He spun me around as JJ and Garcia approached us and he shook Rossi's hand as he made his way down into the bullpen. JJ assessed the ring and commended Hotch on his decision. Garcia hugged me tightly before moving to hug Hotch too. Morgan kissed my check as he hugged me, as did Reid and Rossi as well. Other agents around the bullpen congratulated us as the day went on.

* * *

I looked him up and down as I walked a step behind him into the restaurant. He thought it would be a good idea for us to celebrate our engagement, but he also thought it might make it a bit more special for Jack if we were out when we told him tonight. I glanced at my ring and played with it silently as Hotch spoke to the woman who would seat us. I wasn't sure how Jack would feel. Sure, he had spoken in the past about his father and I getting married, and me spending the rest of my life with them, and children, but I didn't know if he'd really like the news. He remembers and loves Haley so much, and I don't want him to think that I'm trying to replace her or claim him as my own.

I stayed rather quiet as Jack and Hotch spoke, and once we ordered our meals, I sipped at my martini and saw Hotch looking at me. I met his eyes and he motioned to Jack, as if asking permission to tell him now. I nodded and placed my glass down slowly. "Jack, we need to talk to you about something," Hotch said to his son softly. Jack looked between us expectantly and then left his eyes to rest on Hotch as he continued, "Do you remember a little while ago when I asked you if you would mind if Emily became a permanent part of our family?" The young boy nodded. "Well this morning, I asked Emily if she would marry me, and she said yes."

"Does that mean there will be a party and then the three of us will be a family?"

I laughed to myself quietly; of course a party would be the first thing he thinks of. Hotch laughed too and nodded, "Yeah buddy, there will be a party, and then we will officially be a family."

"But Jack," I spoke quietly and looked at him as his eyes turned to me, "If you don't want me to be a part of you and daddy's family, then that's okay too; you can tell us that."

"No, it's okay. I'm excited!"

I smiled at him and winked, causing him to smile again. There was a small children's playroom and he then asked Hotch if he could go play until our meals came, and Hotch allowed him easily. He looked at me once Jack disappeared into the room to our right, and he took my hand gently. I smiled at him adoringly and tilted my head, "What?"

"Nothing, you just make me so happy."

I smiled wider and leant over to press a soft kiss against his lips, "I love you so much."

"I am…going to show you how much I love you later tonight." He pressed two playful kisses on my lips. I laughed quietly and squeezed his hand.

"I need to ask you a favour." I said quietly.

"Anything." He looked at me curiously.

"Tomorrow, or just as soon as you can, can you please speak to Jack without me around and just make sure that this is actually okay with him? I don't want him to think that he has no choice, or that he has to accept it for you. If he's uncomfortable with it, then maybe we should hold off for a little while?"

He nodded, "I will talk to him, and I will make sure that he is one hundred percent okay with this."

"Thank you." I kissed him again, and then he changed the topic to which month or season I would prefer the wedding to be held in. I wasn't long before our meals arrived and I went to find Jack. He ran up to me excitedly when he saw me and pulled me over to see what he had built with big blocks in the corner of the room. After complimenting his work, I tickled him and chased him out back to the dining room, making him laugh loudly. His laugh made me so happy, and I could see that Hotch adored the interaction between his son and I.

I went and took a long shower after we got home, and Hotch went to speak with Jack before tucking him into bed. When I eventually finished in the shower and with my nightly routine, I went to bed and read my book as I waited for Hotch to come. He came in not long after, pressed a kiss to my temple, and went to have a fast shower. His nightly routine only took a few minutes, and then he came to lay on the bed with me. "So I asked him, and he promised me that he wants you to be a part of our family, and he also asked me something…"

"What was it?" I asked curiously as I put my book down.

"He asked if he could call you 'mum'…"

"…Oh…but he remembers Haley, she's still his mother. He doesn't think that I am his mother now that we're getting married, does he?"

"No, he understands that it doesn't mean you're automatically his mother, and I asked him about Haley and if he understood that she would always be his mother. He said he understands that, but he calls Haley 'mummy' and he wants to call you 'mum'. I just told him that I would talk to you about it and get back to him with whether that was okay or not."

"I mean, well it doesn't necessarily bother me, as long as he still recognises Haley as his mother and that he is her child, but does it bother you?"

He shook his head, "I don't mind. I actually think it could be good for him. You and Jessica are the closest people he has to a mother now since Haley's gone, but Jess will always be an aunt, a friend. I think he needs someone that he can rely on as a motherly figure. Someone to take responsibility for him, and love him, but also let him know when he's out of line and someone to teach him the things that Jess never could."

I nodded, "Well if you're really okay with it and he wants to, then it's fine with me." I smiled. He nodded as he kissed me, and then I lay backwards and pulled him down above me, telling him that the conversation was over and I was ready to move onto what he had said he would do earlier; show me how much he loved me. He started slow, both teasing me and appreciating every inch of my body as he undressed me. He kissed every piece of skin, licked and nipped at my neck and then the inside of my thighs. He drove me insane before his lips and tongue even met my core, where he was going to begin.

After only a short while, I decided I couldn't take it anymore and I pulled his hair roughly to remove his mouth from between my legs, "Please, Aaron." I whimpered, begged, quietly.

He smiled as he rose and moved above me again, kissing my lips passionately as he slid in easily. I let out a soft sigh of relief. I knew he would start this off slowly and gently too, but as soon as I asked, he would speed it up to whichever pace and strength that I wanted. That's how it worked the majority of the time; he did everything he could to satisfy me. Sometimes though, I would refuse to let myself plead faster or harder, and I would let him do what he wanted, which was always enjoyable too. I held him close to me and bit down on his shoulder when I moaned, as to not be too loud for Jack. Every time I bit, he would speed up just that little bit more. I flipped us over before long, wanting to please him just as much, and I grinded slowly until he struggled to keep his groans down, and then I began to speed up.

Once both of our needs were met, we lay snuggled together. He played with my hair lightly as I closed my eyes and fought to keep myself awake. "I love you." I whispered.

He kissed the top of my head and pulled me closer to him, "I love you so much." I smiled to myself and nuzzled my face further into his neck, kissing lightly. After a while, he spoke again, "…Round two?"

"Yes." I replied so quickly, as I sat up and pressed my lips to his hungrily.

* * *

We walked into the fancy restaurant, only three days after the proposal, and the team sat at a large, round table, awaiting our arrival. Jack clung to my hand as we walked through the room. He called me "mum" for the first time yesterday, and it was strange for all three of us to hear, but I was used to it already; I was responding immediately, at least. "Hey." I smiled and greeted the team first. Hotch smiled and nodded to add to my greeting, and they all welcomed us with large smiles. They continued with the conversation they were already in as Hotch pulled the chair for me and I sat down before he took his place beside me. I could hear Jack and Henry talking together quietly to my right. We looked through menu's and I handed one to the boys to look at too.

"Hey mum?" I heard Jack speak after about five minutes. I felt the whole team watching the two of us then as they fell into silence.

"Yeah?"

"Can Henry and I go play in the kid's room before dinner comes out?"

"If JJ says Henry can go with you." I nodded. Jack and Henry both looked at JJ and she nodded with a smile. They both jumped up and ran into the room close to our table.

"Mum, huh?" Garcia smiled.

I shrugged my shoulders, "He asked Hotch, Hotch asked me, we decided it was okay."

I saw the smiles around the room and Rossi lifted his drink, proposing a toast. We all lifted our alcoholic beverages, JJ lifted her water, and Rossi toasted to Hotch and I, and to JJ, Reid, and their upcoming baby. We all chanted "hear, hear" and sipped drinks. Morgan made a small joke afterwards that brought laughter upon our table, and I looked around at them briefly. My eyes stopped on Hotch and he met mine before long. He smiled slightly and kissed me lightly, taking my left hand in his right and resting both on my knee. I brought my attention back to the table as Garcia began a story about JJ and Reid that happened yesterday when they went out, and I smiled as I saw how Reid blushed and how JJ dropped her head as she laughed. With Savannah at Morgan's side, and seeing how comfortable Rossi and Garcia were sitting together, happy to keep each other company amongst the couples of the team, I realised how happy everyone was now; everything seemed to be falling into place after the years of struggles amongst all members of our team. I felt Hotch press a kiss to my temple and saw him still watching me out the corner of my eye. I smiled wider and dropped my head to rest on his shoulder. _This_ was the best family you could imagine being a part of.


End file.
